Getting wife to give blow jobs again?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-30-2012, 04:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

I need some advice on how to approach my wife about giving me blow jobs again.
I love sex, but blow jobs are much better in my opinion. She doesn't give me as much sex as I would like either, but I want to address one problem at a time. She used to be enthusiastic about giving me near daily blow jobs when we first started dating. Things were great. She tells me that I'm just imagining this, but I know my memories are real. Than we moved in together and it lowered to once per week. I didn't think anything of it. We bought a cat and it lowered to once per month when she was on her period. We got married 3 years ago and the last blow job that she has given me, without months of begging and hinting, was the third day of our honeymoon. New I have to hint, beg, and complain for about 6 months before she'll at least do it as 4 play and it only lasts for about 10 seconds. I'm getting really depressed and fed up about it. I've asked and she always has an excuse. I can't sleep tonight because I'm so depressed about this situation. I give her oral as often as she wants and she loves it, but she refuses to reciprocate. I've asked female friends and they tell me to do things that I already do (i.e. help with the cooking, cleaning, give compliments, regular date nights, etc.) I'm out of ideas and I can't sleep tonight because I've been hinting for 7 months with no luck and I really deserved one today. I cleaned the whole apartment, cooked a delicious dinner with no help, washed the dishes, listened to her complain about her job, agreed with her that her boss is stupid, and gave her a massage. All I want is what she at least pretended to like doing before I fell in love. I don't think that is asking to much. I give her nightly massages and foot rubs and she won't take no for an answer. If I don't, than she starts kicking me until I do it. I can't kick her because I'll go to jail. I've tried to bring it up before and it usually leads to us having a fight, so does anyone have any ideas? Maybe some advice on a better way to word my request?
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Old 05-30-2012, 05:08 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

I'm in the exact same situation. Bjs before marriage but became non existant after marriage. I don't beg though. I have asked 2-3 times in the past year but she refuses. Last one I got was maybe 2007.

Don't do housework and expect or ask for a bj in return. Doesn't work that way. She should show initiative and do it anyway if she wants to make you feel good. I do my share and then some of housework but expect nothing and get nothing.

I always give my wife oral when we do have sex which is on a rare occasion itself. I have made up my mind to not do it anymore.

To me, for a spouse to refuse or ignore your needs and desires is like saying they don't love you anymore. My wife tells me she does all the time but actions speak louder than words.

I'd refuse her foot rubs etc. If she kicks you, go to the couch. Or go do something yourself like a hobby etc.

Last edited by Hurra; 05-30-2012 at 05:26 AM.
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Old 05-30-2012, 05:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

I think (guess) something like bj's are not usually a feminine thing to do and your typical womam would not usually do that daily after a while. She probably loved doing it then very much, and probably still loves you the same amount now too.

The issue could be the excitement/dirty factor. When you were first dating it was all exciting and new and she didn't know you as well and could be a bit wilder. To get that back you need to be wilder and rougher and make life more exciting for her. Massaging, cooking, cleaning, talking etc are great things for sure and she will love you for it, but you are not after love you are after the wild sex part of her. So take her out somewhere different and get her to kneel down and do it somewhere dangerous like some secluded dark place at night and get her heart racing again. Then keep the ball rolling after that and do more and more.
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Old 05-30-2012, 06:04 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

For the record, I don't do these nice things to get sex and blowjobs. I would do these things anyways. I just think it would be nice to get rewarded for all that I do. I give her oral even if we're not going to have sex. All she has to do is ask and she knows this. It's only right that she does the same. Besides, I have friends that don't help out at all around the house and claim to still be getting blowjobs. Also, I asked my sister in law for advice on this topic and she was bragging about how many blowjobs she's given her husband this year and that guys a junkie that doesn't work, help out around the house, nor compliment her. My friends are probably lying, but if a woman admits it, than it's probably true. If my sister in law gives blow jobs just about everyday that she doesn't give him sex, than it's only right that I get at least one in the year 2012. I didn't make a commitment to this woman for her to change some of the things that made me fall for her in the first place. (more than just blow jobs)
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Old 05-30-2012, 06:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

Your wife used bj's and sexual satisfaction to get you interested in her while dating and get you to marry her.... She had a reason to be sexual with you and do these things. Now that she "got" you, she no longer has a reason. And by the way, she wasn't blowing you in the past due to your housekeeping and good deeds, so why would this work now? It won't. You have to tap into the original sexual dynamic that you had before marriage... At that time you were the "prize" that she would do anything to keep... You have to be that prize again that she is chasing.
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Old 05-30-2012, 07:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

non,

You need to stop doing the things she likes. That means no more oral for her, no back rubs, nothing.

You should aslo do no more than 1/2 of the cooking, cleaning etc. If she wants to treat you like a roommate and not a lover, do the same to her.

Develop some outside interests and hobies. Call up some old friends and get together to play pool, grab a beer, go fishing or whatever.

