Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
After 20 yrs of marriage and three wonderful kids, all still at home, the wife has hit a wall.
Not sure if it was from all the battles with our oldest son over the yrs, or what. And these always seemed to happen while I was at work. The last 5-6 yrs have been 60+hr work weeks.
I was a virgin when I married her and I believe she had about 3 previous serious relationships, but about 5 sexual ones. The religion I was rasied in u couldn't have sex before marriage, but we did and I felt so guility. After 2yrs of marriage and after our 1st child I did a very stupid thing and went to a massge parolor. I only ended up getting a hand job. My wife caught me by looking through the bank statements. I apologized and I have did everything I could to be open since that day.
She knows all my passwords, I very rarely buy myself stuff because I feel I still need to 'make up' for my stupid decision.
This year she has went away twice and planning another, this time for two weeks to DP. We had a big discussion about two weeks ago about my infidelity and I offered to move out to give her time, because I know I was in the wrong, but I love her so much, I don't want to lose that love. She says that sex is of no interest to her now so its been sexless for the last 3 weeks, and I'm not sure what to do.
So you're still paying emotionally for a handjob you got 18 years ago? Personally, I think she found a tool to use on you to get what she wanted years ago, and she's continuing to use that tool cause it continues to work. At some point in the forgiveness process, the past has to be set aside and you both focus on the future. It may not happen in a week or a month like some wayward spouses might wish for, but 18 years is way too long.
What you should do is march right up to her, look her in the face, and tell her that you no longer feel guilty for the handjob 18 years ago. Tell her it's her turn to show her that she loves you. Then see what she does. Don't make this a sit-down conversation. Make it completely out of the blue, so that it hits her like a truck and so she can't think ahead and plan her response.
There's a good chance that she has no interest in sex with you purely because you continually act as though you have no testicles. Do what I say, and she just might realize that you have two big hairy ones, and she just might start to get wet right there on the spot.
YOu're not alone. I slept aroundon my then girlfriend 5 years ago and I have yet to live it down. Considering divorce. She brings it up daily. Literally. Even though I was in the wrong I'm finding it hard not to leave. The only thing that's keeping me here is "for better or for worse". Damn conscience.
What the he!! - you cheated 20 years ago and she is still making you pay for it? Cripes. That's disgusting. I am sorry, but your sentence should have been over YEARS ago. Obviously you guys did something wrong in the healing process.
You guys need to do some reading, see a counselor, SOMEthing. This is just not right. There are tons of books out there for what a couple needs to do to reconcile after infidelity, and I'll bet you dollars to donuts not ONE of them says that the BS is supposed to hang it over the WS head for 20 years!!
It's wonderful that your heart is soft enough to still regret what you did 18 years ago. Seriously though, enough is enough from her. She needs to drop it, it's in the past and so far in the past that it shouldn't occupy her everyday thoughts.
Sounds to me she's using that to create drama and distance between you two.
After 2yrs of marriage and after our 1st child I did a very stupid thing and went to a massge parolor. I only ended up getting a hand job. My wife caught me by looking through the bank statements. I apologized and I have did everything I could to be open since that day.
This has got to be a typo. 18 years later and you are still getting crap for a hand job? That would have gotten old a decade ago.
She says that she didn't do anything about it because she was too embaressed to tell her parents if we split. We talk and it seems okay but she has completely closed down on the emotional side. When I kiss her, she just pecks like 'what the **** r u doing, I'm not interested' .
we talked again last weekend and she made a comment that she didn't care if I had a women on the side, and that ripped my heart out. She says she said that to show how far away she is..
I asked her to go to counselling and she at first said yes but the next morning said no, that she wasn't there, but if I needed to talk with someone I should....
It hurts sooo much to have no affection or intimitacy..
Not so sure about some of the statements here. People carry grudges. For a very very long time. Often it's simply TO carry a grudge. Its become the defining backdrop of their entire relationship. Does it seem fair? It seems fair to OP's wife. Maybe to some of us it seems quaint and old world, but lots of people think like this. There are many wives out there, who for cultural or religious reasons will never divorce their cheating husband but who will never forgive him either.
You know it numbs the brain when your thinking so much about your actions and what is th eright course. The posts ring loud and clear about the challanges after separating/divorce where your finances are impacted and the family is now fractured.
The kids are the most important and at times I feel I should 'put up' with my wife's rut, and stay put. The youngest will be 18 in 5yrs and I'll be 49 still young to start again, if she doesn't care or love me any longer.