WorkingOnMe

It all just seems like so much work to get such a simple thing. I want a wife who WANTS to be sexually open. I don't want to have to spend another 10 years making incremental strides.

My wife is so vanilla that she rolls her eyes and sighs (not in a good way) whenever I want something as simple as doggie.

People were talking about different terms for this....vanilla, prude etc... I think I'll call it "Little House on the Prairie" sex.

3leafclover

Oh, I haven't tried this one yet. I love new roleplays. I wonder where I can find a prairie dress and a bonnet.

I wonder how come there are so many cases in which sexual incompatibility isn't discovered until after marriage. I'm sure it's probably a mix of different factors. This is why I think lots of sex before marriage is a great idea for adults.

Suppressed

Ok, I know there are exceptions, and this is a very broad comment, but I wonder too, how much of this vanilla thing is down to how women are brought up. Girls tend to be brought up to be "nice". Be a "nice girl" you're told, don't sl*t around, you want to be the type they marry, not the other type... etc... I think this can morph, whether intentionally or not, into very conservative attitudes towards sex. Being a "nice girl" somehow becomes this weird thing of being a woman who sort of isn't allowed to enjoy sex too much. Nice girls have vanilla sex, it's the sl*ts that do the other stuff. A lifetime of being taught that can be hard to overcome, even when you suddenly find you're an adult in a committed relationship and your partner is telling you the other stuff is ok.

I would think too that if you're a woman who was raised that way, it would be very easy to become conflicted in the bedroom. The other part of this female indoctrination is being raised to be a pleaser, to please others and put yourself last (like the good Mom you're being prepared to be!). So what happens when pleasing your partner means not being that nice girl you were raised to be and having non-vanilla sex? Your brain and emotions go back and forth not knowing what to do until they have a little short circuit. By which time the man has retreated to the X-Box. Or the computer.

As far as I know - and guys, correct me if I'm wrong - boys aren't really indoctrinated into a similar sort of mindset as they're being raised into men. Which leaves your attitude towards sex somewhat more untouched, and probably healthier.

Cherie

Suppressed, i disagree. Its a good idea in theory, but I just think sexual preferences are what they are, not learned. Maybe at first with a new partner but not Like the OPs post. Sounds like she has almost gone backwards. I was raised to be a lady and I am, In public. Behind closed doors with a a spouse is another story. I suspect there are other reasons why she doesn't want to do even doggie style with him.

My mom would freak if she knew I liked anal sex or being tied up. These are not things I've always liked, but things I tried once bc I was open minded, and continue to.do bc my husband likes them and I like them enough to make him happy.

Suppressed

AHA! But you see, this is exactly what I'm talking about (and why I said it was a broad comment and that there would be exceptions).

It's great that you're open minded in the bedroom and you do these things to make your H happy. There are many others like you. I just think that there are also a lot of women who, for whatever reason, can never get past the "My mom would freak" / "I'm not supposed to do that" part.

(I must admit, I've gone a little off topic here and am just thinking aloud. I didn't have the OP in mind when I wrote my comment.)

Cherie

it fits, though.

sinnister

I dont understand women who wont indulge in foot play. I mean...if your lazy you dont even have to do much to get your man off except keep your feet nice...

With all of the crapidy crap crap causing my wife not to want to have sex...at the very least she keeps her feet nice and lets me have unlimited access to them.

Sounds like resentment. Make sure you're not completely focused on the feet and incorporate all of her in your lovemaking and you should be fine. If you already do that...I feel bad for you.

Cee Paul

That's a whole other 5 page thread on just this alone; but in short the girlfriend I spoke of was 15 years ago and she wasn't marrying material at the time and neither was I, and the ex had many many problems and some of which were covered by me already in the manic depressive/bi-polar thread(which explains a lot right there). And I married my wife because she is smart, pretty, a nice person, and has her sh*t together which is what I was looking for at that stage in my life.

Cee Paul

Lol, see there you go again Cherie with things that I have already tried and learned about 20 years ago like most people my age have(remember - 46 yrs old not 26). So what's next, how to get to 3rd base and how to properly use a condom when I get any further - lol/jk?