How often a month do the two of you have sex anyway?
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Old 05-30-2012, 07:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

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I give her nightly massages and foot rubs and she won't take no for an answer. If I don't, than she starts kicking me until I do it.
Ok, that's F***ed up, and needs to stop yesterday. You need to level with her here.. no more massages unless you feel like it, period. And stand you ground. You are in control of whether or not she gets massages, just like she decides to give you a bj or not.

if she kicks you or throws a fit, you leave the house. go get groceries or have a drink somewhere. Stay out as long as you feel like and don't answer her texts until you feel like it. Leave her hanging a bit, and she will have time to reevaluate her behavior. Then come home. Don't melt and get all mushy when she apologizes (she probably will). Let her know you still love her but she can't keep pulling that **** with you. Then go watch TV or hang out in your man zone. If she wants to cuddle, cuddle, but don't talk too much. Repeat this process as many times as needed, and be strong.

If she's treating you like this, you are probably doing too many nice things for her. Get back into some hobby that you've probably sacrificed for her. Hang out with other guys and give both of you a night off.

Some people recommend you stop going down on her, but to me that seems wrong. If you enjoy going down on her, why should you have to stop? That punishes you as much as her. It sounds like massages are your leverage more than the oral reciprocation.

Also, comparing to others only makes you more miserable. Don't ever tell your wife that so-and-so is getting BJs all the time. There's no point, and your wife will just come back and tell you that her ladyfriends hardly ever do it and their husbands are always grateful, and so and so just got a promotion/built a deck/is taking her to Italy and why can't you be more like them?

I can't imagine talking to my sister in law about this. I really really really don't want to think about how much more or less sex my brother is getting; once I know something like that I can never unknow it.

A close friend of mine claims that his wife has really stepped up her game in the bj department, and that not talking about it made a huge difference for him. I'd say this has helped me to an extent, but it's very hard not to talk about sometimes. But try not to. Make it known that you love getting bjs, it turns you on and makes you feel loved, and it really bothers you that she's stopped doing it especially when you do stuff for her. Then leave it alone for awhile.

I don't think there's any magic solution, but general self improvement and changing your behavior in a way that gets her attention would be better than what you've done so far.

But if she used to do it all the time, there's a good chance you can make it happen again. You might not get the holy grail of daily bjs ever again, but you should at least see some improvement. You just have to be smarter about it.

Last edited by nader; 05-30-2012 at 08:58 AM.
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Old 05-30-2012, 08:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

Doing more house work etc won't get her to want to give you bjs. They will reduce her stress and work load, but they won't motivate herto be a gving lover.

The problem is she has decided being a selfish lover is ok, and you've accepted it little by little until it is the status quo. She used to give them because she wanted, because she thought she had to put in effort to win you.

Doing more and more, isn't giving her a reason to work to win you, it's showing her very strongly that's he has won you.

Does seeing her do housework make you want to jump her? No likely, it's just housework, She has the same reaction.
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Old 05-30-2012, 08:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

Big Lion, please don't speak for all women!

There is nothing unfeminine about a blow job, it's one of the most loving things I can do for my husband, and it's as important to our daily routine as hugs and kisses.

For the OP, I'd stop hinting and come right out and say something. Show her this post. If it starts a fight, well, then, it's worth fighting about. Tell her that you feel unloved and disrespected, and that if she doesn't care about that, your relationship is in more jeopardy than you knew. Also, I wouldn't be giving her any more oral or foot rubs until she indicates a willingness to at least make a mature compromise on the issue.

Signed, a FEMALE
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Old 05-30-2012, 08:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

Quote:
and it's as important to our daily routine as hugs and kisses.
He's a lucky guy then

And BigLion, who wants to marry a typical woman?
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Old 05-30-2012, 09:00 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

I know you love her and probably think her kicking and throwing a fit about you not rubbing her feet is "cute". It probably makes you love her even more.

Listen man, you are going to have to make a stand. Nothing is going to change her without some sort of huge catalyst. I feel like, the lack of intimacy can ruin a relationship the same way finding out your wife is cheating can ruin a relationship. It's serious, so let her know it's serious. You have to create a moment where she understands that it isn't cute or acceptable anymore for her to ignore your needs. Of course, this will make you the "bad" guy because you are making this huge ordeal out of her not giving you a blow job. I can't imagine what she would tell her parents or friends. However, is the good guy thing working? I'd say no.

Stop giving in to her requests, do you think if she declined a blow job and you started kicking her, this would be okay? Man up.
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Old 05-30-2012, 09:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting wife to give blow jobs again?

Same boat here. I firmly believe that you have to make her want it/you again. How you go about that will be different for each girl. Just the other night, I kinda ignored her, was in a bad mood, etc. I went to bed alone and was woken up with the greatest sex I can remember for quite a while. This could eventually end up with a sex life similar to what we had when we first met.

Also, we set up a schedule to lose some extra weight we have gained over the years (and after kids). For every 5 lbs each of us lose, I get a bj and she gets a full body massage...DEAL. So far, she has delivered, as have I.

