Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
People can change if they want to. I was wild before I was married. Now I only want to be intimate with my husband. I don't even like being hit on by other men. I guess it took a special man and truly falling in love.
Whilst I believe people can change behaviours if they REALLY want to and if the reasons for the affair are addressed.
I also believe that a persons past behaviour is the best indicator of their likely future behaviour.
For that reason I wouldn't stay with my H if he cheated on me.
I believe in terms of real, physical cheating it depends what pleasurable or painful experience he/she made. If it was good there is little reason not to go for it again, if it was bad (like getting caught and losing it all) it might keep him/her away.
But there's also the question what cheating really is. A man, who barely wants to have sex with his wife, but spends his days masturbating in the bathroom while thinking of another woman (women). He just doesn't physically cheat on her because he often does not how or does not find the opportunity, isn't that cheating as well? (Goes for both genders, I guess.)
It's a crock of crap the idea that anyone who once cheated is doomed to always cheat. That applies to anyone who's strayed, male or female.
I think one of the reasons people who could change their behavior, sometimes feel helpless to do so, stems partly from these asinine, baseless negative assumptions.
Human beings have the ability to change. It is a God infused, wonderful ability that largely distinguishes us from animals. We can evolve by choice. Ask the alcoholic 30 years sober. The once obese woman 10 years thin, and counting. The former cocaine addict entering their fourth decade of sobriety.
It's a crock of crap the idea that anyone who once cheated is doomed to always cheat. That applies to anyone who's strayed, male or female.
I think one of the reasons people who could change their behavior, sometimes feel helpless to do so, stems partly from these asinine, baseless negative assumptions.
Human beings have the ability to change. It is a God infused, wonderful ability that largely distinguishes us from animals. We can evolve by choice. Ask the alcoholic 30 years sober. The once obese woman 10 years thin, and counting. The former cocaine addict entering their fourth decade of sobriety.
People can, and do, change.
They key thing is that in a marriage the cheater is inflicting their weaknesses on their spouse -- directly.
And all those addictive behaviors you describe involve still craving booze, food, drugs, etc.
Are you saying a cheater is still craving strange but somehow holds in that impulse like a drug addict?
If that's the case, I still don't want one in my life.
They key thing is that in a marriage the cheater in inflicting their weaknesses on their spouse -- directly.
And all those addictive behaviors you describe involve still craving booze, food, drugs, etc.
Are you saying a cheater is still craving strange but somehow holds in that impulse like a drug addict?
If that's the case, I still don't want one in my life.
I have had one for decades, no thanks.
I totally believe, and fully support, in any spouses' decision to leave a marriage after they've been cheated on. I think adultery is an automatic deal breaker, and if someone doesn't want to try and save the marriage after infidelity, if that's not a road they want to travel, I hope they leave and do so without a lick of guilt.
However I do not believe that human beings were made to be defined by their weaknesses. It's not my moral, or spiritual belief. I adhere to the notion that we are ALL sinners, all have the potential to do some rather funky stuff, but that we also have the ability to change. It's a God given right.
So no, that person who made a mistake is only doomed to continue the cycle if they chose to. If I were in the cheater's shoes I'd work to take responsibility for my actions, try and make amends as best I can. But I'd also hopefully realize that redemption and change is possible, and to NEVER let anyone tell me that once I'm something I must always be something, spouse or otherwise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by michzz
Are you saying a cheater is still craving strange but somehow holds in that impulse like a drug addict?
No that's not what I'm saying. Every person who overcomes an addition isn't constantly craving their vice, day after day (though some do). I know personally that I grew up a sugar addict, fat, and totally a slave to sweets. I broke that addiction years ago, and don't spend my days constantly fighting impulses. My father was a chronic, pack a day smoker for over 40 years, decided one day he'd had enough, and never touched a cigarette again. I would never make the assumption that every addict deals with their former vice in the same way. It's a case by case basis.
As a cheater and a cheatee, I don't think that it will happen again. People cheat because their needs are not being met and they are unhappy. Since we reconciled, we are both very conscious of what the other needs.
As long as I meet her needs, she has no reason to cheat. As long as my needs are met, I have no reason to look elsewhere.
We also are very sure that the other knows our needs.
Certainly lots of things play into the persons choice as to whether or not they choose to cheat again. It just seems that from the posts here, many men cheat again... but I havent seen as many men post about women cheating again, once caught.
We also are very sure that the other knows our needs.
For a second there I didn't think you were going to tack that on! Because no one is a mind-reader. (The defeated expectations of many cheaters, notwithstanding.)
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is a phrase that evolved because of certain classes of cheaters--needy bottomless pits who need constant affirmation, and narcissists who think the world revolves around them. Both of these types of cheaters are profoundly broken, and only lots of expensive therapy will ever reveal whether they can be fixed.
There are plenty of other kinds of cheaters. Like everything else pertaining to humanity, generalize at your peril.
For a second there I didn't think you were going to tack that on! Because no one is a mind-reader. (The defeated expectations of many cheaters, notwithstanding.)
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is a phrase that evolved because of certain classes of cheaters--needy bottomless pits who need constant affirmation, and narcissists who think the world revolves around them. Both of these types of cheaters are profoundly broken, and only lots of expensive therapy will ever reveal whether they can be fixed.
There are plenty of other kinds of cheaters. Like everything else pertaining to humanity, generalize at your peril.
I was only posting regarding my situation.
Neither of us are attention *****s or narcissistic, we just need each other at 100%.
You can use past behaviour to predict future behaviour, sure. You can also use past behaviour as an indicator of what you've tried and now know you don't want to do again. There are people for whom monogamy is an impossibility. These people are smart to never get married. If they do, they cheat and will never change. But this certainly cannot be said for every cheater.
Making a blanket statement about all cheaters being unable to resist the impulse to do it again serves no one. It's just patently absurd.
I was highly 'unfaithful' in my late teens/early 20s - but then I never had any real deep feelings for them, nor they for me so I never saw it as an issue. I had flings and boyfriends occasionally overlapped and I had FWBs, but always kept any feelings at a distance and as soon as someone wanted something more serious that was the end of it
but I was 100% faithful to my ex and always would have been, didn't even look at another man in 13 years. The reason it's over between us so quickly is that he was almost certainly cheating on me, and I just won't put up with it in a marriage
If I'm really into someone then I don't look elsewhere
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Women, once a cheater, always a cheater? 
I don't believe in cheating. Since I hung up my s***ty shoes when I married and promised myself to my husband, I expect fidelity from him.
