frustr8dhubby

I think you might be mixing Browncoat and myself up. My wife was the one that suggested the 7 Days of Sex challenge and it was her idea not mine. BTW, it still hasn't happened (what a surprise...)

Though maybe I am wrong.

livnlearn

Your situation really makes me hurt for you browncoat. You're a good man. I wish I had a solution for you.

Browncoat

MEM to be honest, I feel that sexually we are about as far apart as you can get.

very HD vs very LD
long duration before climax vs short duration
very passionate + strong desire vs .... not much at all.
enjoys sex just for sex vs ... just wanting to make me happy and get off because it's nice to get off

It's all a source of frustration to be certain... really more than that. It's a daily struggle for me. Whenever my drive kicks in, and it tends to kick in multiple times a day... it's just a daily reminder of how disappointed I am with our sex life. Still I remind myself that I love her and my children... and then I try my best to channel myself into something else.

There are days and weeks when I feel things are going just fine. That the compromises we've made are livable, and then at times it just doesn't feel like nearly enough it hurts all over.

I definitely blame myself for taking as long as we did to try and resolve this issue. For the first 12 years or so, it didn't really bother me that much... which made it easier to just sweep this issue under the rug and enjoy the rest of our marriage. Unfortunately something switched and now I feel like my Pandora's box of martial sexual regrets has been opened, and now it can't be closed. Even still it's taken us 3 years further to get to where we are, and a good bit of that is also my wife dragging her feet a lot. Though over the past few months she's been a lot better in that regard.

Despite all that I'm not angry or bitter with her, just really frustrated, angry and depressed about the situation. The emotions are very strong at times. Most days are fine, but others hit me very hard indeed. There's not a week that goes by where I don't hurt so badly that in private I break down and weep... and throughout my life I'm not one to cry about my own woes at ALL. It doesn't help that I'm unhappy about a lot of other things in my life as well that aren't related to my sex life in the slightest.

Not sure how religious you are, feel free to ignore this last paragraph if you aren't (because I'm not trying to turn this into a religious thread at all). I often times (many times a week) feel like I'm living out a Psalm sometimes (Oh God why is this happening?!?) or wrestling with God like Jacob over the issue. It's hard because I feel like I did things right by not sleeping with my wife before marrying her... and I've ended up in this trial (which we would have found out if we had tried to have sex just once prior to marriage). At times I honestly fear it will have no end, other times I feel hope for the future.

It's just a difficult situation all the way around.

Mavash.

Don't feel bad. He's had other women. He cheated first. She separated from him before she met this other guy so I'm not even sure you can say what she did was cheating. She's been trying desperately to divorce her husband but he won't sign and it's been a year. She's even gone so far as to make other living arrangements and is just waiting on the green light to go (kids are involved).

They have mediation today and if that doesn't work they go to court on July 19th.

Browncoat

Wow, that's a story that seems to keep getting worse every step of the way.

Mavash.

I'm a Christian (wasn't one until I was already married so no I didn't wait) but now I think this waiting stuff is crazy. How do you know in this day in age if you're compatible if you wait? And most women who wait are so sexually repressed that they never seem to get over it. Not all I know so don't any christians blast me. I've know more repressed Christian women than I have open ones. Look it up - that is a fact.

And it's a difficult decision only because you've allowed it to become one. You've chosen to settle. You've got the big house, the happy family, and the pretty picture. You've decided your wife and kids happiness come before yours. I disagree with that but hey to each his own.

I once felt like you but I don't anymore. I believe I deserve to be happy just like everyone else. And if 6 people have to be unhappy so be it. On this I disagree with you too. Your kids would get over it. Your wife would move on. People get divorced everyday. It happens. Yes they'd be unhappy but it would pass. It always passes.

DTO

1) Guilt / inferiority regarding your needs (why are your needs inferior to your wife's and your children's).

2) Fear of the unknown (My kids and wife will suffer, I won't be this happy elsewhere?). Why not think that you can thrive regardless, that you might get the kids, and that your wife would not thrive (or in fact be happier in a situation where there was not an undercurrent of negative sexual tension?

3) Scarcity mindset. Why suppose you won't be this happy again? Why not believe that someone wanting you can be found? One thing that I've learned in my relatively short single life is that men willing to share and treasure someone else in their lives are much in demand.

I'm not telling you to act one way or another. But, I would caution that there is a big difference between staying where you are because it legitimately serves your best interests and staying put because you are afraid of moving forward.

DTO

The problem is that there are two sides to this sexuality and purity coin. One of these is fairly popular and widely quoted - the other not nearly so.

Yes, Scripture says that we are to not have sex until marriage. And, there are some reasons for this. You don't risk having kids out of wedlock in a generally less-stable relationship. You don't risk letting sexual pleasure judge your assessment of this other person (assuming you are seeking a relationship and not just playing around). There are others as well.

But, Scripture also teaches that (1) a satisfying sex life is owed to your spouse, and (2) nothing is explicitly prohibited between a husband and wife. Basically, sex is acknowledged as a need and marriage is forsaking all others and lifelong then you better be sure your partner is getting what they need.

