Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Better question... And I'm on your side OP, trust me.
WHY are you trying to have sex with her in the first place?
From what you've described about how she has been with you in the past, I wouldn't be interested in her sexually in the slightest. I'd be looking for someone else, or, by your own plan, I'd be waiting until my kids turned 15/16 (like you said), masturbating furiously in the meantime until I left then.
She's gotta have no respect for you. Nevermind, it's a fact because she flaunts that fact to your face and insults you with it.
Two people in love are two people who can't keep their hands off each other... Just live your life man and let her fix things if she wants and if she doesn't who cares? You make it so you don't lose... You don't try to fix what the partner sabotages while mocking you. Two people fix **** or nobody fixes ****... IMO
OP, in a relationship, no one (man or woman) should have to beg for sex. It's demeaning, hurtful and very damaging to the person who is reduced to begging. If your wife isn't prepared to go for MC, you might have to consider whether or not you are prepared to continue with the relationship. Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but, IMO, it's the cement that holds it together.
This is the woman who doesn't like to kiss and has never given you any oral, right?
I'm sorry to say, but it sounds to me like she doesn't love you and is barely tolerating you. You sound like a martyr ("this is my cross to bear in life" type of thinking). That's sad.
Have you heard this?
"When the sex is great, it's 5% of a relationship.
When the sex ISN'T great, it's 95% of a relationship."
When the sex is great, it's 5% of a relationship.
When the sex ISN'T great, it's 95% of a relationship."
OR
When there is no sex, it is 95% of the relationship
Why do I still want to make love to this woman? I don't want to make love to her but I do need/want sex. Getting it from her carries no 'moral' implications.
I am not prepared to be celibate....I think its very sad that a 46yr old married man has to masturbate to get sexual relief.
The alternatives are to have a 'friend with benefits', have an affair or use the services of the 'oldest' profession in the world.
I know there are many of you out there who would say 'divorce before you are unfaithful'...'having an affair is wrong' etc. And I agree with you....
I made vows at the altar - I'm a believer but not religious - my head and heart keep on reminding me of the vows I made, but my body is craving sexual release.
One of you said that I should 'come on to her' more often because yes I will get more rejections but statistically I should also succeed more.
You know....although I want sex, I really don't think I could be @rsed to make the effort with her anymore.... It clearly means jack sh!t to her so why should I make the effort?
If you truly love someone you would do anything for them....even if you didnt really like it you'd do it for them...even take a bullet.
If my wife won't make the effort to do something for me maybe 1-2x a week, does she truly love me?
If my wife won't make the effort to do something for me maybe 1-2x a week, does she truly love me?
I think I have answered my own question.
This is very important. Does she love you, versus, does she not understand your emotional need for sex? Keep in mind that your wife does not need sex from you to feel loved, therefore it is hard for her to empathize with your feelings. She does not connect sex to love the way you do. She may very well love you but does not comprehend that the way you would "feel" her love is through sex. On the flip side, is there some action your wife would want you to do, that you yourself do not connect in any way to love, but is exactly what she needs to feel loved by you?
Why do I still want to make love to this woman? I don't want to make love to her but I do need/want sex. Getting it from her carries no 'moral' implications.
And maybe she KNOWS this. Most women NEED to know they are not being used for sex, or they won't let themselves be put in the most vulnerable situation there is.
"if she loved me, she would do it". Do you love HER? You are saying you just want sex from her. Sex killer in a marriage. Nobody wants to feel used. They want to feel loved.
If you are not able to do that, you really should consider moving on. It's not fair to her, or to you. It's cruel, actually.
Why do I still want to make love to this woman? I don't want to make love to her but I do need/want sex. Getting it from her carries no 'moral' implications.
I am not prepared to be celibate....I think its very sad that a 46yr old married man has to masturbate to get sexual relief.
The alternatives are to have a 'friend with benefits', have an affair or use the services of the 'oldest' profession in the world.
I know there are many of you out there who would say 'divorce before you are unfaithful'...'having an affair is wrong' etc. And I agree with you....
I made vows at the altar - I'm a believer but not religious - my head and heart keep on reminding me of the vows I made, but my body is craving sexual release.
One of you said that I should 'come on to her' more often because yes I will get more rejections but statistically I should also succeed more.
You know....although I want sex, I really don't think I could be @rsed to make the effort with her anymore.... It clearly means jack sh!t to her so why should I make the effort?
If you truly love someone you would do anything for them....even if you didnt really like it you'd do it for them...even take a bullet.
If my wife won't make the effort to do something for me maybe 1-2x a week, does she truly love me?
I think I have answered my own question.
I was in your situation. Ended up cheating on my wife. What I found is that it was the whole intimacy thing that I was missing, not just sex. It was then that I realized looking outside the marriage wasn't going to be enough, so I ended my marriage before my affairs came out.
My advice... Just end it, if it's that bad. Do what you can to try to fix it, but if you can't, walk away with your integrity intact.
And maybe she KNOWS this. Most women NEED to know they are not being used for sex, or they won't let themselves be put in the most vulnerable situation there is.
"if she loved me, she would do it". Do you love HER? You are saying you just want sex from her. Sex killer in a marriage. Nobody wants to feel used. They want to feel loved.
