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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-09-2012, 07:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Me and my wife have been married 9yrs, she has hangs ups about oral basically someone who she didn't like shoved their penis in her mouth when she was a teen, she on the other hand loves to recieve oral but not really into giving, had multiple talks about how much i enjoy this and how loved it makes me feel and how i would never disrespect her in anyway. So for about 3 yrs straight i would give her oral since clitoral stimulation is the only way she has O, but since she never returns the favor even for foreplay. Well for the past 4 months i have not given her oral, she still has O by using the tip of my penis to masterbate. My question is am i going at this the right way? She loves oral and has told me how much she loves it. Can i expect oral in my future? Tell me ur thoughts on my plan good or bad?
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Old 05-09-2012, 07:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
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our problem is eerily similar. my wife was raped in her late teens and he did the same thing to her. unfortunately he gave my life a life sentence. it is now 32 years later and she cannot let go. this has presented the same problem as you, she loves oral, but forget about reciprocating. and even worse we have sex the same way everytime.
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Old 05-09-2012, 07:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Sadly, traumatic events can cause full blown PTSD or PTSD-like syndromes. Sounds, smells, acts can cause a range of symptoms from uncomfortable feelings to vivid flashbacks. Actually doing the act may retraumatize. Try to remain compassionate and perhaps IC or sex therapy would help. Best of luck to you and your wives...
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Old 05-09-2012, 07:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Was she forced to have sex and oral sex, or just oral sex as a teen?

Oral sex is a very vulnerable position where a woman has to make herself 100% submissive to her husband, so I guess I can understand how a woman put in that situation against her will would tell herself, "NEVER AGAIN, NO MATTER WHAT".

If she was forced to oral and have sex though, and she got over the sex part (also vulnerable), it seems like she is picking and choosing what she wants to do and doesn't want to do. Not fair IMO.
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Old 05-09-2012, 08:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I went through sexual abuse as a child,,, so I have "triggers" when my H would want to just be driving down the road and expect me to let him "finger" me, and grab my breasts... Wasn't happening....

Also if we are just sitting around and he would want me to "get him hard" (by hand),,

I hope she is getting IC, if not try to talk her into it.... But FOR HER!!! Not for you hoping she gets "over it" so you can get oral from her.

Just don't get aggravated, accusing her of making you "pay for her past".....this will just make her feel "responsible" for her abuse. My H has done this and now I'm going through therapy.
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Old 05-09-2012, 09:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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In my case, my ex-wife was raped when she was a teenager by her cousin. She never disclosed this to me before, during and after our marriage. It became an important factor, according to her therapist, in her choice to have an affair.

I'm sorry but IF there was a deliberate non-disclosure of your past sexual abuse to your future husband, then he is indeed paying for your past.
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Old 05-09-2012, 10:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Was she forced to have sex and oral sex, or just oral sex as a teen?

Oral sex is a very vulnerable position where a woman has to make herself 100% submissive to her husband, so I guess I can understand how a woman put in that situation against her will would tell herself, "NEVER AGAIN, NO MATTER WHAT".

If she was forced to oral and have sex though, and she got over the sex part (also vulnerable), it seems like she is picking and choosing what she wants to do and doesn't want to do. Not fair IMO.
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Old 05-09-2012, 10:27 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I don't think your plan is going to work. Surely she's questioned why you stopped giving her oral? I can't imagine my husband withholding something from me as some tit-for-tat game if I had a sordid history that he knew about.

She needs therapy.

There are better ways to make her understand how important this is to you. Tell her, in a non-sexual situation, what you want and suggest marraige counseling to follow through. From there she should also seek her own IC.
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Old 05-09-2012, 10:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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my wife was forced into oral sex. my wife is my soulmate and i love her more than i miss the oral sex. she is a quiet, compassiona'tte, and loving wife. i did not meet her until i was 39 years of age. she has never had any therapy for this, though i have her to do so. last night was the first time i asked her to discuss our sex life, of course she wanted no part of it. sex with her without oral is great, but having sex the same way for 24 years, she does not or does not understand i need some variation. if it was up to her, witch it kinda is, it would continue until "death do us part". which makes think she really dislikes all sex in general. it is such a tough subject to tlk to her sbout brcause of course she says "oh, so sex has sucked since day 1" which is not true. she uses this for defense so she can make the discussion end. i know i am rambling, but boy is hard to talk to her about sex
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Old 05-09-2012, 11:05 AM   #10 (permalink)
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my wife was forced into oral sex. my wife is my soulmate and i love her more than i miss the oral sex. she is a quiet, compassiona'tte, and loving wife. i did not meet her until i was 39 years of age. she has never had any therapy for this, though i have her to do so. last night was the first time i asked her to discuss our sex life, of course she wanted no part of it. sex with her without oral is great, but having sex the same way for 24 years, she does not or does not understand i need some variation. if it was up to her, witch it kinda is, it would continue until "death do us part". which makes think she really dislikes all sex in general. it is such a tough subject to tlk to her sbout brcause of course she says "oh, so sex has sucked since day 1" which is not true. she uses this for defense so she can make the discussion end. i know i am rambling, but boy is hard to talk to her about sex
If a woman sees oral sex as something abusive and not "intimate" because of things she was forced to do, just leave it alone. Having her do this for you, may make her think of you as the same type of evil that forced her to do it.
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Old 05-09-2012, 02:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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In my case, my ex-wife was raped when she was a teenager by her cousin. She never disclosed this to me before, during and after our marriage. It became an important factor, according to her therapist, in her choice to have an affair.

