Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I wish I had an answer for you. After reading the thread this morning about "How do you get your wife to start giving blow jobs again", I texted my wife and asked her what changed us. I wanted to know why she changed...
This whole post just made me tear up a little. It's beautiful that you were able to reclaim and improve upon your sex life so late in a marriage.
This whole post just made me tear up a little. It's beautiful that you were able to reclaim and improve upon your sex life so late in a marriage.
I agree. I'm really touched by Aristotle's story. AND at the same time it's funny that we can tear up at anything that includes the words "blowjob," and "anal."
So...maybe this is another thread...but how does one recover from a relationship where your partner never wanted to have sex with you? After years of initiating and being rejected by my stbxh, I feel gun shy about the idea of initiating sex with any new man. Although, from most of the posts here, it sounds like it will be most likely be NO PROBLEM. For you men out there who separated from a wife who wouldn't put out, did you find it difficult to put yourself out there again? How did you recover?
I would LOVE to schedule sex, even if just once a week and the other days are "spontaneous" however my wife refuses too, says it has to be random and spur of the moment, which would be fine if it actually happened, ever!
When I first read about scheduled sex on another message board, I thought it would ruin spontaneity, but like many others it wasn't happening. I would go to bed almost every night hoping that this was the night when I would get lucky, only to be disappointed.
Finally I mentioned scheduling to my wife and she agreed to give it a go. She said Saturday was good. I said Saturday and once during the week. We settled for Wednesday and Saturday.
For a long stretch we kept at it. If something came up we agreed to postpone until the following evening. The result I hadn't foreseen was I never went to sleep disappointed again. If it was Monday night I went to bed happy, knowing that we would be back at in only two days, a much better feeling than not knowing when it would occur.
I am happy to say that this lead to more of a commitment to sex from both of us. The schedule is in the past, but set us on the path to mutual contentment, and an average of 2-3 times per week for the last five years.
I would recommend scheduling to anyone who needs something to shake their sexual relationship and frequency.
When I first read about scheduled sex on another message board, I thought it would ruin spontaneity, but like many others it wasn't happening. I would go to bed almost every night hoping that this was the night when I would get lucky, only to be disappointed.
Finally I mentioned scheduling to my wife and she agreed to give it a go. She said Saturday was good. I said Saturday and once during the week. We settled for Wednesday and Saturday.
For a long stretch we kept at it. If something came up we agreed to postpone until the following evening. The result I hadn't foreseen was I never went to sleep disappointed again. If it was Monday night I went to bed happy, knowing that we would be back at in only two days, a much better feeling than not knowing when it would occur.
I am happy to say that this lead to more of a commitment to sex from both of us. The schedule is in the past, but set us on the path to mutual contentment, and an average of 2-3 times per week for the last five years.
I would recommend scheduling to anyone who needs something to shake their sexual relationship and frequency.
Yay! I'm so glad this worked for you. That was exactly the reason I wanted a schedule - I could rest easy in the between times knowing I would get SOME. I also felt like that would help me too - not only about sex, but about other things too. My therapist suggests to couples that when they have "issues" to work out that they schedule one hour a week to talk about them. She says give yourself a time limit and stick to it. If you don't resolve the issue, you pick it up next week. (Sounds like therapy, right?) But it gives the person who has some gripes a guaranteed time to voice concerns and makes the partner who feels attacked a time limit so they don't feel like the "attack" will go on forever.
So...maybe this is another thread...but how does one recover from a relationship where your partner never wanted to have sex with you? After years of initiating and being rejected by my stbxh, I feel gun shy about the idea of initiating sex with any new man. Although, from most of the posts here, it sounds like it will be most likely be NO PROBLEM. For you men out there who separated from a wife who wouldn't put out, did you find it difficult to put yourself out there again? How did you recover?
Speaking as the one who had the lower drive, I turned down my wife's advances a LOT in the first years of our marriage. So much so that she eventually stopped asking. When I finally got my sh*t together and tried to encourage her to be be more assertive with me because I acknowledge I'm not the greatest at picking up hints, she still had difficulty adjusting. She still does, in fact, and it's been a couple of years, although things have improved in the past few months.