If you are not able to do that, you really should consider moving on. It's not fair to her, or to you. It's cruel, actually.
so having someone commit their life to you and staying completely faithful and continuing to desire you physically and wanting to spend quality time with you is not enough to at least get some reciprocal effort?
a wife does not get sexually used by her committed and faithful husband.
I know exactly what you are saying. You get rejected over and over. If you initiate you are told you can never just hug. So when you give the hour long massage, you are scared to take it to the next level, because you may get shut down. You wait for them to take it to the next level and it doesn't happen.
I have learned that it is worth being rejected. I have to be direct. I have had the exact same thing happen to me. We are having a great night and I finally say I am going to bed and she says she will be right there. We both know it is heading towards sex. Then she doesn't show up. So I go get her.
When I go get her and she rejects me, there is no way for her to later blame it on me.
I know I am putting myself out there. I understand the pride thing. But I find that the only way we are intimate is if I take the risk.
you make a lot of sense but there's a reason not a lot of people are in the sales business. they don't like and can't take the rejection. now if you are in sales and someone says no, they are saying no to your product. if you are looking for sex and they say no, they are saying no to you.
you make a lot of sense but there's a reason not a lot of people are in the sales business. they don't like and can't take the rejection. now if you are in sales and someone says no, they are saying no to your product. if you are looking for sex and they say no, they are saying no to you.
at some point, you just give up.
I think this is what eventually happens. Especially if the times you aren't rejected doesn't give you back that loving feeling.
During everyday life, my wife hardly ever says, "I love you". She hardly ever gives compliments. She rarely initiates sex.
But when we do make love. When we are holding other after or even during. She is full of compliments and I love you's. She will then open up and tell me how much she appreciates all I do for her and the kids.
Even though I sometimes I have to virtually beg for the affection and get rejected and put off for a week or two at a time ...... when it happens, it is worth it!
you make a lot of sense but there's a reason not a lot of people are in the sales business. they don't like and can't take the rejection. now if you are in sales and someone says no, they are saying no to your product. if you are looking for sex and they say no, they are saying no to you.
at some point, you just give up.
Rejection is hard, but it is impossible not to at least potentially face it in life. You are hear, not your wife, so we can only give advice to you. Add to it that you can only change yourself, not her, and it is clear that your behavior is the only thing you can control. Does not make it easy, only pointing out the reality on the ground.
In connection with this, have you looked at the Married Man's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy books, as well as the Thermostat thread in the Men's club house. Some real good resources there on changing yourself for the better, as well as tips on things that might help with dealing with your wife. No magic pills or guarantee's but some ideas that probably can't hurt.
Dear All - forgive me in advance, but I have to let off steam somewhere!!
Back ground...married 17 years. Sex was 2-3 times a week until children came along....once we had 2 children my wife went off sex. We now go through the motions of sex maybe once a month.
I usually go to bed at about 2245-2300hrs, my wife follows anything from 1-3 hours later. She is a TV addict.
Last night we watched a documentary for an hour. She sat on the floor between my legs...for the whole hour I was massaging her shoulders, neck, head etc. She didnt asked me to...I just...did it.
When the documentary ended (2250) I said that I was going to bed....She said 'I'll join you in 5 minutes'...
Of course, being a sex starved male, thought 'Wahay!'...I'm gonna get laid tonight!
So I went to the bedroom, had a shower etc and got into bed. At midnight, my wife hadn't 'joined me' so I turned my light out and went to sleep.
I was vaguely aware of her coming in just after 0100hrs (I'm a light sleeper) - TWO hours after 'I'll join you in 5 minutes'!
She got into bed and slept.
This morning she said 'I was going to offer you a bonk last night but YOU were asleep'.
'I'm afraid I gave up waiting for you at midnight'...
'There was an interesting film on TV'.
Nice to know that television is more important than me.
The thing is, she was going to offer me sex, but the reason she didnt and I didnt get laid was because *I* was asleep. My fault.
Just as she kisses me good-bye and says 'pity you are going, I feel so horny'....just as I am about to get into the taxi to go to the airport on a business trip.
Same thing...she offers, I decline ('Excuse me Mr Taxi driver, can you wait 10 minutes whilst I go and have sex with my wife?'...hahahaha!) = my fault.
So the lack of sex in our marriage is my fault.
All her behavoiur does is breed more resentment, bitterness, anger etc.
Its a vicious circle....and she doesnt give a flying f@ck.
Thanks for 'listening'...I feel a little better!
She had no intention of "offering you a bonk" as you put it.
And added to her sadism with the taxi comment.
And if you call her on her game, she'll act all shocked and angry that you could think such a thing.
so having someone commit their life to you and staying completely faithful and continuing to desire you physically and wanting to spend quality time with you is not enough to at least get some reciprocal effort?
a wife does not get sexually used by her committed and faithful husband.
From a woman's perspective:
"no moral obligations, it's just sex".
Try to understand that to a woman... this is the lowest, cheapest, thing a man can do to a woman. It's something you would do to someone you just met.. and won't see again.
Not someone you care about.
All the talk about sex is how we show we intimacy.
Not when you come right and say "it's just sex and she should give it up".
Any woman with self respect will smell it a mile away, and avoid at all costs.
It's the same catch 22. Men want sex before love, women want the love before the sex.
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Re: I'll be there in 5 minutes.... 
