walkingwounded

It has been nearly 3 weeks since my vow to stop initiating.

As a brief rundown... My lower drive H kept rejecting me over a period of months. He was fine with initiating when he was in the mood which is less than me, but his rejections of my initiations got hurtfull. He also had no interest in offering any kind of halfway, like a W might initiate a BJ or HJ when her H is in the mood and she wants to met his needs. I tried many approaches. The most I got was that he came to me more when I dropped the temp, which is what I continue to do as the hotter spouse.

How do I feel?

Mostly so far, I feel actually a lot more... at ease. I thought I would feel constantly "desperate", but I don't. I feel more free. Like I have given myself permission to allmost stop worrying about it.

I also feel more comfortable not worrying about constantly ensuring I am doing stuff that he likes. I have relaxed about it and stopped doing some things I previously did routinely and not been apologetic about it. I feel very strongly the more I think about this that this is *not* something he thinks about in the same way or ever has done. He appears a lot more casual and relaxed about it and I have adopted that attitude also. I feel a massive weight has been lifted. I feel like I am not constantly now thinking what I can do to make him happy but am focussing more on ME, but in a good way.

There have been three occasions I remember over the last three weeks, where I let my guard down:

1. We were getting ready to go out and after some good vibes that day when he said he was going in the shower I felt bold and said I should get in with him. He shot me down so I retreated.

2. A week later he was laying in and I came upstairs and ambushed him. He responded well!

3. Earlier today he did a job in the kitchen that had needing doing for a while. I expressed appreciation and lightheartedly said that it was like having a handyman come round to do work wearing his overalls (alluding to a fantasy of mine that he knows about) and jokingly asked what did I "owe" him?

He cut me down again with an "um, nothing" and frowned at me. I just got on with it and tried not to let it bother me. Crazy thing is he makes these kinds of jokes to me all the time.

I do feel a little restricted at times but then he does the 1. and 3. responses above and I realize exactly why I stopped flirting and initiating.

I have stopped hoping and expecting and that helps too. I go to bed when I want without prying when he'll be up. I avoid the deliberate " getting in the way" he does in our kitchen so I have to walk right by him and brush up against him.

OK so I do feel a little sad... I know logically this isn't a long term strategy but for now it is working to protect me from the damage of constant rejection. Not sure what comes after this or when though...

deejov

That's awesome to hear that it is working for you... so far.
Really glad to hear you feel more relaxed about things.

It takes time to get better at it, I think the more comfortable you get with "you", the more you may find him attracted to you!

WorkingOnMe

Oh, now that is hot as hell. I SO wish my wife would say something like that.

But, um, sorry it didn't work out the way you hoped. I know all too well that rejection hurts and it makes it that much harder to try again. If my wife had your attitude I would be getting a lot more house projects done

RandomDude

Strange, you seem to be doing things right, you obviously know how to flirt and suggest, not so much on the teasing but that takes initial interest on his part first.

Not to presume, but we men are visual creatures. There will always be physical elements, how's the gym, working out, bodywork etc? For the missus she knows full well that I personally find her most stunning feature are her sexy legs and how she carries herself with them.

She has learnt to intice me, but refuse to allow me free reign over them, which intices me even more until I lose it like a savage horny beast. She has learnt my buttons.

Nonetheless continue experimenting with his triggers!

walkingwounded

I think the principle of cooling things down works to a degree with us. I know he would like me to be less uptight about stuff. I'm not convinced that doing this long term is healthy but right now? I don't know what else TO do.

Glad someone appreciates the sentiment!

I have no idea why he had that reaction. You'd think I'd said the most laughable thing ever with the way he reacted. I have actually considered noting down all these reactions to show to him over a month or so so he can see how he comes across.

walkingwounded

I have been thinking about what he likes. Physically I'm in good shape. Regular exercise. Been seeing what gets a good reaction.

I rocked a camisole type top, black shorts and lacey legs that I know he likes last week. I asked him what he thought. "You look like a prostitute." Um no I don't!

Most of what he offers as to what he'd like me to do is to dress up in lingerie/dress up in short skirts/dress up in whatever and surprise him. Um I *used* to do that and it didn't get his attention! I feel very much like he's setting me up to fail and I don't know why.

Browncoat

Thanks for the update. Hopefully it won't be much longer before you see more positive change from him.

Man he really doesn't know how lucky he is. My wife has worn lingerie less than a handful of times during 15 years of marriage. /sigh

Anyway I'm glad to hear that you are at peace with not initiating. I know I too found it surprising freeing when I did it... though sadly in my case no response. Your case is much different though, my wife before had zero sex drive... never really did have one. So I have high hopes for you despite my results.

WorkingOnMe

I actually gasped when I read this. He really said that? Like he's actively pushing you away and insulting you to make you stop?

Browncoat

Yeah that surprised me too. I wonder what he thinks it takes for a woman to look like a prostitute.

WorkingOnMe

Even if she looks ****ty, she "your" ****. And I mean that in the best possible way. Really. There's no end to the things I would do to get my wife to pour out her inner **** for me.

walkingwounded

Black camisole top, shorts, etc...!

