effess

My wife and I's sex life is like a roller coaster. There is times when its fairly good, maybe around once a week (which is acceptable to me), and she throws in enough non-vanilla stuff to keep me begging for more. But this 'up-tick' in sex usually happens we have 'the talk' and I tell her I'm getting frustrated with the lack of sex, etc. And the down times are much more frequent.
FYI, we've been married for over 10 years, both in mid-thirties, have two kids, 7 and 4, and we both work full-time.
Its the downturns that I find so frustrating. It comes across to me that any excuse is a good one. And the boxes that have to be checked before she entertains the idea of sex - its a large checklist. I attempt to be romantic, flowers, compliments, etc - nothing. I help out around the house - nothing. Over the weekend, I gave her a full body massage, the kinds I use to give BC (before children) - nothing. Now let me say, massages to us aren't a pre-cursor to foreplay, a massage is just a massage. Now I give them because she loves them, so I don't expect an immediate return, but hope maybe later she reciprocates in another way , nothing. I asked her later, if she got a little horny from the massage, she responded 'not even a little bit'.
I workout, so I'm in good shape. She tells me I'm just as physically attractive to her when we first met. I try to dress well. Take her on dates. I even try and not be too 'beta' and be this spineless doter. I am naturally passive, and she's more of a control freak, but I do assert myself when I need to.
She's told me when we do talk about sex, that she probably hasn't been horny in a couple of years, but once we do get going and we get 'hot and heavy' she does get in the mood, and orgasms almost every time. She tells me she's not in the mood, like ever (no exaggeration), because she's too tired. That I don't comprehend how exhausted she is. Even though I sleep alot less than she does .
If you ask how sex does get initiated between us. I gave up asking or trying to seduce her. Its a no-go. We have sex when her personal checklist is completed and/or she feels guilty because we've gone too long without it. It never EVER is because she wants to be with me, strictly out of duty. No matter how many ways, hows, etc I try to communicate that I need to be intimate with her to feel loved, its like talking to a brick wall.
She's manages our home well, is great about being wise with our money, she tries to be affectionate, pay the occasional compliment, etc. She makes and packs my lunch everyday, serves me dinner when I get home. Point being, she's a good wife. We have our standard arguments over raising the kids, money, etc., but that's normal. She's just a indifferent lover. She wasn't always like this. She was the first person in my life that ever made me feel intrinsically worthy. She was love-personified to me. But she has let all the little worries and details of life get in the way of us. She can't see the forest for the trees. She was the most amazing woman I ever met, and I feel she was placed on this Earth for me, my own personal Eve. She's just not that woman anymore. She's completely preoccupied with all the minutia of life. And no matter how I try to alleviate those burdens, there's always something to preoccupy her from me.
And yes, I've told her all of this a million times.
Its getting so old - I'm becoming more disenfranchised with our marriage.

livelaughlovenow

My husband felt like this once and was ready to seek it elsewhere....we went to mc, the mc ad to me after we both spoke our sides that she just heard from him that sex was first on his list instead of quality time and from me that my husband was last on my list, stuck with me, we learned tools to make our marriage a priority, which included making sex a priority and for a woman means taking her mind and her sexuality into her own hands to ensure she keeps the drive up....just a thought.
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Browncoat

My wife finds she has to prepare herself for about 20-30 minutes in advance. She uses this time to clear her mind of daily matters and focus on me. So perhaps try and schedule sex a few times a week and ask her to try and focus on you.

If she doesn't have any objections, offer to just have foreplay and tell her you're not going to initiate intercourse. She may ask you for sex after a while, or she may not... either way you two will really enjoy each other.

For my wife, I know that timing is key. If I try when she's really tired odds are there she really won't be up to doing anything.

Don't take it personally though, it's not that she doesn't love you.

effess

My wife takes twenty to thirty minutes Before bed anyway w her bath. The scheduled time for sex would never happen she finds it too regimented. Anyway we usually only have sex on weekend nights. So the the scheduled time already is indirectly in effect. I've offered the foreplay instead intercourse option before - she actually prefers intercourse. That doesn't make an iota of difference to her she still has to get in the mood when she's too tired.

The fact is she says she loves but her actions say I've got more important things to do and worry about. Myself and my needs aren't a priority just another burden.

unbelievable

If your needs are put consistently on her back burner, that aint love. Not sure what you'd call it. When she ignores your needs, you respond by blowing increasing quantities of powder sugar up her backside. If every time you screwed up at work, your boss responded by showering you with raises, perks, and lavish praise, you wouldn't make much effort to improve or to please your boss.

effess

When the sex dries up I tend to withdraw emotionally and be distant. She knows something is up but as she tells me when I get moody and distant cause of no sex she has even less will to be intimate with me. So my options are pretend nothing is wrong and be patient w her until the next "up-tick" in sex, sit down with her and explain calmly (for the hundredth time) that it's been too long AGAIN or emotionally withdraw. Any of my options are exhautlsting and I have less and less will to carry them out.
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DesertRat

I registered on this forum simply to reply to this post. Dude, YOU ARE ME, and your wife is a clone of mine. I'm at my wit's end. I'm hoping some women in here will have more ideas. I've reached the point where I have decided my wife is probably just not into sex much in general and things will probably never turn back around. I also don't think she understands the emotional toll it takes on me, and how much it impacts our marriage even though i try to explain it.

