Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
First - I'm talking specifically about oral sex. We're in our mid twenties, married for five years, were each others first sexual partner/serious relationship, and she's had no sexual trauma to explain her misgivings about doing it. I shower multiple times a day, and would never dream of expecting it when I'm dirty. After eight years of being together, I've only recently had it "until completion," and (in the rare occasion) she does it, it's about three minutes into it before she stops suddenly and wants to switch to something else. The "until completion" happened less than ten times (in eight years), and it's usually performed with the feeling of it being a chore..
I work full time, go to school part time/full time (depending), despite getting limited sleep im the one who always wakes up early to handle the dogs, while she stays snoring in bed. I plan to work towards a premed and become an MD - shes content with working part time and spending time with her family.
I don't mind that ( we're fine financially), but I think it's time she grows up, realizes sex is sometimes about the other person, and gets over the "I feel dirty doing it."
Frankly, I feel pain getting three hours of sleep, going to work and school on the same days, and working my butt off to better myself (us). The last thing I need is being sexually frustrated, and "it makes me feel ****ty" is becoming a very aggravating answer.
I'm amazed reading other women talk about "pleasing their man" and honestly can't imagine my wife ever saying that. I think I'm a pretty good husband and frankly, deserve that.
Is it wrong (after being married for five years.. ) to finally tell her she needs to drop the "I feel ****ty" attitude and realize I'm her husband?
If its just because she feels dirty then she needs to get over it by sex therapy or whatever because I can see you've got a lot of built up resentment towards it. That's BS plain and simple, however it could be a number of underlying reasons, like maybe she thinks she's horrible at it and is too self conscious, maybe it hurts her jaw and is very uncomfortable about it, maybe you don't go down on her so she won't do it to you in retaliation.
If she is unwilling to address the issue with sex therapy or even reading up on a mans needs it shows she either really hates it or doesn't care about your needs. Either way you need to decide if it's a deal breaker. If it's not a deal breaker and you've both tried everything to get her to get over her issues but nothing worked then you should let it go before you live wallowing in your own resentment.
One more thing, I hope your approach at trying to get her to do it doesn't involve rubbing everything you do for her in her face and then trying to put your **** near it. That could be dangerous lol.
Doing it for her is one of my favorite things to do, and was the first sex act we ever did. She bought some things from online, and despite the Incongruence, I very much enjoy spending time doing things with/to her using them.
It's just a bit odd spending thirty/ forty minutes or so teasing her and using them during foreplay, then getting my three minutes (or usually not), and having the thought enter my head "something's off with this..."
I brought up before that it was important to me, and got the "that's pretty petty" or some other excuse from her.
I'd probably start crying uncontrollable tears of joy (figure of speech), if out of the blue and unprovoked she approached me with "you've been studying hard, let me help you with something.." and she did it all the way. Thats my current fantasy, but I'm aware it will never happen if things continue as they are....
I've always wondered if it's because she never had prior bfs. And really I don't know if it's out of the normal to expect it, since I've never had a prior relationship either.
I think that accepting oral and not reciprocating is a lowdown, scurvy thing to do. And I think oral is a basic need in a full sexual relationship.
Having said all that? I'm not sure how you demand it. Demanding doesn't generally turn out so well in these matters. It does hurt my heart that she doesn't want to do it for you.
Starting out, it was almost a sure thing. Three years and 1 kid later, I get it once in awhile, but never on my terms and rarely as a freebie or to completion. making demands is out of the question. Talking about it or trying to analyze it seems to make it worse. Doing nothing means you're just giving up on it. I can't resist going down on her myself - and I don't think stopping would get the point accross.
She has excellent technique and it gets better each time. Even when she's half-assing it, it's good. I let her know how good it is, how hot it makes me, so it's like she gets off on knowing she's good at it, giving it sporadically, even hinting about the possibility of more and then withholding it! Sometimes I really just think she loves holding all the cards and having that kind of power of me. If any other guys have have had success stories here, I'd love to hear it!
