Mavash.

I heard all the excuses from my supposed LD husband. They get old. Although some were so rediculous that I had to fight to keep from laughing outloud.

Browncoat

Perhaps I'm too much of a nice guy when it comes to excuses... I'll have to think about that and see if I see a pattern there.

Mavash.

I'm waaaaayyy too nice and my therapist agrees. I started noticing and calling my husband on his excuses about this time last year. At first I bought his excuses but then I began to see his pattern of avoidance.

I don't call him on all of them - I'm more methodical now. The ED one ended up being BS but he really believed it so I let it slide. His confidence was at play so that one needed a more gentle approach. KWIM?

Awareness is key. My goal with my husband was to gently get him to quit avoiding, quit making excuses and work WITH me on our problems.

Browncoat

I'll try and make a point to talk to the ST tomorrow about this as well. See what she thinks. Or at least plant the idea of working towards a diagnosis.

At this point I just need to know. I'm just so tired...

MEM11363

Brown,
The goal here is to achieve the "best possible" outcome. That is the goal. As to what that is - lets shift your focus a bit.

Your W cannot change her CORE personality. She can't. And that is ok - because you love much of who she is and the parts you LOVE won't change either.

Just as you cannot "remake yourself" into a non-sexual person - she cannot "remake herself" into a sexual person. So stay away from inflammatory labels like asexual and/or (for you) hyper-sexual. And instead focus on WHAT you want her to DO, and not HOW you want her to FEEL. She can't directly control that sexual feeling stuff. Anymore than you can. And you are going to cause her distress to no good end by trying to get her to FEEL something she can't/doesn't.

What you can do, is agree to rules of engagement. Just as you won't be dismissive of her lack of sexuality she will not act in a manner that shows a lack of concern for your strong sexuality.

And here my friend is where the science ends and the art begins. When her efforts are sincere and consistent, you are going to have to convey acceptance and appreciation, EVEN when you strongly desire to tell her that you are frustrated she isn't more turned on. Because - when she is walking the walk, you are grinding the emotional gears if you tell her that "doing" isn't enough. Because at that point you are - without meaning to - rejecting a core aspect of who she is. And that will be demoralizing to her.

You need to reach some mutual compromise on frequency and on how she handles nights where she really doesn't want to. She needs to grasp that a direct "rejection" - in the form of "not tonight" is hurtful. And now that she knows how hurtful it is - it is more than hurtful, it is at minimum selfish and possibly mean. The accommodation on frequency is key. A simple understanding is:
- We are agreeing to have sex X times a month
- If she KNOWS she wants a particular night off, she can and should give you a light cue. My W might say "is there any chance we could maybe spoon/watch tv tonight"? That means "we aren't having sex tonight". That is what it means. It doesn't hurt me. It doesn't make me angry or feel unloved. It is a request for a non-sex night. It prevents a pointless initiate/defer cycle.
- If she doesn't really know until you ask - and that is ok too - she can ask "Is it ok if we connect tomorrow"? BUT this is where love, commitment and respect show themselves to be true and sincere - or not. Tomorrow is now a commitment. And there is no game playing - hoping that some "blocking event" will arise as an excuse. SHE manages her priorities tomorrow so you DO connect.
- And she should agree to initiate some amount. And this is important - initiating does not mean she has to physically start the activities. For my W - if it is after dinner and she gives me a smile with a tilt to her head it means "do you want to play". And for her that is initiating. Fine by me. A wife who won't do that - needs to work on herself. Especially when the odds of rejection equate to those of winning the powerball.

As for the sexual experience itself. Whatever you can do to try to shorten the marathon man intercourse routine will help both of you. And that might include seeing if you can find a technique that doesn't get her to the rapture so quickly so often. I read your post about how she "relaxes" after getting there a few times and the lack of tightness causes you to last even longer.

For me - a long - sexualized massage (first giving and then receiving) gets me very wound up. Like you I can last a bit. Actually no freakin way close to you - like for me 15 minutes is a record and 10 minutes is a decent duration. But since pain is an issue - 10 minutes is WAY TOO long for us. Well - it will be if we ever have intercourse again....

If your W is good about hand/oral to make it so you don't hurt her - be grateful. That is love and commitment.

End of long rant.

Brown, You are a good guy in a very difficult spot, acting with grace and integrity. Hemingway would have loved you.

Browncoat

This is part of what I'm most concerned about, that she may be giving her all and it's not enough for me.

You mentioned hand/oral, she's never ever brought me to climax this way. She's read through the threads here on oral sex, and she's incorporated many of those techniques it's just at the end the whole thing comes across as mechanical not sexy. I often times loose an erection when she tries to do either of those things. I talk to her about what I'd like to see changed, but again everything is just so mechanical with her. I don't know how to address that, and personally I fear that it IS because she's just purely asexual.

The vast majority of the time we do have intercourse I have to finish myself off, and that often times takes an additional 5-15 minutes. It just feels like vaginally enhanced masturbation.