I'm sorry but IF there was a deliberate non-disclosure of your past sexual abuse to your future husband, then he is indeed paying for your past.

I agree IF the abused does not disclose the abuse to your partner. I did disclose early in our relationship so he could understand ( which he didn't).... He actually turned the whole situation around to be about him...how I must of done things with other people that I now wouldn't do with him.. as if I enjoyed the abuse and made me feel at fault... I have dealt with 8 years of negative comments about it... and NOW that his EA's were exposed , he is ashamed about doing all this to me? Saying all the hurtful things to me... that's what took him to realize how much he verbally abused me?...making it about him AGAIN!! He couldn't of seen or heard how much this hurt me until he got caught cheating???

So I guess maybe I'm a little one sided about the issue... not wanting to sound argumentative...
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Old 05-09-2012, 04:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Numb in Ohio View Post
I went through sexual abuse as a child,,, so I have "triggers" when my H would want to just be driving down the road and expect me to let him "finger" me, and grab my breasts... Wasn't happening....

Also if we are just sitting around and he would want me to "get him hard" (by hand),,

I hope she is getting IC, if not try to talk her into it.... But FOR HER!!! Not for you hoping she gets "over it" so you can get oral from her.

Just don't get aggravated, accusing her of making you "pay for her past".....this will just make her feel "responsible" for her abuse. My H has done this and now I'm going through therapy.
I have worked through my sexual abuse history enough so that oral no longer traumatizes me. I still don't like being ordered to do sexual things or being pressured. Pap smears are very difficult and scary.

If my husband was not sensitive to my issues, we would not have such a great sex life. His gentle attitude and sensitivity have made me feel safe enough to explore sex acts which I never shared with any other man. My husband is a passionate and tender lover.

Your wife cannot expect to receive oral if she is not making an attempt to work through her sexual hangups.
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Old 05-10-2012, 04:58 AM   #13 (permalink)
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just to clear some stuff up, the abuse was only oral sex, when dating she was the one who initiated oral sex with me, only after we were married did she tell me about the abuse. When we talk about the oral sex she says she understands how much i enjoy it but she cant get over the pre-cum taste, only after we talk about it will she give me oral sex but i always feel like an ass since i know that we have to have THE TALK and then she will give me oral. She has in the past just come home and started to give me oral only because she was wanting sex it was never to complition. I have trouble believing that she was abused since she sometimes will give oral with out me asking but other times she blames it on the abuse. She also has a hard time opening up to sex, for her enjoyment, when she is sober, only when she has a few drinks will she get wild in the bed. Any thoughts?
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Old 05-10-2012, 07:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: oral test

I would suggest counselling.

Either she has some sex abuse issues .... (sometimes she feels safe enough to do it, but not when you "ask" and I kinda understand that) and you not believing her isn't going to help, so go to counselling to learn more about it. Having to have a few drinks speaks loudly to her not feeling "comfortable' with you sexually.

Or the problem is outside the bedroom, so go to counselling and maybe you can find out what it is.
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Old 05-10-2012, 07:41 AM   #15 (permalink)
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if i could have your sex life, i would never ask for any thing else of my wife!!! how about having sex 20 times and have your prick in contact with your wifes hands for a total of 3 minutes(being liberal). one problem we may be having, is that we love each other so much there is no chance of us going in other directions. even if it was a bluff she would laugh as would i. so i am in a box with no doors, so i will have to be happy with what i don't get, sadly for me and sadly for my wife because she wishes she did not have this hang up.
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