Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I've got an odd issue I'd like some help with. My wife and I have been together for many years, we have a few kids, and we have a mediocore (as far as frequency) sex life. I am decidedly the HD spouse and she the LD spouse. And in this case I mean "Low and High Desire", rather than "drive". I think that can be used too easily as an excuse to get out of dealing with a lack of desire. Anyway, back on topic...
Within the last several months, she has made some impressive progress as far as more frequent, and variation of things she is willing to do, however we still have quite a ways to go before we are both even in the same book, let alone the same page.
My issue for this thread deals with her periods. In the past, they would last roughly 5-7 days, and we just never really did anything over that time span. After we had our last child, she had her tubes tied. Now days, her periods will last for at least 10 days, and they are MUCH heavier than before. Here lately, maybe due to stress, the last couple of periods she has had have started, dropped off after a few days, and then started in again for several more days. 10 is still a good rough timeframe.
I have been tracking when her periods start so I could figure out a rough idea of when she would normally be ovulating so that we would have a higher chance of having sex, and it should have been at the end of last week, about 14 days after starting her period. She's still bleeding.
There are two problems here. The first, as you might have guessed, since there is no activity during these times, I am left feeling unloved and upset because she does not see the value in meeting my needs when she is "out of order". I am ok with regular sex on her period. I am also ok with other activities on her period. I know she doesn't feel good during these times and would rather just not even bother with me, but there should be some way to find that happy medium and not leave one or the other feeling that their needs aren't being met.
The second problem is that there has to be some way of lessening what I have dubbed the "Uber Period". I have read information regarding PTLS, or Post Tubal Ligation Syndrom, and it doesn't really look promising, other than reversing the tubal. Her depression and high stress levels (allbeit largely put upon herself) are also factors, but I don't know where to start.
I have suggested that she see her OB/GYN but she has not made any move in that direction. I know she is frustrated with the situation but won't do anything about it. It's been a little over a year since the tubal.
What I am looking for help with in this post:
- Help for my wife through this situation
- Help for me as I am having to go without my physical and emotional needs being met
- How she might be able to help meet my needs in a way that would be enjoyable for her as well, even during a "Uber Period"
I have experienced the 'uber period' since having my tubes clipped 18 years ago. I've discussed options with my OB but haven't done anything and probably won't.
I am currently experiencing pre-menopause which is nice because there is usually a much longer time between periods. Although the last two were only 3 1/2 weeks apart, which was my usual time frame before the pre menopause.
I once saw a naturopath who told me that when periods 'pause' like your wife's (and mine) it can mean low progesterone levels. I have also had low progesterone show up in bloodwork for the past 20 years.
Your wife might get something out of reading What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause by Dr. Lee. It's for 30-50 year olds. I haven't read it but I have read his book about menopause, and I also use his natural progesterone cream.
Is your wife aware that having orgasms during her period can lessen the unpleasant things about it, such as cramps? My hubby cannot stand the thought of blood getting on himself so we abstain, but he doesn't mind using a condom on days the flow is lighter. We don't usually do anything else because I have my own issues about oral sex going on. Thankfully my periods are far enough apart now that it isn't as much of an issue as it used to be.
Do you do things so that she doesn't feel gross when she's on her period? One thing that hubby used to do that I hated was refuse to touch me from the waist down if I was menstruating. I felt dirty, unclean, like some woman from ancient Israel who was barred from the temple. He still doesn't like to, but he does other things so that I don't feel so gross, like kiss me and hug me more and flirt with me.
I don't know if my ramblings have helped at all. I hope you're able to work through this and find some solutions.
Having an uber period sucks. I went through this with premenopause issues. I fixed mine with hormones. On sex it was either do without or get a towel and go for it. We chose the towel. Thankfully it doesn't bother either of us as long as it was one of my lighter days.
I have mentioned the potential positive side effects of orgasm and/or my finishing inside her during menstruation. Actually not this time but the previous one we did have sex a couple of times right in the middle. I did ask later if it helped at all and her response was a "not really". Of course, that was only twice. I would be happy to try to provide more orgasms by additional means if she were willing, but I do not feel that she is. She is actually the one who puts the feelings of being "gross" on herself. I have said and demonstrated that I am ok with it. We are both 30 so she's right on the edge of the age range for the book you mentioned.
The sucky thing is due to all the various circumstances at play it causes us both to be left out even when we're right next to each other.
I have had bouts of uber periods. Back in March I ended up going to the ER because I thought I had uterine cancer or cancer of the ovaries/tubes. Turns out that it is hormonal and I am considering an Endometrial ablation as soon as possible.
My mom said it was only 90 seconds long (her and my aunt both have had these due to heavy, long and awful periods) but it was the worst 90 seconds of her life. But I'd rather deal with a horrible 90 seconds than another 2 to 3 week long period.
And I also thought that having an orgasm would help clean my uterus out, I was wrong, it made it worse. I would have an orgasm and I would bleed heavier. It's awful.
Good luck to your wife. I hope she can get to her gyn and get something to help her.
