Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Good replies here. I'll reply from my side - since I don't know anything about your past.
My wife used to have sex with her ex boyfriends and brag to me (without me wanting to know!!!) about how good it was, how she was so often horny with them.
We have sex - when all is going WELL - maybe once every 2 months. Last time was 23rd of March, so not quite 2 months (I'm just being an ass).
Point is, she LOVES non sexual touch. TO me, as an attention starved hungry dog, I get an erection when she even just smiles at me.
I don't understand the idea of non sexual touch. I don't non sexual (or sexual) touch any of my colleagues or female friends.
For me touch IS sexual, since you're entering someone's personal space bubble.
But I guess my view on stuff is just daft. It's not like I have a picture perfect marriage!
For me touch IS sexual, since you're entering someone's personal space bubble.
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so when the girl at the hair salon shampoos your hair (if you get that done) and massages your scalp, do you find that sexually arousing?
not being sarcastic...just wondering if there are some people who because of upbringing or whatever, really are unable to just experience the pleasure of touch without it being sexual.
For me touch IS sexual, since you're entering someone's personal space bubble.
/QUOTE]
so when the girl at the hair salon shampoos your hair (if you get that done) and massages your scalp, do you find that sexually arousing?
not being sarcastic...just wondering if there are some people who because of upbringing or whatever, really are unable to just experience the pleasure of touch without it being sexual.
I cut my own hair
Sitting here thinking, I cannot think of one single scenario where I touch a female other than my wife (or her cat).
It is partially for this reason (that I'm easily aroused). I'm very affectionate, but ironically try to keep people (women especially) at a huge physical and emotional distance. Men too. Well, I keep everyone at a distance.
So, I cannot think of anyone other than my wife and kids that I touch. My mom lives on a different continent.
But make no mistake,I WANT to touch, hug, have non sexual and very sexual physical contact (and emotional).
But since I can't get this from my wife, I need to protect myself and my marriage from any form of "outside" contact.
So when the girl at the hair salon shampoos your hair (if you get that done) and massages your scalp, do you find that sexually arousing?
I have a friend about ten years older than me who recently had a heart attack. He was rushed to the hospital and they performed an angioplasty that same night.
In the middle of the greatest pain he had ever experienced in his life, he was catheterized by an attractive young nurse. He said he enjoyed it and that's how he knew he wasn't going to die.
Quote:
Originally Posted by livnlearn
not being sarcastic...just wondering if there are some people who because of upbringing or whatever, really are unable to just experience the pleasure of touch without it being sexual.
Just as you need sex to feel loved, I need some amount of touch without sex to feel loved. And it ruins the idea of it when you "jokingly" talk about being turned on. Because you aren't joking, you are turned on. I am sorry that it is a bit frustrating for you I don't have a higher sex drive. Trust me, a bit frustrating for ME, you don't have a LOWER sex drive.
And when you jokingly make comments - that I know are true, it ruins whatever good feeling I got from the hug, touch, etc.
If he gets it - STOP - if he needs hammer to the head this is it:
Right after sex I would never jokingly say - what a relief, now I get tomorrow night off.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherry
Some of you know I’ve been working on my sex drive for a while now due to several things, but another minor issue has come up and I’m not sure how to approach it. I miss non sexual touch. The only time my H touches me is when he wants sex (not on purpose, I guess). And I have pointed this out. He says he can’t help it because he might touch me in a nonsexual way and then immediately get turned on, not meaning to.
My question is this, does my H have an obligation to control his sexual urges if I want non sexual touch occasionally? We can’t snuggle in bed, I can’t walk up to him and hug him or kiss him, he’ll get hard and then think I led him on and blame me in a joking way, so I just don't bother with trying to do that anymore. I am not a sex every night person, it’s more like 2/3 times a week now, but the other nights I’d like non sexual touch, maybe even once a freaking day.
How do I approach this with him? Or am I out of line, is this normal, etc??
I don't "make" a touch a sexually arousing experience. If my wife holds my hand, I'm at least a little turned on. It's not unreasonable to ask your husband to not touch you in certain ways on some occasions but what turns him on turns him on. Be glad it's you and not some other woman.
Sitting here thinking, I cannot think of one single scenario where I touch a female other than my wife (or her cat).
It is partially for this reason (that I'm easily aroused). I'm very affectionate, but ironically try to keep people (women especially) at a huge physical and emotional distance. Men too. Well, I keep everyone at a distance.
So, I cannot think of anyone other than my wife and kids that I touch. My mom lives on a different continent.
But make no mistake,I WANT to touch, hug, have non sexual and very sexual physical contact (and emotional).
But since I can't get this from my wife, I need to protect myself and my marriage from any form of "outside" contact.
Make sense?
yeah it makes sense. Maybe if you were getting all that you needed from your wife then touch from others might not always be perceived as sexual.
I'm sorry that you are not getting what you want from your wife.
so when the girl at the hair salon shampoos your hair (if you get that done) and massages your scalp, do you find that sexually arousing?
Depends, is she wearing a low cut cleavage enhancing blouse?
Quote:
not being sarcastic...just wondering if there are some people who because of upbringing or whatever, really are unable to just experience the pleasure of touch without it being sexual.
I`m finding this thread interesting for that reason too.
There do seem to be a couple of guys here who don`t differentiate between the two.
