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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-11-2012, 06:46 AM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: oral test

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Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
Hi Chilly. That is a bit cold.
Catherine,

while a can understand how you describe how some women feel about it I just wanted to let you know how some men feel about being generious in the sex department and then being with someone who is selfish in the sex department.


by now everyone on this board knows that men and women think differently. and their should be effort on both parts to try to meet eachothers needs.

you bring up the thought of it being currancy to being in a happy marriage and thats an oversimplication. I could make the argument that everyone has a certine currency in regards to what they find to make them happy in marriage.

women might say that they want a stable dependable man who is going to suport them as they have children as their currency and a man might say I need my wife to show some desire to be a good lover and lets face it if you desire a good BJ once in a while then they should want to do that because they want you to feel happy and desired. Just like a husband should make an effort to meet all the needs of a wife.

the problem arises when their is an imbalance.

lets take birthday presents for example ....I could careless about recieving presents but my wife is all about presents she is generious about putting in effort to think of a present that you would want.I on the other hand have to go outside my comfort zone and try my best to do the same. I am sure that if I said hey baby I just could careless about exchanging gifts and started being selfish and ignored her need to feel loved by not putting thought into her gifts. that she would stop buying me gifts and the resentment would build after awhile and the relationship would slowly slide into a loveless marriage.

so in my opinion you got to give to get.If your the only one giving then eventually resentment builds. and we all know the resentment is a marriage killer.

unfortunatly despite what anyone thinks the world is a tit for tat place. and it would behove everyone to try and play the tit for tat game.

I would also like to point out in a long term relationship that sex can become boring if no effort to keep things exciting is put forth variety is the spice of life. just like in buying presents if you bought the same thing everytime how exciting would recieving presents be?
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Old 05-11-2012, 07:20 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: oral test

Used2be - In a nutshell...IMO even if you no longer give your wife oral, it won't change her.
She will simply accept the 'deal' because her aversion to giving you oral is greater than her desire to receive oral from you.

Sorry....
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Old 05-11-2012, 11:12 AM   #48 (permalink)
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Further.....
If a husband does his 'bit' in the house, tells his wife she looks good, gives her the massages etc...is a true 'team player' in the marriage....
....has reasonable sexual expectations - ie. sex 2-3 times a week - that includes both giving and receiving oral sex.....

BUT is left sexually unsatisfied and unfulfilled, then he is far more likely to 'wander'. That includes not getting what all men LOVE.... oral!

If you are thirsty and someone offers you a drink.....?
You die if you don't drink water, you won't die if you don't get a bj. If a man is having sex 3 times a week and still contemplates cheating then a is a service.

That is what you are saying right? You don't need to go out looking for a mouth, you have a convenient service worker right in reach, your wife.

You understand what you are saying poisons the attitude of women towards bj, don't you? It is difficult to believe that bj have anything to do with love when a woman hears this stuff.

The threat to cheat is so common but has not seemed to coerce woman to give them. It is still a problem. Why do you think that is so?

What you are saying is that a bj is more important than humiliating your wife and the stability of your children. Do you think that a woman would put herself in a position of servicing her husband just to pay him off for fidelity? Why not get divorced and get all the bj you want. At lest be honest about what you are.

BTW, does that work in your relationship? Maybe you have the answer to the bj dilemma. Please give details of your methods of dealing with female reluctance.

I assume you get your wife to give you bj on demand? What do your say? "Give me a bj or I will get one someplace else" And your wife gives you an enthusiastic bj and you are actually able to accept it and enjoy it?

How is it possible? You would have to think of her in a service capacity. Certainly you don't view her with any love or concern.

I really don't think you should even be in a relationship. You need to go to prostitutes and/or have pick up woman in clubs and get bj in an alley with them. That would at lest put woman where you want them - things for your pleasure.
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Old 05-11-2012, 11:19 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Ok, I'm a bit thick headed and I'm embarrassed to admit that it took me 20 years to figure this out. I never asked because I assumed that the answer would be no....and without the 2 lemon drop martinis my wife had last night the answer probably still would have been no. But with the help of a little liquid courage I "discovered" last night the way to prolong a bj!!! It's called 69. Maybe you've heard of it....
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Old 05-11-2012, 12:05 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Chilly I think you are right. There is nothing negative about bj, just like all of sexual activity. Why should bj be excluded from the repertoire of sexual activity? It should not be.

