Originally Posted by walkingwounded

heartsbeating, the list for me would be more about the reasonings rather than the actual rejections. Another poster created a thread that summarized it well a few days back, about how her H turns her down but she doesn't need the lecture that goes along with it. There is ALLWAYS a reason why I've initiated at the wrong time. He says it like I am stupid for even *thinking* that it was a good time to initiate.

I am sure there are emotional issues in play on his part. I suspect he sees my advances as a form of "desperation" allmost. I have low esteem after his EA a few months ago and I have explained how his constant rejections affected me. He is fed up with my low esteem. He has said so. Yet he actively avoids anything to build me up like you would think a H would. Particularly given his EA. It is like he has a poibt in his head where he has said, enough time has passed and I should be back to normal now and I am somehow faulty and desperate for not being so.
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Originally Posted by walkingwounded

It has been nearly 3 weeks since my vow to stop initiating.

As a brief rundown... My lower drive H kept rejecting me over a period of months. He was fine with initiating when he was in the mood which is less than me, but his rejections of my initiations got hurtfull. He also had no interest in offering any kind of halfway, like a W might initiate a BJ or HJ when her H is in the mood and she wants to met his needs. I tried many approaches. The most I got was that he came to me more when I dropped the temp, which is what I continue to do as the hotter spouse.

How do I feel?

Mostly so far, I feel actually a lot more... at ease. I thought I would feel constantly "desperate", but I don't. I feel more free. Like I have given myself permission to allmost stop worrying about it.

I also feel more comfortable not worrying about constantly ensuring I am doing stuff that he likes. I have relaxed about it and stopped doing some things I previously did routinely and not been apologetic about it. I feel very strongly the more I think about this that this is *not* something he thinks about in the same way or ever has done. He appears a lot more casual and relaxed about it and I have adopted that attitude also. I feel a massive weight has been lifted. I feel like I am not constantly now thinking what I can do to make him happy but am focussing more on ME, but in a good way.

There have been three occasions I remember over the last three weeks, where I let my guard down:

1. We were getting ready to go out and after some good vibes that day when he said he was going in the shower I felt bold and said I should get in with him. He shot me down so I retreated.

2. A week later he was laying in and I came upstairs and ambushed him. He responded well!

3. Earlier today he did a job in the kitchen that had needing doing for a while. I expressed appreciation and lightheartedly said that it was like having a handyman come round to do work wearing his overalls (alluding to a fantasy of mine that he knows about) and jokingly asked what did I "owe" him?

He cut me down again with an "um, nothing" and frowned at me. I just got on with it and tried not to let it bother me. Crazy thing is he makes these kinds of jokes to me all the time.

I do feel a little restricted at times but then he does the 1. and 3. responses above and I realize exactly why I stopped flirting and initiating.

I have stopped hoping and expecting and that helps too. I go to bed when I want without prying when he'll be up. I avoid the deliberate " getting in the way" he does in our kitchen so I have to walk right by him and brush up against him.

OK so I do feel a little sad... I know logically this isn't a long term strategy but for now it is working to protect me from the damage of constant rejection. Not sure what comes after this or when though...

Originally Posted by Mishy

Hi Walkingwounded,

My situation has a lot of points in common with yours, with the difference that I am an husband.

I have stopped hoping, initiating, expecting sex. I am trying hard to change my attitude towards this "problem". As a result I focus more on myself, my hobbies, I take care of my body. I remind myself everyday to be grateful for what I have, and always had: a roof over my head, a job, friends, etc..
Like you I feel better, almost relieved. My mind is not so occupied all the time on how to "try to get her to want me". I strongly believe that making love should be wanted by both partners and there should be some kind of attraction and passion from both parties.

Like you, I let my guard down when (wrongly) I get some good vibes, and then I get rejected. I try to take it lightly when this happens but it's not always easy.

The thing that makes me a bit sad is that I don't really feel the need for sex as often as before (maybe my testosterone level is dropping??) and I am a bit less affectionate with her.

Me too with the latter part. I thought my dri ve had dropped though my belief is that for me it is emotional rather than physical. Which is what has led me to believe that this is not purely sexually driven but an intimacy and emotional issue. He suggests I take care of things myself which is an option... But honestly? It's not the physical sensation I am solely looking for. For me taking care of things myself is a loud and clear slap in the face, a reminder that he isn't interested in doing that for or with me like I would like.


Wow, this is really worriying to me. IMHO He is somewhat resentful maybe for things he was disappointed/frustrated with you in the past and now you've become "not mature enough" or "not up to the standard" for him. He considers you not worth of his time/consideration. I know that I sound harsh, but I think it's "OK" (not right but sometimes you can't help it) to say nasty things when you are mad, but then when everything is quiet there should be time to talk and be able to clarify things and "make peace".
If you can't talk, and that was my case (on top of that English is not my mothertongue) maybe you can try writing a letter to him. I did it and somewhat worked for me, it took a couple of days to settle things down but in the end we were able to clarify our respective point of views.
It did not solve the "sex" part, but at least we are able to communicate as adults now.


I hope this helps,


M.

Originally Posted by deejov

Strict boundary enforcement.
Yeah, there might be issues under the surface, sex is usually a sympton of something else going on, but it takes some prodding to ensure nobody "uses" that as an excuse to be an azz and treat someone poorly.