Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
After dealing with an almost sexless marriage for the past 8 years my wife and I finally got to the meat of the problem.
Yesterday, while talking about the possiblity of having a third child,I flat out told her that I'm not happy with our lackluster sex life (3-4 times a year) and that until we fix our relationship issues I won't even consider the thought of having another baby.
After a few dozen fights over sex, where she often blamed my poor timing for initiating, she admitted that she actively avoids sex with me because she is embarrassed with her weight gain and is disgusted with herself whenever I touch her. She said that she has always felt that compliments from me felt hollow because she could never see herself the way I see her. I always tell her that she looks cute, hot, beautiful or jokingly call her a sexy biatch. She told me that she knew she was purposely pushing me away and was expecting me to leave her, ultimately proving I she was not worthy of my love. She said she had contemplated seeking help from a mental health professional but has refrained because she works in health care and knows everybody that works in that office in our area.
I was completely floored. I knew she wasn't happy with her body but I had no idea to what extent.
It was like a punch to the gut to hear that but it was also a relief. All this time I thought that she just wasn't into me anymore or that sex with me wasn't worth the hassle.
Now that I got this out of her I have no idea what to do. She says she wants to try to be a more loving wife but she isn't sure if she can get over this. She want's to lose weight but has struggled over the years at success. She has talked about weight loss surgery but I don't think she needs it with maybe 50 pounds to lose and we simply don't have that kind of money. She is stubborn and doesnt like being told what to do and has told me that I need to keep my weight loss suggestions to myself, ie. don't tell me to go for a run or not to eat that.
I'm excited that I now know what the problem is but how do I solve it?
After dealing with an almost sexless marriage for the past 8 years my wife and I finally got to the meat of the problem.
Yesterday, while talking about the possiblity of having a third child,I flat out told her that I'm not happy with our lackluster sex life (3-4 times a year) and that until we fix our relationship issues I won't even consider the thought of having another baby.
After a few dozen fights over sex, where she often blamed my poor timing for initiating, she admitted that she actively avoids sex with me because she is embarrassed with her weight gain and is disgusted with herself whenever I touch her. She said that she has always felt that compliments from me felt hollow because she could never see herself the way I see her. I always tell her that she looks cute, hot, beautiful or jokingly call her a sexy biatch. She told me that she knew she was purposely pushing me away and was expecting me to leave her, ultimately proving I she was not worthy of my love. She said she had contemplated seeking help from a mental health professional but has refrained because she works in health care and knows everybody that works in that office in our area.
I was completely floored. I knew she wasn't happy with her body but I had no idea to what extent.
It was like a punch to the gut to hear that but it was also a relief. All this time I thought that she just wasn't into me anymore or that sex with me wasn't worth the hassle.
Now that I got this out of her I have no idea what to do. She says she wants to try to be a more loving wife but she isn't sure if she can get over this. She want's to lose weight but has struggled over the years at success. She has talked about weight loss surgery but I don't think she needs it with maybe 50 pounds to lose and we simply don't have that kind of money. She is stubborn and doesnt like being told what to do and has told me that I need to keep my weight loss suggestions to myself, ie. don't tell me to go for a run or not to eat that.
I'm excited that I now know what the problem is but how do I solve it?
Simple. YOU do not solve this. Instead, you:
1) Thank her for her honesty (seriously, because nothing will get resolved without it and some women will gaslight forever).
2) Express your willingness to support her in fixing her issues.
3) Reaffirm these are her issues and she needs to aggressively resolve them (being embarrassed she might run into someone she knows is something she will need to overcome).
4) Reaffirm that satisfactory resolution of these issues is what you need to further commit to this marriage - no compromise or time limit. She needs to get the mental help she needs, lose the 50 lbs if it's really a block, and be a consistently good sexual partner. If (worst case example) it takes her a long time to get over her hangups and seek help, so by that the time she is healthy she is too old to conceive, that is not your fault.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating, as they say here in the UK.
I have heard a similar thing, it just goes into my big book of excuses, and it's an easy thing to say, plus it gets her off the hook, now the proof will be if she starts to do something about it, no talk action, if there is no action it's just another excuse.
I agree with the others. She has acknowledged the problem. Now, she has to solve it. I don't understand not wanting to seek help for her weight. Here's a news flash. Her friends know she's fat. And a fat person who is actively seeking help is better than a fat person who refuses to look in the mirror and acknowledge reality.
Stay your course. Do not get her pregnant until she has made real progress on meeting your needs.
She is stubborn and doesnt like being told what to do and has told me that I need to keep my weight loss suggestions to myself, ie. don't tell me to go for a run or not to eat that.
Would you mind telling us the other half of the story because you only alluded to it here. Besides insulting her and adding to her issues by thinking you somehow control what she eats and she needs you to tell her to go running, what other offensive things do you say to her and then blame her by calling her stubborn. Just in that one sentence, you accidentally reveal you have been mean/unkind/offensive, if not all out abusive. So, tell us the rest of the ways you contributed or made it worse like you began to tell us here. Tell us the rest of your part and finish that paragraph.
Dude, please do not fall for this trap. Right now she wants something (baby). She'll play your game long enough to get pregnant and then you'll be lucky if you ever see 3-4 times a year again. She said she knew she was pushing you away and she expected you to leave. She thought about getting professional help but she was afraid what some clowns at work might think of her????????? What her husband thought of her didn't matter. That he would leave didn't matter. I'd be very careful.
