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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-18-2012, 11:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife uninterested in sex

Ok. This is a first post for me as a new member. I'm a new member for a reason unfortunately. My wife and I have been married for about 7 years. We have 3 beautiful children and have a good friendship with each other.

The catch is that we never have sex nowadays. Things have changed dramatically in this area since we started dating. Prior to getting married she wanted it all the time...almost always initiating and always wanting it...a pretty naughty girl. In fact even before me, she was the same way. But since we got married things have gradually been getting worse.

The great sex lasted for a few months into our marriage after we bought our first house and had the whole place to ourselves. But then the sex turned into baby-making mode. This was fun for a little while until we found out that we would have more trouble conceiving than the average couple. After a while it became a very routine and uninteresting event. We were finally blessed with our first child. Naturally the sex was still on hold a lot while in mommy mode. At this point something fundamentally changed with my wife's sex drive. She was self conscious about how unsexy she looked post-baby, which I understand as a normal reaction but it got to the point where she no longer wanted to be naked in front of me (let alone strut her stuff in front of me like she used to do).

From that point on my sex life was for the sole purpose of making babies. There was a fake intimacy with it all. She kept telling me that she's going to lose weight and look sexy for me again...so again, I waited. I love her and believed her. I truly felt that once she gets past some basic self image issues, that we'd have normal sex life again. I encouraged exercise. I led by example losing a lot of weight myself, and encouraged healthier eating. Lo and behold after baby 3, she started hitting the gym and the pounds were dropping off. She looked great. She gets a lot of compliments on how she looks but it still wasn't good enough. She didn't like that she scarred a lot from her pregnancies and that she had a little belly pouch. Also her cup size went down a size.

I realize that can be a pretty traumatic change to get used to so again, I understood and supported her. I let her decide the pace for getting back into our groove....it never came. She realizes the frustration it's causing me and assures me that she loves me and will try to make time for it. But it never happens. She never initiates and has no issues putting intimacy aside because of work or being too tired...it's an easy afterthought for her.

It's become so difficult to make it happen now that I not only have to tell her well in advance...only after she says she's ready. It's not a same day spontaneous thing. There are times when the stars align and she still has no qualms about getting caught up in a TV show or a book instead of using the precious time alone to be intimate. Even in these cases, she's still not initiating...she says "we can do it tonight (or tomorrow) if you want to". She makes it sound like she's doing me a favor...I get so pissed at this approach that I just say f' it. I'm not going to be the one to initiate it. Then she says "why didn't you make your move"?

The last straw is a recent situation. We went on a family vacation at a beach resort. While I was in the room hanging out while the kids were napping, she went out to the pool to read and she also had a few ****tails. By the time I came out with the kids she was pretty buzzed and started talking a bit more freely about things in general. She said that one of the bartenders tried to flirt with her...she also mentioned another time shopping how a sales woman at a clothing store said she looked good and that she must work out a lot. These events obviously flattered her and she admitted that maybe she is bi-sexual because she catches herself looking at women more than men (she did have a bi experience in college) so it's not all that surprising. Now most guys would probably be turned on by this and I won't lie, I definitely was. But this time it stung because I caught her basically admitting that whenever she fantasizes about things, it doesn't involve me. She's even reading that damn 50 shades of grey book and had admitted to me that she gets off on it once in a while, having a thing for the the whole bdsm thing (yet another burst to my bubble). She asked me if I fantasize about her and I flat out said yes...especially since I know you get turned on by all this other stuff. That's the sad part, she still does have a sexual drive but it just doesn't involve me. You would've figured she'd want to jump my bones after reading that book.

She's also talking about maybe getting a tummy tuck and a boob job to boost her self image and libido. Who is she trying to impress? I've always been telling her she looks great the way she is. Now I'm not a gross dude or anything. I'm pretty fit and according to other people, a good looking guy, a great father, and one of those dad's/husbands that can do it all (cook, take care of the kids solo, fix things, home improvement, etc). But I'm really frustrated sexually. Do I deserve better? I love my family but the thought of living the rest of my life like this is depressing. I'm desperate for advice.
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Old 05-18-2012, 11:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife uninterested in sex

It might be that she finds it hard to break the pattern that your relationship has settled into. A sex therapist can help with getting the two of you on track. They do not only address sexual issues, but are like marriage counselors who also address sexual issues.

If your wife knows that you are not willing to continue your marriage the way it’s going, you might be able to shock her into paying attention to your marital needs.

