uzername

I hope that you do lose the weight, but definitely not for him - or any man! I hope that you get the body you want, become happier and regain your confidence - which you obviously had in the first place to be so comfortable naked sleeping! Shame on this man for humiliating you like this. If he was a decent human being he would never have done that. Even if he spouted off because he was mad about something else - he could have apologized, explained what was going on, and still discussed the issue of your weight with you (instead of AT you).
Plus, the solo vacation thing? Red flag.
I think you should do what you need to in order to get yourself out of this relationship and into a healthier (emotional) environment.
You are a proven fighter! Kudos to you

Suppressed

Wow. Thanks everybody for the outpouring of support! That's really lovely, and a bit unexpected.

Just want to answer a few things...

First off, I am losing the weight for myself and not for him. I've done it before and I'll do it again. I know what a confidence booster it is. It's a crucial part of me healing myself. I want to be the person I was again.

Thanks for weighing in (no pun intended). I was really hoping for a man's point of view here. You're absolutely right. I think we do need counselling. I have so much to say and work through, and I want to do it with an independent arbiter, otherwise he'll just shut me down. I think I can only make a comfortable and informed decision about staying or going if we've tried that.

Forgiveness, love and kindness is all I've really ever wanted from him, but it's always been in short supply. I've come to the conclusion that he needs to learn empathy, which is a) something a professional should probably decide and b) something only a professional can help him with. Missing that little piece of humanity and not being able to handle anger is something that spills over into all other areas of our relationship. Without empathy you can't show kindness or compassion, or even feel regret, which is an important ingredient in a sincere apology. Consequently, I've never really had one from him for anything.

No, I don't think so, but I intend to tell him. Soon too, now that I'm able to talk rationally about the situation instead of crying my eyes out. Second part, I don't know. This is a discussion I'd really like to have with a counsellor present.

Ok. I know how this looks. But it's not terribly unusual for us. His friends and family are in another state, and once a year he goes back to visit them, for the most part without me. Always has. Not that I've ever been happy about it, but he needs it and I tolerate it. I suggested a nice vacation elsewhere for this year, just the two of us (something I really need), and he refused, citing my weight. I'm pretty sure the real reason is a) he's always been selfish about this, and b) my suggestion involved flying somewhere. He's terrified of flying. He is unwilling to bend on either of these issues.

I'm also no longer prepared to content myself with whatever crumbs of his time he's prepared to throw me after he's had fun with his friends. I'd rather go off and have some quality time without him.

I know. I hear ya. But he is a master at this and the regularity with which he does this is now intolerable. I've made that excuse for him sooo many times over the years, it's time to stop. And they're not just flimsy words I can brush off. In this latest round he has called me a "fat fu#%*ng lummox" and "unfu#!%ble", amongst others. When I was having treatment, was bald, sick and at my lowest ebb ever in my life, he couldn't handle the way I looked then either. He told me that if I wanted physical affection it wasn't going to come from him and that I should "have an affair or see a male prostitute". Nice.

I don't think words like that are things that can be waved away with the excuse that they were said in anger. I think it's time he got that under control. As long as he says it was just in anger, he avoids taking responsibility for his words and actions. Time for that to stop.


Hmm. Writing all this makes me wonder why I do stay! I guess I really want to give it one good try with a counsellor, properly, before I decide to leave.

Darkflower

QFT. Unbelievable, I wish I could have hit the "like" button 500 times. You're a good person.

And so are you, OP! You deserve so much better than this, and you know better than many of us, as Unbelievable pointed out, how fragile and precious life is--too precious to be wasted on someone who doesn't deserve the heartache you feel over him.

I admire the fact that after all it sounds like he's done, you still have the magnanimity to want to help him dig to see what the hell his problem is, and possibly save your marriage. I'd have been long gone years ago.

unbelievable

"I don't think words like that are things that can be waved away with the excuse that they were said in anger. I think it's time he got that under control. As long as he says it was just in anger, he avoids taking responsibility for his words and actions. Time for that to stop."

I don't suggest you excuse his words or even forgive them. I just hope you don't let them eat at you and define how you see yourself. He's been a huge jerk and if you were my daughter, me and my axe handle would be giving him lessons in interpersonal communication skills and manners. The world is full of cruel jerks but they don't get to define who you are. His words say more about the condition of his own putrified soul than they do about your weight. You are entitled to peace and joy and even without his support you can have both.

Toffer

It's not the weight you need to lose. It's that as*hole husband of yours!

Browncoat

I think it's important that for no other reason than you will know you gave it your all, to do just that: give this marriage your all in trying to repair it.

If after going through counselling and trying your best it's over... well then sadly that may be.

If it's repaired then awesome!!

Either way you will know in your own heart that you didn't give up. That you aren't a quitter and that you fought for the man you at least once loved... I assume you still do.

Suppressed

Yeah. I do. I'm no victim, but yeah, I do. I have this belief that all our major problems come back to one major thing in him that is currently missing but can be repaired if we get help and if he does the work on himself, with my help.

There's only so much I can do. Eventually it will come down to something as simple as 'am I important enough to him for him to do this work?' And I either will be or won't be. Right now I feel I wouldn't be. We'll see.

donny64

I'm going to assume you've done nothing to create this anger, cruelty, and resentment in him and give the following advice....

LEAVE HIS SORRY AZZ!!!! DITCH HIM. DON'T LOOK BACK.

He's going to call you fat and verbally abuse and damage you over something you can't control, and damage your psyche just so he can have a "thin" wife he's physically attracted to? Are you kidding me? He's a piece of crap. Sorry, but I get so tired of hearing of guys (and gals) pulling this type of nonsense. Were the issue caused by you and you were complacent and refused to change, well then, maybe he'd have an argument for taking strong action. Not abusive action, but strong action. He's crossed huge lines and landed himself right into "d!ckville..... population: HIM".

Hon, so sorry. Find someone who appreciates you for you. He seems to clearly not be that person. I could not ever imagine saying such vile and disgusting things to someone I purported to love and who had such issues due to a HEALTH ISSUE.

Don't work yourself to death over a piece of crap. Do it for you, be satisfied (no matter the result) you did your best, and then find someone who appreciates you for you, and not just a place to park his penis.

dubbizle

Get on the internet and get a single ticket to where you want to go on vacation,set up a room and go.You ever hear of a movie called Shirley Valentine watch it then go out and live.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I agree with this.

I broke my neck 4 years ago. I use to run 36 miles a week. I now can barely walk and I'm lucky to have a handicap parking permit. I need a wheelchair when we go out. I'm only in my 30's and housebound.

I've put on a bit of weight. It was 30+ pounds at first. I've lost some due to cutting calories and I can bike on a stationary bike. Since biking, I can walk a little farther and complete a few more tasks without going into unbearable pain. I still have 2 herniated discs and permanent spinal cord damage. I also take medication, some side effects are weight gain.

My husband has never withheld sex ever. Gosh, I gained 100 pounds with 2 of his children. He still found me sexy. I lost that weight, but I was a runner then and it came off quickly.

My husband stands by my side and is serious with our vows. Even at our worst times. If weight was a problem, he'd tell me in a nice way.

I'm truly sorry your husband is putting you through this. There's got to be an underlying reason for this. It's extremely shallow of him to treat you this way.

lifesabeach

Ok I am a guy and here are my 2 cents.

Your H is an A$$!! To have gone through what you have and have to deal with this too!

My W has gained a lot of weight since we were married but you know what? I still think she is sexy. I still want her. I would never withhold sex no matter what she looked like because I love her.

You definitely need to tell him how hurt you are because of what he is doing. He needs to be supportive and caring not an A$$!!