Obsessed with his past.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Obsessed with his past.

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-30-2012, 02:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Obsessed with his past.

I can't seem to get over my husband's past sexual relationships. He's never cheated on me and he's a great guy. He use to be very different from how he is today. I know snooping is wrong, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm fascinated by who he use to be and it's almost like I get upset yet excited by his past? He has no idea why I get very angry with him sometimes and it's because I have read or heard things he use to say to different women. I can't seem to let it go even though we are very happy. Why am I doing this?
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

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I can't seem to get over my husband's past sexual relationships. He's never cheated on me and he's a great guy. He use to be very different from how he is today. I know snooping is wrong, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm fascinated by who he use to be and it's almost like I get upset yet excited by his past? He has no idea why I get very angry with him sometimes and it's because I have read or heard things he use to say to different women. I can't seem to let it go even though we are very happy. Why am I doing this?
How do you feel about your past sexual relationships? Comfortable with them? Think about them a lot? Elicit old emotions? Etc.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

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I can't seem to get over my husband's past sexual relationships. He's never cheated on me and he's a great guy. He use to be very different from how he is today. I know snooping is wrong, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm fascinated by who he use to be and it's almost like I get upset yet excited by his past? He has no idea why I get very angry with him sometimes and it's because I have read or heard things he use to say to different women. I can't seem to let it go even though we are very happy. Why am I doing this?
If you are very young and inexperienced this might be bothersome to you; my advice, like the others, let it go. When these thoughts come into your head, accept them for a few minutes, feel bad about them even, and then force them out, or you will poison yourself and your relationship.

Why are you doing this? Only you can answer that. I have done the same thing with my husband on a smaller scale, but that was because he had lied to me about someone from his past.

If this is the case for you and your H, address it now; don't let it fester.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

I regret my past. I think most people do. Sometimes I try to tell him about my past so he can share in the hurt, or at least know where I'm coming from. He doesn't want to hear it - and I don't blame him. I wish I could be like that. I know the only thing that should matter is here and now, but I'm tortured. I'm hurt I'm not his one and only.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

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I can't seem to get over my husband's past sexual relationships. He's never cheated on me and he's a great guy. He use to be very different from how he is today. I know snooping is wrong, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm fascinated by who he use to be and it's almost like I get upset yet excited by his past? He has no idea why I get very angry with him sometimes and it's because I have read or heard things he use to say to different women. I can't seem to let it go even though we are very happy. Why am I doing this?
If he is different now, then he is different now. People change.

I was a different man in college than I am now. I had a girlfriend I slept with in college before I met my wife.

That life is behind me and the only woman I long to be with is my wife.

If your husband doesn't bring up his past, then leave it in the past... because he has. Sounds to me you are all that matters to him.

What do you hope to gain by learning about all the details of his past?
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

NEVER regret your past - it's part of who you are and his past is part of who he is

so he's had other women, so what? he chose YOU
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Dolly is all of the women actually.
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Old 04-30-2012, 02:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

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I regret my past. I think most people do. Sometimes I try to tell him about my past so he can share in the hurt, or at least know where I'm coming from. He doesn't want to hear it - and I don't blame him. I wish I could be like that. I know the only thing that should matter is here and now, but I'm tortured. I'm hurt I'm not his one and only.
You can't change the past, but you can let the past destroy your present and future. Don't let it, drop it. Every time you start dwelling there push those thoughts out of your mind. Think about something else instead.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:30 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

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I regret my past. I think most people do. Sometimes I try to tell him about my past so he can share in the hurt, or at least know where I'm coming from. He doesn't want to hear it - and I don't blame him. I wish I could be like that. I know the only thing that should matter is here and now, but I'm tortured. I'm hurt I'm not his one and only.
That's why this bothers you. Others are giving sound advice -- live in the present, don't dwell on the past. Only this is really hard sometimes.