Nick, I feel your pain and wish I had better advice. You are in a better spot than me in some ways because you're on a good career path and your wife only has to work part time. She does not have the excuse of being constantly exhausted that my wife has.
oh and unless you're just really huge, complaining about her jaw is BS. Sex is work, it can be exhausting.. but practice makes perfect.
ahh the old 'aching jaw' excuse - if you perfect your art you don't need to do it long enough to get jawache, know what I'm saying? Also another good reason for the man to be on top...
she sounds a bit selfish but also a bit inexperienced - I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt here and say it's the latter. when she does it to completion does she swallow?
ahh the old 'aching jaw' excuse - if you perfect your art you don't need to do it long enough to get jawache, know what I'm saying? Also another good reason for the man to be on top...
she sounds a bit selfish but also a bit inexperienced - I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt here and say it's the latter. when she does it to completion does she swallow?
Hahahaha....no.
Usually I give clues it's about to happen and she stops then and there.
Male or female, demanding sexual satisfaction just won't work. You can't MAKE her want to. You can tell her how you feel about it, and that the lack of reciprocation makes you feel less important/loved/desired...whatever.
i would suggest talking to her about it again, assuming you have already, go into the detail you do in your op, call her on her bull**** it "makes me feel ****ty" defense, referring to you use of mail order items in comparison. tell her you need a real reason, and that you need her to be willing to look for a solution. of course this talk should be during a non sexual setting.
My husband and I have been married 12 years, together 13. Until recently, he only got oral from me about 10 times AT MOST in the first 11 years we were married. He has done for me almost every time because he wanted to. I never pushed him to do it, and he never pushed me. He asked me why once and I told him quite honestly... my gag reflex sucks (no pun intended). Unless I actually get something to numb my mouth/throat, I can't do it for him. And he understands that. And YES, my jaw hurt because it took him longer to finish that way no matter what I tried. However, I kept at it anyway. Jaw ache isn't a BS answer, no matter what anyone says.
Bottom line is that you can't DEMAND, or make her do something she is not willing, or uncomfortable doing. She has to want to do it, plain and simple. BTW, when I do it for my husband, yes, I do swallow. Not because I like the taste (it's bitter, no matter what we try to change it)... but because I know HE prefers it....but he'[d never demand that I give him oral, nor that I swallow.
That's right, you cannot DEMAND that she do oral. If you do she will turn off and never do it. Doing a sex act because of demand is demeaning.
It sounds like you have made a point of complaining to her about who often and how she does this act. She's responding in a pretty predictable mannner.
How often do you compliment her no what she does? Yea I know you think she's not really good at it, does not do it long enough, etc. But the old saying that honey attracts more flies applies here. Compliment her when she does it. Afterwards tell her how much you enjoyed what she did. Try this approach instead. See how that works.
No, you can't demand. The best you can do is express a preference. Quite apart from the rights and wrongs, it hasn't got a cat in hell's chance of achieving anything positive.
So far you've had suggestions of sex therapy and complimenting her in the hope she does it more. The other standby of course it make yourself so fit, strong and manly, and have so many other women flirt with you, that she feels that she is cheating herself by not doing it to you.
Whether any of these will work in your case is down to you to find out.
By the sound of things though, I doubt it's possible for you to alpha up, counsel and compliment enough to make a difference to someone who basically finds the act about as alluring as wiping someone else's arse.
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Not sure if it's wrong to make demands but it doesn't work around my house. If my wife ever catches fire and I yell "stop, drop, and roll!", she'll burn alive standing straight up. She doesn't "do" orders.
Personally, I think you're "wrong" to define "sexual satisfaction" as "oral sex to completion". If I had a loving partner who was into sex, who was an eager and active participant, I wouldn't care if oral sex to completion wasn't on the menu. Or anal. Or... Name your pleasure. Missing one or two things doesn't define the success or failure of an intimate relationship.
On the other hand, since leaving my marriage and meeting my GF, anything is on the menu. Having an uninhibited lover whose sex drive matches your own is a real treat, I can tell you!
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Wrong to demand sexual satisfaction? 