Makes me a bit more understanding/empathetic to some of the complaints some women have around here.
I`m starting to wonder what percentage of sexless marriages have husbands who don`t differentiate sexual and non sexual touching.
I guess it depends on how 'non-sexual' is defined. It appears to me that some define it simply as touch with no expectation of sex.
I would say that the term is poorly coined if that is the case because it injects subjectivity in the form of intent into the definition.
Touch is sexual in nature when gender differences define its propriety. Even ballroom dance has very clear sexual connotations (i.e. I don't know about anyone else, but I sure as hell wouldn't dance with another man.) even though there is no expectation of sex associated with it.
My question is this, does my H have an obligation to control his sexual urges if I want non sexual touch occasionally?
I really dislike "obligations" when it comes to pleasing one's partner. I don't like it when a woman sees herself as "obligated" to "put out". Equally, I don't like it when a man sees himself as obligated to provide for the emotional needs of his wife.
So no, I don't think he has an obligation to nurture your emotional self. I just think he's a damned fool not to.
I draw some bright lines here.
- I initiate a lot of very intimate - non-sexual touches. The full body hug I do from behind in the kitchen is not sexual. It feels REALLY good because she melts back into me. Love that. If she ever saw me hug another woman like that - she would quite rightly go instantly ballistic.
- We spoon in bed a LOT - USUALLY after one of us has said "Lets spoon and watch tv which means we are not having sex. And usually that is me as that is the guilt free pass for the night.
- She initiates a lot of non-sexual touch - I love that to
There is no "teasing" though. She doesn't do even lightly sexual stuff unless she wants to have sex. And she knows that I don't mix the two because I realized it was best to separate non-sexual affection from sex - for me. As the LD partner she gets to do whatever she wants. And that seems fair to me. Meaning she can turn affection into sex. Reason I don't is I don't want to add to the long list of women who are anxious when their H hugs them, because it is almost always the first step in his initiation. Since I seek to provide comfort, and a zone of warmth and love, I prefer to leave anxiety triggers out of the equation. If she was stiff when I hugged her, instead of melting into me, I would feel rejected.....
Quote:
Originally Posted by tacoma
I`m starting to wonder what percentage of sexless marriages have husbands who don`t differentiate sexual and non sexual touching.
I see a very small pattern emerging in this thread.
In our marriage we communicate everything. If I want a hug then I say "hugs" if I just go for it than he is free to touch.
I don't understand "non-sexual" touching. I'm a hugger and I don't think hugging other people is sexual. With my husband it always sexual. I married him live with him so any touch is sexual.
If I feel like it I will just touch or whatever his penis, he will also just go into my shirt or slap my ass. We have a sentance that is understood, "don't start nothin you ain't gonna finish".
If he or I stop then it's fine and no hurt feelings. Someone started a thread earlier about "un-tam like things" I'm not a mind reader you have to tell me you want action.
I guess it's almost like asking, but without asking. My husband will say sooo and run his hand down my arm and I know he wants a bj. Sometimes he will just flat say HEY!!! and I get my butt in gear.
We just can't "guess" if the other person is in the mood. Maybe sometimes. But not 100% of the time. I like hugs so if I want one I'm gonna "hug" and that's what I want. I had to state this out loud to him a few times, but he got it.
I will just say "brush my hair" and hand him the brush, he will let me know if he is going to want sex or a bj later on (as in this will turn him on). If I just don't feel like it I will take the brush back, and no hurt feelings.
The special cases. Context is everything. If she is starving you, OF COURSE you get super turned on by any type of touch. In that case the message is different: Babe you need to recognize that at a decent frequency I would love all this touch. In our currnetly sexless marriage I get instantly turned on and then - nothing hapens - that is not acceptable to me.
I have one exception to this. We both give and get great back massages......
Quote:
Originally Posted by iGuy
Good replies here. I'll reply from my side - since I don't know anything about your past.
My wife used to have sex with her ex boyfriends and brag to me (without me wanting to know!!!) about how good it was, how she was so often horny with them.
We have sex - when all is going WELL - maybe once every 2 months. Last time was 23rd of March, so not quite 2 months (I'm just being an ass).
Point is, she LOVES non sexual touch. TO me, as an attention starved hungry dog, I get an erection when she even just smiles at me.
I don't understand the idea of non sexual touch. I don't non sexual (or sexual) touch any of my colleagues or female friends.
For me touch IS sexual, since you're entering someone's personal space bubble.
But I guess my view on stuff is just daft. It's not like I have a picture perfect marriage!
I am still seeing a lot of people who consider mixed gender touching as sexual by definition.
I just can`t fathom that, it`s weird but I can touch my wife one time one way with no sexual intent at all and then touch her in physically the same way but with extreme sexual intent.She just seems to know the difference and this "touching" problem has never "touched" us.
I mean I kiss my daughter on the forehead when I leave for work, I kiss my wife in the same manner on my way out the door.
It would seem some here would say this has sexual connotations regardless of intent but I would argue it`s the intent that causes it to be sexual or not.
If I`m holding her hand walking down the street is that sexual?
I can touch my wifes breasts with no intent to have sex or even be sexual. Like most men breasts just amaze me, they`re soft yet firm at the same time, they fit perfectly in your hand.
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Re: Non sexual touch and sex 
) and massages your scalp, do you find that sexually arousing? 
