Husband withholding sex
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-13-2012, 06:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband withholding sex

My husband has made it very clear to me that he no longer finds me attractive and refuses to have sex with me. We haven't had any kind of sexual contact since Christmas.

I take responsibility for some of this. The issue is my weight - I have gained a fair bit of weight in the time we've been together. This has in part been caused by medication I am on - I am a breast cancer survivor and now have to take a few hormonal medications, long term. Weight gain is a side effect of those meds. However, it's not all the fault of the drugs and I have taken to really watching what I eat and exercising every day. Serious exercise too, not just a walk around the block. Weight is coming off but very, very slowly (and that is the fault of the drugs).

He's now withholding sex until I lose a sufficient amount of weight. And withholding other stuff too. Like, apparently I'm too fat to go on vacation with this year, so that's not happening. He's going away by himself.

But, it's not really the what, but the how. What has upset me much more than this rejection of me (though that does sting quite a bit) is the way he's gone about it. Had he chosen to bring up the issue of my weight and its consequences with me with love, concern, respect, and in a way that would allow me to handle the problem with some dignity, I'd be in a much better place about it all. Instead though, he did it with anger, yelling, insults and vile name-calling, and the intention of causing massive hurt and humiliation. And boy, did he hit the target. My confidence and self-esteem is in shreds. I can no longer be naked around him and have taken to covering up in bed (I've always slept naked, Summer or Winter), not letting him see me in the shower, all that stuff.

All this has serious consequences for me. I know I can heal a great deal of this myself, but I fear my feelings towards him have been changed forever. When I am feeling better and more confident about my body, I can't right now imagine giving myself to him sexually again. He's been so horrible about it, I now don't feel that I can be vulnerable with him, especially vulnerable and naked. I also feel that when I get my mojo back, he doesn't deserve to have it handed to him on a platter ("Hope I'm skinny enough for you now!"). I'm not interested in getting revenge or playing games, I just feel right now that I can't be bothered casting any more pearls before swine. I'm worried this will snowball into being the end of my relationship.

Anyone else gone through this? How did you handle it?
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:34 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

Your weight isn't the problem here.
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

You know what sweetheart, LEAVE HIM!

You sound like you have been through so much, survived a great deal, you deserve love, respect and to be cherished and you are being emotionally and verbally abused in every way.

I have put on an awful lot of weight since I first got together with my Husband. Primarily since the death of my brother under quite nasty circumstances. I get told everytime I waiver in the confidence department to stop being so silly, I am loved for me, myself and I and not because of what i see in the mirror. I will be gorgeous to him no matter what, he will "help me lose weight if thats what i want but until im in the frame of mind to do so bring on the dinner!"

what you are experiencing is abuse. stop taking it now before you get to the point where your strength as a woman fails you.
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Old 05-13-2012, 07:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

Your wedding vows must have been different from mine. Mine didn't mention anything about "provided she stays within her assigned weight allowance". Does your husband have some written guarantee that his body or face isn't ever going to change? He could leave for work in the morning looking like Brad Pitt and end up looking like a smoldering, permanently disfigured freak of nature before he returns home. Placing values on people based on their looks is a dangerous game which could easily backfire.
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Old 05-13-2012, 07:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

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Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
Your wedding vows must have been different from mine. Mine didn't mention anything about "provided she stays within her assigned weight allowance". Does your husband have some written guarantee that his body or face isn't ever going to change? He could leave for work in the morning looking like Brad Pitt and end up looking like a smoldering, permanently disfigured freak of nature before he returns home. Placing values on people based on their looks is a dangerous game which could easily backfire.
here here! I dont think I have read anything on here yet that has made me quite as mad! You marry someone because you adore them in EVERY way, not just how they look!
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Old 05-13-2012, 07:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

Unfortunatly my mom is going thru the same thing. Lose the weight for you! Not for him. If he wants to go on vacation let him go... But you better go out with some of the girls and have fun. Dont let him control you anymore.
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Old 05-13-2012, 07:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

You've come through so much. You've been snatched from the jaws of death, so every day is like God's special present for you. Your husband is acting like a jerk. Try not to let that rain on your party. Working out to lose weight is ok, I guess, but how about just getting outdoors and having a little fun because you're alive and, by God, you can!? You are so much more than just a number on a set of scales! While you were on the meds, you probably felt like crap and weren't able to have much fun. You sort of owe it to yourself to celibrate a part of the world that you were missing. Every day is a gift of 24 hrs to each of us and the sun doesn't rise or set on any man or any woman. Don't worry about him or the future. Just make up your mind to live 100% every day, to get and give the most out of every hour. You are a beautiful daughter of God, created in His very own image. What's more special than that?
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Old 05-13-2012, 07:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

i just dont get it with some of these guys.
if he loves you, he should love YOU, regardless of putting on some weight.
i can understand wanting your wife to take care of herself and not look like a slob and be healthy but come on, if a guy only has that to complain about, hes doing pretty damn good.