The worst part is in the past several years a couple times she's said "YOu're not going to go have sex with someone else, right? I know that's what happens to guys when they don't get any." So she knows she is doing our marriage harm...but doesn't seem all that dedicated to fixing it.

okeydokie

it is frustrating. i know my wife takes every other problem she encounters head on and throws all her being into solving it. many of them i have no interest in, and i really dont care. i have seen her crawl over broken glass to solve certain issues, but she wont even glance in the direction of our intimacy issues. its difficult to admit but i finally realized it really speaks volumes as to her priorities. our sex life isnt one of them.

i have really backed off of giving two s--ts about whats important to her. we basically live our lives doing our own thing, although all of what we do goes into raising our kids and maintaining our family unit and home.

Bluemoon1

I hate to tell you this, but never ever, ever, and I mean ever ask a woman for advice in these situations, because what you will get is advice that is bound not to work, like "have a talk about it" "do more about the house" which will result in even less sex

It's not their fault, because most of them beleive that, and have convinced loads of men that this is the way to solve the problem, but the problem in most cases is pretty basic (as I have found out) and it's she does not desire you, for whatever reason, sure you might get the odd scrap of sex to keep you in line (and keep the good things flowing).

Sexual desire is instinct, the only way she will desire you, is if you become the best you can be

Try this thread

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

Read Athol Kay

DTO

Umm, I'm not sure I would interpret your wife's words in this manner. Another possibility is that she feels a slowdown in the sex life is appropriate at this stage in marriage, those "guys" to whom she refers are selfish and immature for getting their sexual needs met outside of marriage, and she expects "better" from you.

Your response should be that as she is not providing (and does not intend to provide) for your sexual satisfaction then she has no right to fidelity. However, you intend to adhere to your vow of fidelity as a sign of self-respect and a sacrifice to her, in the hope that she will treat you in a manner deserving of that fidelity at some point in the future.

SprucHub

Efess - she needs to understand what sex means. Does she understand that it is an emotional more than physical need? You W seems typical, many women do think about sex and are not into it until it is underway. She and you need to understand that - it may make her willing to start.

Read sex-starved marriage. First chapter is free on amazon. Have your W read it. My W is in the same place, but is coming around (slowly). But, now she understands. For the first 6 months of this fight, regardless of what I said, she thought of sex as just the physical release and a selfish want on my behalf (although I am not selfish in that regard). That is not what sex is and she now understands it.

Also, making a concerted effort to not care about things and to explain your position to her in an unemotional way (explain emotions unemotionally) can help. E.g., sex is an expected part of a relationship, it is a significant element of how I understand you love me, without it (when you are able, just not willing), all I hear is how unimportant I am, because that is what you are saying.

photomom

as a woman, there have been very few times that I have refused to have sex with my husband. even if I wasn't "in the mood". because It doesnt have to be crazy stuff, just a little something to remind each other that you still feel that spark. I would be fine with once a week! but once a month? or three? big blow to the ego. It really hurts.

DTO

See this last part is exactly the problem. She is perfectly happy having your focus being the home and family, because this is where her priorities are (they obviously are not with you). She gets her way, albeit indirectly, with you. You, at the end of the day, put forth a ton of effort for insufficient return.

Are time and resources really so strained that you cannot scrape out a bit for yourself? Will the sky really fall if the lawn gets mowed every other week, instead of every week, or if your wife simply has to wait to have the house freshly painted, etc.?

Try this: do more for yourself. Go out with your friends from work and let her take care of things herself for a few hours. Then, take yourself and the kids somewhere and let her stay at home and reflect on the solitude. I all but guarantee she will take notice and stop taking you for granted, even if there is no overall improvement in the relationship.

effess

I've done all this. I've talked to her a hundred ways trying to explain that I appreciate her managing our money well, and cooking for me, but I can pay for an accountant, or move back in with my mom to get the cooking! But I feel loved, I feel wanted and desired when we have a regular and exciting sex life. Nothing - she just sits there with nothing to say. But you better believe if I was talking about buying something she thought was pointless, she would be very engaged in the conversation.
I even read this exact book cover to cover, Sex-Starved Marriage. I put it by her bath where she keeps all her other books and magazines. She perused it a few times, and says she got the gist of it. She even told me she 'understood' that the HD spouse feels rejected, alone and unwanted - but to "not feel like that, those aren't her intentions" - gee thanks . Which proved to me, 1) she barely gave the book a chance, and 2), she still doesn't get it.
In her eyes, if I take what she tells me at face-value; "okay husband, I get what your saying, but I have so much on my plate and I'm so overwhelmed and tired, I can honestly care less about sex - my own needs are not being met!". Which I understand. So I try and help more around the house, to go out on weekends (which she never does) to blow off steam, sleep in, go to bed earlier, etc. Point being I try to address her concerns - nothing changes, its only gotten worse.
As I wrote before, whenever I talk about our relationship, or our sex life, she just sits there and barely says anything. But one very enlightening comment she made was during one of our sex talks was, and I'm paraphrasing - "I don't even know how you have time to think about yourself like this when I have real stuff to worry about".................. I think that comment says it all. Sometimes I'm a convenience, sometimes a annoyance, but definitely not a priority anymore.

SoWhat

I'd agree with Bluemoon's comment; beware of advice about talking about it and "doing more around the house."