And no tummy tucks, etc when she seems to be focusing elsewhere.
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Old 05-19-2012, 12:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife uninterested in sex

EleGirl, thanks for the advice. I agree that the pattern is probably hard to break. The sex therapist is a good start. I know she really does love me, but I feel she's oblivious and insensitive to how all of her actions are hurting me...although they are with good intentions to make things better between us. I don't know if that's a sex therapist thing or a marriage counselor thing. Or maybe it's just her own self esteem issues?
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Old 05-19-2012, 12:10 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by gerimacbp View Post
EleGirl, thanks for the advice. I agree that the pattern is probably hard to break. The sex therapist is a good start. I know she really does love me, but I feel she's oblivious and insensitive to how all of her actions are hurting me...although they are with good intentions to make things better between us. I don't know if that's a sex therapist thing or a marriage counselor thing. Or maybe it's just her own self esteem issues?
The sex therapist would also be able to help with anything a normal MC can help with.

I done some reading on techniques that sex therapists use to get a couple back connected sexually. These are of course things that you can your wife would do in privacy. Often, once the sex life is back on track your bodies will make hormones that will change your attitudes towards each other quite a bit... the edge will be gone. You might want do some reading on the topic.
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Old 05-19-2012, 02:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
It might be that she finds it hard to break the pattern that your relationship has settled into. A sex therapist can help with getting the two of you on track. They do not only address sexual issues, but are like marriage counselors who also address sexual issues.

If your wife knows that you are not willing to continue your marriage the way it’s going, you might be able to shock her into paying attention to your marital needs.

And no tummy tucks, etc when she seems to be focusing elsewhere.
Yes. You need to get back on track with her. And it may not be very easy, but in your instance, you're pretty early into it, so it's not undoable.

Start picking up on some techniques to rock her world. She needs to have great sex to want sex. I've gone through this. The W, after a period of no sex due to a health issue, was more than happy to go without. I did a couple things. I gently let her know that I recognized it had to be good for her, but I would not live like that again. Then I went about making sure I "rocked her world" when we did have sex. Her drive was back up to 100 percent in no time. I'm not sure what it is. Us guys, our drive can be high without great sex. But with women I've found that they can be happy with or without it...unless they're getting great sex. Then they can't seem to be happy without it. The trick is to be a little patient (but not too much so), and "kick start" her drive by making sex wonderful for her. Once you do so, she'll typically desire more. But you have to get her to that point. As EleGirl said...you have to break the pattern. It's all about "snowballs". You can make a snowball and roll it down a bad hill, and let it keep picking up speed and size until it's a behemoth of destruction, OR, you can roll that snowball down a good hill, and it will likewise pick up speed and size. Your choice which hill to roll it down.

Last edited by donny64; 05-19-2012 at 02:30 AM.
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Old 05-19-2012, 02:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by donny64 View Post
Yes. You need to get back on track with her. And it may not be very easy, but in your instance, you're pretty early into it, so it's not undoable.

Start picking up on some techniques to rock her world. She needs to have great sex to want sex. I've gone through this. The W, after a period of no sex due to a health issue, was more than happy to go without. I did a couple things. I gently let her know that I recognized it had to be good for her, but I would not live like that again. Then I went about making sure I "rocked her world" when we did have sex. Her drive was back up to 100 percent in no time. I'm not sure what it is. Us guys, our drive can be high without great sex. But with women I've found that they can be happy with or without it...unless they're getting great sex. Then they can't seem to be happy without it. The trick is to be a little patient (but not too much so), and "kick start" her drive by making sex wonderful for her. Once you do so, she'll typically desire more. But you have to get her to that point.
A quote that explains this is...

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

It's true that the more great sex a woman has, usually the more she wants. It has to do with our hormone production. Great sex causes more of the good hormones to be created… the good ones that make us want more sex. What I have read is that it seems that a woman’s body works in such a way to match her sex drive to her partners. Women’s sex drive is responsive.
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Old 05-19-2012, 05:48 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife uninterested in sex

I agree with the above quote... Women need a reason to have sex.

What was her reason for being sexual with you prior to marriage? It was to get you to marry her. Then it was to have children. She has gotten what she wants in life, marriage and children. What is her current reason for wanting sex with you? You must give her a reason.

