Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I generally love having sex with my husband, and we get it on pretty damn often for having a one year old. I generally get off and it's good and bonding.
My issues all have to do with one another though, and I just need some advice.
1) I'm bored with our sex life. Not with him at all, but we have developed a standard routine which has a really high orgasm sucess rate, but over and over again and I'm just so bored with it I could scream. We've gone through this before, he found a note I had written during an argument which I didn't intend for him to read, but it basically said how I wish he'd step up his game and I'd do the same. He did for about two weeks and then we fell back into the 'yay we both got off high five' routine.
This coupled with his approach to initiating sex, which is less than arousing has made me reticent to have sex and the frequency has dropped off. Me being bored usually doesn't bother me and I can find ways to change it up but...
2) I'm stressed. We are making big changes in our life right now which are totally awesome and I'm happy we are moving on and moving up but when I'm stressed, I have a million things running through my head and I cannot turn them off without significant motivation. So basically right now I'm in 24/7 Mom/Worker mode with little time for Sex Vixen mode. His way of initiating sex doesn't even come close to turning my mind off and, during this time of high stress actually makes me cringe every once in awhile. This was in the note he found as well, but his style of initiating didn't ever really change during the temporary stepping up period. I've also taken the time out to wind myself down and step up and initiate and almost every single time I did that I got shot down, he wasn't into it at that moment or I "took too long," and he lost interest.
He's feeling the effects of all of this as right now I'm batting around a 1 in 3 orgasm rate (1 time to every three times we have sex) which is way lower than normal and he's backed way the hell off on being sexual at all with me. The thing is, I pretty much know what would work for me in order to not reflexively blow off my husband, and I thought he knew too...but now I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure that he knows how freaking easy it is for me to be a crazy sex slave if he took the time out to turn me on and didn't shut me out when I am turned on.
Do I tell him straight out? I don't want to hurt his feelings by approaching this with my bluntness, but it's building up a whole bunch of frustration inside to the point it's spilling out into other areas of our life. Is there a nice way to say "I feel like you are being kinda lazy in bed and I can't hold it all up?" or "don't fondle your penis and then expect me to hop into bed ready to go?" I don't want to stop having sex with him, and I kinda feel like the way I'd say this straight out would lead to immediate sexual shutdown and I just need some guidance on how to approach him constructively.
Absolutely tell him. Wow. Just reading your thread has me wondering if inside my boring prudish wife is a wanton sex slave waiting for me to do the magical combination to bring her out. Look, we're men. We don't get it. You've got to tell us. Just tell him what to do and he'll do it. Assuming he's like me anyway.
I think you should tell him both lovingly but brutally honestly. That's how we do things in my marriage, and frankly we wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm a big boy, she's a big girl... we can take it. Even when it stings a bit. Find out if your husband can take it by trying completely honesty once or twice... see how he responds to it.
Have you tried having him give you a massage to get you warmed up and relaxed? Buy some coconut oil or a scented cream that you like, and have him rub it in. Include a foot massage, too. Make sure he takes his time doing this.
Do you use sex toys? They can add variety and spice to a ho-hum routine. Try sex in different rooms of the house, or outside when you can manage it.
Have you tried role playing? Blind folds? Feathers? Sexy stockings? Light bondage? Taking a bath together?
I wouldn't have a blunt discussion, but would introduce some of these ideas without telling him that you are unhappy. He'll get the message without the pressure of feeling that he must perform to a new standard. Keep things light and playful.
I generally love having sex with my husband, and we get it on pretty damn often for having a one year old. I generally get off and it's good and bonding.
My issues all have to do with one another though, and I just need some advice.
1) I'm bored with our sex life. Not with him at all, but we have developed a standard routine which has a really high orgasm sucess rate, but over and over again and I'm just so bored with it I could scream. We've gone through this before, he found a note I had written during an argument which I didn't intend for him to read, but it basically said how I wish he'd step up his game and I'd do the same. He did for about two weeks and then we fell back into the 'yay we both got off high five' routine.
This coupled with his approach to initiating sex, which is less than arousing has made me reticent to have sex and the frequency has dropped off. Me being bored usually doesn't bother me and I can find ways to change it up but...
2) I'm stressed. We are making big changes in our life right now which are totally awesome and I'm happy we are moving on and moving up but when I'm stressed, I have a million things running through my head and I cannot turn them off without significant motivation. So basically right now I'm in 24/7 Mom/Worker mode with little time for Sex Vixen mode. His way of initiating sex doesn't even come close to turning my mind off and, during this time of high stress actually makes me cringe every once in awhile. This was in the note he found as well, but his style of initiating didn't ever really change during the temporary stepping up period. I've also taken the time out to wind myself down and step up and initiate and almost every single time I did that I got shot down, he wasn't into it at that moment or I "took too long," and he lost interest.
