I'll be there in 5 minutes....

7737 · 05-17-2012, 02:38 AM

Dear All - forgive me in advance, but I have to let off steam somewhere!!

Back ground...married 17 years. Sex was 2-3 times a week until children came along....once we had 2 children my wife went off sex. We now go through the motions of sex maybe once a month.

I usually go to bed at about 2245-2300hrs, my wife follows anything from 1-3 hours later. She is a TV addict.

Last night we watched a documentary for an hour. She sat on the floor between my legs...for the whole hour I was massaging her shoulders, neck, head etc. She didnt asked me to...I just...did it.

When the documentary ended (2250) I said that I was going to bed....She said 'I'll join you in 5 minutes'...

Of course, being a sex starved male, thought 'Wahay!'...I'm gonna get laid tonight!

So I went to the bedroom, had a shower etc and got into bed. At midnight, my wife hadn't 'joined me' so I turned my light out and went to sleep.
I was vaguely aware of her coming in just after 0100hrs (I'm a light sleeper) - TWO hours after 'I'll join you in 5 minutes'!
She got into bed and slept.

This morning she said 'I was going to offer you a bonk last night but YOU were asleep'.

'I'm afraid I gave up waiting for you at midnight'...

'There was an interesting film on TV'.

Nice to know that television is more important than me.

The thing is, she was going to offer me sex, but the reason she didnt and I didnt get laid was because *I* was asleep. My fault.

Just as she kisses me good-bye and says 'pity you are going, I feel so horny'....just as I am about to get into the taxi to go to the airport on a business trip.
Same thing...she offers, I decline ('Excuse me Mr Taxi driver, can you wait 10 minutes whilst I go and have sex with my wife?'...hahahaha!) = my fault.

So the lack of sex in our marriage is my fault.

All her behavoiur does is breed more resentment, bitterness, anger etc.
Its a vicious circle....and she doesnt give a flying f@ck.

Thanks for 'listening'...I feel a little better!

waiwera · 05-17-2012, 03:11 AM

I'm so sorry for you, it must be a terrible way to live.

I couldn't do it.

morituri · 05-17-2012, 03:53 AM

She sounds quite sadistic and you quite masochistic.

Coffee Amore · 05-17-2012, 04:16 AM

This is the woman who doesn't like to kiss and has never given you any oral, right?
I'm sorry to say, but it sounds to me like she doesn't love you and is barely tolerating you. You sound like a martyr ("this is my cross to bear in life" type of thinking). That's sad.

Have you heard this?

"When the sex is great, it's 5% of a relationship.
When the sex ISN'T great, it's 95% of a relationship."

7737 · 05-17-2012, 04:41 AM

Yes CoffeeAmore, thats the one. Well remembered!

She is on to a good wicket....she married into a reasonable weathly family, we live in a country where domestic staff is the norm.
My parents are elderly....I have asked them (and they have) to write me out of their will and to leave my inheritance directly to our children. That way when I leave she won't be able to get her hands on whatever my parents would have left me.

I'm sorry if I sound like a martyr....I don't like living the way I do but just at the moment I see no satisfactory way out. We have two children ages 10 and 12yrs... My wife will simply take the children back to her country of 'origin' and I'll be lucky to see them twice a year. They mean everything to me.
It would hurt them terribly if 'Mummy & Daddy' split up.

Once they are 15/16 and can understand more and are more able to make their own rational decisions, then I will leave and start living. Until then, I guess this is my 'lot'.

If I try talking to her about last night she simple won't understand...she won't see anything wrong in accepting and enjoying a one hour massage, then telling me 'lovingly' that she will be 5 minutes behind me then turning up 2 hours later....because there was an interesting film on TV.

If I completely ignore what happen and give the impression that I am not bothered, then it won't bother her and as far as she is concerned she did nothing 'wrong'.
We've done the counselling bit...she stopped going when sex and its importance in marriage came up. I still go...though its now about ME as against US.

If I 'cold shoulder' her she won't put 2 + 2 together and realise that the reason I am 'cold' is because of last night...No, it will simply be ME being in a strop.

Hence me coming on here to let off steam!

