discouraged1

Yesterday I get up and after my jog go to the store to get you what you have been wanting.. actually several things. I was not prompted or ask I was just thinking of you. Finish the grocery shopping while I am there so you don't have to. Got home and you wanted to invite your mother and boyfriend over for our cookout. So I go back to the store to get more food. Come home and make home made ice cream and grill for almost an hour. Made vegetables, corn, bratwurst, steaks, chicken, etc. All I asked you to do was to mixed up the salad ingredients which took 5 minutes. You did help clean up a little but after dinner you ask me to make you some brownies, I do.
I ask for a handjob in bed and you decline. I don't get it.... selfish.
I did not do all these things to get something in return but when I do things ask or not asked that I know pleases my mate and there is no return.. especially when asked.
So I lost 10 pounds last week... on my way to another 50 or so to go. When I get there the 180 will partially be completed and I will be on my way to finding someone else.

lamaga

Sounds like you are being taken for granted.

And since when do you have to ASK for a handjob? Isn't that sort of thing freely offered? It ought to be. (I know, I know, I live in a dream world.)

discouraged1

Yeah I wish I was in your dream world.. my reality is if I don't ask I would never receive. Actually she would never touch me. It's funny and my wife insists she loves me so much but will never do the things I ask her to do.

lamaga

Well, I'd be happy to explain to your wife what that does to a marriage over time, but I doubt she'd listen My H's first wife was that way, and it truly damaged him -- on the other hand, he sure is happy now, and it just kills her. She still doesn't get it.

Sorry for your situation.

lovesherman

Stop doing thoughtful things for her. You are telling her with your actions that her needs are more important than your needs.

FirstYearDown

No, you don't live in a dream world.

My husband does not need to ask for sexual favors. His wife enjoys lovemaking so much that she gives them freely.

discouraged1

True... very true. I just have a difficult time telling someone I love "no"! But she has no problem telling me "no" so I guess she will get alot of "NO" coming her way! Thanks

jerry123

I was in same boat, i changed myself and stopped trying to change her. If you have not read "No more mr nice guy" get it now. Don't tell her you are reading that book.

Do things for yourself that you like. Don't stop doing things for her altogether but not everything she wants you to do.

It will be a shock to her but keep it up, and for the next 2 weeks do NOT ask for handjobs or sex...please try it.

Sawney Beane

Some people won't get the message no matter what. The idea is simply alien to them. To many of them, the idea that someone isn't asking for sex is probably a relief!

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Tall Average Guy

While true, some people do get the message. So try to change the dynamic. Stop doing things for her and see what happens.

In the example above, when she wanted her mom over at the last minute, have her get the stuff. You did your stuff around the house, so if she wants it, she needs to make it happen.

Browncoat

It comes easier the more you say it. I'd say though as always: pick your battles. Say no when it you need to protect yourself and setup reasonable boundaries... continue to say yes when you realize that saying no would only be obstinate and start needless trouble.

reset button

Discouraged.. had similar situation several years ago.

I was on hormonal birth control pills and it made me depressd and my libido non-existant.

I did the same things to my hisband and couldn't "see" how much it hurt him.

Within two weeks of stopping BC pills, was back to normal and things are fantastic (we used condoms until he got a vasectomy)

Please encourage her to try alternate BC if she is using hormones, also encourage her to see doctor for hormonal isses, thyroid, or depression before it is too late and you already are gone. I am thankful everyday my husband stuck it out (so is he..LOL)

I really did not realize or see how much it hurt him until I was off of them and still struggle with the regret that it got as bad as it did for 2-3 years. I was in a fog that made me not care about going out, my appearance, or sex. I actually had to see a counselor to deal with MY guilt.

Things are perfect now and we are active 4-5x per week. It has been almost 3 years now of great sex/love making.
Good Luck

OhGeesh

People like you can say you do things without wanting something back, but I don't believe it. I'm not a fan of the Mr.Nice guy crap either.

Maybe I'm a rare breed or a pushover or all of the above, but my happiness is directly derived from my loved ones always has been and I bet always will be.

If you didn't do those things wanting a response you would have added that in your post. You clearly do "do things" in hopes of getting something in return.

Have you sat down and talked to your wife about sex? I don't mean 1 minute talk I mean grab a chair here is a glass of wine let's really talk about wants, needs, and sex?

Communication is key all of the mind games people play are just that mind games. Man-up, withhold affections, go out with the boys, neglect, etc etc.

unbelievable

Ideally, both partners would do nice things for each other without expecting a return. This assumes both partners are basically decent human beings, capable of feeling empathy. You can't shop enough or bake enough brownies to turn a zombie into a human being. There is a certain element of power on both sides of any marriage but power can't be trusted to people with weak characters. They'll always use it for exploitation. I also don't buy the bit about birth control making otherwise intelligent human beings not realize their partner's needs. Your partner approaches you for affection. That's the way you "realize" there's a need, regardless of what your homones allow you to feel or not. If your infant was screaming and crying would it not dawn on you to feed the kid unless you happened to feel hungry, too?

MEM11363

Stop saying "I love you". Seriously. Stop saying it. And stop running around like her servant hoping for a handjob.

When she asks about the i love you thing tell her "saying" I love you, is not a replacement for effort and commitment.

Difference between wives who appreciate and who don't:
This mornIng my w woke me up and said: keep lying on your back and imagine you are having a dream.
Me: what's happening in my dream?
Wife: well she said "as her hands slipped inside my boxers"
Me: ummm I like this dream (10 minutes elapse) what happens next I ask
Wife: well at this point it becomes difficult for me to narrate while I make the next part of your dream happen
Me: oh - ok - perhaps I can take over the soundtrack from here forward





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