Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
So I've commented a few bits here and there but never actually posted. Not even sure why I am posting, other than I'm lying in bed wide awake, angry and he's snoring away beside me quite the bleeding thing!!
I will be very very lucky if ive got laid 20 times in the past year! Started last may when I had none for the whole month!! Pulled him up on it, said it wasn't on. He blame it on some medication that has side effects of lowered sex drive. I then got maybe once a week to once a fortnight to none again. Moaned about it some more, got a token effort again then it stopped again.
I was getting more and more frustrated. He kept blaming this medication - which he's been on long term and hadn't caused any problems until last may. Although in hindsight the most I'd ever had would be twice a week! And I didn't discover I have a particularly high sex drive until I had to start going without.
Anyway, after months and months of me moaning about it and several fights about it, in February he asked the doc to check his testosterone levels. 3 separate occasions I had mentioned this idea to him before he finally bothered to find out! In the meantime he's forcing himself to sleep with me maybe once a fortnight or so.
The doc takes his bloods, has him come back TWO WEEKS later, only to do more bloods. Another appointment another two weeks later sees him referred to the specialist at the hospital. He definitely has very low testosterone. His first hospital appointment was a month later - and they took a million more blood samples! His follow up appointment was for 6 weeks time - which is still 3 weeks away.
Now in the 6 weeks from having his testosterone confirmed as low, to the hospital appointment I got absolutely no sex. We fell out about it. He made it out it's not his fault, his testosterone is low blah blah blah. The way I see it is he managed to force himself to have some kind of sex with me before, now all I seem to have done is give him an excuse not to bother! I tell him and tell him and tell him how awful I feel. How I hate going to bed at night and getting nothing. I mean I could strut about the house naked, or in sexy undies and he still wouldn't bat an eyelid.
In my head I know that he just doesn't ever think of sex but I don't understand how he doesn't think of me. If I'm particularly grumpy, he knows that's why yet still he never even mentions it, nor does anything about it. I tell him I feel that he doesn't want me and how soul destroying it is and it's like he doesn't care or doesn't even hear me.
So we get to 2 days ago, and I tell him that I'm not cuddling anymore. We normally cuddle on the couch and then cuddle in bed before going to sleep. I told him I can't do it. And nothing. He's never mentioned it, never even attempted to cuddle me either. Not that I want him to. I want him to feel how I feel! I have never, ever felt so constantly depressed in my whole life.
I know I'm getting angry, and I know I'm getting resentful and he just doesn't seem to care. "Ive got low testosterone, I'm seeing the hospital about it, what more can I do?"
And here I am, like every other night, lying awake, crying myself to sleep and he just doesn't care.
So does he give you any type of sexual pleasure at all? If not, tell him to suck it up, he has needs to meet. He has fingers and a tongue, so he should just do it, even if he isn't in the mood.
LD (low drive) spouses rarely fully understand the hurt they cause their higher drive spouse. That feeling of being unwanted and undesired night after night, week in and out, and on into months/years really wears at you. I know, I've been married 15 years this month and most of those years have been sexless (<10 times a year).
I've been where you are, and at times I still am: alone during the day or night in tears. It can be agonizing! At times it can be your own private hell.
Things have started to turn around between my wife and I, and I hope with testosterone treatment that things might turn around for you. Still there is more you two can and should do.
You two should consider seeing a sex therapist. My wife and I have been seeing one for just over a month, and it's made a difference in our sex lives and in my wife's attitudes towards sex.
One other thing that I have done that's made a big difference for me is to channel all that frustration and #@&! into something I enjoy. For me that's been exercise. Over the past month and maybe a half now I've been exercising just about everyday (I skip some days on the weekends).
You need to find that something to pour yourself into: exercise, art, education, etc.. Just throw yourself into something, and give your husband some space while he starts his testosterone treatment. Stop asking for sex all the time, or even at all. Just focus on yourself and your interests. Be loving and kind to him. Respect him and communicate well together... but just shift more of the focus of your life onto yourself. That space will help clear your mind and release all that resentment building up inside.
Many men and women find themselves in a very similar situation, some worse, some better.
