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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-10-2012, 03:44 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: oral test

I see oral sex (both ways) as being in the driver's seat.

Whoever's delivering the goods has their "hands on the wheel".
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Old 05-10-2012, 04:29 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Then by all means Lamaga BJ to your heart's content

WorkingOnMe- I'm sorry but your comment made me laugh!

If your girl refuses, that means that #1 you're missing out and #2 she doesn't love you as much or isn't into you as much as the guys who are getting it.

#1 - You poor thing!

#2 - You're seriously going to compare love with whether your partner gives you BJ's?! Hmmm, guess my guy doesn't love me either since he rarely gives me oral

I've read quite a few "oral sex" debates from guys. It always seems to come down to she should just do it!! STOMP STOMP STOMP. Selfish and immature.

I have a suggestion for guys with this predicament-practise getting really limbor and you can give yourself a BJ-problem solved!

Or divorce your wife-since OBVIOUSLY she doesn't love you enuff.
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Old 05-10-2012, 04:32 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: oral test

I see that hit a little close to home.
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Old 05-10-2012, 05:01 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by used2be View Post
Can i expect oral in my future? Tell me ur thoughts on my plan good or bad?
Yes there's oral in your future, only not from her.

The only thing I can suggest is your plan (witholding oral from her) won't work and the only thing that might is if you threaten to get it elsewhere if she won't do it to you.
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Old 05-10-2012, 05:22 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Yes as you can see the subject of bj does "hit close to home" for some men and women. Some reactions are very strong. Given the experience of some women it is not surprising.

I don't think that the young woman who was raped should be chastised for hiding out. Stray dogs get more sympathy than woman who are assaulted. This young woman will not recover from this trauma on her own.

She needs intervention. It is interesting that she is expected to just get over it all on her own. I am more upset at the appearance of sitting around tisk- tisking and not doing something to intervene. Why is that?
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Old 05-10-2012, 05:56 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stedfin View Post
Yes there's oral in your future, only not from her.

The only thing I can suggest is your plan (witholding oral from her) won't work and the only thing that might is if you threaten to get it elsewhere if she won't do it to you.
This will work. I guess this is consistent with an emotional feeling eminating from getting a bj from his wife?

Come on! Really? You know what this says to me? Bj have nothing to do with love - it has all to do with a sense of entitlement for them. It says that for a man who thinks like this, regards bj as cheap and any woman will do. Why would a wife want to be an interchangeable mouth for a man who does not appreciate her?

This is one of the careless things some men say that shapes a woman's attitude towards bj. Please don't wonder why woman are so reticent about this act - here is your answer. Some amount of resentment would be natural don't you think?

Bj are more important than everything that a woman does in a relationship. Moreover, some men would risk his family, and hurting hurt his wife for a bj. That makes them a cheap commodity.

She might not want to lower herself to perform a service. If she had any self respect she would never give him one again and call his bluff about cheating or leaving.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 05-10-2012 at 10:35 PM.
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Old 05-10-2012, 06:00 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
This will work. I guess this is consistent with an emotional feeling eminating from getting a bj from his wife?

Come on! Really? You know what this says to me? Bj have nothing to do with love - it has all to do with a sense of entitlement for them. It says that for a man who thinks like this, bj are cheap and any woman will do. Why would a wife want to be an interchangeable mouth for a man who does not appreciate her?

This is one of the careless things some men say that shapes a woman's attitude towards bj. Don't wonder here is your answer. Some amount of resentment would be natural don't you think?

A sex act is more important than everything else that I do. Moreover, he would risk his family, hurt his wife for a bj that makes bj a cheap comodity.

She might not want to lower herself to sevice him. If she had any self respect she would never give him one again and call his bluff about cheating or leaving.
what it say is shes a selfish bi*ch. and she gets it but won't give back
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Old 05-10-2012, 06:03 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Hi Chilly. That is a bit cold.
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Old 05-10-2012, 06:15 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Catherine has said this many times. And really I respect her words and her well thought out argument. And I agree with many of the things she writes, even though I'm sometimes surprised at myself for it. But I think she misses that these statements and arguments from men come from a very dark and desperate place. I realize that my own words sound like I have a sense of entitlement. I think the 22 years I've stayed without them will speak for itself on that. I don't want them from anybody else. The mouth isn't interchangeable for me. But I do feel less loved without them and there's nothing I can do about that. It proves to me that she's not that into me. I've ready plenty on here about women who refused them to an ex but provide them to their husband. I think that's the norm and I'm convinced that if my wife was single and found a new guy that she was actually in to that she would do this for him.