The problem is that people twist or ignore second part of this issue. They don't get that marrying a person is committing to their sexual need and the refusal / reluctance attitude does not hold water. Thus, people spout off with "well you waited two years while courting me before marriage, why don't you just do the same now", "sex is unimportant", "sexual satisfaction is not a literal requirement", etc.

Browncoat

DTO you ask some valid questions, ones I've thought about myself. I'll give what I feel are honest answers, even if some are rather harsh.

I do want others reading to know this is how I feel about me and my situation... others are free to do what they want I wouldn't dream of judging them for choosing divorce.

It's simple math, 1 person vs 6 (I'd still be miserable).

I think my misery would be far far worse because I know I'd be breaking their hearts (in addition to getting even less sex than I do now). I know I would regret and hate myself for every ounce of pain I caused because I put my needs before theirs. So where is the joy in living in sorrow over and over again watching the 5 others I love most in this world hurt again and again?

There's no peace or joy in that only a greater sorrow.

Let's face it, if we divorced because I put myself first... then all the heartache and misery that follows... EVERY LAST drop of that is on me and me alone. I would be the one that decided to rip apart their lives for my hope of future pleasure.

I know because while I thrive on paper, I still live with the aftermath of my parents divorce 35+ years ago. My entire childhood was absolutely torturous as a direct result of my parent's divorce.

I should mention that my parent's divorce was so extreme it was featured on a national TV show.

I understand that my children's experience may not be as bad as mine was but why would I ever risk putting them all through that kind of personal hell?

My wife would live with the fact that she had let me down and I left her because she "didn't measure up". That would emotionally crush her (bear in mind I still love her, so that hurt would be my hurt). She would likely never marry again (we've discussed it), and she live with the regrets the rest of her life. I would have to live with that, knowing yet again it was me... I made a decision to break her heart. I did because I put myself first. Just incredibly selfish... inexcusably so.

She would likely move back to California to be with her family, and the children would face routine cross country trips taking them away from friends and family every time they flew across. Filling them with resentment and diminished ability to have a social life.

Not to mention all the custody battles that I'm sure would ensue.

Yeah really doesn't sound like a winner situation to me. Divorce is extremely ugly in reality. I think far too many people treat divorce far too lightly on this forum to be honest.

Especially when there are children involved, because then the pain is there for the next X years until the kids grow up... then you still have issues of if/when kids will visit you at all vs the other parent. Every time children are exchanged between homes it's pain for everyone. Every time different parents make different decisions about their children fighting and more pain. Every time a parent has to miss out on a big moment in their child's life yet more pain. I could go on and on here. It's an agony that just goes on and on throughout the rest of their lives.

I could theoretically end up happy... it is possible sure. Still at what cost to my children and wife? Would the new happiness found exceed the pain I felt every day knowing what I did to my children?

I don't think it's outside the realm of reality that one or more of my children may reject me outright for being so selfish. I'd have to live with that as well. Knowing I'd be forever cut off from the child(ren) I love.

In the end this is what I believe I'd be saying/doing for divorcing my wife: I'm saying my sexual needs are so important that they are worth the risk of destroying all our lives for the hope that maybe I might someday find some level of happiness.

There is no excuse for that type of thinking.

lovesherman

Brown:
Your love for your wife and your children shines through your posts, and I believe that you will find a solution to this problem. Keep letting your wife know how important this is to you.

How are the sex therapy sessions going? If she is willing to do this with you, she must understand that a good sex life is the way that you feel loved.

Browncoat

Thanks Loves. ST is going well overall (it takes time). I'm going to have my next appointment tomorrow (IC), and I'll catch people up on the new developments then.

One of the big things our ST has been working with my wife on is the issue of being sexy, feeling sexy and knowing what she finds sexy.

Unfortunately out of that we are finding that she really finds nothing sexy. It's not just me... she doesn't find any men or women sexy. She doesn't find movies with racy scenes sexy, nor any form of advertising. Nothing a man wears, or doesn't wear, is sexy.

Attractive yes (kind of like how one appreciates art), sexy no. That is one of the reasons that I got led onto the idea that she might be asexual. This is one of the attributes (and she matches an awful lot of the other attributes) mentioned on the FAQ up on the website I liked at the start of this thread.

She struggles with finding herself sexy as well. She doesn't have body image issues... just doesn't consider herself or anything she wears really make her feel sexy or think of herself as being sexy (she does feel attractive). Even though to me she is very sexy.... so go figure.

This past few weeks has been harder to gain ground though. Her mother was in town (just left today). She's a wonderfully nice lady, but she is anything but a sexy woman (never has been). Nor her mother before her. Her mother wouldn't know sexy if it bit her bum off.

So my wife admitted it's going to be hard to really focus on feeling/being sexy while she was in town.

MEM11363

Brown,
What helps me is that my W always has made this a priority. If your wife really is making a consistent good faith effort, that represents genuine love and commitment and hopefully will help you remain sane. I imagine this is difficult for her also especially as it is a shock to your system when someone says "this must change" after 12 years.



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Browncoat

It's difficult for her in that she can tell I'm hurting from it. Unfortunately for me if we dropped down to having sex a handful of times a year and never heard from me again on this topic... she'd be 100% content.

Still she is trying to work on things and for that I'm grateful.

Mavash.

This is an excuse.

Browncoat

It is, but it's over now. She only comes out from California once every year or two.