The goal here is to achieve the "best possible" outcome. That is the goal. As to what that is - lets shift your focus a bit.
Your W cannot change her CORE personality. She can't. And that is ok - because you love much of who she is and the parts you LOVE won't change either.
Just as you cannot "remake yourself" into a non-sexual person - she cannot "remake herself" into a sexual person. So stay away from inflammatory labels like asexual and/or (for you) hyper-sexual. And instead focus on WHAT you want her to DO, and not HOW you want her to FEEL. She can't directly control that sexual feeling stuff. Anymore than you can. And you are going to cause her distress to no good end by trying to get her to FEEL something she can't/doesn't.
What you can do, is agree to rules of engagement. Just as you won't be dismissive of her lack of sexuality she will not act in a manner that shows a lack of concern for your strong sexuality.
And here my friend is where the science ends and the art begins. When her efforts are sincere and consistent, you are going to have to convey acceptance and appreciation, EVEN when you strongly desire to tell her that you are frustrated she isn't more turned on. Because - when she is walking the walk, you are grinding the emotional gears if you tell her that "doing" isn't enough. Because at that point you are - without meaning to - rejecting a core aspect of who she is. And that will be demoralizing to her.
You need to reach some mutual compromise on frequency and on how she handles nights where she really doesn't want to. She needs to grasp that a direct "rejection" - in the form of "not tonight" is hurtful. And now that she knows how hurtful it is - it is more than hurtful, it is at minimum selfish and possibly mean. The accommodation on frequency is key. A simple understanding is:
- We are agreeing to have sex X times a month
- If she KNOWS she wants a particular night off, she can and should give you a light cue. My W might say "is there any chance we could maybe spoon/watch tv tonight"? That means "we aren't having sex tonight". That is what it means. It doesn't hurt me. It doesn't make me angry or feel unloved. It is a request for a non-sex night. It prevents a pointless initiate/defer cycle.
- If she doesn't really know until you ask - and that is ok too - she can ask "Is it ok if we connect tomorrow"? BUT this is where love, commitment and respect show themselves to be true and sincere - or not. Tomorrow is now a commitment. And there is no game playing - hoping that some "blocking event" will arise as an excuse. SHE manages her priorities tomorrow so you DO connect.
- And she should agree to initiate some amount. And this is important - initiating does not mean she has to physically start the activities. For my W - if it is after dinner and she gives me a smile with a tilt to her head it means "do you want to play". And for her that is initiating. Fine by me. A wife who won't do that - needs to work on herself. Especially when the odds of rejection equate to those of winning the powerball.
As for the sexual experience itself. Whatever you can do to try to shorten the marathon man intercourse routine will help both of you. And that might include seeing if you can find a technique that doesn't get her to the rapture so quickly so often. I read your post about how she "relaxes" after getting there a few times and the lack of tightness causes you to last even longer.
For me - a long - sexualized massage (first giving and then receiving) gets me very wound up. Like you I can last a bit. Actually no freakin way close to you - like for me 15 minutes is a record and 10 minutes is a decent duration. But since pain is an issue - 10 minutes is WAY TOO long for us. Well - it will be if we ever have intercourse again....
If your W is good about hand/oral to make it so you don't hurt her - be grateful. That is love and commitment.
End of long rant.
Brown, You are a good guy in a very difficult spot, acting with grace and integrity. Hemingway would have loved you.
Originally Posted by Browncoat
I'll try and make a point to talk to the ST tomorrow about this as well. See what she thinks. Or at least plant the idea of working towards a diagnosis.
At this point I just need to know. I'm just so tired...