Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Sexual abuse and assult appears to be very common. I have head that 25 - 40% of woman have experienced one or the other. It is umfortunate that the problem is not approached from the front end - prosecution of the men who assult and long prison time. Right now, perpetrators are almost assured of getting away with this crime.
With such laxity in the law and the attitude in society, men and women suffer. Those young girls who are assulted will be someone's wife. As far as revealing assulted to a potential partner - I can understand why a survivor would want to forget and just move on. It is a mistake but it is human. Besides, our culture treats sexual assault as if it is no big deal. is it surprising that women try to do the same?
I abhore the attitude that a woman should be better than men. First, enduring the assault, , then the complacency and then the punishment for being assaulted. All of that and the expectation by a potential mate that she tell when she wants to get married and have children. Men expect to avoid the consequences of sexual assault, but why should they. Why should one half of society bear the burden of what is so wrong?
I am sorry for the effect on the personal lives of men who are married to woman who have been assaulted but she has had to battle pain alone when she should have been helped. men ignore the problem until it affects them and then they are angry with the woman for not telling them so that they can avoid the problem. But why should the survivors take all of the pain? It a societal problem and men and woman need to solve it .
Innocent Men are no more at fault than innocent woman but we both are affected because that is how life is. Solve the problem with prevention and prosecution. If not, then expect to deal with it in marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
thank for your thoughts,it really helps to hear a womens perspective. no question the mean and rotten men of this world ruin so many lives (it's a life sentence for alot of woman including my wife). not only do the perpatrators ruin that life, but also her future husbands life. i love my wife so much more than sex, that even though i am unhappy with alot of things in bed, i feel so horrible for what happened to her. i have fantasized about the whole scene of her assault so much it is as if i were there. there is only one question she will never divulge, the name of the raper. she knows i would go balistic on him. i met my wife by complete luck. now i am not so sure(she has always been sure) that a higher being put us in that place in time on purpose. anyways i know i am rambling, but this is the first time in 25 years of marriage i have had a forum to discuss this and god it is a blessing. thank u and every one for everything.
Sadly, I too am in the same boat as the OP any many of the men on here.
My wife of nearly 20 years has never given me oral or indeed been anywhere my 'bits' with her mouth. Yet she loves me going down on her! I have to admit that I enjoy it too....not the taste (sorry!!) etc but simply because she was clearly really enjoying it and it gave me a real buzz knowing how much pleasure she was getting from what I was doing to/for her.
Over the years we've had conversations...I've told her how much it would mean to me if she reciprocated....I could even wear a condom etc etc...she just refuses point blank. No explanation etc nothing. Simply 'Not over my dead body...never'.
I thought that maybe she had been abused or something had happened before we met.
We went to general marriage counselling both on our own and together. I mentioned my suspicions to the counsellor...response later came back...'No...I don't think there are any hidden issues...or if there are she is bloody good at burying them'...
My wife simply stopped going to MC when the subject of sex within marriage came up. I still go though.
Like the OP, I stopped giving my wife oral about a year ago....Not once has she mentioned it or asked why I've stopped.
I suspect because she knows why...and would rather simply miss out on something she loves than even try to do something that she knows her husband would love her to do.
Call it point scoring or whatever....marriage is all about looking after each other, give and take etc. It takes two to tango.
just as akaboston i too put myself in her shoe, but i know who did this to her. Also she being the only onee i have ever told but i was molested as a child, never been to a councler to talk about it but i feel like it would do no good i just deal with that burden alone and let no one know about what happen to this day my parents dont even know even though it was a family member who did this to me. So i can see where some guys wont or cant see how it affects women but i can feel her pain i guess i just can hind it better. Posted via Mobile Device
"Oral sex is a very vulnerable position where a woman has to make herself 100% submissive to her husband, so I guess I can understand how a woman put in that situation against her will would tell herself, "NEVER AGAIN, NO MATTER WHAT"."
I disagree with this Aristotle, I used to advert, but I think of it now as a power position. The man is being submissive by letting me put his penis in my mouth, I have sharp teeth, and I bite. He is putting himself as being vulnerable.
I can't speak for all women, but I can tell you about myself. I despised oral until I got into nursing school basically. I don't have a penis, and it's rude to stare at people right? I don't have a penis to look at, it play with, I don't know what a penis likes or dislikes. A penis is a foreign object to most women. We don't know how to treat it, or what to do with it. ( I'm not saying it's not this way for guys, but what I'm saying is girls are taught to cross their legs and be lady like, we don't let other people look at our privates, and we don't be going around looking at boys penises either because that's bad and naughty). We don't understand the power of controlling the penis, and by this I mean "***** whipped". We don't realize what power we have over men. We think all they want is to have sex with us. The world would be a better place if parents or someone taught true sex education, but the truth is, most people are "self taught" through trial and error. How many guys can say they knew exactly what to do for a girl without practice? And when we are brought up in a way that being sexual is dirty... that only adds to it.
