Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hello, I'm new here. Just looking for some advice. I just had a baby 2 months ago so my sex drive is pretty low. When I was prego it was even lower and before I became prego it wasn't that great. Me and my husband met in the army and got married a year after we met. We've now been married 2 years. I give him sex to help him out not because I really want it. Unfortunately a year and a half ago he lost his sister and neice in a fire and has been depressed ever since, which is why he left the army almost a year ago. I got out about 6 months before him due to medical reasons which I'm being compensated for. He hasn't looked for a job or had the enthusiasm to do anything for us or even himself for that matter. He's run out of unemployment before the baby was even born. I'm saying all this to get to the point that he doesn't help out and still thinks I should give him sex. I've been taking classes online since before the baby to make extra income, since military vets can get paid to go. I'm always trying to balance all the school work, taking care of the baby, making sure we all have food (got us government assistance) and trying to find ways to keep us with what we need. I'm exhausted. But he finds any excuse to not help out. He plays video games all day everyday. If he's not playing video games wasting the electricity I pay for, he's sleep. He gets mad if I try to get him to feed the baby or hold her to get her to stop crying.
I can't concentrate on schoolwork with a screaming baby in my ear. I've been suggesting him to go to the VA if his depression is so bad that he can't do anything useful but he won't. He could get compensated for it if it's really that bad. HE gets angry so easily when the baby cries for like 30 secs. Is with holding sex from him bad? I'm way too exhausted when I'm still reading chapters at 4am because I've had to juggle him and the baby. I can't stand being in the same room with him when I'm working hard doing work to help pay his bills, while he's sitting there playing video games.I don't know what to do, I figure sex would help make him do stuff but he's still so lazy.
It is also painful for me to have sex since i tore when I had the baby. I'm not overweight, I actually had the baby early due to her not growing well, basically because I didn't have much food to eat during the pregnancy. Also, he smokes and can't even afford those. I had to bribe him with a carton of cigs to help me unpack my studio so I could do my schoolwork easier. I even put the crib together and her dresser by myself while I was very much prego.
Your husband has become a burden on you.
You need to set some boundaries.
Either he do the things he needs to do or you will divorce him. The way he is right now, nothing short of losing his meal ticket will get him to wake up and re-join life.
He needs to go to the VA, get diagnosed and get the treatment he needs. He needs to either go to school and get financial aid or get a job. He needs to help out 50% at home and with you child.
If he’s playing video games all the time… get rid of the video games and game system. Hock it. You could use the money.
You are part of the problem here. You are enabling your husband by putting up with his bad behavior and supporting him financially. If he did not have you to use as his sugar mamma, he’s have to get a job and function in life.
As for withholding sex? In this situation I see nothing wrong with withholding sex until he comes to his senses. On top of all this you are still healing from your child birth. Take better care of yourself physically and emotionally.
Tell him, since he doesn't have a job...his job is to get a job. Tell him, take the hours of the week he would devote to a job, if he had one, and devote that many trying to get one.
withholding sex is usually bad, but in your case it doesn't seem to be getting the message across. He is obviously in a very dark place and needs professional help for depression and grief counseling.
When it reaches the point where you are bribing him with cigs to help you with something any decent husband would do in a heartbeat... that's just inexcusable, for both of you.
He needs a wake up call - ground rules, boundaries, ultamatims. He needs to know that you will leave him if he doesn't shape up.
Quote:
I figure sex would help make him do stuff but he's still so lazy.
It shouldn't be a dangling carrot to make him do stuff.. it should be an expression of love and mutual pleasure/attraction. Have sex because you love him, if you still do.
But he should understand that in his current state he is in no position to demand anything from you, especially with a 2 month old!
he should learn what is and isn't sexy and that he has to do things to make himself attractive to you in order to get what he wants/needs. perpetual video games, sleeping in, not looking for work = unsexy, period. getting his **** together, pulling his weight as a provider and as a dad, proactively taking steps to make you feel secure, appreciated and cherished = sexy.