What must this reason be? It is a) you must be a great husband and make her happy. b) she must have a great life that she enjoys. c) You must connect to her that you provide her with "a" and "b" and that you are a sexual man who expects his wife to meet his sexual needs.
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Old 05-19-2012, 07:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife uninterested in sex

Geri,
Your W wants you to be sexually aggressive with her. And that is VERY normal. More than half the female population - given they can relax about the concept - finds the "guy completely taking control - maybe being a bit rough" very hot.

The comment she made about 50 shades of grey was directed at YOU. It is a clear statement of "male/female" dominant sex is hot.

This does not require dressing in leather or any equipment. It does require you to bring some edge to bed.

When she asked "why didn't you go for it". She wants you to just "TAKE" her.

And THAT is the only fantasy no one wants to request.



Quote:
Originally Posted by gerimacbp View Post
Ok. This is a first post for me as a new member. I'm a new member for a reason unfortunately. My wife and I have been married for about 7 years. We have 3 beautiful children and have a good friendship with each other.

The catch is that we never have sex nowadays. Things have changed dramatically in this area since we started dating. Prior to getting married she wanted it all the time...almost always initiating and always wanting it...a pretty naughty girl. In fact even before me, she was the same way. But since we got married things have gradually been getting worse.

The great sex lasted for a few months into our marriage after we bought our first house and had the whole place to ourselves. But then the sex turned into baby-making mode. This was fun for a little while until we found out that we would have more trouble conceiving than the average couple. After a while it became a very routine and uninteresting event. We were finally blessed with our first child. Naturally the sex was still on hold a lot while in mommy mode. At this point something fundamentally changed with my wife's sex drive. She was self conscious about how unsexy she looked post-baby, which I understand as a normal reaction but it got to the point where she no longer wanted to be naked in front of me (let alone strut her stuff in front of me like she used to do).

From that point on my sex life was for the sole purpose of making babies. There was a fake intimacy with it all. She kept telling me that she's going to lose weight and look sexy for me again...so again, I waited. I love her and believed her. I truly felt that once she gets past some basic self image issues, that we'd have normal sex life again. I encouraged exercise. I led by example losing a lot of weight myself, and encouraged healthier eating. Lo and behold after baby 3, she started hitting the gym and the pounds were dropping off. She looked great. She gets a lot of compliments on how she looks but it still wasn't good enough. She didn't like that she scarred a lot from her pregnancies and that she had a little belly pouch. Also her cup size went down a size.

I realize that can be a pretty traumatic change to get used to so again, I understood and supported her. I let her decide the pace for getting back into our groove....it never came. She realizes the frustration it's causing me and assures me that she loves me and will try to make time for it. But it never happens. She never initiates and has no issues putting intimacy aside because of work or being too tired...it's an easy afterthought for her.

It's become so difficult to make it happen now that I not only have to tell her well in advance...only after she says she's ready. It's not a same day spontaneous thing. There are times when the stars align and she still has no qualms about getting caught up in a TV show or a book instead of using the precious time alone to be intimate. Even in these cases, she's still not initiating...she says "we can do it tonight (or tomorrow) if you want to". She makes it sound like she's doing me a favor...I get so pissed at this approach that I just say f' it. I'm not going to be the one to initiate it. Then she says "why didn't you make your move"?

The last straw is a recent situation. We went on a family vacation at a beach resort. While I was in the room hanging out while the kids were napping, she went out to the pool to read and she also had a few ****tails. By the time I came out with the kids she was pretty buzzed and started talking a bit more freely about things in general. She said that one of the bartenders tried to flirt with her...she also mentioned another time shopping how a sales woman at a clothing store said she looked good and that she must work out a lot. These events obviously flattered her and she admitted that maybe she is bi-sexual because she catches herself looking at women more than men (she did have a bi experience in college) so it's not all that surprising. Now most guys would probably be turned on by this and I won't lie, I definitely was. But this time it stung because I caught her basically admitting that whenever she fantasizes about things, it doesn't involve me. She's even reading that damn 50 shades of grey book and had admitted to me that she gets off on it once in a while, having a thing for the the whole bdsm thing (yet another burst to my bubble). She asked me if I fantasize about her and I flat out said yes...especially since I know you get turned on by all this other stuff. That's the sad part, she still does have a sexual drive but it just doesn't involve me. You would've figured she'd want to jump my bones after reading that book.