That doesn't mean that I'm entitled or that I feel entitled. It just means that I feel less loved.

Oh, and I should add that I've not bluffed that I'd get them elsewhere or leave. I might leave because I don't feel loved, but bj's are just one small piece of that.
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Old 05-10-2012, 07:27 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Working. I don't really think that bj are disconnected from love. I don't think that women need to show their man love by giving them. There are many ways to show love.

The majority of things that I have heard man say about bi and what I have heard they do, seems to indicate that bj are intensely pleasurable and because of that men want them. Some coerce, some require them to consider a woman as gf or wife material.

What is real is that women are not worthy of love unless they are prepared to give enthusiastic bj. The bj is the entry ticket, it's the payment for a relationship. That not love, it is currency.

Actions and words are congruent in this case. The only time I have read the love and acceptance stuff is when the conversation turns to trying to convince some women to do it when she does not want.

This is the way I think of giving to my husband. I love him and I appreciate that in order for me to be satisfied, he has to control his natural ability to have an orgasm quickly. I like to think that I can give him something that is all about his relaxation.

He needs to have no thought about control, just enjoy. It is not cheap to me, my husband is worth more than that and I know he thinks more of me.

I hope he does not think that one single sex act is the best way I can show my love. I hope the sentiment that accompanies the bj and runs throught everything makes him feel loved.

I think saying that bj is needed to feel loved may mean that there is no appreciation, or respect for the wife. Moreover saying that cheating is the best way of getting one says loud and clear that the love talk is a ruse to get an orgasm.


It is part of a loving relationship. It is not the most important aspect. If it were then every thing else that a woman does is not appreciated. I am certain that is not true for most men.

Words are powerful. Saying it is about love and then threatening to cheat or calling woman names are not words of love. Women who are not sure about the act are not more inclined to partake after reading this stuff.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 05-10-2012 at 09:05 PM.
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Old 05-10-2012, 07:40 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: oral test

I'm sure there are women who feel unloved being guilted into doing something that causes them flashbacks of past abuse as well. Someone pointed out, just because you go through therapy, triggers can always set someone off, not everyone reacts the same to abuse. I can see both sides of it. I was once taken advantage of as a teen by a boyfriend, I had falled asleep watching tv, and woke up to him sticking his penis in my mouth. I tried moving away, and he grabbed me by my hair and forcefully use my mouth. I would of bit him, but I didn't want to be hurt, so I let him finish, spit it out on his couch and left. I wasn't traumatized by it, but I do have issues with oral being too forceful. Meh, whatever.
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Old 05-10-2012, 09:05 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
Yes as you can see the subject of bj does "hit close to home" for some men and women. Some reactions are very strong. Given the experience of some women it is not surprising.

I don't think that the young woman who was raped should be chastised for hiding out. Stray dogs get more sympathy than woman who are assaulted. This young woman will not recover from this trauma on her own.

She needs intervention. It is interesting that she is expected to just get over it all on her own. I am more upset at the appearance of sitting around tisk- tisking and not doing something to intervene. Why is that?
Nobody can help someone who does not want to help herself.

Other people can only do so much! I am not going to waste any more energy or breath on someone who is comfortable hiding away and giving power to a rapist forever.

She refuses to attend therapy, even though she has the loving support of her husband and her family of origin, along with her very few friends who visit. Nobody recovers effectively from abuse on her own-I certainly didn't! I knew there was nothing to be gained from becoming a victim of my circumstances. I went into therapy when my self destructive behaviors nearly killed me and I had NO SUPPORT from the dysfunctional family I came from.

This woman always talks about how much she loves "getting money to sit at home." That statement alone shows me that the woman we are speaking of is comfortable with laziness. Sorry, but I have no sympathy for someone who chooses to wallow in self pity rather than trying to take personal responsibility and improve her life. I would be much more compassionate if this lady actually tried to heal herself.

Intervention has been a waste of time because she won't enter treatment. I can't drag her to a therapist-she has to want to heal. Therapy is not a cure-all, but it can help someone deal with trauma and flashbacks.

Receiving oral sex is important to me. When I was single, I refused to sleep with any man who was not into that act. I would feel less loved if my husband wouldn't go down on me, because he knows how important receiving oral is in my eyes. Placing importance on a certain sexual act is not wrong or dirty. It's just that the way some people approach their preferences is very coercive and cruel. I don't support that. Nobody should ever expect a sex act that they won't give. That is selfish no matter what the reason is.

