x2startermom

Honestly, I really don't like sex. It feels like a chore to do it with my husband. This makes me feel sad because I know he enjoys it. When I do enjoy it, it is VERY (can't stress that enough) RARE. Out of the, guessing, 10 to 20 times during the course of our four years of marriage I've only enjoyed it MAYBE 2 to 5 times.

It is EXTREMELY hard for my husband to please me. He doesn't know how hard it is. When I've told him the "correct path" to pleasing me he ends up doing what pleases him. If it's something I really want to do he tells me to earn it, which REALLY hurts. I have told him that it hurts when he says that.

As for masturbating, I don't like it because I end up crying myself to sleep. The way I view it is as fantasy/ies that will never come true. Porn just makes me physically ill for that reason too.

In short sex, in general, is torture (not the good kind) to me. What can I do to change it? Would like to for my marriage and husband. Biggest reason is because I know we will be doing it next week and I want to enjoy my husband. My ultimate goal is not to get physically ill just thinking about sex.

relationshipscanwork

Okay, I am sorry You have had an unpleasant sex life. I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have sex atleast 3 times a week by my choose ( I am the female and my boyfriend always please me).

Does it hurt you? Stress can cause your vaginal muscles to tighten to the point that it hurts to have sex. This might be part of the problem, take a long bath or shower and read or daydream or have a glass of wine. Anything that may help you relax.

PHTlump

You should both go to a sex therapist.

Did I read you correctly that, over a four year marriage, you have had sex a total of 10-20 times? That's tragic. I'm not surprised, given how rare it is, for your husband to try to make it as good as possible for him. Maybe he's being passive-aggressive against you for limiting sex so much.

Basically, you need to have more sex. It is possible that more sex will raise your libido. And, if you need to, get a vibrator to use during sex. That may increase the quality enough for you to enjoy it.

Just spit-balling some ideas.

Good luck.

x2startermom

I don't know why he does it, it could be that reason, PHTlump. My husband gets real irritated when I tell him to use the vibrator. I know this is a tragedy.

relationshipscanwork, it doesn't hurt at all. I've never been too keen on sex. Throughout my life I've done research on women and sex, still it has done little to none to help up my liking of sex.

I refuse to take pills, bad history with them. Never abused 'em but just don't like 'em.

J'Accused

This is a subject that has ruined my marriage, my wife's avoidance of her sexual issues, seek help, sex with your husband should never be seen as a chore if it is you are heading towards splitsville maybe not tomorrow but eventually. Because he will get tired of having to cajole and twist the arm of an unwilling partner and eventually you will build a resentment towards him, I know because it happened to me. There must be attraction issues on your part, you must get in touch with what ignites your libido and if it is not your husband, DO NOT WASTE years of your lives trying to start a fire in a rainstorm. Remember this is the unique and defining factor in your relationship because this is the only person you are suppose to have sex with, so you have taken the first step, recognize the problem now take the next address the problem.

J'Accused

But it also seems, from what you say, your husband has to listen to your needs too, seek an intimacy therapist

x2startermom

I'll just call the local church and see if I can't get counseling there.

J'Accused

Thats a good idea and start, may i ask what denomination you are as i am familiar with different religions attitudes toward sex

EleGirl

Do you really think that a church is going to help you with this?

You would benefit the most from a sex therapist. Since you have never really enjoyed sex there is a real issue with you and sex.

When your husband tells you to 'earn it'. What does he expect you to do to earn it?

Tell him you have earned it because you are filling his sexual needs, have been for a long time. So you want yours filled as well.

my ex told me once that he was not responsible for my orgasms. so the next time we were having sex, I just stopped in the middle and rolled over as if I was going to sleep. He complained alright. My response was that I was not responsible for his orgasms either. He got the point.

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Cre8ify

My wife and I both went through fire and brimstone Catholic school and I know for a fact i am still working that good girl modeling off my wife after 26 years. The church may not be your best answer, maybe find the best help possible rather than easy, available help. The stakes are high enough to warrant it. Everything about your relationship can expand and blossom after you enjoy an ongoing intimate connection.

J'Accused

There are many Christian religions that realize that a healthy sex life is essential to a long lasting marriage, it depends on the role religion plays in the persons life, maybe op doesnt have access or resources to a profession intimacy therapist, even the Catholic church, which i was also raised in, is coming around, we should just ad-homonym reject the role religion can play in fixing this problem. but when OP uses torture as a description of sex with her husband intervention is needed

EleGirl

I have been Catholic all my life. I don’t know why you say that the CC ‘is coming around’. It has always understood the importance of sex in a good marriage.

When we are suffering from physical and/or mental disorders we go to the right kind of doctor not the Church for treatment. The OP has some serious, deep seated issues that need a lot more than spiritual help.

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unbelievable

Did you know you didn't particularly like sex before you got married?

Stonewall

From her description of his actions pursuant to her expressed needs during sex; I'm guessing she might actually like sex if he concentrated on pleasing her.

It makes me sad to read these kinds of posts. Its so easy to have a good sex life if each just placed the spouse above themselves.

J'Accused

Sorry Elegirl you are wrong I had 16 years of formal Catholics School education when it came to the sacrament of Vocation there were 3 allowable vocation, marriage, Clergy, Single Lay person, as specifically on the subject of sex, the cc, up until 90's reaffirmed that sex in marriage was for the explicit purpose of procreation and not for personal pleasure, until recently this has been there policy. You misconstrue everything, the mere sign the op is looking fo help and realizes there is a sexual dysfunctionality, maybe the OP doesnt have the resources to go out and hire Dr. Phil maybe her church can offer her some help, and did you read what my first suggestion was to her? you have to read with comprehension,