Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-07-2012, 12:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

So I have been married for about 3 years now, this past year we have hit some really rocky times. So for the past 3 months I have came up with a plan to put our marriage back on track, by having date nights, walks in the park, cute little pizza making nights, etc… Anything that I felt would bring us closer then ever together. And I am happy to report that it worked flawlessly, we are happily in love on that front. So I decided if I could put forth so much effort into fixing that side of our relationship why not spend that effort also fixing our sex life which has also been on an even more rocky road since we got married. Clearly this didn't work out so or else I wouldn't typing this as my first intimate divulgence on the internet. Let me give you a little back story and maybe I can get some some gems of feedback because I am out of ideas.

When we first started dating the sex was great, of course, isn't sex always great in the honeymoon stage. That all lasted up until we got engaged and then I slowly became bored with the same vanilla sex every single time. It was almost routine in every way. While I know I could of been more communicative about all of it earlier on before it got this bad but in the early days I was quite a bit more timid talking about intimacy, so it is true that the fault goes 2 ways. But she has slowly over time put such restrictions on sex that it left no alternatives and no hope of compromise. No foreplay, rarely change of positions because she didn't like doing the work, wouldn't get on top cause she hates the way her hip clicks, no BJ's etc. You get the idea, Vanilla sex. I have on several occasions gone down on her, tease her a little as foreplay, sensual messages, but it was still always the same. It got to the point where I did not want sex for weeks even months at a time because the thought of it became almost as a chore or maintenance rather. So finally after putting our marriage back on track I said that enough is enough to myself and decided to open up fully to her and show her the kind of sex that I want.

I had myself worked up for a few days waiting to show her the kind of sex I like and want to have. So finally one day after dinner we head up stairs and I had created a wicked awesome sex soundtrack that was fitting for the type of sex I wanted which was rougher then normal. Once I put that on she looked over at me weird cause we normally just watch tv until we pass out. But she started to undress and I went over, pined her against the wall before she could put on her nightwear and we begun to go at it, trying new positions and I tried a some dirty talk with a more assertive tone. The sex was fantastic, she thought so too. Havn't been that excited in YEARS but Here comes the storm clouds.

We began to snuggle afterward as we both felt great. FINALLY some spice, some fire. We began talking about how I was more forceful and how I want to have a more open sex life with each other, try new things, but she didn't really say much about it which I found odd. I finally open myself up with her on another level and she does not seem to be interested in what I have to say. So I thought "what the hell i already went this far" and decided I would ask her what she wants to try. "I don't know" she said, followed by "nothing really". "What do you fantasize about when you masturbate?" I asked, "nothing, I don't fantasize about anything" she replied. Some how we did end up onto the topic of BJ's, I am fully aware that a good portion of women don't like to do this and this was already prestablished in our relationship, I have come to terms with that. I don't know what I was hoping for knowing all of that, but I decided to ask "what exactly is it about BJ's that you don't like?" so that I could get a better idea if it had to do with her feeling dirty, embarrassed. I laughed and assured her that I am immaculately clean down there and would never ask her unless otherwise, also let her know that if it was embarrassing or made her feel dirty, that I find it a turn on and she has nothing to feel embarrassed about. Keep in mind I am totally okay if she continues to not want to but her response to "what about BJ's don't you like?" basically has killed my sex drive ever since then days ago.

Her response… "I don't like the salty taste." I again assured her that there she be little to no salty taste as I am kind of OCD about keeping it clean as a whistle down here. "No not that" she said, "I don't like how salty the cum is in the throat.".
I sat there in disbelief that she just said that, it wasn't even the question I was asking, i was asking just about BJ's not cumin in her mouth. but lead to so many more questions I couldn't bring myself to ask. I could only bring myself to say "so it seems you have let your ex's cum in your mouth..?". "uh yeah" she said. I immediately shut off like a light, I am assuming for rightful reasons knowing your wife has swallowed other guys cum but refuses to even give you a BJ. There goes one of the top things I always fantasized doing with her.