Mavash. · 05-17-2012, 06:53 AM

Sadistic was the word that came to my mind too. It's one thing to blow you off but another to rub it in your face. WOW.

unbelievable · 05-17-2012, 06:59 AM

You LIVE on th back burner. Your sexual needs are and have been her very last priority. You're surprised that she picked a TV show over you? Why? She could tease you with a little sexy comment right before you got into a taxi because she knew there was no way in hell she'd have to do anything more.

deejov · 05-17-2012, 07:01 AM

Accept your lot in life, or don't. And stand up and make a change.

Whether i'ts about sex or not, she is dismissing your need for an intimate connection, and if it was me, I would change my behavior to make sure I get a better reaction. (because that's all you can do in the end... is practice how you react, and how you get a better reaction).

As a woman, the hint about 5 minutes would have implied that I was expecting the man to bust a move. Take the hint and go with it. It takes confidence after being rejected too many times. But it's like a test. "come get me in 5 minutes because your massages kinda turned me on".

I would have taken the shower, and marched back in there and said "I'm more important than this show" and started kissing her, etc and lead her to the bedroom. And turned off the tv althogether, whether she was watching it or not. Do it with a smile.

Take the hints literally instead of personally. Would you be able to do that?

Jellybeans · 05-17-2012, 07:18 AM

Communication is lacking. Tell her you want sex.
Posted via Mobile Device

Hicks · 05-17-2012, 07:26 AM

You're not going to fix this by being nice and taking it.

Maricha75 · 05-17-2012, 07:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 7737

'There was an interesting film on TV'.

Nice to know that television is more important than me.

The thing is, she was going to offer me sex, but the reason she didnt and I didnt get laid was because *I* was asleep. My fault.

No DVR/tivo/etc? Record the damn thing and get her into the bedroom if the show/movie is that damn important!

Quote:

Originally Posted by 7737

My parents are elderly....I have asked them (and they have) to write me out of their will and to leave my inheritance directly to our children. That way when I leave she won't be able to get her hands on whatever my parents would have left me.

This actually made me

Quote:

If I try talking to her about last night she simple won't understand...she won't see anything wrong in accepting and enjoying a one hour massage, then telling me 'lovingly' that she will be 5 minutes behind me then turning up 2 hours later....because there was an interesting film on TV.

Again, record the damn program!

Cosmos · 05-17-2012, 07:41 AM

It sounds to me that neither of you are communicating clearly about the physical side of your marriage. Instead of going to bed and leaving her watching television, how about switching off the television, taking her hand and telling her: "I want you. Now..."

After the kids came along, what with her hormones being upside down etc, perhaps her libido was low, and she's just got into the habit of watching television in order to avoid sex... By taking the lead and appearing masterful (we women love it!), you could well ignite the spark and get things going again.

No matter what the outcome, you both need to communicate more clearly about your physical needs.

Jellybeans · 05-17-2012, 07:45 AM

What Cosmo said
Posted via Mobile Device

morituri · 05-17-2012, 08:09 AM

Good suggestions but unless the deep seated resentment and mistrust are resolved, I'm afraid it may be too little too late.

unbelievable · 05-17-2012, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jellybeans

Communication is lacking. Tell her you want sex.
Posted via Mobile Device

She's not stupid. She knows you want sex. She's known every hour of every day she's been with you. Making her care about what you want is the problem. I do disagree with others who have said your predicament is your own fault. The abused is never to blame for the actions of the abuser. The abused can certainly leave but they don't have the power to instill empathy, caring, or compassion into an abuser. It never has been your job to teach your wife to be a decent human being. She had parents for that purpose. Once the house has been erected, it's a little late to change the foundation. Perhaps you could 180 her, negotiate, or otherwise convince her to artificially behave sexually more often. If she does this often enough, she should gradually begin to "feel" more sexual (because people must justify to ourselves everything they do). If your plan is to wait until she spontaneously feels sexual desire to nearly the same level as you do, I fear you will be frustrated a very long time. Every time she turns you away and places her needs above yours, she's reinforcing and justifying her decision in her own mind, virtually guaranteeing that she will persist in her abuse.