I know I'm talking out of frustration here, but I'm afraid there are some other changes going on within me now. I'm fearful that part of me is just shutting down with her. This has never happened.

For the first time ever, last night I actually lost an erection during sex. I know people say that it happens, but I'm very concerned... because it's coupled with me just loosing interest in her (another first).

Over the past few weeks it's actually taking me a while to achieve an erection during foreplay (also a first).

Additionally over the past few weeks I've just lost interest in masturbating alone... just sick of it, because it represents more failure in our sex life.

I fear I'm loosing interest in her sexually and not sure how to get it back. As of just a few weeks ago I couldn't touch her enough. Now I'm getting to the point where I just don't even feel like hugging, even when she initiates a hug. I've never been that way across all 15 years of our marriage... not once.

I know all of this is unrelated to determining if she is asexual or not... or if I should even try and get a diagnosis. Frankly though I fear that I'm just somehow withdrawing from her. This really concerns me. Part of me just feels some urgency to get answers.

Last night my wife and I were talking, and we realized that when we said that she had a drive 4-6x/year... it wasn't really a drive. It was more like she was open to sex that often... that she was more easily aroused. I fear that she actually has zero sex drive. What's more, is that the 4-6x was related to her 2-3 ovulations, which are soon to be a thing of the past. Those times were better and more exciting for us both, but they are just about gone now.

I want to continue to be patient, and frankly I have no choice... but it's becoming increasingly difficult as of late.

I still have a sex drive... I just feel my motivation to do anything about it weakening... because it just all feels like yet another admission that my sex life is a huge disappointment. I'll go over all this with my ST today when we meet.

frustr8dhubby

Man Browncoat I feel your pain. I have been fighting these types of feelings for about the last year now. I go through periods where I don't even care anymore which I have NEVER had. They were short at first but they are getting longer and longer in between.

At least in your case your wife seems more willing to work WITH you. I don't think I will get mine to MC/ST until I walk out the door.

Browncoat

I actually have been a lot more active than ever before the past several months.

I work out in the gym for about an hour on average each morning (except Sunday). I take walks at night (those take another 20-45 minutes depending on how far I go and how fast), sometimes alone sometimes with kids (and always with the dog).

Afraid to say that right now the only things I find joy in these days is exercise and my kids... not that I've lost love for me wife. I just don't light up like I used to when she walks into the room. It used to be electric, now it's just so cold and flat in my heart towards her.

It feels like in the past week or two a switch just got flipped and I don't know how to turn it back on.

Browncoat

Well I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in how I've started to feel.

Just out of curiosity do you have a friend or family member you can talk things over with? Even if just by phone.

I was also curious why you're resistant to see a therapist?

frustr8dhubby

No, unfortunately not really.

I am not opposed to therapy at all, she is.

Browncoat

Thanks Dean. That's probably just what I needed to hear. We just had lunch together and I asked that she work on being more sexy around the house. Dressing better and even wearing makeup a bit (she normally never wears any). So we'll see what comes of that. Thanks again.

Yes she does know about it... she can see it plain as day the difference in my attitude. It's not that I'm mean, angry or even frustrated... I'm just distant.

Normally when I come to bed (if she's awake) I'm caressing her giving her a hug/kiss or two. It's something she really enjoys as well, and she knows it's not always a prelude to sex... it's just how I am with her. Last night for example I just laid down and curl up with my back to her (normally I sleep on my stomach). I did that w/o even thinking about it... just did it. She came over to my side of the bed and caressed me and we ended up talking for an hour or so.

The past couple of weeks I've hardly seen her much at all now that I think about it. She's been busy visiting with her mother who was in town for three weeks (I tend to avoid her mother because she is a sweet lady... but she REALLY gets on my nerves as well). On top of that she was busy with our youngest's dance performance (both ballet and tap since the same dance school put on their annual show this past weekend). My wife was very busy helping put on that show, with her going out every night for the past week.

Now that I think about it, it could be that her distance just caused me to shutdown and disconnect from her. Sad in a way that it would change that radically from just those past few weeks of altered in house dynamics.

Browncoat

Perhaps you should see one just by yourself? Many here swear by IC... and I know I'm kind of grateful that today I'll just be meeting with our ST alone.

frustr8dhubby

Been there done that but I may go back. Time/money will tell.

Mavash.

I know this feeling well and it applies to many things not just this. It's called waking up and it's painful. Your body is screaming at you to consider it's wants and needs. I fear if you don't act on it bad things will happen. Either a health issue or something else. You've been unhappy for so long and denying that isn't working so well now is it?

My heart goes out to you because it truly sucks to be in this place. And even if you choose to change (I have) that's painful too. The change at least comes with peace. Staying stuck does not.

Oh and btw you can't "turn it back on". Trust me I tried and failed miserably.

Browncoat

Sad and difficult to hear, but thanks for sharing. I mean that.