For you, I'd advise jumping head first into all those past regrets. It's great you've tried to talk to him about it, but if he (understandably) doesn't want to go there, you may have to try and talk to someone else. You won't find it easy to liberate yourself from his past until you are comfortable with your own.

So talk about it with someone (even on a forum) - it'll help!

As for regrets in general, think about it this way. You either:

-Made a mistake in the past and learned from it to the point where you understand why you made it and it won't happen again, or

-Made a mistake in the past and still think the mistake is somehow part of you. As in, you'd do it again, or it makes feel you bad as a person, etc.

The reality, we all make mistakes. And we all mistakes for a reason...if we didn't understand them and dwelled on them and brought them with us, we'd be cursing ourselves for life for peeing in our pants at the age of 4.
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Old 04-30-2012, 04:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

Thank you, Dean. I especially value a man's input on this. I know my husband feels awful about it all and in reality it could be far worse. We're happily married and have a wonderful baby. That should be all that matters
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Old 04-30-2012, 04:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

I don't regret my past, if I didn't have my past, I wouldn't have my present. I don't regret that I was with my oldest child's father, because that gave me my child, I don't regret being married, that gave me my younger children, I even don't regret the sociopath I was with, because I've got a wonderful friendship with a couple that are a couple of my best friends. And now, I've got my partner, who I love dearly and hope we spend our lives together.

There are decisions I've made in my life when I was younger that I regret, like not crossing at a traffic light, where I got hit by a car. I regret I bent down to pet the German Shepherd that tried to kill me when he bit my face and neck. Those are the things I've regretted.

You shouldn't let the past destroy your future, you have a man that seems to love you, and a child who loves you both. That's what counts. Don't build resentments and anger on things that neither one of you has the power to change, and enjoy your life.
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Old 04-30-2012, 05:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

^^^ Well said.

Regretting the past is a form of not liking the present. If you regret your past, you are lamenting the very thing that you who you are today.
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Old 05-09-2012, 07:00 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MrsNoName View Post
I can't seem to get over my husband's past sexual relationships. He's never cheated on me and he's a great guy. He use to be very different from how he is today. I know snooping is wrong, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm fascinated by who he use to be and it's almost like I get upset yet excited by his past? He has no idea why I get very angry with him sometimes and it's because I have read or heard things he use to say to different women. I can't seem to let it go even though we are very happy. Why am I doing this?
this is called retroactive jealousy, I have the same problem
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Old 05-09-2012, 08:17 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

I do not regret my past but I do regret not waiting until I met my wife. None of my ex's deserve to know what it's like to be with me and I tell my wife the same. When we first met my wife would ask questions, but the closer I got to realizing she was the one, my answers soon changed. Eventually are past relationships became just kisses and the only people we have been with was each other, because that's all that was worth remembering.
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Old 05-13-2012, 09:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with his past.

As crazy as you may think you are for having the feelings you have... I can totally relate!

Retroactive jealousy (RJ) is the definition of those crazy feelings and I think the term was invented for me-LOL.

I love my Man. I love who he was when we were teenagers in love and who he became while we were apart. He's warm, loving and funny. We are great friends. He treats me like a treasure.

I'm so grateful that he was married when he was 17 and stayed married for 16 years--it proves his loyalty and ability to have a long term relationship. It also means he wasn't out screwing around (he was in the military, stationed in Korea and Germany) because he had a wife and he loved her. I'm grateful that he met another woman after his wife cheated on and divorced him--again, it proves he is "relationship material" and desires commitment over "playing the field". It's all good, it really is. (I was married twice during the 25+ years we were apart).

But... my dark side tends to dwell sometimes. I cannot stop it, it just "goes there". I start finding myself resenting him if he talks about his experiences in the Army... even though he's not mentioning his wife...it's like I cannot stand that he had fun, had a good life, etc. while I was in a horrible marriage with an abusive man. I loathe his exes (though I've never met them)...

I guess I'm crazy, too. LOL
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