Catherine602

I love the prairie dress.

The post marital sexual incompatibility seems to be a problem with expectation. Our expectations of what a spouse should be seems, in many ways, to be unrealistic to me.

Some Women want a man who can make her life financially secure which is difficuot in this economy. Some women are unrealistic in tyeir expectations and not so nice when they are not forthcoming.

Some Men want a sexually uninhibited woman who has had few or no partners and who has the desire to please him sexuallly and exclusivly.

The sexual requirements for women are specific and are not neccessarily gear to her specific likes and dislikes. She has to sublimate her personal preferences to be a successful woman which means attractive to men.

The pressure to fit the mold of a woman worth being loved is difficult for some woman to sustain. They are able to do it for a while but maturity and self assurance may change what they want to do. Men don't react to these changes very well.

. I don't think most woman present the required persona in an attempt to deceive but to please.

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

michzz

I know somebody that tried to talk dirty with his wife and he was pretty specific in what he said he was going to do and with what.

She was so uptight that the "best" she could say is that she would touch "it" with a finger and rub it against her body.

He made the mistake of questioning her passion since that didn't seem to match up with what he was thinking they were talking about.

Seriously, touch "it" with a finger and rub it on her body seems pretty weak in response to the ravishing he said he was describing to her.

Total disconnect.

Catherine602

But why didn't he just go for it? That called a small step in the right direction. He would have been smart if he accepted that as a step and not an affront.

That is a problem - impatience, and the expectation of getting what you want without allowing the other person to take small steps.

What your friend did was to convince his partner that it was not safe for her to try anything with him because she may incurr his displeasure if she did not do exactly as he wanted.

I can't understand why people think that changes should take place all at once, no matter how large. The expectation that an inhibited woman will turn a dime is naive to me. Inthink he is a bad lover. If this man you speak of is unhappy with his sex life then he is at fault. He failed not his wife.

He failed to be patient, provide a safe and accepting environment for her to grow and make mistakes. In addition, he seems to thinks he is entitled to have what he wants when he wants it with very little effort.

I am certain he got a lot of sympathy from unenlightened men. Men who are less ready to be angry and who have realistic expectations are not so sympathetic.

I'll bet He has preconceived notions about woman so he assumed that her inhibition was an inherent immutable female characteristic. So he got to complain about her and feel superior about being more open than she sexually. I am sure that worked well for him.

If he viewed her as an individual, he would have realized he had to go slower and be patient and that would have had a positive effect on her.

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

michzz

If you knew him I don't think you would make the comments about him that you did.

They have had about 15 years together and if she's not comfortable with him, I can see how he'd have taken offense.

Her response was not of opening up, but of sidestepping erotic interplay.

She's a grown woman. She had to know that what she spoke of was pretty lame. Seemed an intentional thing to him.

Catherine602

He interprets her discomfort as intentional? How does he get to that conclusion? My interpretation is that it she is sexually repressed and she is not married to the right man. If she had a man with a positive confident flexible masculinity, she might be further along. Being married to a man who thinks that it is alright to trash talk his wife in front of his buddies is probably difficult for her. I don't think she should change for him. He betrays her by discussing such private things about her and he makes her look bad..

I would say that he is the one who has been married to her for 15yrs and he has not gotten to know her yet. Putting in time with the same partner does not majically make a repressed woman sexually confident. In fact, with a judgemental man who talks about their intimate problems with other men, might make her clam up even more. Knowing her every sexual move is foder for discussion by his friends would stun any woman into inaction.

She is a grown woman with the same inhibitions that have plagued her until this time. What is lame to him, is a big deal to her appearently. It should actually be a big deal for them both. If he were empathetic and less judgemental, he might have been able to help her overcome her inhibitions over 15 yrs. instead he talks about her and assigns blame.

There is nothing wrong with his wife. She is a good girl. Didn't he marry her because she suppressed her sexuality in her formative years? Then he got what he wanted, a woman who is skilled at supressing her enjoyment of sex. He can't have it both ways and he can't blame her for a choice he made freely. He was foolish to think that she should enjoy sex only when it benefited him.
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chillymorn

the horse you ride is tall hope you never fall off.