Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I'm INTJ so I'm on a forum for this personality type. They are mostly young people but there are more than few there that claim to be asexual. This topic comes up often.
Might be of some help to you to read how real people who are like this feel and see if there is any correlation. Once you sign up you can do a search and just read.
Be warned though. This isn't a friendly type forum like TAM. There are many there that are brutal. I like reading it because it assures me I'm not the only weirdo out there. I outgrew the brutal part....they haven't. LOL
Does anyone know of any other good information on defining/diagnosing asexuality?
My wife and I have been talking things over, and we'd like to rule this out as a possible diagnosis for my wife... or sadly confirm it if it's true.
I'll likely bring this up with our ST when I meet with her this next week.
Being in the business of English, I would say... hetero is other, homo is akin to same as in man with man or woman with woman, and asexual is a human without need of anyone to fulfill a desire, complacent to sexual desire with no other. Sexually dead, frigid, dried up...It is all Greek to me.
Brown,
You have been incredibly patient. It is time to have a low key conversation with your W about what a diagnosis of "asexuality" would mean.
For me it would mean that the love of my life does not want to have sex with me. If she didn't feel obligated, she wouldn't.
And my answer to that has been the same (this has come up 2-3 times in 22 years): Babe, I don't want you to do something intimate like that, which you dislike. Lets take all the pressure off you - to do something you don't want. And lets acknowledge a few key things:
- I expect you to get a job and work as hard as possible given the schedule constraints of the kid schedules. This won't be fun, but will put on on a more level playing field.
- Until you say otherwise our sex life is completely over. We can kiss and hug. We can spoon in bed. But thats it. No sex of any type.
- We both know celibacy is a non-option for me. So I will be finding an alternative that works for me. I will be discreet, and you need not to pry.
I love you, am committed to you, and think this gives our marriage the best long term chance of success.
I would NOT divorce my W over sex. I would insist that we open the marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Browncoat
I found a definition of asexuality from this site's faq:
I'm not sure that is entirely true. If I now the true basis of our "issue" then we might be able to attack it differently. Maybe even as something like MEM suggests.
I love my wife and if I knew that she was truly asexual it might help in coming up with some ways to get on with our lives by removing that problem without divorce. Not absolutely sure it is possible but at least we could approach the problem differently instead of us trying to "fix" her.
Let's see if we are on the same page. Here is what concerns me about my wife:
Doesn't/won't masturbate (not even as "play" with me).
Has ZERO fantasies.
Like yours, doesn't find anything "sexy". Not me, not other men, nothing. Rarely even comments on attractive actors/athletes/etc.
Has no interest in teasing/foreplay/"building up". Seems to enjoy it once there (yes she orgasms and yes I KNOW she does ) but doesn't like to take time building up to the act or in the act itself.
To me just generally seems to scoff at the subject of sex anymore. Whether it comes up as discussion/joking with friends, catching something on TV, you name it. I was watching something on the Science Channel the other night about the science of attraction and she even kind of balked at that. WTF?
BTW, before you all wonder why I married her. This is all mostly post children, she has not always been like this (or at least acted differently in the early years of our relationship).
Brown:
I do think it is important that you figure out if your wife is asexual, because that will help you formulate a strategy for dealing with the problem. You both love each other, so suggesting that you look outside your marriage for sexual satisfaction is not the way to address the issue. You want to make love to your wife, not to any warm hole for sexual satisfaction.
From the way that you have described your wife, I am sure that she wants to solve this problem in a loving manner. Even if she does not feel desire, she will still want to meet your needs. If you can address the pain issue, she will be free to consider how to become aroused.
It may take romance novels or movies to pique her desire. It may take her thinking about how much she loves you and your children. Even if she never feels desire, she can enjoy giving you pleasure. I encourage you to look for solutions together.
Let's see if we are on the same page. Here is what concerns me about my wife:
Doesn't/won't masturbate (not even as "play" with me).
Has ZERO fantasies.
Like yours, doesn't find anything "sexy". Not me, not other men, nothing. Rarely even comments on attractive actors/athletes/etc.
Has no interest in teasing/foreplay/"building up". Seems to enjoy it once there (yes she orgasms and yes I KNOW she does ) but doesn't like to take time building up to the act or in the act itself.
