Do it mad, sad, angry, bitter, upset, detached, enraged...just DO IT! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-19-2012, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Do it mad, sad, angry, bitter, upset, detached, enraged...just DO IT!

I was reminded today that it's so vitally important sometimes to just make love to your spouse, even if the emotional conditions aren't ideal.

My wife has been traveling a lot for work. Typically in the past I needed a little time to reacclimate myself to her presence if we've been apart for a long time. This comes from years prior to marriage living in a long distance relationship where some level of detachment was necessary in order to not be consistently miserable apart. I also sometimes take a minute to "thaw" with other loved ones. However this has gotten much better with time.

However my wife, after being gone for over a week, found herself surprisingly distant. It was a shock to her, as she's use to interacting with me with all walls down, heart and mind fully open. And then I ended up doing something that totally unintentionally upset her, and held on to it through the night into this morning, which in turn pissed me off. So here there is distance, a feeling of disconnection, and now her hurt, and me upset. Not a pretty sight for our first night together after a stretch.

We don't fight, we "discuss" (my wife is not a fighter at all). Things were a tense, there was some friction. She started to soften up, made some sexual advances, and my attitude was that she had some nerve after getting all butt hurt and grudgey over something that ultimately was pretty petty. I said to her "you sure have some balls", put up some resistance because I wanted to hold on to it, but she laughed that off and took me anyway, even with some stuff lingering in the air. We had mind blowing sex.

What I noted was that all the issues we'd been having just melted away afterward. Instantly we were just back to where we were before, bonded, intimate, playful, and open. It reminded me of all the posts I've read on here about people waiting to have sex until both are feeling free to do so, or all the issues are aired, or after they've talked about 1000 things.

Just don't forget, please, that sex is communication as much, if not more so, than it is pleasure. There is a time for talk, but sometimes even as you two are going through, have some friction, might feel miles apart, falling into each other sexually might build a solid bridge back to each other that is exactly what you needed to go the distance.
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-19-2012, 10:12 PM
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Re: Do it mad, sad, angry, bitter, upset, detached, enraged...just DO IT!

I agree!

I wrote about a similar experience here:
What sex can do for a marriage
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-19-2012, 10:54 PM
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Re: Do it mad, sad, angry, bitter, upset, detached, enraged...just DO IT!

I wish my husband would agree with this. It seems things have to be perfect for him to want sex!!! He's going to be leaving soon to go work out of state and he's sexually distant!!!
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-19-2012, 11:15 PM
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Re: Do it mad, sad, angry, bitter, upset, detached, enraged...just DO IT!

I love this! I used to be one of those partners that needed to have the 1,000 conversations, the air cleared, the connection intact, before making love.

With my husband, I realized, (with some reluctance, and experimentation), that sometimes making love is what you need to do to get back to where you were... Before all the bickering, silent treatments, nights spent up lonely, afraid and crying. I've learned to let go and be there for him when he needs me, and to ask him to be there when I need him...

The result is amazing. An instant mood enhancer, reconnecter, a relationship glue that binds us, when we are too emotionally drained and deprived to be there in any other context.

It's absolutely divine. It's reassuring to know that not all components of a marriage have to be intact before this exchange... And in fact, can precipitate those very feelings that seem to be "lost" in the moment...
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-26-2012, 04:32 PM
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Re: Do it mad, sad, angry, bitter, upset, detached, enraged...just DO IT!

I'm still that partner who has to have all the conversations and everything good to go before having sex. Sometimes I let it go and everything's all fine and dandy but the problem may still be there and nothing was solved and he goes on to act like nothing happened. I don't think so.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-26-2012, 04:41 PM
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Re: Do it mad, sad, angry, bitter, upset, detached, enraged...just DO IT!

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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-26-2012, 04:49 PM
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Re: Do it mad, sad, angry, bitter, upset, detached, enraged...just DO IT!

I think for me and my hubs it depends on the situation, sometimes it's good to just do it and talk after, when we are in our most relaxed state.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-26-2012, 05:09 PM
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Re: Do it mad, sad, angry, bitter, upset, detached, enraged...just DO IT!

Sometimes just a kiss can take away those feelings and recenter each other, sex usually works it tends to be a very emotional and physical release.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-26-2012, 05:31 PM
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Re: Do it mad, sad, angry, bitter, upset, detached, enraged...just DO IT!

That's exactly how I feel and want it to be with my husband. It is for the most part.

Getting that release is so therapeutic. We can table the disagreement for a few days then bring it back up. We talk out a lot of stuff. It could be the next day or a month later.

But you need that bond. That release is nessary to have a clear mind and have a regular no pressure conversation.

yami ni madoishi awarena kage yo
hito o kizutsuke otoshimete
ts umi ni oboreshi go no tama
i ppen shinde miru?
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