Also, please tell me he's not smoking anywhere near the baby. that needs to stop yesterday. I've quit smoking and I know it sucks, but it doesn't suck nearly as much as exposing a baby to second hand smoke. I believe I'm a pretty good husband and we have a pretty good marrige... but I know that if I lit up inside the house I'm pretty sure my wife would kick me to the curb, immediately.
I give him sex to help him out not because I really want it.
You have the right to expect a fulfilling sex life within a marriage.
You say you never really liked sex and you seem to think that it is something that you can 'give' to your husband, if he deserves it, and not a vital form of bonding, without which your marriage will not survive.
If you can't/won't have sex it is your duty to sort out your problem. A marriage without sex is not a marriage.
You have the right to expect a fulfilling sex life within a marriage.
You say you never really liked sex and you seem to think that it is something that you can 'give' to your husband, if he deserves it, and not a vital form of bonding, without which your marriage will not survive.
If you can't/won't have sex it is your duty to sort out your problem. A marriage without sex is not a marriage.
a little harsh there... she's given a number of legitimate reasons - pregnancy complications not withstanding - not to want to jump her husband. sex is important, but so is pulling your weight, which this guy is clearly not.
a little harsh there... she's given a number of legitimate reasons - pregnancy complications not withstanding - not to want to jump her husband. sex is important, but so is pulling your weight, which this guy is clearly not.
She said that she felt the same before the pregnancy.
I didn't mean to be harsh but the tone of her post seems to suggest that she sees sex as a tool with which to manipulate her husband. She doesn't seem to see sex as a right, but as a favour to bestow when she needs something.
I didn't mean to be harsh but the tone of her post seems to suggest that she sees sex as a tool with which to manipulate her husband. She doesn't seem to see sex as a right, but as a favour to bestow when she needs something.
Yes, I'd normally be the first to point this out.. when the husband is at least attempting to do his fair share. According to her story, this guy is not. I would not have expected my wife to stay with me, much less have sex with me, if I'd acted this way during/after a pregnancy.
Sex may be an issue, but it's not the primary one.
If he doesn't work, he doesn't play. He needs to stop playing video games for the time being. He's likely hooked pretty bad, so he will fight you on this point, but it's what he needs.
He needs to wake up early, get some exercise and make a point to focus on finding work and/or get training for a new job every day. THAT is his job: to find work to support his family.
He also needs to help out with the baby a ton since he's not working. Unless he's going to an interview and can't have the baby along there's no reason he can't be a Mr. Mom.
Does he have someone close by to help (lovingly) kick his behind into gear? Perhaps a friend, family member, or someone at church?
I'd usually always side with the HD side, but in this one, I do not. It sounds as if you do not respect him or want to be with him. If you feel your needs aren't being taken care of, why should you take care of his? This will only snowball and get worse. Compromise,let him know what you need in order to be okay with giving yourself to him. If he decides making those changes are not worth it, find yourself a MC or a lawyer. Good luck.
withholding sex is usually bad, but in your case it doesn't seem to be getting the message across. He is obviously in a very dark place and needs professional help for depression and grief counseling.
When it reaches the point where you are bribing him with cigs to help you with something any decent husband would do in a heartbeat... that's just inexcusable, for both of you.
He needs a wake up call - ground rules, boundaries, ultamatims. He needs to know that you will leave him if he doesn't shape up.
It shouldn't be a dangling carrot to make him do stuff.. it should be an expression of love and mutual pleasure/attraction. Have sex because you love him, if you still do.
But he should understand that in his current state he is in no position to demand anything from you, especially with a 2 month old!
he should learn what is and isn't sexy and that he has to do things to make himself attractive to you in order to get what he wants/needs. perpetual video games, sleeping in, not looking for work = unsexy, period. getting his **** together, pulling his weight as a provider and as a dad, proactively taking steps to make you feel secure, appreciated and cherished = sexy.
