kingsfan

I have been lurking on a lot of message boards over the past few years, just listening to what people have to say regarding sex. I want to have a happy and fulfilling sex life, so why not browse and see what others have to say.

Well, I have an issue in my relationship now, and I'd like some information from men and women. I posted this on another message baord but got almost no feedback. I know it's longwinded, but it is so as to provide plenty of background. I look forward to your comments and information, it seems this message board has a lot of wise and honest posters. Here's my story:

"I've been a lurker for a while on several boards, but always wanted to ask this question because I never seem to get the answer clearly.

Why does oral sex drop/deminish as the relationship moves from the beginning stages into engagement/marriage?

I have currently been with my fiance for 6-1/2 years, living together for about 3 years and we recently became engaged not to long ago. When we first started seeing each other, the oral sex was great, or at least I thought so. I was getting it more frequently than I even wanted it. A few times, I pulled her away from that area because I'd rather make have vaginal sex than have a BJ since I was getting them so often. This was the first relationship I was in where they were offered at all, so needless to say I was in heaven.

She didn't care as much for recieving oral sex because of a situation that happened to her when she was a teenager. It always left her feeling uneasy about receiving oral sex, so I never pushed the issue. I made it very clear, and still do make it clear, that if she ever does want oral sex, she can pretty much guarantee herself that she will get it. I was married before and despite the fact I never received oral sex from my ex, I gave it often, pretty much weekly, and I actually enjoy doing it. So my fiance knows she can have it if she feels like it. And, despite the fact I enjoy giving it, if she doesn't want to provide it, there is no pressure. I refuse to believe that someone has to do something they don't want to, so I will never demand it.

The oral sex I recieved has slowly dried up over the years, and I'd say about four years ago is when it first started to happen. I noticed the change, but I was still getting it as often as I wanted (maybe even a bit more than I wanted at times) and I attributed it to a combination of her adjusting to what I liked as well as the fact the "new" factor of our relationship likely was starting to fade, like all relationships do to some degree. But I was fine with it because, like I said, the amount of oral I was receiving was about the amount I was wanting. I like oral a lot, but prefer vaginal sex much more, as I find it closer and more intimate. Usually, I only prefer oral every once in a while (say 3-6 times a year on average, maybe more if vaginal sex isn't available for whatever reason).

Since then though, the oral sex has dropped to once or twice a year, and I think that's more to do with her feeling guilty or pressured that anything. Because I refuse to pressure her (or any woman for that matter) into doing something they don't want to, I have pretty much stopped even asking for oral sex, and I'd estimate once in the past three years has she offered it to me. I've asked once since last summer, and was turned down.

We have had some discussions on it, even though she's made it clear she doesn't like to talk about it (I think it's because she feels like it's her fault even though I just want to know if there's something I can do to make it more pleasurable/desirable for her), but when we do talk about it she says there are a few reasons, such as her jaw gets sore or her ex-husband pretty much only wanted BJ's, so she doesn't like to give them. Essentially, she has pretty much said, though not directly in these words, that she only gave me BJ's at the start of the relationship because she really liked me and wanted me, so she felt like doing so would help me to become hooked on her.

My question is twofold. First, why is oral sex such a turn off/no fly zone for some women? I have to go by assumption here but, assuming your man doesn't "go" in your mouth, then I don't see what is the big difference between that and a man going down on a woman (outside of anatomy). I don't find oral sex on a woman gross. I respect the sore jaw argument, but, and this is solely based on my opinion so please correct me if I'm wrong ladies who read this, but doesn't rotating between using your mouth and your hand allow your jaw to have a break and reduce the jaw fatigue?

My second question is, if you, as a woman, don't enjoy giving oral sex, do you give it at the start of a relationship anyways? If so, why, and why not keep it up?

I have thought about this issue for a while and made up my mind a long time ago that I was going to marry her, whether or not I ever received a blow job again in my life, so this isn't an issue I'm weighing in my mind. Rather, I'm just a frustrated man who feels like he's missing out on something and is a little upset at the fact I feel like I was falsely advertised to (I'd rather she not do it in the first place than make it look like that was something which was a part of the package).