To me just generally seems to scoff at the subject of sex anymore. Whether it comes up as discussion/joking with friends, catching something on TV, you name it. I was watching something on the Science Channel the other night about the science of attraction and she even kind of balked at that. WTF?
BTW, before you all wonder why I married her. This is all mostly post children, she has not always been like this (or at least acted differently in the early years of our relationship).
Damnnnn Frustr sounds like you are describing my wife the past 3-4 years and she's become one of thee most UN-HORNIEST(if that's a word)women around, but she is unable to have children so that's not part of the issue with her I don't think. It practically takes heart starting paddles to get her privates moving and in the "mood" for sex everytime. *sigh*
Let's see if we are on the same page. Here is what concerns me about my wife:
Doesn't/won't masturbate (not even as "play" with me).
She will masturbate once in a while, but it's typically just to help me... because I enjoy watching her be pleased. She never does it alone anymore. I asked her about this and it's been years and years (maybe even a decade?) since she did it on her own.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
Has ZERO fantasies.
I've asked at different times, and in different ways. Nothing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
Like yours, doesn't find anything "sexy". Not me, not other men, nothing. Rarely even comments on attractive actors/athletes/etc.
We got into a conversation the other night, which is part of what got me seriously thinking if she might be asexual. I asked what she finds sexy. I've asked on multiple days now, trying to give her time between to think about it. She can't come up with anything.
I asked her about any scenes in movies where men did/said/acted in a way that was sexy. Nothing.
I asked if when she was at the mall and see saw pictures of men in various outfits outside clothing stores (either suited up or partially naked like outside of jean shops). Nothing.
She has said that over our 15 years she has found one other man's voice attractive. But it was only his voice. She's assured me she doesn't dislike my voice, so it's not like I annoy her. It's just that that's the closest thing to sexy she has found that she can remember. She's been thinking about this a lot due to therapy the past few weeks too. So it is what it is.
Now don't get me wrong, all of this was done out of love. This wasn't a fight or anything, just us talking frankly like we normally do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
Has no interest in teasing/foreplay/"building up". Seems to enjoy it once there (yes she orgasms and yes I KNOW she does ) but doesn't like to take time building up to the act or in the act itself.
My wife likes to be aroused by me. She's always enjoyed that. While we were dating she thought she was sexually excited, now we are wondering if it was just arousal. When dating we used to lay down with full clothing on the sofa and kiss. We did that sometimes for an hour or two. So yeah it got pretty exciting. Looking back on it though, it may have just been the arousal she experienced and not really any true sexual desire. She said that after I left for the night she never felt the need to masturbate or really felt much of anything.
These days she will perform oral sex on me, but it's mostly because she knows it reduces the time it takes me to climax. It's more about a means to an end. She doesn't mind it so much, until her jaw gets sore. That's about it though.
She likes me performing oral sex on her, but again that's just arousal.
She does enjoy being aroused and having orgasms, but she doesn't really enjoy sex per se. It's not sexy no matter what I do, say or w/e. There's no enjoyment of sex just because. There's only the enjoyment of being aroused and climaxing for her. She is happy when I get off, but it's not sexual really. Kind of like: "oh that's nice honey I'm glad you got off... yep that's nice".
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
To me just generally seems to scoff at the subject of sex anymore. Whether it comes up as discussion/joking with friends, catching something on TV, you name it. I was watching something on the Science Channel the other night about the science of attraction and she even kind of balked at that. WTF?
Fortunately my wife has a sweet and gracious attitude towards sex because she does love me and she knows I want it... frankly need it.
Sorry your wife's heart attitude is the way it is, that must be really painful to deal with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
BTW, before you all wonder why I married her. This is all mostly post children, she has not always been like this (or at least acted differently in the early years of our relationship).
Unfortunately for me, my wife has always been this way.
I suppose. My blushing bride is like that. And similarly is actually offended at portrayals of any sort of affection in the movies or TV unless it's some childish romanticized rom-com thing. She also appears to simply hate men, to the point where yesterday she had on an ID TV show about a woman who murdered her husband for money because he had MS and then concocted a story he ran away and 'became' gay and my wife thought that was morally and rationally ok. To me, at least, it's not worth attempting to explain. Maybe they could become militant 'feminist' burqa wearing terrorists or something.
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Asexuality 
) but doesn't like to take time building up to the act or in the act itself.