I believe your wife was being totally honest with you, and it probably made her feel quite vulnerable to tell you this. It sounds like she has severe body image issues that have been growing for a long time now. When you touch her, she isn't thinking about how good it feels. It triggers her self-loathing, which makes her tense and unable to get turned on because how good it feels is the furthest thing from her mind. Since she feels disgusted with herself when you touch her (and I'm betting she might even feel disgusted with herself when you even look at her nude), she's projecting that onto you in the moment, feeling like you must be disgusted by touching her. In fact, she probably felt humiliated and scared to share these feelings with you because just talking about it would have triggered those feelings and would have made her worry you would now start noticing how disgusting her body is now that she's pointed it out. That might sound silly and illogical, but I bet it's not silly to her at all.
Telling her how beautiful she is through your eyes may not help much. It can help temporarily...as can alcohol or a day when she just happens to feel especially sexy (which, in her mind, is probably still not that sexy). But it's not going to solve the issue in the long run. That doesn't mean you should stop telling her. Do not stop telling her! But you also don't need to deliberately try to overdo the compliments in an effort to "convince" her she's sexy. Keep them sincere, and try not to be hurt when she still can't see herself the way you do no matter how you try. Trust me, it still matters to her, it's just that these issues run so deep and the solution is in her, not you.
The way she described her feelings are indicative of a really serious self-image and self-esteem problem. IMO, she could definitely use some counseling. Also, instead of offering your own advice as far as weight loss, etc., talk to her and find out what she wants. What are her goals? What will make her feel good about herself? What are her thoughts and ideas on how to get there? The plan needs to be hers, even if you disagree with it, and even if she goes through a few failed attempts before she finds the right one for her. And lastly, how can you support her in her efforts while making sure she feels in total control of those efforts?
If I were you, I would wait to try to conceive. She really should work on herself first. But make sure you don't present this like it's a punishment. 1. She needs to be feeling healthier - mentally and physically - before getting pregnant again. 2. Your marriage also needs strengthening first, and I think that's going to come from #1.
All wives have these outrageous reasons why they are not sexual and it is always unsolvable to the poor husband.
You can't fix her. She has to fix herself. She has to stop using her mind to destroy her marriage and her family. Keep with the idea that there are no more children and that you guys are heading for divorce.
Would you mind telling us the other half of the story because you only alluded to it here. Besides insulting her and adding to her issues by thinking you somehow control what she eats and she needs you to tell her to go running, what other offensive things do you say to her and then blame her by calling her stubborn. Just in that one sentence, you accidentally reveal you have been mean/unkind/offensive, if not all out abusive. So, tell us the rest of the ways you contributed or made it worse like you began to tell us here. Tell us the rest of your part and finish that paragraph.
I agree. When the OP told his wife that, "she looks cute, hot, beautiful or jokingly call her a sexy biatch," he is clearly being abusive. I mean, what woman wants to hear that her husband thinks she is beautiful? The bastard. That's not nearly enough. The OP should have been regularly sacrificing a calf on an alter to her beauty. It's actions, not words, right? Except for mean words like cute, beautiful, and sexy.
Also, the OP should never have suggested such radical weight loss options as diet and exercise as an alternative to bariatric surgery, which the couple can't afford. He should keep silent while his wife further damages her health and drags the marriage into a pit toward bankruptcy. That's what love is.
I get so tired of men being deprived of sex by their obese wives coming on here and complaining about it. They should be thanking their lucky stars that these obese women deign them fit for an orgasm a month. The other 29 days a month, they should just keep bending over backwards to meet their wives' needs. If your wife doesn't think your marriage is worth a visit to a therapist, or walking around the block, or putting down the fork, well who are you to disagree?
I guess I could have been more clear about my wife's stubborness. I have never told her what not to eat, I'm simply not that guy. She did say that to me because a relative of hers got on her case about junk food at a recent family gathering.
I've never told her to exercise either. She has often complained about never having the time to exercise and I have told her I will look after the kids anytime she wants to get her sweat on.
Thank you everyone for your help.
... and for the record if I did contribute to these feelings she is describing it was unintentional and through my kindness to her. I am totally in love with my wife and inspite of (or perhaps because of?) her rejection of me I have always gone the extra mile to make her happy even though she was not doing the same for me. I have always been there for her, I have always tried my damnedest to give her what she wants in life and I have always gone out of my way to avoid making her feel bad about herself. I know I wasn't very clear in my first post simply because those areas were not my focus. I have continued to compliment her despite repeatedly being told that I'm not telling the truth or that I'm "just saying that."
And despite sometimes feeling like quitting on this relationship I have never once breathed a word of it to her or anybody else.
OP, I don't believe you contributed to these feelings she's having. It must be be frustrating and make you feel helpless not being able to fix this for her, but it originates in her and that's why she's the only one who can ultimately fix it.
Would you mind telling us the other half of the story because you only alluded to it here. Besides insulting her and adding to her issues by thinking you somehow control what she eats and she needs you to tell her to go running, what other offensive things do you say to her and then blame her by calling her stubborn. Just in that one sentence, you accidentally reveal you have been mean/unkind/offensive, if not all out abusive. So, tell us the rest of the ways you contributed or made it worse like you began to tell us here. Tell us the rest of your part and finish that paragraph.
This is the second time I'm seeing you take a completely benign statement and craft it to your own devious insinuations. Abusive? C'mon.
5Likes
A break through but now what? 
