Ben confussed:
I relate to what marvel said.
My cheating spouse told the counselors that I wasn't as interested in sex as he was, and he cheated for sex only. But the texts and emails that were mailed anonymously to me tell a story of a very emotional connection with the OW.
So, although it was obvious in the emails and letters that they lusted after each other and both desired sex, sex was not the focus of the relationship.
It was not necessarily love, but both were sharing intimate thoughts and things that should only be shared with a spouse and both were complaining about silly insignificant things that annoyed them about their respective spouses.
The emails and texts seemed so immature. By the time someone reaches their 50s they should have a more realistic understanding of a long term marriage.
It literally sounded like two teenagers twittering and complaining about their mother and father rather than a spouse. It was sickening. The silly things they complained about were the most sickening part.
Also, Tthe real truth with the sex issue was that he was bored after 20 years, and wanted some variety, plus he has a porn addiction.
The porn did turn me off and it effected his performance in bed. He often had difficulty ejaculating and that made me feel undesirable.
And, often he would have premature ejatulation and that made me feel also undesirable, as if he did not want to slow down and make love to me, he only wanted to f**ck.
I did ask for counseling about it, years ago, and he refused. I did discuss the romancing issue, he laughed. That also upset me.
Sex had morphed from making love to being a situation where it was just hop on hop off and it was not very satisfying for me. It used to be but he had changed.
Then I see him spending hours days months romancing this OW in her 30s, flirting, witty repartee back and forth, lots of sexual innuendo and blatant sexual language, and groveling after a spat and him spending our marital assets wining and dining her and taking her to romantic weekend vacations spots, pretending he was on one of his boy's only camping trips, while I sat at home paying the bills and juggling our finances so he could open a new business.
Also, during R, before we separated, he did not really seem interested in sex that much. I tried to be loving and I was interested in sex. But I always had to be the one to initiate, he never did.
Still with the MC he still blamed the fact that I had withdrawn sexually as the reason for the affair.
He is now starting to realize that I withdrew because he wasn't putting much energy into me or the relationship or our sex life.
Nevertheless, he still does not seem to lust after me the way he did the OW and that hurts and is a huge turn off. I feel less than and very undesirable when with him, now.
Men come onto me frequently, so I have to wonder why my husband doesn't seem to find me sexually attractive.
I don't have a huge ego and having lots of brothers who teased me mercilessly so I never really thought I was pretty, even though when my brothers got older they told me I was.
The OW, is not very attractive, she is packaged well in a ****ty way and dresses ****ty and struts her stuff. She does have a huge ego and she thinks she is far better looking than her husband although she is not.
I at first was willing to reconnect with him, but than I could see clearly that he really did not lust after sex with me the way he did with her.
The MC thinks it's a Madonna/whoore thing. And, that would be something I could handle if he had not gone off and found someone else to romance and boff.
I mean would could have worked with that...maybe gone to a sex therapist or a counselor familiar with the Madonna-whoore issue.
In any case, I think due to all these factors he will likely cheat again, and that is why I have been thinking more and more about moving head with a divorce. I can't go through this again.
At first I bought into his claim that all men cheat, but now I am starting to realize that it is not true.
Even the stats show that only 40 to 50 percent of married people cheat.....many others never never do.