I think it is a way of letting a loving good man have something that partnered sex does not give him, a chance to enjoy with our thinking of anything else.

But Chilly, I don't think many women think that way. They hear mostly negative messages, are exposed to coercion and men who care nothing for them just the potential bj they can get a bj out of them. This sets up a very negative dynamic.

This is what men are dealing with. If men accepted the fact that a negativity exist because of the attitude of many men, they would do everything possible to be more respectful.

If a husband knew what he was dealing with, he would be careful not to convey the feeling that a bj was payment for what he brings to a relationship. It mirrors the idea that women are worth very little to men unless they are providing orgasms.

If a women feels that giving them is payment for fidelity, or that she is owes her man an extra orgasm, she is not likely to want to give.

Another impediment is that a woman is expected to give a bj with no foreplay and no expectation of satisfaction for herself. He wants a bj and she is expected to give it.

Things go from sexually neutral to hot in a few seconds, hot for him, not her. Can you see the problem. If men who expect this understood female sexuality, hopefully they would not do it.

But this is how bj are done by many if not the majority of couples. Would men give a oral sex to their wives without getting satisfied themselves? No, that is not the way woman get oral sex.

He gives her and she finishes by giving him a bj? It is an equal exchange in the context of a loving relationship. She does not see it as a payoff for the relationship.

The average woman with a healthy ego does not think she owes her husband bj. She thinks that what she brings to a relationship is equal to her husband. Anger, frustration and threats of cheating over not getting them may be seen as a lack of appreciation for her and confirmation that it's all about sex.

Btw men are not the only ones that cheat. Woman are at a level almost equal to men. A threat to cheat may be seen as giving her the right to do the same if she is not satisfied. Be careful what you say.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 05-11-2012 at 02:39 PM.
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Old 05-11-2012, 12:07 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Ok, I'm a bit thick headed and I'm embarrassed to admit that it took me 20 years to figure this out. I never asked because I assumed that the answer would be no....and without the 2 lemon drop martinis my wife had last night the answer probably still would have been no. But with the help of a little liquid courage I "discovered" last night the way to prolong a bj!!! It's called 69. Maybe you've heard of it....
Working, I posted while you were posting so I did not see this. I agree with you.
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:38 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Working. I don't really think that bj are disconnected from love. I don't think that women need to show their man love by giving them. There are many ways to show love.
Isn't the point of the Five Love Languages book / concept that whilst there are many ways to show love, they aren't all received and perceived equally by everyone?
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Old 05-11-2012, 02:46 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Chilly I think you are right. There is nothing negative about bj, just like all of sexual activity. Why should bj be excluded from the repertoire of sexual activity? It should not be.

I think it is a way of letting a loving good man have something that partnered sex does not give him, a chance to enjoy with our thinking of anything else.

But Chilly, I don't think many women think that way. They hear mostly negative messages, are exposed to coercion and men who care nothing for them just the potential bj they can get a bj out of them. This sets up a very negative dynamic.

This is what men are dealing with. If men accepted the fact that a negativity exist because of the attitude of many men, they would do everything possible to be more respectful.

If a husband knew what he was dealing with, he would be careful not to convey the feeling that a bj was payment for what he brings to a relationship. It mirrors the idea that women are worth very little to men unless they are providing orgasms.

If a women feels that giving them is payment for fidelity, or that she is owes her man an extra orgasm, she is not likely to want to give.

Another impediment is that a woman is expected to give a bj with no foreplay and no expectation of satisfaction for herself. He wants a bj and she is expected to give it.

Things go from sexually neutral to hot in a few seconds, hot for him, not her. Can you see the problem. If men who expect this understood female sexuality, hopefully they would not do it.

But this is how bj are done by many if not the majority of couples. Would men give a oral sex to their wives without getting satisfied themselves? No, that is not the way woman get oral sex.

He gives her and she finishes by giving him a bj? It is an equal exchange in the context of a loving relationship. She does not see it as a payoff for the relationship.

The average woman with a healthy ego does not think she owes her husband bj. She thinks that what she brings to a relationship is equal to her husband. Anger, frustration and threats of cheating over not getting them may be seen as a lack of appreciation for her and confirmation that it's all about sex.