I have lots of similar menstrual issues. I can tell you, it is really hard NOT to "feel gross" when you are cramping and have blood coming out of your vagina for weeks at a time. No amount of reassurance on your side (though it's sweet of you to try), can make her feel sexy if she is just feeling like crap. Like you said, there needs to be some sort of compromise, You may not find something that is "enjoyable for her as well" (sexually) during her heavy periods. She CAN get enjoyment out of giving it to you though..and maybe you can reciprocate by doing something to make her feel good in some other (non-sexual) way.
I hope you guys find a solution...I'd share if I had one. I know this isn't easy for either of you!
My wife has been getting uber periods for the past year or two now... on and off. Some months she'll have 2 (once even 3) periods. Other times she goes for a couple of months w/o a period.
The worst though is when she has a really long lasting period, and another following 4-5 days later... which is also another loooong period.
My wife and I during those times take a moment to just caress and enjoy one another while we talk. Sometimes this goes on for an hour or more. I know it's not the same as sex.
Often times we pick slow flow days and just have intercourse anyway. Even though it's not what either of us would call ideal, something is far better than nothing.
I try and use those times to get more reading or other things done... just to pass time.
Thanks, Browncoat. While not a resolution, it is helpful to see that others have and are experiencing this issue.
She is basically like an injured dog during her period, though. She just wants to huddle in a corner and not be messed with. So you can imagine that with several animals and several children, all of whom want to be "on mom" and get her attention, there is little to none left for me afterward.
Thanks, Browncoat. While not a resolution, it is helpful to see that others have and are experiencing this issue.
She is basically like an injured dog during her period, though. She just wants to huddle in a corner and not be messed with. So you can imagine that with several animals and several children, all of whom want to be "on mom" and get her attention, there is little to none left for me afterward.
Yeah I wish I could offer a proper solution... so I offer my story so you know that you aren't alone. It sucks for everyone, but these things pass fortunately.
Ablation is a solution she could look in to.. I had a friend do that. I've considered it myself but for an entirely different reason, and I agree with previous poster unless its a light day...gross is to her, you can't make that better. Also some women's just get heavier as they age...some due to hormonal changes and some women go thru early menopause perio something in their 30. She needs to see obgyn go with her set the appointment just like when having babies let her know you are there, maybe she is scared. Posted via Mobile Device
My periods had always been about 8 days long. Beginning about 3 years ago, they started getting longer until they were lasting up to 12 days. My doctor was able to treat me with mono-phasic birth control pills for a while. However, the first pill eventually stopped working to control my periods, so I switched to another. That one also eventually failed to keep the bleeding in check, as did the next three we tried. By last Fall, I was on a continuous dose of a high-estrogen pill, supplemented with 10-day courses of Premarin every two months. When that began to fail, my periods were lasting up to 32 days. I finally had a hysterectomy in January.
Encourage your wife to see her doctor (and offer to go with her if she wants some support), but just be prepared that finding a solution that you both can live with may take some time and experimentation. Also, this could be something as simple as peri-menopause, or it could be something like adenomyosis, uterine fibroids, cysts, cancer, or any of a number of other things - or, as in my case, have no real identifiable cause at all. Be patient and be kind. This sort of thing - as well as the various exams, tests, and treatments for gynecological problems - can be painful, embarrasing, stressful, and scary.
Some things that can be effective: birth control pills of various types and dosages, Premarin or similar hormone therapies, bio-identical hormones, the Mirena IUD, a d&c, removal of any fibroids or cysts, ablation, hysterectomy.
Even though it's not a popular solution, I'm going to put this out there because it worked for me...
I switched from disposable menstrual pads to cloth reusable menstrual pads, and it changed my life. My periods went from 8-12 days down to 4-6 days. I have no issues with cramps except for the day before my period starts and it's just SO much better.
I am very high drive, but get near me when I have my period and you might loose an arm. Intercourse unfortunately makes it last longer and makes the cramps worse. Normal for me is 4-5 days. If I can't wait and engage in sex, it will go on for 7-8. She needs to get checked out to make sure she isn't anemic as well.
I switched from disposable menstrual pads to cloth reusable menstrual pads, and it changed my life. My periods went from 8-12 days down to 4-6 days. I have no issues with cramps except for the day before my period starts and it's just SO much better.
If I wasn't on the brink of not having any more periods, I would do this too. I did go from tampons to pads and found that my periods did get shorter and not so uncomfortable.
Firstly I think it's important for men to understand a woman having her period is not just bleeding and a little cramping. It affects your ENTIRE body, there is an entire hormonal shift taking place.
Having a tubal should NOT affect your periods, the hormones shouldn't change and the lining hasn't changed... anyway, my first question was what is her age, is she near menopause? Has she considered getting on a birth control pill to lessen her symptoms? Or at least getting her hormones checked for an imbalance.
I don't want to come off as insensitive to your needs, but I can assure you that she doesn't want to feel like that anymore than you don't want to feel unloved. She may be scared to go in that there may be something very wrong causing this, I would not explain it like you did here, but say you know I'm very concerned about you, you're uncomfortable and I hate to see you like this. I really wish you would go get checked out, if you want I will go with you.
Don't ask a woman to take a journey and not be by her side when she leaves.
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Uber Periods...??? 
