Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Not that you were suggesting this Runs like Dog, but I thought I'd cover it here anyway.
My wife is definitely not gay. I've asked her (again kindly, just curious) if she thought she might be gay... if that could be the problem. She's assured me up and down she doesn't find woman attractive and has no desire to be with one.
I've asked her that question around a half dozen times over to the years. Each time with basically the same firm answer of no.
If she was lesbian, while that would be very hard to deal with for me... at least it would explain things. Just not the case for us.
I have a completely different take on this now. My best friend claimed to be anti sex and what she really meant was she didn't have chemistry with her husband. After leaving him (married 10 years) she's found a boy toy and is now having a sexual awakening.
Sexual chemistry is either there or it isn't. You can't manufacture it. And arousal is NOT the same as sexual chemistry.
I have thought about that too. But then what do you do about it? Is Divorce really the only option?? Or me going near celibate but that isn't happening.
I have thought about that too. But then what do you do about it? Is Divorce really the only option?? Or me going near celibate but that isn't happening.
Oh I have no idea I'm just giving my insights. I've been friends with my "I hate sex" friend for 4 years. She used to come to bed with her husband fully covered from head to toe to deter him. Now she's giving the boy toy bj's to completion, having mind blowing orgasms, walks around half naked and banging him in all kinds of naughty places.
I have a completely different take on this now. My best friend claimed to be anti sex and what she really meant was she didn't have chemistry with her husband. After leaving him (married 10 years) she's found a boy toy and is now having a sexual awakening.
Sexual chemistry is either there or it isn't. You can't manufacture it. And arousal is NOT the same as sexual chemistry.
Yeah you're 100% right about arousal not being the same as sexual chemistry. Arousal is almost a physiological response to stimulus... sexual chemistry as you call it is from the heart and mind.
I've asked my wife if she ever thought about being with different men, and she would answer me honestly. We have that kind of relationship.
She has assured me she wouldn't be interested... but it's one of those things to be 100% frank that neither of us would know until it happened. By then... well the marriage would be over.
I'm a patient and loving man, but if after 15 years she willingly had sex with another man (while having sex with me has been always been such an issue)... I'm not sure if I have it in me to even attempt to R. I doubt she would ever do it though... so it's more of a hypothetical (one I've considered long before this thread).
She has assured me she wouldn't be interested... but it's one of those things to be 100% frank that neither of us would know until it happened. By then... well the marriage would be over.
My friend planned on divorcing her husband and staying single for the rest of her life. Still claiming to hate sex.
And then she met the boy toy and that all went out the window. She's still divorcing her husband (he won't let her go but that's a whole other story). And no hubby doesn't know about the boy toy.
What you and your wife have is more of a companionship type love not a sexual one. I applaud your efforts to figure this out before you decide how to proceed. I almost walked out on my husband of 19 years for lack of intimacy and desire. We were having regular sex by then but there was something lacking I could feel it and I didn't like it. I wanted more, was unhappy and was tired of settling.
Loves,
That is exactly right. This is about the desire to please your partner. And of course that is a two way street in and out of bed. As for the "any warm hole" that really stings. I can understand why you say that though I wonder if perhaps you realize how strained this can be for the HD partner with a gate keeping partner who is completely comfortable saying "no" repeatedly - often in the hope their HD partner will give up.
Alternatively an HD partner in a strong position in the marriage can create (often without realizing It) a lot of stress for their LD partner. I have a lot of restraint, and my W is very giving, even so this is a careful dance we do. Last weekend she was very turned on and we had 3 days in a row of intense connection. This weekend she was kind of off, so after Friday night I made it all about her.
On Saturday night she asked me why I was declining her offer to connect. I replied "just because you can have somethng doesn't mean you should".
Last night more of the same. I love that she is willing, even more that she is not trying to deceive me with a mask of artificial desire. And last night my love and respect for her honesty collided head on with my resentment that she doesn't feel more lust/raw desire. It was mothers day - not the time for a conversation about me. So we had a great day that was all about her. I took care of myself and reassured her that "we" are fine. And Friday when I see her again, we will likely have a night that's all about me.
UOTE=lovesherman;745188]Brown:
I do think it is important that you figure out if your wife is asexual, because that will help you formulate a strategy for dealing with the problem. You both love each other, so suggesting that you look outside your marriage for sexual satisfaction is not the way to address the issue. You want to make love to your wife, not to any warm hole for sexual satisfaction.
From the way that you have described your wife, I am sure that she wants to solve this problem in a loving manner. Even if she does not feel desire, she will still want to meet your needs. If you can address the pain issue, she will be free to consider how to become aroused.
It may take romance novels or movies to pique her desire. It may take her thinking about how much she loves you and your children. Even if she never feels desire, she can enjoy giving you pleasure. I encourage you to look for solutions together.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
Brown:
I do think it is important that you figure out if your wife is asexual, because that will help you formulate a strategy for dealing with the problem. You both love each other, so suggesting that you look outside your marriage for sexual satisfaction is not the way to address the issue. You want to make love to your wife, not to any warm hole for sexual satisfaction.
From the way that you have described your wife, I am sure that she wants to solve this problem in a loving manner. Even if she does not feel desire, she will still want to meet your needs. If you can address the pain issue, she will be free to consider how to become aroused.