All I can say is this: If you rely to much on signals and hints, by the time you pick up on them, they've changed. If you want it, you have to both ask for it when you want it and accept it when it's offered. That way you're satisfied when you need to be, your partner is satisfied when he needs it.
Okay, here's a dumb question. For those of you who do schedule sex, is it always at bedtime, or at different times on different days, or do you just promise each other to jump each other on alternating Thursdays, or what?
Okay, here's a dumb question. For those of you who do schedule sex, is it always at bedtime, or at different times on different days, or do you just promise each other to jump each other on alternating Thursdays, or what?
For us it started as bedtime sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Depending on circumstances and individual desires, often another day or time would be substituted, with the goal of twice a week as a priority.
Soon the old saw, (the more you have sex, the more you want it), took over and twice a week sometimes became three or four times a week. Evenings sometimes became mornings.
Remember that the schedule you agree on is up to you. The reward is that if you keep to it you are having sex more often than in the past.
Sort of. We are coming out of a rough patch of frequency we had a couple of problems.. Husband was bored but felt like he was going to hurt me if he said so and the other problem was that we had somehow (only sexually) become so disconnected we were both almost afraid to initiate.
We started by having three nights a week that we would have sex and that worked out great for us but now we will make little comments through out the day about having sex later that night and we have gone from sex 2-4 times a month to 4-5 times a week so we really don't need to follow the schedule anymore but it helped us get to where we needed to be
We had slipped into a routine of once or twice a month . My H did some research and came up with an idea. Vouchers . We each have three vouchers and a void every month - If one partner plays a voucher - they can say where when and how . They are also responsible for setting the scene - candles, wine etc. It also brings a bit of fun and politics into play, eg if we both want to play one on the same day - who ever sends the text first has won .
Okay, here's a dumb question. For those of you who do schedule sex, is it always at bedtime, or at different times on different days, or do you just promise each other to jump each other on alternating Thursdays, or what?
Tuesday, Thursay morning and Saturday night... Even if we are angry with each other, which is a lot lately.
__________________ "I'm not a real doctor, but I play one on TAM." "Dude, stop saying 'no.' If your wife offers you a quickie in the back of a moving van, you say "YES!"
We've never had set days where we had to have sex on a particular day. We do, however, loosely follow an "every x number of days" rule where x is the outside allowable limit (barring things such as illness or being separated for some reason). x has varied over the course of our marriage. In the beginning x was like 1 or 2. Now, it's usually 7 - 14 days as an outside limit. If it's falling off past that, then we start to look at what's going on more closely - anymore it usually ends up being something physical/health-related going on that is having a negative impact ... and typically it's me that's falling
apart.
I don't think scheduling is bad if you are both on board with it. You can also loosely schedule where each partner takes 3 days and can initiate during those days and the other has the remaining days to initiate. That allows a little more flexibility. But both people need to be on board and willing to do it, just like if you decide to try a "never say no" policy - which we have also done at various points.
Some couples have problems with initiating or are both more responsive than spontaneous and scheduling can actually help them.
Once you start having sex routinely and you make it a priority in your marriage, you often find that you really miss it when you get out of the routine and it actually becomes more spontaneous and fulfilling and *addictive* as you continue.
Enchantment,
This is our routine as well. It is fair and balanced.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment
We've never had set days where we had to have sex on a particular day. We do, however, loosely follow an "every x number of days" rule where x is the outside allowable limit (barring things such as illness or being separated for some reason). x has varied over the course of our marriage. In the beginning x was like 1 or 2. Now, it's usually 7 - 14 days as an outside limit. If it's falling off past that, then we start to look at what's going on more closely - anymore it usually ends up being something physical/health-related going on that is having a negative impact ... and typically it's me that's falling
apart.
I don't think scheduling is bad if you are both on board with it. You can also loosely schedule where each partner takes 3 days and can initiate during those days and the other has the remaining days to initiate. That allows a little more flexibility. But both people need to be on board and willing to do it, just like if you decide to try a "never say no" policy - which we have also done at various points.
Some couples have problems with initiating or are both more responsive than spontaneous and scheduling can actually help them.
Once you start having sex routinely and you make it a priority in your marriage, you often find that you really miss it when you get out of the routine and it actually becomes more spontaneous and fulfilling and *addictive* as you continue.
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Re: anyone schedule sex? 
