Catherine has said this many times. And really I respect her words and her well thought out argument. And I agree with many of the things she writes, even though I'm sometimes surprised at myself for it. But I think she misses that these statements and arguments from men come from a very dark and desperate place. I realize that my own words sound like I have a sense of entitlement. I think the 22 years I've stayed without them will speak for itself on that. I don't want them from anybody else. The mouth isn't interchangeable for me. But I do feel less loved without them and there's nothing I can do about that. It proves to me that she's not that into me. I've ready plenty on here about women who refused them to an ex but provide them to their husband. I think that's the norm and I'm convinced that if my wife was single and found a new guy that she was actually in to that she would do this for him.
That doesn't mean that I'm entitled or that I feel entitled. It just means that I feel less loved.
Oh, and I should add that I've not bluffed that I'd get them elsewhere or leave. I might leave because I don't feel loved, but bj's are just one small piece of that.
Have you tried talking to your wife and leaving out all reference to sex or bj?
It might help to talk about your unhappiness with the relationship. That is what is ultimately the problem. Make it about both of you. Find out what is wrong, what is making her unhappy. Let her know how unhappy you are.
I don't mean to minimize your feelings, they are genuine and certainly justified. What I am saying is that if you approach her and lead with bj, you may lose her attention before you get past the 2nd sentence.
Unfortunately, when men have "the talk" about sex, their partner may tune them out. This happens if the woman does not understand that sex is an expression of love for a man. But if you use her language to get her attention and patience you may make some headway.
She may think that you are concerned with yourself and about sex but not her or your relationship. That is not true so don't let it seem that way.
Talk about the future. What do you see for you both? Can you see yourself living in the state of unhappiness for a decade or two? Be honest, only tell her what you are willing to carry out.
If you were both happy and giving freely to each other, oral sex would be no deal. I think it becomes a big deal when, for instance, the giver feels that she is taken for granted, or there is unresolved conflict or she loses respect for her partner.