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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-02-2012, 09:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default BDSM and Marriage

When my husband and I met 4 years ago we were both into the BDSM lifestyle. However, over the last 4 years after so much emotional downfall affecting us both, I have been finding it very hard to see him as a Dominate figure in our relationship. I seem to be the more stronger willed partner. Granted we primarily only practiced BDSM in the bedroom as we are both nurses and pretty dominate in our work/social lives but I am certiantly submissive in the bedroom. He still has the desire to be dominate in bed but I just can't seem to get into it after seeing him in such ways that I had to be strong for him. Does that make me a horrible wife? I want to get that specific spark back. It's such a fun aspect of intamacy we both found so fun and exciting but I just don't know how to get past my issues.
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Old 06-02-2012, 10:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: BDSM and Marriage

So he let his guard down an treated you as an equal and you no longer respect hm? Is that it? Or is it he turned into a kind a nice guy who tries to pease his wife and he lost the edge?
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Old 06-02-2012, 11:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Sorry, guess I should have been more informative. He has become much more of a "I just want to please you in every aspect" type of husband. Which is cool but as someone who is submissive, I feel the need to have a more assertive parnter. It's just very hard for me to respect him as I use to when he has become kind of a pushover in other areas of our relationship. I went through some very tough times with the loss of 2 family members and I did need him to lean on and he was wonderful at that time. But even though I've told him I'm coping well, it's been over a year since the last death, and I'm ready to get back to normal I feel he is still in the mode of coddling me in a way. I'ts just confusing to me and I've noticed it affecting the way I percieve him sexually. I was hoping to perhaps here from another sub who may have dealt with something similar but perhaps I should really post this in a more relative forum somewhere else.
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Old 06-02-2012, 11:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: BDSM and Marriage

Two books that folks here recommend are the Married Man SeX Life and No More Mr.Nice Guy.both of which might be just what you both need. They deal with the guy slipping into please the wife mode VS leading the relationship.
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Old 06-02-2012, 11:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Two books that folks here recommend are the Married Man SeX Life and No More Mr.Nice Guy.both of which might be just what you both need. They deal with the guy slipping into please the wife mode VS leading the relationship.
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Thanks...I'll look into them. I apreciate the advice.
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Old 06-03-2012, 09:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: BDSM and Marriage

Caitlyn, it's not unusual for folks in the life to switch -- there's no rule that says the same person has to be Top all the time.
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Old 06-03-2012, 10:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Caitlyn, it's not unusual for folks in the life to switch -- there's no rule that says the same person has to be Top all the time.
Sound like she prefers to bottom though.

I think the OP should just talk to him.

He`s probably being a "Nice Guy" due to her recent losses and is trying to ... like she said coddle her due to it.

Just tell him you`ve gotten to a place where you`re handling the losses well and really need his control more than the coddling.
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Old 06-03-2012, 12:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: BDSM and Marriage

Caitlyn, you said you both work, but you didn't mention if you had any children at all? For me (I was never into BDSM thing before but I think it crosses over into everyday situations sometimes) I always has a submissive streak, but was a very confident male who was still the king of my world, when my son was born a switch flipped in me and I became completely submissive at that point. It has also been shown that many caring fathers have a spike in estrogen when their children are born, but I wonder if even just comes about from that point in a relationship where a certain comfort level and transition to LTR happens, and that king of his world hands the reins over to his queen?
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Old 06-03-2012, 01:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: BDSM and Marriage

My husband and I had a very similar discussion last night. While he likes to dominate he also likes to switch it up and for me to be the dominate one. We talked because it was turning into me being "in charge" way too often and it is something that I am just not comfortable with (in the bedroom) on a regular basis.

Plus where he leaves all decision making to me pretty much I find it sexy when he is a little aggressive
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Old 06-03-2012, 03:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: BDSM and Marriage

I used to LOVE B&D role playing! Im great at it since I am so verbal. Hope to find that in my next partner.
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Old 06-04-2012, 09:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I would love to do role playing with B&D

My wife doesnt seem into it but would love to slowly and firmly tie her up, in a hog tie cleave gag her tightly and watch her struggle - to weird?