He's feeling the effects of all of this as right now I'm batting around a 1 in 3 orgasm rate (1 time to every three times we have sex) which is way lower than normal and he's backed way the hell off on being sexual at all with me. The thing is, I pretty much know what would work for me in order to not reflexively blow off my husband, and I thought he knew too...but now I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure that he knows how freaking easy it is for me to be a crazy sex slave if he took the time out to turn me on and didn't shut me out when I am turned on.
Do I tell him straight out? I don't want to hurt his feelings by approaching this with my bluntness, but it's building up a whole bunch of frustration inside to the point it's spilling out into other areas of our life. Is there a nice way to say "I feel like you are being kinda lazy in bed and I can't hold it all up?" or "don't fondle your penis and then expect me to hop into bed ready to go?" I don't want to stop having sex with him, and I kinda feel like the way I'd say this straight out would lead to immediate sexual shutdown and I just need some guidance on how to approach him constructively.
Definately talk to him about it. You are in the beginning stages of what turns a good sex life bad...boredom and the beginnings of frustration and resentment. You should nip it in the bud now before it builds any more.
Just gently teLl him you want to talk. Say you're starting to get a little concerned that while not boring, you really want to build a basis for a continuing, long term incredible sex life with him. That is done by stepping a little outside of the comfort zone and doing new things. I could probably come up with a dozen easy things right now, but am on blackberry!
I think if you approach it like that...that you're not saying what he's doing is a problem, but rather you want to always keep things fresh and exciting, and do different things so you can continue to build and improve your sex lives even more so things never get stale, well I doubt too many guys would take too much offense to that!
My god, there is so much to do in the bedroom. Falling into a rut is never necessary, and usually ends with bad results (boredom and complacency). Plus, trying new things you may find that you haven't even scratched the surface of either of your sexual capabilities. Posted via Mobile Device
Working: LOL, maybe she is. For me it's that I really need a push to get myself out of my head and once that happens, whatever goes. The bigger the push, the better the result. I'm totally realizing my husband doesn't get this and I've never told him explicitly. We did have a fight about about not scarfing me like a big mac though...but I see that he has absolutely no idea what I mean by that. lol.
Browncoat: We are pretty brutally honest too, except for sex. I have no idea why, we aren't particularly conservative but for some reason this issue makes me really upset to think about him being upset. I do want to put on my big girl panties and tell him, I'm just trying to make it productive.
Lovesherman: Man, I'd love adding more of all of the above into our routine, and we've lightly tried all of the above but one of the blocks I'm stumbling upon is my husband totally isn't into what he might call "cheesy sex." Meaning anything that is more sensual than straight sexual which, when I do try to be sensual rather than sexual...he gives me the "WTF" look which is not the biggest encouragement.
I guess I'm the hedonist of us and a great big Taurus so I just want to mix it all in and enjoy it all and I don't get the feedback I need to fully express it, which I can absolutely work on being way more clear that I need. Which at this point isn't that much.
Donny: Ding ding ding, thank you! I know without a doubt that there is SO MUCH more sexually I can learn about my husband. I KNOW there is and I want to find out, but I don't want him to take it the wrong way like "dude you suck at life" because before this rut we weren't talking to each other nicely at all, but we were having soul changing sex...I want both. We talk to each other much better now and continue to work on talking constructively but it's not crossing over sexually. So frustrating. I also don't want to get one of his famous withering looks, but I can handle that better now. I don't want to be frustrated, but I don't want to get hurt. So tough.
Chilly: I've tried! I say that with an exclamation, but in reality I know I could probably do more but I am so nervous about rejection (which has happened before) or one of his remarks that I become a shrinking violet. But, I'm going to talk to him tonight and make it crystal clear that this is something I need and I will also do my best to make sure he gets what he needs.
We talk to each other much better now and continue to work on talking constructively but it's not crossing over sexually. So frustrating.
Two book recommendations:
1. Male Sexuality by Michael Bader. Read it together.
2. Give your husband:
The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Tell him crazy people on TAM told him to read it.
If he doesn't improve, send him to the Men's Clubhouse and we'll straighten him out for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FrenchFry
I also don't want to get one of his famous withering looks, but I can handle that better now. I don't want to be frustrated, but I don't want to get hurt. So tough.
I don't like the withering look comment. You need to have a conversation with him about this.
You: Hubby, we need to talk
H: [grunts]
You: Hubby, I am a vixen in waiting.
H: [Looks up from paper, smirks]
You: You are an amazing lover.