Btw men are not the only ones that cheat. Woman are at a level almost equal to men. A threat to cheat may be seen as giving her the right to do the same if she is not satisfied. Be careful what you say.
100% in agreament with everything you said. all my comments are about a wife that willing accepts oral from her loving husband but refuses to recproicate.

for the record I have never asked my wife to give before I have given her a loving enthuastic oral orgasm. I just assumed that any man who asks for oral on demand was not the sharpest tool in the shed.
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Old 05-11-2012, 03:16 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Do you think it possible that men who give and dont receive could plan an oral sex session? Just say its oral night.

I personally would not like 69. I don't know how anyone can concentrate while being stimulated. I think letting one person relax and enjoy then the other, doubles the fun.

We like doing that. But sometimes I like to just give a bj to my husband without anything for myself.

I don't feel at all like it is payment or an insurance against infidelity because he never made me feel that way. I am inspired when I think about how loving he is and how much he loves his family.
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Old 05-12-2012, 11:06 AM   #55 (permalink)
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Original OP - No, you should not settle. But I think you should work at making your sex life more satisfying and fun with persistence, small steps and patience.

It sounds like she takes on a sexually passive role with you. It is not unusual, some woman avoid being aggressive because they don't want to seem like a sl@t.

How about reading some books on sexual techniques and watching erotic videos? Is she the type of person who would go a long with that? If not, you read the books and look at the videos.

Take the long view and plan on working on a more active role for her over a period of months. You are looking for changes in her mindset so that changes are lasting.

My suggestion is not to act angry or frustrated, that will make you seem like you are not in control.

Maybe she wants you to be more aggressive. If you want her to do something tell her in an assured and seductive way to do it while you are making love. She may be surprised and not respond at first but keep doing it unless she says she does not like it.

Be explicit about what you would like her to do. One thing that is important, after you make love hold her lovingly and let her know that you love her. Even if she has not done what you want. Welcome even small stapes in the right direction. Let her know that you are turned on by her hands on you or lips on you. Make her feel special and that you desire her.

Woman need to feel special in order to open up sexually. Any man will have sex with a willing woman, every man wants sex acts. You have to stand out from the generic man who wants bj and doggie.

I think not being too specific about your expectations for sex acts would work better. Ease into variety and don't be angry if the initial attempts don't work. Keep at it like you believe in yourself and that you are doing the right thing for both of you.
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Old 05-12-2012, 12:34 PM   #56 (permalink)
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cath, thanks for the sound advice. my problem is until she gets counseling to let go of her rape from 32 years ago, 1o years before i met her, oraL sex is not an option. i have tried to engage her in conversations in only a gentle way many times, but it has done no good. she understands which makes it harder because where do you go from there?
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Old 05-12-2012, 06:52 PM   #57 (permalink)
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No she really does not understand not if she is not vigorously working to heal from the rape. It is difficult to live though such a trauma again. She is avoiding it probably.

When you talk to her about healing, don't say anything about sex. Ultimately, if she heals every area of your lives will improve.

My suggestion is to go with that. It focuses on her and her well being. Let her know that you want the most important person in your life to get over the suffering. Let her know you will walk with her in her pain.

Let her know you care about the trauma's effect on her mind. Don't put it in terms of how it effects bj for you. That may seem very self centered and as if you care more about bj than the fact that she was rapped.
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Old 05-14-2012, 02:02 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Lets put the whole oral sex thing aside for a moment....

Husband and wife, living together in a relatively 'normal' marriage.
The wife loves having her neck and shoulders massaged and tickled...the husband is happy to oblige because he knows his wife likes it, he loves her and he gets pleasure from giving her pleasure.

The husband loves his feet being massaged and tickled....even though his wife knows how much he likes it and how much he would love her to do it to him, she simply refuses to. She isn't even prepared to talk about it. It is simply a non starter.

BJ/Foot tickle/massage...same principle.

Giving the man you love and who loves you a bj occasionally is not exactly unreasonable, especially when he does all the things to you that you like...

Whats good for the goose is also good for the gander.... As we say in the UK!
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Old 05-14-2012, 03:13 AM   #59 (permalink)
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I do not think your approach of withholding oral pleasure from your wife will work for the simple fact you are treating the symptom of the problem. The real problem being your wife's sexual abuse. She needs an IC.
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:57 AM   #60 (permalink)
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do you think age has any factor in all this ? i have a great marriage other than the bj problem, and as we say in boston sometimes your better off to cut your losses, or why beat a dead horse.
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