So to the OP, if you wife does occasionally give you oral, do you really, really reinforce how much you like it? Do you moan while she does it? Do you tell her she looks sexy while she does it? Let her know that she has power over you when she does it? Let it empower her, let it make HER feel sexy. Can you do that in one night? No. One thing that turns me on and empowers my sexy side is how I can make my husband's **** hard. It can be sitting there just chilling, but I start touching or licking and WHAM... yea, I did that. Just my take. If it truly is a repression due to trauma, then she does need to see a counselor. If she does it when you have "the talk" with her, it's possible that she either does it because she loves you and wants to make you happy, or she doesn't really like doing it and is just getting out of it. You said something about taste, get a cream or something to help cover the taste.
raven, everything you said was dead on. except for one thing, my beautiful soulmate does not give me any oral!!! thanks for the thread it was the best one so far for my situation. hopefully we can keep in touch. if i gave you my email would you like to talk and maybe you can help me and my wife with this situation?
AK there is one thing you need to consider. You are committed to your wife, you are here asking questions about making life better for you both. My question is what effort is your wife exerting that matches your own?
What happened to her is horrible but what happens in her life now is under her control. She is letting the b@stard who raped her to win. She is also not working as hard as you to make life better. She owes that to you at lest if not to herself.
I don't know how you would do the but I think that you must know that she does have a responsibility to thriumpt over this. Maybe your conviction will help her do the work to heal.
I think it is not productive to approach the problem from the standpoint of your sexual dissatisfaction. Perhaps from the standpoint of a happy marriage for you both. If you are not happy then you are both not happy.
You are the good guy, why should you suffer when work on the part of the woman who says she loves you would make you happy?
I have read this bj puts a woman in a position of power. That is bs - woman are told that to convince them that it is not degrading. I don't think there are many women who believe there is any power to giving a bj.
If the balance of power were in the woman's favor, why are so many men able to put their penis in the mouth of an unwilling woman?
If women really exerted the power the power of injury if they were not willing men would never put such a vulnerable part of their anatomy into an area the could easily be used against them.
Even though a woman could easily injure a man, men still coerce or force women to use their mouths. That is not power. I have never heard of a woman who bit down when she was being forced. To me that means that woman care much more about injuring a man who is assaulting them than the man cares about injuring her.
If women were really in power no man would come near a woman's mouth unless expressly invited. There would be no feeling of entitlement, no "even if she does not like it she should do it". That would be too dangerous.
I was orally raped as a teen-and to this day I can't give my partner oral right to the end. I used to *love* giving it before but that one boyfriend made oral feel dirty and cheap(like I'm a fck'n hoor) and I've never felt the same towards it again.
Thankfully my partner never pushed it on me-my question is,with all the things you can do in bed,why do guys get so hung up on oral?
Why when we suggest women get counselling for their abuse,we aren't asking guys to get counselling for their hang up on wanting it so badly? Even if I got counselling to deal with the abuse, I know for a fact I still wouldn't change my desire to give it. The damage has been done. Don't you have better things to focus on? Seriously?!
Why when we suggest women get counselling for their abuse,we aren't asking guys to get counselling for their hang up on wanting it so badly? Even if I got counselling to deal with the abuse, I know for a fact I still wouldn't change my desire to give it. The damage has been done. Don't you have better things to focus on? Seriously?!
I think that men (well, me anyway) think that oral is a normal part of sex that most other guys are getting. If your girl refuses, that means that #1 you're missing out and #2 she doesn't love you as much or isn't into you as much as the guys who are getting it. There are a million other sexual things that I don't get hung up on. Things that are outside of the norm. I don't really need those, although I wouldn't turn them down.
I totally agree with not letting abusers win. Victims find power in becoming survivors.
I know a woman who was sexually assaulted a few years ago. She won't leave her house unless someone is with her. She is allowing the rape to keep her in a prison of fear-all she does is collect disability and hide in her house. I find her choice to be a very sad cop-out, especially for such a young woman. Rather than fight the difficult battle of healing, this woman chooses to indulge in the victim mentality. What a waste!
Neither of the men who violated me will steal any more joy from my life! I am just too strong willed to become a victim of my circumstances.
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Re: oral test 
I find her choice to be a very sad cop-out, especially for such a young woman. Rather than fight the difficult battle of healing, this woman chooses to indulge in the victim mentality. What a waste!
