Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I am 27 years old. I met my wife when I was 18. I knew that night she was the only person I wanted to be with. We dated for about 8 months, and of course the sex was frequent and fun then. We decided to live together and moved in together. It started a little rocky, and I attributed that to getting used to living together. After we worked out all of the kinks living togther had caused we started talking more openly about everything. We have almost always been open about sex but this was when I learned that she had never orgasmed. I consider myself a passionate man, and it killed me that she wasnt getting that. So I worked hard and did everything I could, and we found a way to get there. She can orgasm on top only, but damn near every time ans sometimes twice. Ok now that I have laid the ground work, about two years into our relationship and about two years before the birth of our first son, the sex grinded down. For the last seven years we, on average, have sex once or twice a month. This is where my story varies a little. The sex is fantastic, we both have a great time, we both get off, and it can last, with foreplay, up to three hours. The problem is, she is completely uninterested in sex, in any way shape or form most of the time. I have always just dealt with it, but lately its bothering me more and more. We dont use any sort of birth control, because after our second child, she had her tubes tied. So there is no fear of pregnancy. I love my wife so much, and she loves me. Im just so lost. I am a kind of timed man, so I dont like to push for it, and I wont do it if she is only agreeing to satisfy me. On top of all of that, and what makes it worse to an extent, is once a year or so we will have a week of mind blowing, intense sex. And then, our longest gap. Im worried that its me, that I want it to much, that she isnt attracted to me. For a while I thought it was because of her self esteem, which is hard for me to grasp because for our entire marraige I have told her she looks amazing, is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, every single day. She is down below her baby weight from our first child and she looks amazing. Im just so lost. Please help, I am trying not to get frustrated, not to get angry at her, I just dont know what to do.
I had one prior experience. It was bad, lol. She had a few, all of which where your basic high school BS. She was taken advantage of a lot when she was young. It took a long time to get past that. She says she had sex with me so much then because she wanted me to stay and she thought that was the way, had I known that then, we wouldnt have. Another point to this is, she knows, she is well aware that she dosnt want to and that I do. She sometimes apologizes and it makes me feel like a terrible person, so I reassure her that its ok and it dosnt matter, and I love her. Thus I think making it ok for her to not want it even more.
First, I would take what she says about why she had sex with you so much early on with a gain of salt. Sometimes current events/feelings color the past and re-write history. It’s really hard to disguise ‘just doing it to keep my man’ as passion. If she was just play acting I really think you would have known.
You say that your wife can only orgasm while on top. Are you saying that oral and manual don’t work for her? Most women cannot have an orgasm from penetration only. It’s just how we are built.
Apparently for a lot of women their sexual desires fall off for some after having children. I did not experience that but from what I’ve read some women are like that. I think it’s a hormonal thing as well as an exhaustion thing from taking care of children, working at home and maybe even working outside of the home.
Does your wife work outside the home?
There are some things that can be looked into. Her hormones fight be off kilter. She can see a doctor to check this out. So if she will go to a doctor good…eliminate this first.
Get her to go to a sex therapist with you if at all possible. They are marriage counselors who work on all aspects of marital problems but have special knowledge/skills in dealing with sexual dysfunction. Your wife definitely is low drive right now.
There is a quote that I think explains the difference in sexual desire between men and women. It’s a bit simplistic but it gets the idea across: “A woman needs a reason to have sex. A man only needs a place.”
On that note, along with the counseling, I highly suggest that you take a look at the material in the links below for building a passionate marriage. Get the books, read them and work through them with our wife. There is something missing in your relationship for your wife and these books will give you the tools to find out what it is and how to fix it.
It sounds like she may have never really enjoyed sex. You say that she was taken advantage of and that she gave it to you so that you would be with her. Sounds like sex has only ever been a tool or currency for her rather than something that she does for the fun of it.
I know some women who were like this and they finally came around to see sex differently but not sure how that change happened. Mainly when the change happened they were in long term relationships and 'relearned' what sex is supposed to be.
Well then, given her admission about the purpose for sex, it seems there are two alternatives:
1) She feels you are safe and that she does not have to try any more, and/or
2) She feels there is not the same motivation to keeping you around as before. It could be that you've changed somehow, or with the kids and home she has what she wants, etc.
For (2) all you can do is work on yourself and be the best you possible. Again, the reason might not have anything to do with you, but change what you can.
For (1) you can behave in a way that threatens her sense of stability - "turning down the thermostat". Do less for her and more for you. You have kids - do more with them away (park, play dates, day trips) and demonstrate that you can have a happy life without her and cherish your kids / parent them well.
I suggest you take her seriously about her reason for the sex slowdown. I cannot see an upside to unnecessarily taking the blame. Simply tell her you understand her reason but that your needs have not changed so a slowdown is inappropriate.
What does taken advantage of mean exactly? It sounds like a euphemism for molestation or rape. She needs to get therapy to help her deal with those issues. Especially as your kids get older and start to get to the age she was its going to make her very upset. Posted via Mobile Device