Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Okay here it goes......Married for 8 years dated for 3 prior to marriage, second marriage. 12 years age difference, he is older. When we were first dating we had a healthy sexual relations ship, couldn't keep our hands off of one another. After we were married it dwindled...I was not to bothered by it because I thought that this was normal after being together for a few years. Then it decreased over the next while to once every 3 months. I will take the blame for half of the problem with the decrease, raising 3 teens (from previous marriage) work full time and household and wife duties takes its toll. Then the things that I adored about him started to annoy me. We talked about them and some of them were corrected but along the way I lost the spark. I find that he annoys me almost all of the time. When he brought up the lack of sex there was nothing I could say, he told me that I had become cold toward him and that I needed to start to accept the fact that I am getting older and needed to grow old gracefully! This being said after I had tried to ignite a spark, I sat on his lap in my house coat with nothing on under it and started nibbling on his ear and talking with him, he wrapped the housecoat tighter around me twice. I then went to the bedroom and he followed....i thought that he was interested I dropped the housecoat and went to him and gave him a big hug and kiss he said his knee was to sore and then he told me to grow old gracefully! I know that he has been having problems with maintaining an erection and that he has tried Celexa which does not help him to maintain a full hard erection. I actually found it in his truck with pills missing which he said he was using to enable him to masterbate. Which I still find hard to believe and have asked him about it he denies an affair. I is there anyone else out there who has gone through something similar and is it normal not to have sex for 2 years in a relationship? We have tried the bubble baths and the toys all the things that "they" say to do. I want to feel that tug, the physical attraction that makes you WANT to have sex. Is there anyway to get that back?
Oh I did, I didn't handle it very well, I became angry and accused him of having an affair, denies it without even blinking. Now he uses that as ammunition when we discuss our lack of sex saying that I hurt him and made him feel less of a man by even asking him about it. Even when I write this I know it all sounds so evident that there is a great possibility that something was going on. No proof though.
You let him derail your argument that there is no valid reason for the pills in the truck.
You need to get back to that somehow and you need to stand your ground and be prepared to take action, not let him to continue to deflect and blame shift.
Tell him you never got an answer to the pills in the truck, and you're going to assume he is cheating on you and you are going to see an attorney and file for divorce if he doesn't provide reasonable explanations.
I know that he has been having problems with maintaining an erection and that he has tried Celexa which does not help him to maintain a full hard erection. I actually found it in his truck with pills missing which he said he was using to enable him to masterbate.
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Oh I did, I didn't handle it very well, I became angry and accused him of having an affair, denies it without even blinking. Now he uses that as ammunition when we discuss our lack of sex saying that I hurt him and made him feel less of a man by even asking him about it. Even when I write this I know it all sounds so evident that there is a great possibility that something was going on. No proof though.
If he's saying he feels less of a man, my guess is that he isn't having an affair - he's ashamed and embarrassed that he is having trouble getting and maintaining erections. THAT is making him feel less of a man, and having to admit it to you that he tried the pills makes him feel worse. That's why he hid the pills in the truck. He's ashamed and didn't want to talk about it.
I'm a little lost. Are you not having sex because he can't get an erection? Or because you're cold and annoyed by him? Which one of you is the refuser?
OK I think folks are jumping too quickly onto the divorce bandwagon here.
Have you two considered seeing a counselor?
I assume he's been completely examined by a doctor and there's nothing more he can do or can be done for his ED?
I get the impression that he's not forthcoming with information about what is going on with him. I also get the impression there's more fighting than communicating. Neither of those is at all good or healthy. If you two can't talk this through calmly and be completely honest, it's time for therapy immediately.
After finding the medication he admitted that he had seen a GP and requested the pills. There is very little communication and very little fighting....if that makes sense. Just limited conversation on both sides. I am presently seeing a counselor and so is he. It is stressful and I am sure that adds to the whole situation. He has told me in the past that I am cold and do not give him enough attention. I have to admit that right now he is right about that. That is where I need the advice....how do you go about getting those feelings back that make you want to talk with him, be with him and enjoy the company....so that things start to happen again. At first I was the refuser, I actually didn't enjoy the sex...it was the same all the time and I felt like a piece of sidewalk cement and he was the jack hammer. When I tried to guide him without hurting his ego it failed so I quit trying then the sex slowed down to now where there is nothing. I know that there is no quick fix, but a guide in the right direction may help.
I guess he could have hid the pills in the truck because he was embarassed by the whole thing and it has nothing to do with an affair.
I would not jump to conclusions on this. Here's why:
I use viagra. Have for years now. Before that I had a real ED problem and did not even date. Even after, it took me a while to get my confidence up so the "performance anxiety" was no longer a factor. ED sucks. Especially when you feel you can't "come clean" about it to a lover or a doctor...or even yourself.
I keep some in my car, and usually one in my wallet as well. And it sure isn't because I'm having an affair, or have any intentions of ever doing so! I like to be able to take one about an hour out from the house if she's sounding frisky. If we're at dinner and she gives me the eyes, I can step into the bathroom and take one I had stashed in my wallet before we leave. Ready for "spontaneous" action as soon as we hit the door of the house, or, in some cases, once we hit the road in the car and are on our way home!
I would suggest you have a heart to heart with him. Tell him it's fine, you can work on it together. I did a long post a while back about how I got through it, you may want to search it out. It may or may not be of help.
Suspicious? Yes. Definitive proof? Far from it. It may be exactly as he said, he is embarrassed. I hid it from my wife the first 3 months or so we dated. Only when I could no longer ease her fears about it being about her and my attraction to her, did I come out of the ED closet, told her I had a little problem, and placed the bottle of pills on the table between us. (Lol, at first, she thought I was offering her a xanax to "calm down")
As for using it for masturbation...yes, been there done that. Before I went to the doc, I was so distraught over the ED that I couldn't even get an erection masturbating. Took a while on the meds to overcome even that anxiety while I was alone. When I mastered that, I began trying to do so with others. Long process, at least for me, because I'd put myself in such a funk about it for years before I went to the doctor.
And you said "celexa". Did you mean cialis? Celexa is an anti-depressant. If he is taking celexa, that can certainly make an ED issue worse, likely not better.
There is very little communication and very little fighting....if that makes sense. Just limited conversation on both sides.
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That is where I need the advice....how do you go about getting those feelings back that make you want to talk with him, be with him and enjoy the company....so that things start to happen again.
He was your best friend when you married him, right? Talk with him like he's your best friend now. Just do it, don't wait for the feelings first. Talk with him. The feelings will come once you open the doors of communication and are honest and open with each other. There's a lot of distance and big walls between you. There seems to be some distrust, and some resentment. You have to start talking about that stuff in order to work through it.
Maybe you can start by telling him that you reacted badly to finding the pill because you were afraid he was cheating. But now that you've had a chance to think about what he told you, you want to help him.
By helping him with is ED, or at least being sympathetic to how he feels about it, it can bring you closer. And it can make talking more openly with each other about other things easier, too.
There's no shortcut to just get the feelings back. You have to do the work.
3Likes
Not sexually attracted to my husband 
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