i think i usually see it as an excuse for something else, usually him finding someone else. then they blame it on the wife because 'she is fat'.
bs

i would just love to have someone around to GET extra weight.

that kind of excuse is just cr@p.

plus on top of it he is being verbally abusive to you.

tell him to get the fvck out and get his skinny chick on, you dont need any of that.
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Old 05-13-2012, 09:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

The biggest issue you both have now is resentment.

He resents your weight, and possibly other things not mentioned.

You resent his angry attitude towards you, and his belittling you.

You both have reasons for your resentment, the question is what are both of you going to do about it?

If there is still some love left between you two and some willingness from both of you to try and save the marriage it can happen. Forgiveness, love, communication, and time do wonders to heal even large wounds.

If both of you are interested in saving the marriage you are going to have to set boundaries (no tolerance for yelling/belittling you for example) and stick to them. The other part is you are both going to need some counselling. No two ways about it, there are some huge issues to work through for both of you.

You could also divorce like some have suggested, but let's be honest that isn't an easy road either.

In the end it's between you and your husband to decide all we can do is toss out some advice and suggestions.
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Old 05-13-2012, 09:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

I love when the guys speak up like this! Hon, I have struggled with my weight nearly ALL my life. When I got married 12 years ago, I was roughly 325 pounds. I am only 5'3". By the time I had my oldest child, i was 408. I dropped down to 350 within 4 months. But then, the weight crept back. I can't believe my husband was even attracted to me at my top weight of 467 pounds! I had gastric bypass and got down to 250, but after having two more kids, and slacking off on my eating habits and everything, I started gaining again. I'd say I am around 330 now. But guess what? My husband wanted me ALL that time...I'll admit, he likes women with meat on their bones, but it's more than that. He loves ME, thick or thin, blonde or brunette, etc. It's the INSIDE that he loves. The outside is just the packaging. If your husband can't accept you for you, then HE needs to be given the ultimatum, not you. And lose the weight for yourself, not for him. BTW, congratulations on surviving breast cancer! I applaud you! *hugs*
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Old 05-13-2012, 09:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I love when the guys speak up like this! Hon, I have struggled with my weight nearly ALL my life.
That's a beautiful story Maricha, thanks for sharing!
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Old 05-13-2012, 09:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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But, it's not really the what, but the how. What has upset me much more than this rejection of me (though that does sting quite a bit) is the way he's gone about it. Had he chosen to bring up the issue of my weight and its consequences with me with love, concern, respect, and in a way that would allow me to handle the problem with some dignity, I'd be in a much better place about it all. Instead though, he did it with anger, yelling, insults and vile name-calling, and the intention of causing massive hurt and humiliation. And boy, did he hit the target. My confidence and self-esteem is in shreds. I can no longer be naked around him and have taken to covering up in bed (I've always slept naked, Summer or Winter), not letting him see me in the shower, all that stuff.
I could have cried for you when i read this...

Does he know what his words have done to you?
Does he care?
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Old 05-13-2012, 10:09 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

My mom is an emotional eater. She ate her feelings. She's tall but she was still quite heavy. I got to sit back and watch my dad belittle my mom day in and day out about her weight. He called her vile names and was ugly. It affected me so badly that I developed an eating problem and had a bad body image. It's better but I still feel I'm never thin enough and my mood is dictated many times by the number on the scale.

And I can say with 100% honestly it wasn't my mom's weight that was the core problem in their marriage. It was that he is an ass.

We're estranged now but last I heard I think he's now locked up in a psych ward. He's 71.

Karma's a *****. LOL
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Old 05-13-2012, 10:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Like, apparently I'm too fat to go on vacation with this year, so that's not happening. He's going away by himself.
I dont want to be rude or come off harsh but In my past experince this means he mite be looking for an excuse to get a divorce. I had someone do this to me and I found out he went and cheated on me and we broke up 3 months after that and I found out he had a baby with another women.

You are a strong person and you need to leave him, or atleast tell him how you feel and then let him decide if he wants to stay. If he doesnt, you will be better off without him.
Good Luck and I hope you make the right decision for you.
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Old 05-13-2012, 10:46 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband withholding sex

Suppressed, I know his words were cruel, mean, and hurtful. They were said in anger and probably had little to do with what he was really feeling. When we're angry, it's easy to use words like weapons, just for their hurtful effect.
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