Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I am in my late thirties, wife is same age as I am.
When we were younger, we had a great sex life.
Then as we got older, we had a routine, getting sex around 4x a week, cutting it down further. It has been like this for almost 5 years, every week. If for some reason we couldn't do it one night, it was rolled over to another night. But we made sure to always have our time.
And no kids. Personal issues and reasons.
I know I have a high drive compared to her, but we compromised, and I felt like we were both happy.
Well, about 4 months ago, she started only giving it 3x a week. I didn't think too much of it, but she wasn't wanting to make up on our lost couple time.
So I assumed it was my fault, cause I have gained some weight, so I started losing it, eating better, and trying to look better for her. And I kept a log of how I worked out, so I could track my progress, and see if the wife would want sex more.
Didn't even help. I would almost say it hurt. Because wife had sex with me even less! It started going down to 1-2x a week, about 2 months ago.
So I thought, maybe she doesn't feel emotionally connected to me. I remember hearing about how when women, if they don't feel an emotional connection, don't feel loved, so that translates into less sex.
So I started wanting to talk to her more. She was kinda open, but has been closing herself off more to me. I honestly, don't get it.
So I thought maybe she wanted some fun, so I let her have some girl's nights out. This allowed me to hang out with my friends too. Worked out great.
Except sex still wasn't getting any better.
Now, 4 months later, I am exhausted of ideas.
We have sex maybe once every 2 weeks, if that.
I would be happy, at this point, getting it twice a week. But nope, getting nothing.
And I have talked to her about, but she got upset and defensive, and called me some names, so I'd rather not try that again.
Is there some reason? Like, body changes, hormones, maybe even a change in diet? I am at my wit's end.
And I have talked to her about, but she got upset and defensive, and called me some names, so I'd rather not try that again.
Was it upset and defensive one way (just her)? If so it sounds strange. You tried to talk to her about it and she called you names? Again, strange. You should be able to express your cocerns to her in an adult manner, and if she can't handle it, I'd suggest you start thinking its a bigger issue than just the sex.
I'm also concerned by your wording ("giving it",etc.). Do you feel like she's not getting as much out of it as you are? Do you think she realized your change in behavior (going out of your way to talk to her more) was motivated by a "give to get" mentality?
I'm also concerned by your wording ("giving it",etc.). Do you feel like she's not getting as much out of it as you are? Do you think she realized your change in behavior (going out of your way to talk to her more) was motivated by a "give to get" mentality?
Good catch and good point. Those unspoken agreements never work. And she may not have been as happy as he thought she was.
You talked to her about it? What did you say? What did she say?
I asked her why we weren't having sex as often, point and blank. She looked at me dumbfounded, like she hadn't been slowly cutting it off.
I told her I have noticed how it changes, and hinted to how I have documented it. Because I have but I didn't mean for it to go on for almost 4 months. I was just expecting to have to document the sex pick up for maybe 2 weeks, not the decline for 4 months.
She called me a pig, and said that was I think about, and how I don't think about her needs, or what she has to go through at work. Yelling at me.
Your wife could be experiencing a change in libido based on her age.
I asked her doctor, he said everything was normal. Nothing huge that he noticed. But I know there is some doctor patient rule he can't violate, so he can't tell me a whole lot.
Does she give you any reason why she does not want sex as often?
I was going to ask her that, but after I initially brought it up, I have just avoided talking about it all together.
How much time a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things?
Our schedule usually follows: Sun-Mon-Tues-Wed-Thurs we eat at home, cooking the meal together. I may take her out though on Wednesday or Thursday.
Friday, is usually a friends night out. But if they are busy or something, I take her out.
Saturday I take her out to eat, and we may go somewhere.
And I haven't changed it very much since this started. I still take her almost as often as I did before this started.
I'm also concerned by your wording ("giving it",etc.). Do you feel like she's not getting as much out of it as you are? Do you think she realized your change in behavior (going out of your way to talk to her more) was motivated by a "give to get" mentality?