But anywise, I know all that talk about its the past. let it go. But when your sex life is teetering on its last string because of no spice or flair, and she tells you that. You tend to think a lot about it. I cant stop thinking about it, "why them and not me?", "Am I not desired as much as them?", "Why is she willing to do so much with others but nothing with her husband?" I was not the one to start putting restrictions on sex in the beginning. I wanted to compromise. Keep in mind this isn't the first time this has happened where she mentioned what she has done to people in her past but not me. Could it be that she is not over them or she still fantasizes about them?


Any advice would be great, or maybe even a different perspective. HELP!
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Old 05-07-2012, 12:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

Ok from a wifes prespective an ex has a lot to do with what you like or what you may have nevre tried. For example, my sister hates giving blow jobs. Flat out hates it. She will tell you to your face. Why she hates it has nothing to do with her marriage that has now been going for 6 years. It has to do with the first time she ever tried it as a young adult. The first time she did it he cam in her mouth and she now thinks that her huband is going to do it even though he knows why she doesnt like them and swears to never do that to her. Try other things dont get stuck on the down fall. I know it is easy to question why not you and how come she isnt interested. I got divorced after 3 years for the same reasons. Everything you seem to be doing is working. So keep up the good work suprising her. She liked not expecting rough sex. When you know that you are going to have sex it kinda takes away the excitement if you ask me, especially when you have a routine. Try keeping it full of life. Example join her in the shower, start washing her body, kissing her, and let it go from there.

Hope this helps a little.
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Old 05-07-2012, 01:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

I agree with Marvel...more than likely she tried it with the ex, had a bad experience and now thinks she doesn't like it at all.

Continue what you are doing with spicing up sex life and your intimacy level will increase. Once she is feeling more bonded to you, and sees you are still respecting her boundaries she may change her mind. Maybe ask her to just kiss it the next time? It won't seem so intimidating and may get her to get past previous experiences.
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Old 05-07-2012, 01:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

Thats awesome. "This jerk came in my mouth and I didnt like it" Just a great excuse. Way to screw your H over because some ass who was likely using you to get his rocks off did something.

Sorry Hatter, I have nothing for you. I have dealt with this myself for years to a degree. Not a flat out refusal of BJs but a big time lack of enthusiasm and passion in the RARE occurence. All because of some ******* user.

I just think its complete crap and a poor excuse to deny some one you love something like that. Oh my God I might have to try and put forth effort!!!
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Old 05-07-2012, 01:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

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Thats awesome. "This jerk came in my mouth and I didnt like it" Just a great excuse. Way to screw your H over because some ass who was likely using you to get his rocks off did something.

Sorry Hatter, I have nothing for you. I have dealt with this myself for years to a degree. Not a flat out refusal of BJs but a big time lack of enthusiasm and passion in the RARE occurence. All because of some ******* user.

I just think its complete crap and a poor excuse to deny some one you love something like that. Oh my God I might have to try and put forth effort!!!
WOW have all the answers do you...You did absolutely nothing to try to help OP.

I never said is was OK for her to do this. I said this was a likely senario and suggested a way for him to get past it. That is how you help someone. Not just vent how all women are lazy master manipulators.
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Old 05-07-2012, 01:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

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Thats awesome. "This jerk came in my mouth and I didnt like it" Just a great excuse. Way to screw your H over because some ass who was likely using you to get his rocks off did something.

Sorry Hatter, I have nothing for you. I have dealt with this myself for years to a degree. Not a flat out refusal of BJs but a big time lack of enthusiasm and passion in the RARE occurence. All because of some ******* user.

I just think its complete crap and a poor excuse to deny some one you love something like that. Oh my God I might have to try and put forth effort!!!

It's not an excuse so don't look at it as one. It may be upsetting yes but don't assume your spouse is "just making excuses" Try to understand her feelings. When you make her feel safe and secure about it she just may be more willing to up her performance. BTW I was the same way as op's wife and yours when it came to bjs... BUT unlike them it was because I have NEVER done it before my hubby and i was insecure about not being able to perform well enough. When he had told me about his past experiences that didn't quite help because i kept thinking... (well how will i ever top that?) Buuut after getting drunk with him one night.. he told me afterwards that he REALLY enjoyed it. Which of course gave me initiative to do it more often. But yeah both of you need to find a way to let your spouse know they aren't OBLIGATED to do this for you and Middle.. I hope things improve in that department for you.. Have you told her how it makes you feel?
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Old 05-07-2012, 01:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

UH,oh....here we go again....We had a simular thread about this not too long ago about anal sex. Wife gave it up to Ex a few times, but would never give it to the husband....