I would say thats as far as it goes I am certainly not into causing distress or pain ans would certainly never to anythingdo unless my wife and actually wanted to.

Our sex life has improved and I surprised myself that after years of hiding a fetish I came out and told her and she was OK with it - the fetish was black stockings and 5 inch black patent heels - she wears them occasionally and looks so sexy. I did mention I wanted to tie her up but got no reponse and I am not going to push it

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Old 06-04-2012, 10:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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@Tacoma: You hit the nail on the head...I'm def a bottom when it comes to sex. I am a nurse at a military psych hospital so I pretty much have to be on gaurd and assertive 24/7. Not to mention I'm the one to handle all our household activities and chores for the most part. He is a nurse as well but he has from the begining stated and held true that he was and is a Dominate person. This is after all what turned me onto him to begin with. Ours was a purley sexual realtionshiop for over a year, and it gradually became more over time. I on the other hand have been sexually submissive from the get go. It's my way to release after a hard day...to have someone else tell me what to do, how to do it...you get the point. I know this is not an easy concept for alot of women and there's nothing wrong with that. But I am glad you understand where I"m coming from. The thing about it is that I'm not just into your simplistic stuff with rope and such. I tend to wish for quite a bit more devilish kink than that. It's just my personal preference.

@Lon- No kids, nor do we wish to have any. By all means to each their own but its just not something my D/H and I have ever desired and we were open and honest about that before saying I do. So it's just us to take care of us and our amazing 4 legged furry kids...LOL. we have two german shepherds who we treat like kids!

Thank you all for your responses. I usually post questions like this in a BDSM specific forum but alot of times it just ends up being a bunch of wanna be 'Doms" trying to hit on me or some crap so I figured it would be nice to post this topic on a more traditional forum. I'm gald I did.
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Old 08-08-2012, 06:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hi there.

My husband and I actually have a new Podcast dedicated to this very topic: conducting a BDSM marriage, and all the myths, misnomers, reality, and fantasy involved. Since '09 we've given our audience straight-talk on difficult issues with the relatively popular 'Diary of a Dominatrix' Podcast. After we got married, encountered a smorgasbord of obstacles ranging from mutual psychological blockages, mismatched expectations, and things just flat out not going as we'd intended, we took a hiatus from our first Podcast, and then decided to rebrand our new one to highlight, specifically, the pros and pitfalls of this lifestyle choice.

BDS&M: Tales from a Female-Led Marriage

Rather than link to one specific episode, I've given you the main feed above to which you can easily subscribe.

Some things that come up in a BDSM marriage is how to build a solid and healthy psychological foundation, so that your alternative sexual activities don't undermine the marriage; negotiating extramarital activities (for those exploring 'cuckolding' or swinging) understanding the purpose of your power exchange and how it impacts your relationship, and, more importantly, how to navigate the inevitable minefields when dealing with family and friends who don't share in your lifestyle - that's a BIG one.

I'm a therapist who's practised in the 'kink' community for several years now and been engaged in an active BDSM relationship with my husband since 2008.

I'd love any questions you might have, and see how I can contribute to the demystification of this very complex, somewhat controversial lifestyle.

Best of luck to everyone!

-Aubianne
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Old 08-08-2012, 07:42 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You'd be surprised, also, how many men are actually very submissive. The second you indicate that it's okay for them to be, and unconsciously support it, they'll push it further and further to the point where you're the dominant partner.

Trouble is, when an individual has a demanding career or lifestyle, where they have great responsibility and are asked to be 'in charge' of a lot, they really want nothing more than to let go of the reins and be the submissive partner in a sexual encounter.