I honestly never thought of that "Give to get" mentality. Would this make her want it less?
As for her, she never expressed any dissatisfaction with our sex life. I thought she was satisfied in every way, and I try to make sure we both have our fun.
Has she put on weight as well? And do you initiate and get turned down, or are you just waiting for her to initiate? Do the two of you have date nights? How much "quality" time do you spend together?
With regard to her response when you try to talk to her, you may have to not take that "no" as an answer. Sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Have you read the No More Mr. Nice Guy (NMMNG) and the Married Mans Sex Life (MMSL) threads in the men's forum? See if they have some insight for you.
Has she put on weight as well? And do you initiate and get turned down, or are you just waiting for her to initiate? Do the two of you have date nights? How much "quality" time do you spend together?
With regard to her response when you try to talk to her, you may have to not take that "no" as an answer. Sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Have you read the No More Mr. Nice Guy (NMMNG) and the Married Mans Sex Life (MMSL) threads in the men's forum? See if they have some insight for you.
C Posted via Mobile Device
She has put on some slight weight, but nothing too bad. I still find her beautiful, and want her. And yes, I do initiate it, but I have been turned down for so long, I honestly don't know why I still do. She hasn't initiated for months.
And I have read a lot of various threads and books from many other sites and forums about the married guy's sex life, and I know the whole alpha and beta thing. I would categorized more as a beta probably, I am aware of that, but I like to think I don't let people walk on me.
She called me a pig, and said that was I think about, and how I don't think about her needs, or what she has to go through at work. Yelling at me.
Well, what do you think she is referring to?
Which needs of hers aren't you thinking about?
What is she going through at work?
What has been going on between you and in your lives for the last 6 months?
(And yes, if you "hinted" that you were documenting how often you have sex, I'm not surprised that she thinks that is all you think about).
Was it upset and defensive one way (just her)? If so it sounds strange. You tried to talk to her about it and she called you names? Again, strange. You should be able to express your cocerns to her in an adult manner, and if she can't handle it, I'd suggest you start thinking its a bigger issue than just the sex.
Doesn't sound strange to me. I've tried to talk to my wife about her lack (absence) of sex drive in a thousand different ways and she immediately gets hostile and defensive no matter what approach I use. It's just a way of training him to shut up and accept his fate.
Which needs of hers aren't you thinking about?
What is she going through at work?
What has been going on between you and in your lives for the last 6 months or a year?
THAT IS THE PROBLEM!!! SHE WON'T TALK ANYMORE!
I know she got a small promotion at work, that requires her to put in a few more hours a week, but nothing to big. I think her work week went from around 40-45 hours.
I know I probably wasn't always there like I should be, but I would try to listen to her when she wanted me to.
Now, when we go out, she doesn't like talking to me. I have tried talking with her, but she doesn't want to. It's like I am trying to talk to a brick wall.
But I tried to be supportive when she needed me. I do know before the sex started going down, she stopped talking as much. I didn't give it too much thought at the time.
As for the past 6 months to a year, nothing really major. The most exciting honestly, is probably her small promotion at work. Beyond that, nothing. We go on vacation, we live comfortably, we have savings, I honestly don't get it. We are in a stable situation.
Wait a second - she called you names? I don't understand her reaction. Did you start out the conversation with you cold hearted b!tch ...... If not the name calling is really desturbing. Is she in the habit of name calling.
I think you need to step up and not back down. May I suggest that you bring up the name calling and ask her why she saw fit to resort to name calling? Ask her if this will be the new norm because you have some choice words for her too if she ever does that again.
I also think that your backing down and not saying anything more is also confusing to me. You were a couple that had sex frequently and that has changed drastically. Any reasonable person would ask why. It seems as if you think you have no cause to ask about your sexual relationship. I have to ask - if a non- sexual activity was the subject would you not thinkmto ask and expect a reasonable answer? So why is sex in a special category??? Posted via Mobile Device
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Feel like wife is weening me off sex 
