Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years, we dated for 2 and a half years before we got married. the past three years have been very dry in the sex department.. My husband has back problems that have gotten worse over the years, he's 35 and has already had one major back surgery. he sleeps on the couch because it is less painful on his back. my issue here is, we havent had sex in almost 3 months and it's really getting to me. I get angry and hurt, I feel ugly and unattractive, and just so lonely... I have told him how I feel more then once, but he still wont even try to have sex with me. he's more then happy to allow me to preform oral sex on him, but he will not return the favor. I realize that I dont look the same as I did when I was 18 but after 3 kids and a lifetime of stress, who would?? I'm not over weight, but I've always had body image issues and this is not helping! I'm 30 years old. I'm not ready for my sex life to be over!!!!! Our marriage has made it through hell and back, and I want to push through this, I just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel... I have no one to talk to about all this, it's just not something I want to share this with friends and family. any advice would be helpful. thanks.
Sorry. For starters I would stop giving him Oral if he is not willing to return the favor. I think you might want to consider more time alone together. With three kids I am guessing your date nights might be slacking off as well as your sex life. Go out on a date this weekend, when you are alone let him know you hope the night ends with sex without having a big long drawn out discussion about it. Just say something playful and quick and leave it at that. If you try to have a long talk about the problem you might just make it more difficult to get things going later, but for sure don’t get him off first again.
I know what it's like to be in a marriage where leaving isn't an option, yet you are worried if you pain will forever get in the way of your sex life (though your case is more extreme than mine). In my case my wife often times experiences pain before, during and after intercourse (as well as other issues). We have been largely sexless through much of our ~15 year marriage.
Those feelings of being unattractive and ugly are similar to what men experience in the same situation. It's tragic, but also normal given your circumstances.
Since he doesn't want to try to have sex, and you've explained how much you want your sex life to continue. I'd recommend talking to the doctor to see if he has any suggestions on how patients with similar back issues continue their sex lives.
If the doctor has nothing for you, then I'd recommend going to see a counselor about this issue. It won't go away on it's own as you well know.
My wife and I started seeing a sex therapist about a month ago to get through our issues. So far we've had some good progress. Additionally just this morning I was able to get her to go in for a 3rd evaluation as for the causes of pain and we now have a diagnosis and a therapy that we hope will help.
Our circumstances are quite different, but I'd recommend a similar course of action.
i, for one, do not understand a husband not wanting to be intimate with a willing and eager wife. i equally do not understand it in reverse. why is it so hard
I have only tried giving him oral out of desparation!! we had his testosterone levels checked about a year ago and they are fine, viagra did nothing. he is on alot of medication for his pain and depression and he says that, that is the reason why he has no interest. and a date night is out of the question. my husband has not been able to work for some time now and does not recieve ssd. the money i make is spread very thin. sometimes my mom will take the kids for a night, but instead of fooling around (like we used to) he just falls asleep on the couch.
I have only tried giving him oral out of desparation!! we had his testosterone levels checked about a year ago and they are fine, viagra did nothing. he is on alot of medication for his pain and depression and he says that, that is the reason why he has no interest. and a date night is out of the question. my husband has not been able to work for some time now and does not recieve ssd. the money i make is spread very thin. sometimes my mom will take the kids for a night, but instead of fooling around (like we used to) he just falls asleep on the couch.
is he on narcotic pain medication? (hydrocodone, oxy or similar)
Yikes. I don't know what that does to sex drive, but my mom was on that in the hospital after a surgery...I've never seen her like that before.
THAT is probably a big reason for his lack of sex drive. If he's on depression meds, many of those kill sex drive, too.
ETA: And I'll venture that the dilauded could even be aggravating his depression. My mom, who is normally a very calm, relaxed, undemanding person became cranky, irritable, uncomfortable and unhappy with everybody and everything around her in the hospital. That would happen a short while after every time she was given the medication, and it would last for a few hours until it wore off or she fell asleep.
there is nothing I can do about his meds, he can still get an erection, he just doesn't want to even try. many times, I had sex with him even when I wasnt in the mood! why? because rejection hurts!!
Well, there are other pain medications, and other depression medications. They don't all have the same effects on people.
You might at least ask his doctors whether there is a possibility of switching medications because the ones he is taking are having a terrible effect on your marriage.
Your husband might not even realize that he's turned into a different person on these medications, by the way. He might not realize the effect they have had on him. He might think he's just "not in the mood" when really, his pills are creating a problem.
many times, I had sex with him even when I wasnt in the mood! why? because rejection hurts!!
Yes it does, it really can eat away at you if the rejection continues. Talk to the doctor. Like norajane said, maybe he can be put on something else. Something that will deal with the pain and leave your husband acting more like... well your husband.
7Likes
no one to talk to... 