She's also talking about maybe getting a tummy tuck and a boob job to boost her self image and libido. Who is she trying to impress? I've always been telling her she looks great the way she is. Now I'm not a gross dude or anything. I'm pretty fit and according to other people, a good looking guy, a great father, and one of those dad's/husbands that can do it all (cook, take care of the kids solo, fix things, home improvement, etc). But I'm really frustrated sexually. Do I deserve better? I love my family but the thought of living the rest of my life like this is depressing. I'm desperate for advice.
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Old 05-19-2012, 09:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Some great advice given here. As MEM says be more aggressive and bold, be willing to get shot down. Heck I've been shot down a ton of times and I still keep coming back for more.

She may also want to feel like you are fighting for your sex life, not passive aggressively like you are doing it... but actively! Be BOLD!

I strongly agree with seeing a sex therapist immediately. We have been going to one for a few months now and it's helped a lot. We found a good one through my wife's gynecologist, perhaps your wife's gyn can recommend one?
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Old 05-19-2012, 09:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Some good advice here. Thanks everyone. There's two things I'm understanding so far, 1) is that we need to address this issue asap before it gets worse, and 2) I need to be more bold

Point number 2 was a bit of a surprise to hear but it makes sense I suppose. I still honestly think she doesn't find me physically attractive anymore for some reason. It's bizarre. I totally notice her when she's dressed sexy or walking around half naked after a shower. She doesn't take notice to me like that anymore like she used to. I could be totally naked getting out of the shower and she'd just look and talk to me like I was fully clothed.

Anyway, I see everyone's point but in the end, I still feel like I'm being wronged here. We'll see how things go and I'll report back any progress.
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Old 05-20-2012, 12:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Agree that you should move more aggressively towards sex, but for a different reason.

I find it odd that she has made it known you need to schedule sex in advance, yet she never is available. Feels like there is a bit of intentionality to it; she indicates she wants advance notice yet does not respond when she gets it.

So, yeah, when you see she has a bit of down time (and certainly when she has a big block of time and having drinks, picking up a big book, etc.) make your move. If she responds, then you know what you have to do. If she still puts you off, respect that then at the next neutral opportunity explain that consistently putting the marriage last is not working for you, and that her neglecting the marriage inevitably will lead to you doing the same.

If you continue to let this slide, you are reinforcing that this behavior is okay because while you protest your actions conflict with and speak louder than your words. Your mindset now should be that her actions either support or harm the marriage - no neutrals.
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Old 05-20-2012, 04:21 AM   #12 (permalink)
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90 percent of the time,a woman starts talking boob and tummy job you should really start waking up. they are usually the start of her starting to look elsewhere.
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Old 05-20-2012, 02:13 PM   #13 (permalink)
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So I confronted her last night telling how her actions and comments make me feel and I must say it was not really the reaction a wanted. She got pretty defensive about her struggles with body image and I got a half-ass apology for being insensitive to the situation. She was pretty surprised I said what I said and I was even getting choked up telling her. Now we're in some weird place where we're not talking and ignoring each other. She tried to snuggle with me after our talk and I was like...really???!

She did say that she can do without sex...which is in line with what all of you are saying about "needing a reason". But that in my mind didn't help her argument. Actually its kind of relieving getting that ambiguity out of the way. She didn't have much of a counter argument when I claimed she's not physically attracted to me anymore. She disagreed and I said then where's the evidence that you are?...silence.

She's going a way traveling for work for two days so these few days apart should be interesting. Appreciate all the feedback.

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Old 05-20-2012, 02:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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90 percent of the time,a woman starts talking boob and tummy job you should really start waking up. they are usually the start of her starting to look elsewhere.
Interesting statistic. She did think its something I wanted but I made it clear I don't care about it and she looks beautiful the way she is. Silence again. I think deep down she wants to get them done.
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Old 05-20-2012, 03:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Hi,
I have the same issue as titled here but minus the signs of sexual stirring on her part. That in being alone, with others or otherwise. As far as her wanting physical self improvement, I relate in that I am starting to workout myself. I have to admit it's half for us and half for the ego boost of knowing I can attract others. My 'blind' comment is there is a good chance it's motivated by thoughts of others in the way of starting to be tempeted by the forbidden fruit. Maybe just the slight rush at this point. I doubt those books are about how to spice up a long term relationship, and more about strange or new love. But with what is being shared to you, compliments from other men/women, it is at least on her mind. My thought would to beat her to it. In working out, self improvement that is. Make her wonder about you this time.

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Interesting statistic. She did think its something I wanted but I made it clear I don't care about it and she looks beautiful the way she is. Silence again. I think deep down she wants to get them done.
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