It may take romance novels or movies to pique her desire. It may take her thinking about how much she loves you and your children. Even if she never feels desire, she can enjoy giving you pleasure. I encourage you to look for solutions together.
I didn't reply to this before, just wanted to say that I agree that finding out for sure if she's asexual one way or another is important to us both. Just like you said it will help us figure out how we will go from here.
Divorce isn't an option I want to consider at all. For those of you suggesting it, here's my reason why (besides religious reasons).
Yesterday (Mother's Day) we were having this big meal and I just couldn't help notice yet again just how happy the children and my wife are. I noticed this all the time of course, but I especially notice it when we are all together doing something: church every Sunday, family night on Fridays, dinner every night, etc.
Part of me hurts all the more because I know I'm the only one who is unhappy with life as it is. Yet I know if I act selfishly and step outside the marriage or divorce her all I'll be left with is 6 very unhappy people instead of 1 unhappy person. There's no guarantee in life that I'd ever find someone else new... love between two people doesn't grow on trees. Meanwhile I'll have damaged everything. The whole idea just seems so terribly selfish and damaging.
IDK that's just how I see it.
I should also mention that outside the bedroom, my wife and I really love and enjoy each other so much.
Someone mentioned too that this isn't real love w/o the sexual desire... to an extent I know exactly what you mean. In some ways we are like the best of friends, who live together, raise a family, and sleep together sometimes. Still there's more there than that. It's in how she looks at me, how patient and loving she is with me through the hard times (and the good). There's something to be said for all that... something extremely loving about our relationship despite the lack of mutual passion and desire.
My friend planned on divorcing her husband and staying single for the rest of her life. Still claiming to hate sex.
And then she met the boy toy and that all went out the window. She's still divorcing her husband (he won't let her go but that's a whole other story). And no hubby doesn't know about the boy toy.
What you and your wife have is more of a companionship type love not a sexual one. I applaud your efforts to figure this out before you decide how to proceed. I almost walked out on my husband of 19 years for lack of intimacy and desire. We were having regular sex by then but there was something lacking I could feel it and I didn't like it. I wanted more, was unhappy and was tired of settling.
What a sad story. I feel so terribly for the husband, especially if he ever finds out.
Loves,
That is exactly right. This is about the desire to please your partner. And of course that is a two way street in and out of bed. As for the "any warm hole" that really stings. I can understand why you say that though I wonder if perhaps you realize how strained this can be for the HD partner with a gate keeping partner who is completely comfortable saying "no" repeatedly - often in the hope their HD partner will give up.
Mem you are right. It is very painful, and it's something I have to deal with everyday (and it hurts all over again and again).
It gets better at times when the sex is better and more frequent, but like you described later that lasts a few days and just as quickly is gone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
Alternatively an HD partner in a strong position in the marriage can create (often without realizing It) a lot of stress for their LD partner.
This too is very true. That's something I've had to work on with my wife a lot over the past couple of months. It's changed things for the better between us. The changes are just little things we've now incorporated into our lives, so it doesn't even feel like it takes conscience effort anymore.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
I have a lot of restraint, and my W is very giving, even so this is a careful dance we do.
It's the same for us, but there are times when I find my resolve to restrain weakening. Exercise has helped a lot though. I've also cut off all porn, not that I was ever viewing it much anyway. Not sure if the lack of porn helps but who knows with all the things we are trying now. I don't miss the porn at all, so there's that.
Brown,
That commitment is a beautiful thing. I have no idea what your day to day is like. What comes across is much more than a "differing drives" issue. The level of unhappiness you express is typically what I associate with a partner who doesn't feel their spouse puts them first, and that includes a mindset of "if this is important to you it's important to me".
It also seems that your sexual physiology (very long endurance) would be hard on a partner with a much lower drive.
Compounding that is you didn't assert yourself for over a decade. The pent up resentment while understandable puts you in a bad place. For example, if I was home full time I would never consider suggesting a 7 day sex challenge to my wife. It would highlight our current large desire imbalance in a way that would make her feel like a bad wife. Alternatively I fully expect her to continue to be kind and make an effort because that shows she still has the desire to flip that "it's all about you" switch.
If you can find a compromise you both feel good about - whatever that is - you will not have to feel you are carrying 6 people.
UOTE=Browncoat;745497]I didn't reply to this before, just wanted to say that I agree that finding out for sure if she's asexual one way or another is important to us both. Just like you said it will help us figure out how we will go from here.
Divorce isn't an option I want to consider at all. For those of you suggesting it, here's my reason why (besides religious reasons).
Yesterday (Mother's Day) we were having this big meal and I just couldn't help notice yet again just how happy the children and my wife are. I noticed this all the time of course, but I especially notice it when we are all together doing something: church every Sunday, family night on Fridays, dinner every night, etc.
Part of me hurts all the more because I know I'm the only one who is unhappy with life as it is. Yet I know if I act selfishly and step outside the marriage or divorce her all I'll be left with is 6 very unhappy people instead of 1 unhappy person. There's no guarantee in life that I'd ever find someone else new... love between two people doesn't grow on trees. Meanwhile I'll have damaged everything. The whole idea just seems so terribly selfish and damaging.
IDK that's just how I see it.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Asexuality 