Not sure I want to touch this one.....but, I'll recap on what most women will tell you....

She tried it, she decided she didn't like it..to bad for you. Suck it up and be happy she's having sex with you at all.

Oh! and you have no right to be jealous. There....saved us about 20 pages of posts.
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Old 05-07-2012, 01:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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UH,oh....here we go again....We had a simular thread about this not too long ago about anal sex. Wife gave it up to Ex a few times, but would never give it to the husband....

Not sure I want to touch this one.....but, I'll recap on what most women will tell you....

She tried it, she decided she didn't like it..to bad for you. Suck it up and be happy she's having sex with you at all.

Oh! and you have no right to be jealous. There....saved us about 20 pages of posts.

Well i don't agree with the sucking it up part.. the spouse needs to consider the hubbys feelings just as he considers her own imo.
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Old 05-07-2012, 01:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

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WOW have all the answers do you...You did absolutely nothing to try to help OP.

I never said is was OK for her to do this. I said this was a likely senario and suggested a way for him to get past it. That is how you help someone. Not just vent how all women are lazy master manipulators.
Not trying to be a jerk, and no I dont have all the answers. And not in any way did I infer that all women are lazy master manipulators

I just think too many women inadvertently hurt their husbands because some jerk hurt them before in relation to sex/sexuality.

Sorry if I came off as harsh and having no help for the man, but this is just something I wish wives would look at as something to work on as opposed to "well I did it with Steve, and it sucked so never again." Whatever it is. Not just oral.

Its just too hurtfull imo to make some one feel like you cared enough to try it with him/her but it wasnt that great, so no go with you the love of my life.
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Old 05-07-2012, 02:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

Madhatter - you are way off - she had a bad experience which jaded her. The best approach - tell her, you are sorry she had a bad experience, but that you hope she keeps an open mind. Add something allegorical - e.g., the first time I tried riding a bicycle, I fell and would not try again for 3 months. . .
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Old 05-07-2012, 02:26 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

For me....deal breaker.

If my wife did something for another man but refused it for me. And she throws it in my face? Not acceptable. My wife is smart enough to never admit to doing anything with other men that she refuses to do with me. I'm sure there's plenty of "items" but I don't know about them and it had better stay that way.
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Old 05-07-2012, 02:37 PM   #12 (permalink)
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For me....deal breaker.

If my wife did something for another man but refused it for me. And she throws it in my face? Not acceptable. My wife is smart enough to never admit to doing anything with other men that she refuses to do with me. I'm sure there's plenty of "items" but I don't know about them and it had better stay that way.
I dont think she tried to shove it in his face. I think it was honesty in the conversation stating that she doesnt like the taste.
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Old 05-07-2012, 02:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Okay....so, wear a condom getting a BJ, no fluids, no taste...problem solved.

Actually? It's there flavored condoms?
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Old 05-07-2012, 02:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife talks about EX'S during sex talk! WTF

All of you have valid points, I do feel better hearing from outside perspective and for some people with similar issues.

A part of my issue with the whole ordeal is the frustration caused by it all. That I been putting in 3x the amount of effort to set the relationship back on track and to expand our sex life but all i get out of it is that she used to try and expand her sex life... just not with me. What is there left to left to make me feel special as a lover that she hasnt already banned cause she did it with other guys? See what I mean. Just lack of feeling like I'm different. Frankly in very certain rare occasions, ignorance is bliss...
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Old 05-07-2012, 02:56 PM   #15 (permalink)
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It would be different is she said I've tried oral and didn't like it, but I've never tried anal so let's try that. So you can, just once, be her one and only on something. I get the impression here that women just don't understand that at all.
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