Wife uninterested in sex
Ok. This is a first post for me as a new member. I'm a new member for a reason unfortunately. My wife and I have been married for about 7 years. We have 3 beautiful children and have a good friendship with each other.
The catch is that we never have sex nowadays. Things have changed dramatically in this area since we started dating. Prior to getting married she wanted it all the time...almost always initiating and always wanting it...a pretty naughty girl. In fact even before me, she was the same way. But since we got married things have gradually been getting worse.
The great sex lasted for a few months into our marriage after we bought our first house and had the whole place to ourselves. But then the sex turned into baby-making mode. This was fun for a little while until we found out that we would have more trouble conceiving than the average couple. After a while it became a very routine and uninteresting event. We were finally blessed with our first child. Naturally the sex was still on hold a lot while in mommy mode. At this point something fundamentally changed with my wife's sex drive. She was self conscious about how unsexy she looked post-baby, which I understand as a normal reaction but it got to the point where she no longer wanted to be naked in front of me (let alone strut her stuff in front of me like she used to do).
From that point on my sex life was for the sole purpose of making babies. There was a fake intimacy with it all. She kept telling me that she's going to lose weight and look sexy for me again...so again, I waited. I love her and believed her. I truly felt that once she gets past some basic self image issues, that we'd have normal sex life again. I encouraged exercise. I led by example losing a lot of weight myself, and encouraged healthier eating. Lo and behold after baby 3, she started hitting the gym and the pounds were dropping off. She looked great. She gets a lot of compliments on how she looks but it still wasn't good enough. She didn't like that she scarred a lot from her pregnancies and that she had a little belly pouch. Also her cup size went down a size.
I realize that can be a pretty traumatic change to get used to so again, I understood and supported her. I let her decide the pace for getting back into our groove....it never came. She realizes the frustration it's causing me and assures me that she loves me and will try to make time for it. But it never happens. She never initiates and has no issues putting intimacy aside because of work or being too tired...it's an easy afterthought for her.
It's become so difficult to make it happen now that I not only have to tell her well in advance...only after she says she's ready. It's not a same day spontaneous thing. There are times when the stars align and she still has no qualms about getting caught up in a TV show or a book instead of using the precious time alone to be intimate. Even in these cases, she's still not initiating...she says "we can do it tonight (or tomorrow) if you want to". She makes it sound like she's doing me a favor...I get so pissed at this approach that I just say f' it. I'm not going to be the one to initiate it. Then she says "why didn't you make your move"?
The last straw is a recent situation. We went on a family vacation at a beach resort. While I was in the room hanging out while the kids were napping, she went out to the pool to read and she also had a few ****tails. By the time I came out with the kids she was pretty buzzed and started talking a bit more freely about things in general. She said that one of the bartenders tried to flirt with her...she also mentioned another time shopping how a sales woman at a clothing store said she looked good and that she must work out a lot. These events obviously flattered her and she admitted that maybe she is bi-sexual because she catches herself looking at women more than men (she did have a bi experience in college) so it's not all that surprising. Now most guys would probably be turned on by this and I won't lie, I definitely was. But this time it stung because I caught her basically admitting that whenever she fantasizes about things, it doesn't involve me. She's even reading that damn 50 shades of grey book and had admitted to me that she gets off on it once in a while, having a thing for the the whole bdsm thing (yet another burst to my bubble). She asked me if I fantasize about her and I flat out said yes...especially since I know you get turned on by all this other stuff. That's the sad part, she still does have a sexual drive but it just doesn't involve me. You would've figured she'd want to jump my bones after reading that book.
She's also talking about maybe getting a tummy tuck and a boob job to boost her self image and libido. Who is she trying to impress? I've always been telling her she looks great the way she is. Now I'm not a gross dude or anything. I'm pretty fit and according to other people, a good looking guy, a great father, and one of those dad's/husbands that can do it all (cook, take care of the kids solo, fix things, home improvement, etc). But I'm really frustrated sexually. Do I deserve better? I love my family but the thought of living the rest of my life like this is depressing. I'm desperate for advice.