Also, please tell me he's not smoking anywhere near the baby. that needs to stop yesterday. I've quit smoking and I know it sucks, but it doesn't suck nearly as much as exposing a baby to second hand smoke. I believe I'm a pretty good husband and we have a pretty good marrige... but I know that if I lit up inside the house I'm pretty sure my wife would kick me to the curb, immediately.
HE actually goes outside to smoke. At first I told him he needed to wash his hands and make sure he wasn't all smokey around the baby, but that happened for about the first 2 weeks then he stopped. I'm not attracted to a lazy bum, it's hard for me to get in the mood with someone that stresses me out daily, and doesn't help me get more rest when he could be doing stuff to allow me to not work as hard.
What makes matters a bit more complicated is that when we met I was in a bad depression of my own. We both obviously were getting paid, but he was actually one rank above me and was a hard worker in the Army, as was I. But at the time we were becoming an item, I was in pysche wards a lot. Actually, he would drive 6 hours to the hospital they put me in for 69 days. He was the only person who visited me. HE was an amazing guy. He stayed for the one hour visitation and waited another 4 hours or so in his car for the special visitation hour. So that fact alone, how he was there for me at my worse is why I put up with him now. That and I don't want a broken family for my daughter. MY mom lost custody of all 3 of her kids and doesn't know the father of any of us. I don't want to be in the trend. He was once good and I know that person is still in there somewhere.
I strongly disagree with "using sex" as a form of control. BUT in this case you need to deal directly and aggressively with the actual problem which is his depression/inaction.
You need to be clear with him that for the sake of your marriage and your child he needs to deal directly with his depression, set himself some goals and get moving or your marriage is not going to last.
Sex may be an issue, but it's not the primary one.
If he doesn't work, he doesn't play. He needs to stop playing video games for the time being. He's likely hooked pretty bad, so he will fight you on this point, but it's what he needs.
He needs to wake up early, get some exercise and make a point to focus on finding work and/or get training for a new job every day. THAT is his job: to find work to support his family.
He also needs to help out with the baby a ton since he's not working. Unless he's going to an interview and can't have the baby along there's no reason he can't be a Mr. Mom.
Does he have someone close by to help (lovingly) kick his behind into gear? Perhaps a friend, family member, or someone at church?
I wish he had some one to look up to. HE's an athiest for one, especially since his sister and neices deaths. He's hard headed towards his mom, and his dad isn't the most serious guy. When ever I've mentioned motivating him to his dad, he kinda makes some type of joke like, "Need me to beat it out of him?" Here's what probably makes him more lazy, all of his friends live with their moms. None of them work. One did recently get a degree, but has still not found work, yet him and his brother have cars and working cellphones and World of Warcraft subscriptions because their mom pays for that stuff. We're all around 24 in age btw.
I genuinely wanted to move closer to my family when we left Texas and the Army, but he insisted we live near his family, who isn't much help. I relunctantly agreed for the simple fact that he missed them and was so far away when the fire happened. My family has helped unpack and helped us get this place and move in While I was too prego to pick up much. When they've helped out, they've had to drive 3 1/2 hours to get here. That time they unpacked, my husband was MIA for the first half of the day, so we had my grandmom even helping to fold and put his clothes away. I understand they are loud sometimes and even I don't like to be around them, but they were only there to help because he wouldn't.
He won't find a job because we don't have a running vehicle. He won't look for a local one because I guess he doesn't want any of his friends seeing him. I spoke to a friend of his who was also his sisters friend and she mentioned that when he joined the Army he expected to be at a much higher status than he is now. Like his pride has gotten to him. Like he doesn't want to stoop to a low end job after being in such a highly respected one. For one, he told me he's not working in anything that has to do with food.
1Likes
Am I wrong? 
Re: Am I wrong? 