H: [Smiles]
You: Hubby, I shut down when you aren't receptive to my sexual suggestions.
H:[Listens]
You: Think you can do me a favor Big Boy (best seductress look) and hear me out without making any faces or judgements?
H: [Nods]
You: Thanks hunk.
I think if you have a really good, calm, heart to heart, you should hopefully see results. Don't approach it with him like it's necessarily a problem. Approach it as a positive, even fun conversation if possible. But essentially he needs to know you want more than "the rut", as good and easy as the rut may be. You want fun, exciting, new experiences to keep the relationship fresh.
One way to do this is to start with pleasant conversation. Turn it a little spicy. Work in some conversation about fantasies. After he tells you his, you tell him one of your fairly tame ones. You want to see a guy masturbate. You have a fantasy of masturbating yourself and being watched. A fantasy about doing it in the park...whatever. If he shows interest, then say "you know babe, I would love to watch you do that / do that with you / have you do that to me" or something along those lines. And throw in a "my god I'm getting turned on just thinking about it! I want to do that with you....NOW! Please take me home / to the bedroom / etc!". After all of that fun, tell him how exciting it was and you want more of that kind of change up and excitement. The next day be sure to tell him "my god, I can't stop thinking about last night! I love it when we do new things together".
If he doesn't get the message loud and clear after that, maybe you should direct him to this forum!
I don't know if many men understand this, but I think "the usual" and boring sex for a woman is what starts her drive toward being LD. I mean, for those inclined to cheat for this reason, this is where it starts. No excitement, boredom, routine. Then some guy comes along and is new, fresh, and exciting. Recipe for disaster. So I like to be that new, fresh, exciting guy all the time for her. It's not always easy coming up with things, but the reward is so great.
We all know so many women are "in their head" with sex. When you stop stimulating that, the decreasing sex seems sure to follow. I don't believe sure fire orgasms every time are as important as some excitement and passion in the bedroom for a woman. And my god, if you can give her orgasms she never thought she was capable of (multiples, vaginal, Gspot, ejaculation, etc) by trying some of these new things, it seems impossible to be bored! New things don't always work. But when they do.....wow.
My W has this new thing, something I do to her that drives her absolutely bonkers. It was just something new I tried once a few months ago. And it was an immediate home run. Right up there with me giving her her very first ejaculating orgasm. Her orgasms as a result make her lose control and seem to last exceptionally long. She thinks about it a lot, masturbates to the thought of it, and started to request it every time. "No baby, I want you to do your trick!". I had to start cutting back on it and throwing new things at her because we were starting to wind up "there" almost every time, to the exclusion of other fun things we do. So I tried something else. Not as big of a hit (they all can't be home runs), but it was fun and she enjoyed it very much. It was new and exciting, and she wants to do that again too. The result of all of this is I've created a horny monster! She's always wondering what trick I will "pull outta my rear end (that is NOT a pun)" next time. And none of this is super kinky stuff. Mostly just different techniques or ways of touching her, with a dose of toys and porn, and different locations thrown in for good measure a decent amount of the time. This results in neither one of us being bored, and keeps thoughts of sex more toward the surface because new things bring about reflection and thought, whereas if you're getting a release from the "same old thing" or way, you're pretty much done and on to your next order of business.
Like, I'm not inclined to cheat at all and this has just come to a header so if we have a frutiful discussion and continue to be exploratory I think this is a pretty easy issue to get over.
But it absolutely has caused my drive to plummet. Nosedive because I'm pretty HD and I just can't bring myself toeven get excited about the same ol' thing. I'd rather eat ice cream...and we all know where that leads.
Well, he's coming home soon, I have had a half glass of wine and I'm ready to lay it on him. Thanks guys!
Stick to your guns. Make it a fun, positive conversation, but if he shrugs it off, rolls his eyes, or acts like it's not important to him, it is time for you to PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Tell him calmly that his dismissing your wants and desires for a BETTER LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM is simply not acceptable to you. You want to improve upon an "already very good thing" and "make sure we always have it this good". I would really shy away from any talk at this juncture that something is lacking. He could see that as an attack or accusation.
At any rate, if you must, gently put your foot down. Then see how he responds. If he continues to dismiss you, 180 his butt and show him (don't tell him, show him) you mean business. You are working for a great relationship now AND in the future. He must get on board with that if he wants the marriage to work and for both of you to be happy. You're not really "unhappy" yet it seems, but the road you're on could easily lead to that. It is "nip it in the bud" time before....BEFORE resentment builds. Once you get down that road, it can be oh so hard to turn back.
7Likes 
Do I just say it? 
Thanks guys. Let me sort it out a little more.
Thanks guys!