Basically, you just have to find out how to make her want you again. Usually, deprivation. As hard as it is, do not take the sex that is given. Make her wait like she makes you wait, and then she will want it even more.
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Old 05-30-2012, 11:10 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I cleaned the whole apartment, cooked a delicious dinner with no help, washed the dishes, listened to her complain about her job, agreed with her that her boss is stupid, and gave her a massage. All I want is what she at least pretended to like doing before I fell in love. I don't think that is asking to much. I give her nightly massages and foot rubs and she won't take no for an answer. If I don't, than she starts kicking me until I do it. I can't kick her because I'll go to jail. I've tried to bring it up before and it usually leads to us having a fight, so does anyone have any ideas? Maybe some advice on a better way to word my request?
Yes stop requesting it. And immediately stop thinking that by kissing her azz that she'll come around. Stop caving to her "demands" for massages and foot rubs.

It is really sad that men AND WOMEN have been duped into believing that if a man "does more" or "treats her better" that she'll respond favorably and gain attraction for you. It is what the women THINK they want, but they are wrong...and as guys so are we for following it. Women want to respect you, be intrigued by you, and feel like you're a catch and they need to work a little to hold on to you. Deep down in the dark recesses of their brains (and we are not really much different), they want this, even if they do not know it or can't admit it themselves. That "tension" builds excitement and desire. And a desire to please.

Now, this is assuming you haven't dropped off your efforts. You SHOULD always be doing things for her and your house and marriage. And if you have dropped off on that, then yes, start pulling your damn share around the house and in the affection and appreciation departments again (and don't ever stop unless she gives you cause to).

I tried to explain it to my son last night this way: When I've met someone, and throughout the relationship, my level of politeness, giving, chivalry, etc., is always "up here". It is at a constant point with me, and I don't slip out of it after the "honeymoon phase" is over. It is just who I am...from day one. My effort is always high and at a constant. After years I still open all doors for her, still cook for her, still have fantastic manners around her, still talk to her the same and treat her the same as I did on our first days and months of dating. I always do this until she no longer appreciates it or starts taking it for granted. When I see the first signs of that (things like getting snappy, less frequent sex., not focusing on me at all during sex, not helping me maintain our home, being b!tchy or creating drama), I start pulling back in subtle ways (but never on the manners part). Nothing greatly overt, but enough for her to feel a "shift". Enough for her to feel me pulling away. If it continues and she doesn't snap out of it, I pull back more. And I will start doing more for me. It makes me happier, and also creates a little "distance" and good tension. When she starts to feel me pull away, that is typically enough to right the ship. Sometimes it takes some talk along with it, but the "action" of pulling away comes first. If you get in the habit of talking about it, it sounds to her like just so much sniveling and whining, and no woman wants that in a man. If something's bothering me, I will mention it once and make sure I communicate clearly what it is that is upsetting me. If she dismisses that and ignores that, then talking is done and I start acting on my feelings.

There's a balance to it, and it can be tricky sometimes, but at the end of the day, YOU DO NOT REWARD "BAD BEHAVIOR" ON HER PART by kissing her azz hoping she'll "come around" and see what a great guy you are. You don't want that, and she certainly doesn't want that, even if she tells you (or thinks) she does. You "reward" her good behavior by being the same great guy you've always been. When she stops being the great woman she always was, it is time to pull back and get the tension (good tension) ramped up again.

I know some will say "you're playing a game". No, I am not. I am doing ONE THING, (I know this sounds corny), and that is staying true to myself. If she is doing something that is upsetting me, I do not act as though everything is all peaches and cream. I do not act out or get overly angry, but I do not act like all is fine, and I CERTAINLY do not treat her better when she's treating me like hell hoping to "buy" her affection through increased efforts (remember, my efforts are always high). She fell in love with me for who I was on our first date, and every day since. I do not need to artificially increase my efforts (all the while being pizzed off and resentful). THAT is not what makes me happy, and it is being on some level dishonest to both her and myself.

You've got to be the guy she WANTED to give BJ's to at the start. The guy she wasn't quite sure she had wrapped around her finger, and due to that tension she had an extremely high attraction level for you and desire to do things for you to "snag" you and keep you, as well as excite herself. After all, it is exciting and stimulating to have to work to get / keep someone. And if you can give a woman that, she will love your azz to death!
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Old 05-30-2012, 11:20 AM   #14 (permalink)
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This is an easy one you're doing too much and she has no reason to do anything really. The relationship works for her fabulously and she takes you for granted. Time to change that.
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Old 05-30-2012, 11:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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My stbxw used to give bj's sparingly when we were dating and for a while after marriage. Never to completion and only for foreplay. After thirteen years she finally admitted she has never enjoyed doing it. It was always only because she knew I liked it and she hates doing it. And it's all because some douche-bag forced it on her when she was a teenager and didn't let her up until he finished in her mouth. So for her every time she went down on me she was reminded of him. Doesn't matter that I have never forced her to do anything sexual. Never held it over her head. Just accepted that it was the way she is. So, maybe your wife had an issue like that also. Just a thought.
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