I refused anal to an ex because he wouldn't stop pressuring me. His insistence felt very controlling and dismissive of my right to decline. I have tried anal with my husband because I feel safe with him and he has NEVER pressured me for anything in bed.

Last edited by MrsKy; 05-10-2012 at 09:15 PM.
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Old 05-10-2012, 10:51 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Catherine has said this many times. And really I respect her words and her well thought out argument. And I agree with many of the things she writes, even though I'm sometimes surprised at myself for it. But I think she misses that these statements and arguments from men come from a very dark and desperate place. I realize that my own words sound like I have a sense of entitlement. I think the 22 years I've stayed without them will speak for itself on that. I don't want them from anybody else. The mouth isn't interchangeable for me. But I do feel less loved without them and there's nothing I can do about that. It proves to me that she's not that into me. I've ready plenty on here about women who refused them to an ex but provide them to their husband. I think that's the norm and I'm convinced that if my wife was single and found a new guy that she was actually in to that she would do this for him.

That doesn't mean that I'm entitled or that I feel entitled. It just means that I feel less loved.

Oh, and I should add that I've not bluffed that I'd get them elsewhere or leave. I might leave because I don't feel loved, but bj's are just one small piece of that.
Have you tried talking to your wife and leaving out all reference to sex or bj?

It might help to talk about your unhappiness with the relationship. That is what is ultimately the problem. Make it about both of you. Find out what is wrong, what is making her unhappy. Let her know how unhappy you are.

I don't mean to minimize your feelings, they are genuine and certainly justified. What I am saying is that if you approach her and lead with bj, you may lose her attention before you get past the 2nd sentence.

Unfortunately, when men have "the talk" about sex, their partner may tune them out. This happens if the woman does not understand that sex is an expression of love for a man. But if you use her language to get her attention and patience you may make some headway.

She may think that you are concerned with yourself and about sex but not her or your relationship. That is not true so don't let it seem that way.

Talk about the future. What do you see for you both? Can you see yourself living in the state of unhappiness for a decade or two? Be honest, only tell her what you are willing to carry out.

If you were both happy and giving freely to each other, oral sex would be no deal. I think it becomes a big deal when, for instance, the giver feels that she is taken for granted, or there is unresolved conflict or she loses respect for her partner.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 05-10-2012 at 10:56 PM.
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Old 05-11-2012, 02:36 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Further.....
If a husband does his 'bit' in the house, tells his wife she looks good, gives her the massages etc...is a true 'team player' in the marriage....
....has reasonable sexual expectations - ie. sex 2-3 times a week - that includes both giving and receiving oral sex.....

BUT is left sexually unsatisfied and unfulfilled, then he is far more likely to 'wander'. That includes not getting what all men LOVE.... oral!

If you are thirsty and someone offers you a drink.....?
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Old 05-11-2012, 05:58 AM   #45 (permalink)
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ok the my whole reasoning behind starting this thread was to find out if me holding oral sex from my wife would help me recieve oral sex like I said in an earlier post when we were dating she was the one who initiated oral sex with me, but now that we are married and she has told me about her past with the abuse I dont get and oral sex but she loves to recieve oral sex. For the longest time it seemed as the only way for her to have O while we were having sex, why after I talk to her about how much I love and enjoy it is she willing to do this for me? In the past she has asked me to give her oral and I do it without question, if I ask then it's like Im asking for the world on a platter. but thats just it when she ask something of me sexually I don't question it, I do it CAUSE I LOVE HER, but when I ask something sexual of her then it's like there are unlimited reasons not to. I have never asked her to do something that would cause pain or anything like that. Basically if I ask for it, it's not going to happen, if she ask for it, it better happen and if it don't something's wrong. We have vannilla sex all the time, it's scheduled, the same moves over and over, foreplay has become something for her enjoyment and not for me, never, I touch her body, without question, explore her, but she never touchs me. like I said foreplay is something for her, in bed I touch her body, kiss her body, all while she lays there and when she's ready to go thats it she's ready for sex, not to touch me or warm me up. I have alot of issue's here and have started to build resentment for the things she is not willing to do for me hell she wont even give me a hand-job. But from the way it sound by everyone's post I should just settle for what I have and nevermind what I want and it should always be about the woman in the relationship.
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