PurpleTurtle80

and my husband doesn't do it for me. He is a paraplegic and so that translate to this is what our sex life looks like...

him giving me the thumb and going down on me.

very boring.

We have had intercourse MAYBE 10-15 times in 7 YEARS!

I don't know how to spice things up. Even with little blue pills it gets up, but my hips a so screwed up from childbirth, I have a hard time doing all the work.

Honestly, i think the only reason why I haven't cheated on him is because my self image is horrible and I've gained a lot of weight since we were first married and had two babies.

What we have together just doesn't satisfy my need. It's so much more than just needing an orgasm. It's physical...not emotional. There are certain positions i crave...but we can't do it.

I'm so frustrated.

Lon

That must be horrible... but I hope there is more to you not cheating than simply a poor self-image - in fact its usually the other way around, often those with poor self image are the ones seeking physical validation.

I have no experience with dealing with a physically disabled spouse but I think there are a few others - that he is atleast able to use the blue pill is I think a big benefit and though the frequency certainly doesn't meet your needs perhaps there is a psychological way to cope and still get some sizzle somehow.

I can't even begin to imagine how horrible it must be for your H also to not be getting any plus also seeing his W he loves unfulfilled.

Have you consulted with any sex therapists? If there are none skilled enough to help with such a disability maybe they could refer to one who is? (I don't know just kind of brainstorming).

PurpleTurtle80

Morally i know it's wrong to cheat. Other than that, yeah I'm very self conscious with my body these days. What I desire sexually...there is no way to get that from my H. My marriage sucks right now. I think if we had a healthy relationship I'd be willing to see a sex therapist. I'm seeing a therapist on my own for my own depression and issues. I doubt he would see a sex therapist even if I asked him to.

I don't even know what I'm trying to get out of this thread. I just need somewhere to vent as I don't have anyone IRL that I could vent to.

see here for some more info: Newbie...

Lon

PT80, I just read your other threads and it seems quite clear that you don't love him and never loved him, been infatuated with your old bf all along. So no wonder the sex really sux, aside from him not being able to do much you were never into it with him in the first place. I'm assuming you haven't physically cheated on him, and so of course your two children are biologically his too?

The only reason you haven't already divorced him is because you depend on cohabitating in order to get by... so do each of you have any other family members or close friends you could temporarily (more of a long-term type temporary probably) cohabitate with instead? Then once you've found a way to make not living together work you can split amicably (as much as possible considering its probably going to be a one-sided decision for you).

And from what I see on the other thread, he was disabled before you met him so atleast there is not going to be the element of "for better or for worse" right before he suffered a paralyizing injury - in other words he's not going to feel that his disability isn't the driving factor, it's just that your heart has never really been in it.

Oh and as for your old bf, sounds like he is moving forward in his life without you, so before you go hoping this will free you to pursue that, just realize that love and happiness comes from within us alone, it is never from a "soul mate" in other words there are lots of potential perfect mates that get us really well. So you really should just work on learning how to find happiness within yourself before seraching for a long term partner or else you will always be disatisfied with the one you pick (and that includes sexually too, you can be happy celibate, just nobody wants that and with good reason because sex is a very powerful drug!)

PurpleTurtle80

I feel so lonely. I want a man that supports me and doesn't just sit on the side lines.

Coffee Amore

I've read some of your other posts. You knew he was disabled when you married him. You married him knowing that he is a parapelgic. Was he working then? Did he said he would work?

Surely you knew what challenges were in store....

I don't know what it's like to be the spouse of a paraplegic. When I was in university, I used to have a small part-time job taking class notes for someone with quadriplegia. He went on to become an attorney. Here's a site he uses. It's a forum for those with spinal cord injuries and their carers.

Cafe Apparelyzed - Quadriplegic & Paraplegic Spinal Cord Injuries

dubbizle

The least of your issues is sex so keep up with the counseling.If you are horny and his going down on you is not working then get a vibrator and some other toys to make it fun.

It sounds like you are going to leave him so are you still fooling around with you Husband at all?

Aristotle

So he can get an erection with pills but just feels nothing? That's pretty neat. I did not know that was possible. I assume he doesn't have orgasms and you can ride him for as long as you want, then stop when you are done.

Crazy.

PurpleTurtle80

about 2 weeks ago is the last time we fooled around. I tried to just give in and give him what he wanted and see if a spark would come back. Don't get me wrong it's nice to orgasm, but it's not intimate and I don't feel anything emotionally.

He can feel it...it's a different sensation. Blue pills barely work for him, so I can not ride as long as I would like.

Browncoat

PurpleTurtle you've got yourself in a difficult situation. Seems to me you only have a few choices:

1. Divorce
2. Affair (which would likely destroy your marriage and hurt your husband deeply).
3. Open marriage (which I don't recommend at all, from what I hear they have a VERY high divorce rate).
4. Live with your marriage as is (I know that is terribly hard).

I don't like divorce personally (outside of infidelity or physical abuse), especially when there are children. But this isn't my decision, it's yours.

Does your husband know how terribly sexually dissatisfied you are?

PurpleTurtle80

He's been cheated on by his ex wife, so he already expects me to have an affair. I wouldn't...but he expects me to.

I would never have an open marriage.

I've already been living with my marriage. All of this has been going on for the last 5 years.

He knows I want more, but I don't think he knows how much it really affects me. I don't have the heart to tell him as there is really nothing he can do about it.

Browncoat

Yeah I was just trying to lay out all the options (as I saw them). I'm not a big fan of open marriages personally, or having affairs. Both IMO create more problems then they ever solve, and just reading a bit in the section of the forum with spouses/couples recovering from infidelity... well it really opens you eyes to just how much pain it causes everyone.

I suspect he doesn't understand how much it hurts. I know my wife has a terribly hard time understanding how hard it is for me. I do think it's important to talk to him about it or talk to a therapist about it... you NEED to talk about it though. Else all that pain will just turn into resentment.

PurpleTurtle80

I've got so much resentment. There is a lot of hurt he has caused me as well that I can't seem to get past.

I have started seeing a therapist. She is really nice. I see her every two weeks. I see her this Tuesday. I love our time together, she doesn't judge me at all.

Browncoat

Yeah having an intelligent nonjudgmental ear is so vital when dealing with serious issues like these that build resentment. I kind of suspected you already had a lot built up by now... just didn't want to presume.

Is there much laughter and joy in your house? If not, perhaps finding creative ways to bring that back home will help. I know my wife and I love watching movies and TV shows on netflix together. We pause all the time and talk and talk about the film, ideas, what's on our hearts from the day... w/e.

Now not plugging netflix here... but trying to find something that you two can do together and increase communication and bring some fun/joy into your lives might be just what the doctor ordered while you are working through things in therapy and making up your mind in general.

PurpleTurtle80

When my husband is home there is rarely laughter. I was a social butterfly before I was married...and now...I never go out.We very rarely do anything as a family. We have our TV shows that we watch together but we don't talk about them. We rarely have conversation outside of talking about the kids, whats for dinner, the daily mundane. We argue over everything; so i just keep quiet.