This can be the breakdown of a relationship. Sexuality is, indeed, more dynamic than we think; both partners should be free and encouraged to explore both sides of the spectrum. Generally speaking, women are generally, naturally submissive - and a lot of men, too. This means, in a random pairing, both partners will be innately inclined towards submission.

What to do? That's a more complex issue. But the 'bottom' line is that both partners be honest with each other about their needs, and approach the situation with empathy and support, being careful to also air out any resentments and disappointment - as those are sadly inevitable when you no longer sync up as perfectly as you did in the beginning.

Here's my advice for you, Caitlyn.

Rather than be upset about how he isn't meeting your needs at the moment, take this opportunity to better satisfy his. You're naturally submissive, right? That doesn't have to be limited to sexual activities. Do you not enjoy seeing him fulfilled? Take a minute to truly reflect on your marriage, and the relationship you share. Just because he's leaning towards exploring his submissive side, doesn't mean you have to invest in leather and change your salutation to 'Mistress' - (although, I'm sure he'd enjoy it as a role-play in the bedroom).

Think of it this way. A person's willingness to submit - their trust, devotion, and desire to place someone else's needs above their own - is a very special gift. I certainly remember the day my husband and I got to the place (long before we were married) in our relationship to where he felt so comfortable with me, so trusting, so in love, that he wanted to submit to me. I'll never forget it. It changed everything.

While nothing ever worth it was easy, remember; the key to that phrase is that it's worth it.

So, consider satisfying your emotional submissive needs by helping to fulfill his current desire to explore sexual submission.

Marriage is compromise!

Good luck.

-A.
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Old 08-08-2012, 08:58 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: BDSM and Marriage

You say you are (present tense) submissive in the bedroom, but you also say you're having a harder time getting into it now. What exactly do you mean by that? Are you still going through the physical motions of submitting, but just not feeling it inside anymore? It sounds like the external submission in the bedroom is still there since he is still dominant in the bedroom and you're still submissive in the bedroom, but the emotional/mental submission has fizzled out for you. For whatever reason, his dominant key is no longer opening your submissive lock. Okay, so that sounded pretty cheesy, but anyway...

So, there's a wall there where there wasn't one before. A submissive's block, so to speak. This could be caused by any number of things, but in my opinion, it usually boils down to the submissive not feeling safe enough - in this case, emotionally - to hand over control.

You've lost respect for your husband. You now see him as weaker than you. Some people won't understand that. After all, many women would love to have a guy who's soft outta the bedroom and can still be rough in the bedroom. I get it, though. I'm attracted to dominant partners (men and women) for long term relationships, although my definition of strong and dominant might differ from yours.

I used to sniff out weakness like a shark scents a blood trail (a submissive predator sounds like an oxymoron, huh). And then the subconscious testing would start...drawing blood just to see if I could, while secretly hoping I couldn't. But everybody can bleed. Everybody, including a dominant. Still, in my stupid, immature way, I suppose I was hoping that if I kept poking, at some point I'd get a roar in response instead of a whimper, and then I could feel secure enough to submit again. Of course, that's not how it usually works, and my respect would keep chipping away, bit by bit, until one day it was just gone forever.

You may not have been testing your husband, but you've been judging him as if he's being tested. You don't think he senses that on some level? You've judged him as unworthy of your submission, as too weak to trust with that sort of power. Maybe you're afraid he doesn't even want the control that you'd like to give him anymore because he's not willing to grab it and take it (saying he's a pushover makes me think so), but have you tried just giving it freely without making him prove himself?

If he was strong enough for you before, then the strength is still there somewhere. Disrespect will probably just snuff it out even more, but if you treat him like that dominant you want him to be again, it might just spark the dynamic back to life. Submission and dominance feed each other, and you can't control the dominance part of the equation without making it totally pointless. Submission fosters dominance. If it doesn't, then it's probably not there to foster, and that's a whole 'nother bridge you shouldn't think about crossing until you're absolutely sure you've come to it.
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