Personally, my wife has a lower drive than I do and it has been an ongoing issue for us that we've worked on to no end. While my situation is not as bad as yours (frequency wise) I do sympathize. The numerous rejections have taken a toll on my self-esteem and caused me to doubt myself as a man at times.
Many times after she'd reject me and just go to sleep, I'd lie in bed for a few minutes after she nodded off and then I'd leave the bed to go sleep on the couch because I couldn't take the thought of lying next to someone who didn't want me.
I'd often return to the bed in the early morning and as dar as I know, she never has known that I was gone! (She's a sound sleeper)
As others have said, it's not you but also please get the two of you in to some type of therapy and start talking about this issue. It won't get better on it's own
I was in tears listening to my husband snore away last night as well.
It is so hard, isn't it! I'm starting to get VERY resentful as well.
Yes, he is seeing the dr. etc. and that is great - but I would be just as upset as you! There are still things he can do.
This is what touched me the most about your post, because this is exactly how I feel;
In my head I know that he just doesn't ever think of sex but I don't understand how he doesn't think of me. If I'm particularly grumpy, he knows that's why yet still he never even mentions it, nor does anything about it. I tell him I feel that he doesn't want me and how soul destroying it is and it's like he doesn't care or doesn't even hear me.
THIS IS NOT OK!! I told my husband it would be like him telling me (please excuse this example - but you get the point) 'hun, I know you HATE doing the laundry etc. but it does really bother me that I never have clean work socks. If I could wake up in the morning knowing I had clean work socks it would truly make me happy and improve my life greatly" (FYI I'm messy as heck - but my husband truly doesn't seem to be bothered by it and never nit-picks etc. )
I would MAKE F'in sure I had those socks clean at all costs. He told me it would make him happy - and I want to make him happy so why wouldn't I try.
Of course sex is a lot different then clean socks - and no you don't want your partner to 'not like it' ~ but dear god.
I just wanted to let you know that I too am in a similar position to you. The good news is at least your husband has been to the doctor and the problem is being investigated. Fingers crossed for you that it gets resolved and you get back on track!
Reading your post there were many similarities to my own situation. However, although my husband isn't interested in sex at all he won't even admit there's a problem! We have had sex twice this year! It absoluely kills me. I am lucky if I get a peck on the cheek at night...lucky me! What I don't understand is if it was the otherway around and I was the one who wasn't interested, there is no way I could keep rejecting him, it is the most hurtful thing ever.I have slept next to my husband and cried myself to sleep because i feel so lonely and empty. I think a previous poster mentioned a good way to channel your energy is to focus on you. I really enjoying running. Try and take up a hobby( if you don't already have one) or something that you can focus on and channel you energy on.
I truly hope you can work this out. I know for me, I think I havepassed the point of no return. He has hurt me so much I don't think I even want him near me anymore. He makes me feel like a freak although I am told that I am attractive so I do realise he is the one with the problem not me.Unfortunately, I am trapped as we have two young children. Good Luch to you and I hope you can work things out, let us know how you get on
Thanks for your support means a lot. Especially to hear from others in my position - not that I'd wish it on my worst enemy!
I'm seriously grumpy with him today still I can feel it. I've been away out today working the bar at an agriculutural show. He was out for work before I left and I told him I'd be back about 8 tonight. I then texted him at half 7 I say I was on my way home (takes an hour) and at half 8 as I was almost home, I met him on the road with his pal heading the opposite direction. He's not had dinner, I've not had dinner. And now I'm still sitting in the house 40 mins later with no sign of him!! It makes me sooo mad! He finished work at half 3 on Fridays so he's hours to do whatever crap he's doing now! And it's not like he didnt know I'd be home by now!!
It makes me sooo mad!! The worst of it is, we've been friends for 12 years before getting together, and there's kids involved so it's not as simple as just walking away. But I just can't believe all these years when I thought I knew him - and would have told anyone he's the most unselfish person I know - that it turns out he is actually pretty bloody selfish!
And now I'm such a spiteful cow I'm sitting wishing I'd made my dinner when I got in as id have finished it be now and he'd have to fend for himself!