I will put that into context. He said that, I said "no I don't! Don't you like it?" to which he replied "I didn't say I didn't like it..." You can't get the tone from what I've put here but it wasn't playful or flirty. It was weird.

I just don't "get" him sometimes. I genuinely don't understand his weird reaction to stuff I thought would be flirty or teasing or even just when I do or wear stuff I think he might like. He looks or speaks like I've done something really stupid. Part of this is because I figured he preferred being enticed rather than me being more bold like I used to. It is like a mystery I keep thinking I have found the answer to then realize no, it's not that.

I got out of the car yesterday outside our house to open the gates to the yard. A car was driving up the road coming past us. The guy driving wound down his window and shouted "woohoo!" at me. Pulled up at the junction and turned round to look at me and smiled. So I feel I'm not incredibly ugly like I feel sometimes but I wonder what's up with my H. I have told him that from reading on here millions of guys would love to have a W so open and interested and he didn't take that too well...
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RandomDude

Hmmm... well you can try being a bit less obvious in your seductions. It's the same for blokes from what I've noticed on this forum; men end up trying to romance their wives while their wives know full well they are just trying to get sex

Same thing is happening here it seems

The missus in the past had the same problem and to be honest I also didn't really like it when she did EXACTLY what I told her to do in regards to my 'buttons'; it's no surprise, it's more like "oh, that again? hell that's old!" So I don't really get turned on

Nowadays though she's more natural and relaxed, knows how to simply look and act sexy without any intention behind it. She no longer has to initiate, and has learnt how to say no to me (which gets me more interested)

Perhaps the obvious intention is the culprit in your situation

heartsbeating

Well, my lovely, I for one can tell you are a sexy beast. I have a sense for such things. So now that we've addressed that aspect, lets move on.

It's been my experience that when the emotional side of the relationship is addressed (I didn't even realize how I was missing the mark on some of his emotional needs); that when he addressed some of his own issues; and when I saw the part I had to play in it all .......and when I could listen, REALLY listen to him; is when our sex life started to truly turn around again.

While I recognize now how I teased and lured in the earlier years, I had become too "obvious" in my approach with him, and that went hand-in-hand with a disconnect that was beyond the bedroom. So then I toned my approach down. I started focusing on my growth, just as he was on his, and realizing the emotional need I was falling short on providing. And he started opening up more than ever with me. I find the dynamic really hard to summarize as there's so many layers. At the time it felt daunting and frustrating, but now it just makes so much sense when I reflect.

I made a thread here a while back about the art of subtlety. I remember posting that one night all I did was simply moved my hair to the side, just innocently when we were in bed to expose my neck/back and I knew he was looking at me. I did it effortlessly and he caught on to that movement quicker than if I'd walked past and flashed him in an obvious way. Subtlety. But I stand by that the emotional has to be dealt with first. Some of it was his stuff, then it was seeing the part I played.

My advice is to stop wondering "Why won't he pounce me? That dude turned back around to check me out.." This is not about your appearance or your ability to attract men. No. It's about your ability to further develop your relationship and help your husband feel trust and vulnerability. It seems to me at least, a few of the main reasons husband's may react the way yours is, are often one of the following: a) unresolved emotions (he might not even realize this himself) and/or stress, b) infidelity and/or porn, c) medical reasons and/or medication. It seems I like to write and/or a lot.

All I can say now, is HOLY SMOKES!! He initiates consistently and he is more sexually open again. I can't even put into words other than phwwoooarrr!!! The changes translate between us both inside and outside the bedroom.

__________________
"Victims; aren't we all" - The Crow

heartsbeating

Sorry that I don't know your back story ...but does he KNOW that the status of your sex life is leaving you feeling saddened?

My H and I had very candid and open discussions about it.

I think if you presented to him a list that showed all the time he'd rejected you, you're likely just going to be "punishing" him in a way. If that was done to me, I would feel like I was being scolded and it would take a hell of a lot for me to pull myself out of my own ego to then come from a place of wanting to work on things for the better.

I think there are deeper things that likely need to be addressed outside of the bedroom. I also feel that it needs to be made clear your desire for a trusting and fun and connecting sex life. If he shuns you per the examples you have given in your OP, why not tell him then and there, calmly, how it makes you feel?


Honestly, where's Enchantment when you need her? She has a knack of wrapping things up eloquently and helpfully and asking the right questions! I hope my posts provide another perspective for you to consider.

__________________
"Victims; aren't we all" - The Crow

walkingwounded

heartsbeating, the list for me would be more about the reasonings rather than the actual rejections. Another poster created a thread that summarized it well a few days back, about how her H turns her down but she doesn't need the lecture that goes along with it. There is ALLWAYS a reason why I've initiated at the wrong time. He says it like I am stupid for even *thinking* that it was a good time to initiate.

I am sure there are emotional issues in play on his part. I suspect he sees my advances as a form of "desperation" allmost. I have low esteem after his EA a few months ago and I have explained how his constant rejections affected me. He is fed up with my low esteem. He has said so. Yet he actively avoids anything to build me up like you would think a H would. Particularly given his EA. It is like he has a poibt in his head where he has said, enough time has passed and I should be back to normal now and I am somehow faulty and desperate for not being so.
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