Urgh! And I hate being grumpy!! I'm normally the happiest wee cheeriest person you'd ever find. Always positive in the most hopeless of situations...until now
Urgh! And I hate being grumpy!! I'm normally the happiest wee cheeriest person you'd ever find. Always positive in the most hopeless of situations...until now
So sorry!
I too am a really cheery person the vast majority of the time, always one to try and find the positive in others. I know it can be hard to be where you are.
Like you I have children (4 in my case), so divorce isn't an easy option... in my case I ruled it out as an option. Separation though, I didn't. I never threatened it as a tool to get my wife to kowtow to my wishes, but I seriously considered it at times and my wife knew it... and that I was serious about it.
Just be very careful if you decide to go that way that you don't brandish separation like a weapon, it can cut both ways and can hurt more than help.
You need to make it clear to him, that you are the first priority in his life... not the last. I know I had to deal with that very issue with my wife. She treated EVERYTHING as a higher priority to me and my needs. It sounds like he puts his friends and his fun over you.
One other thing we did, that I don't believe I covered in this thread to help communicate better with my wife was to do what I called write ups. Each of us separately wrote down all the things we saw as broken/wrong in our marriage. We then went over each other's lists together, but with the rule that we weren't allowed to get defensive and our job was to sympathize with the other... or at least understand where they are coming from. When we were done we laid out some practical plans for each of us to improve things for the others.
Those write ups helped us a great deal to understand each other more, and to meet each other's needs.
I too am living in a sexless marriage. I'm the partner who wants more sex, and sometimes it really upsets me. I get angry and frustrated. But you know what? I don't "need" sex. I just want it, really really badly.
I have read a lot of comments on here about how the partner who is withholding sex is being selfish and whatnot - but I can't imagine anything much worse than having sex if you don't want to have sex.
In a marriage there are always going to be disagreements, and sex seems like a big one. But I can't force my wife to want to have sex.
It's taken me a while to figure this out. Our sex life has been nearly non-existent for going on 5 years. But otherwise my wife and I have a great relationship. We get along really well, we laugh all the time, we share goals and interests - we really are best friends, working together to make our life.
So as for sex, well, I get a lot done these days. Lets just put it that way. I have hobbies, I keep myself busy. I am also getting pretty creative when it comes to masturbation.
It's not perfect, but no marriage is. Practice patience and forgiveness, and figuring out how to deal with things the way they are, instead of dealing with the way you would prefer them to be.
In my case it's not the fact that he doesn't WANT to have sex. It's that he never ever thinks of it. As a result of his low testosterone so in hoping for a miracle cure it has to be said. But he enjoys sex, like really enjoys it. And I know that I'm definitely much more loving and affectionate in the days after I've got lucky. But he just never thinks of it. This is what gets me so frustrated and angry. I mean, why can't he set an alarm on his phone that we're gona have sex on Wednesday or whatever. Not very romantic I know, but it means when his alarm goes off, he'll think of it. We'll be ok. It's the lack of effort to come up with a solution that stresses me so much
But anyway, I got some Saturday, made mention of being horny on Tuesday and got it again miracle ha. But now I'll be waiting weeks again I think because I just don't like having to beg for it!
But anyway, he's back at the testosterone specialist on the 1st of June so fingers crossed they start to sort him then. Although he had to have an MRI scan this week so I'm a little worried he may require the pituitary gland removed :-/ but apparently is a simple safe procedure, and at least he'll be better afterwards.
Oh that's totally the way it is!! And I get mad at myself you coz even though in my head I know it's coz he just doesn't think the same way I do, or the way most people do, it still hurts like hell.
I could walk through the house stark naked, or even in sexy undies and he wouldn't even bat an eyelid. Meanwhile if we're cuddled in the couch and he brushes against a bit of skin and I'm turned on!
It's definitely the thought that he doesn't want me. To look at me does nothing for him. It's awful.
3Likes
Not getting any. Can't bear it :( 
I'm normally the happiest wee cheeriest person you'd ever find. Always positive in the most hopeless of situations...until now 