I'll prefix this by trying to answer some of the questions I usually see pop up in similar threads and what seems to take these threads away from answering the original question. Yes, I am more than willing to do the dishes and other household chores, I try VERY hard to be as kind as I was in the beginning and still buy her flowers and open doors for her and all of that stuff she says she likes. I pay attention to her likes and try to follow along on some things (not all, I can't stomach TV shows) and overall I try to make it a point of being everything I wasn't in my first marriage (even though I think I was a pretty good guy then too). Essentially, I view it as my obligation to be as good to her now as I was in the beginning of our relationship, and try to offer her the same things now as I did then. Obviously, being engaged and to be married in 2014, I think I offer her even more now than I did when we forst started seeing one another. I tell her often that if there is anything I used to do that she feels I don't do now, let me know and I will try my best to do it again. I want this relationship to go as great, and I intend on upholding my end of that.

I know this was a long write up, but I look forward to reading your comments. I'm just looking for a peak inside the mind of a woman, hope I don't get lost (j/k )"

Grayson

My wife and I discussed a related sub-issue a few months ago, that of hef performing oral to completion diminishing after marriage.

She said she hadn't realized it had, while I pointed out that she'd only done it a small handful of times in the 10 years since we'd been married while the 2 years before that had far more occurrences in a much shorter time...or, at least, it seemed that way. The conclusion that we reached was that it was more a perception thing...that, before we got married, oral was an act in and of itself more frequently, while since getting married, it was far more frequently a component of foreplay as opposed to a stand-alone act (meaning oral now seldom results in me finishing, regardless of where).

So, could it be perception in this case, too?
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kingsfan

I'd have to answer no to that Grayson. Because of her reservations of receiving oral at all, there really never has been an offer of oral foreplay to me either. Oral sex for us has always been "to completion" for me. I'll admit I wouldn't mind a little oral foreplay, and I'd assume most guys would say the same, but I don't push it at all and am actually fine without the foreplay. I just want some oral attention period.

That said, there's really no room for a problem with perception. The oral that was there is gone completely. Outside of a few 'pretend' gestures towards going down there, there's been zero action orally in many months and little in the past few years. (BTW, by pretend, I mean she'll start to head that way but not actually start to do anything. I assume it's a bit of a tease sort of thing, but almost always happens just prior to sex so I don't mind to much. But I would like some oral satisfaction from time to time.)

lamaga

Kingsfan, I am in the minority on this one, but I don't think you should put up with this. Oral is a basic sexual need, and if you are married, your spouse should meet your basic sexual needs or have a really good reason why not. All this, "well, she doesn't really want to" crap?

It's crap. And I'm female, so I can say that. It's crap. Why won't she, why? It's the most loving thing she could do. Let's see her write a 500 word essay as to why she will not, and then we'll discuss it.

2nd_t!me iz_best

she gave you the answer.

the oldest trick in the book.

Aristotle

My wife wakes me up every morning with oral sex, 10 to 15 minutes. She will then ride me for about 5 minutes, stop and hug me, and I tell her how much I love her. We get up and get ready for work. Married 15 years.

Rarely do I orgasm in the morning but only if she asks. If I was to ask her to get me off or give me oral until I cum, chances are, this ritual would stop. I could never enjoy watching my wife hurt her jaw, over work her hand and forearms, and bob her head until I thrust in her mouth and cum. I do enjoy watching her slowly enjoy me, kiss on me, talk to me, and just being intimate. Is this something you could appreciate? Would you be okay with turning oral sex into something a little more intimate or do you insist on your wife getting you off?

I don't see how a wife couldn't give oral sex to show her love for her husband, but I can see why a woman wouldn't want to spend 30 minutes (for some of us even more) trying to suck out semen. Maybe I am a nice guy because I feel like crap hitting the 45 minute mark and my wife has been trying her hardest (all out hyper oral mode) to get me off for the last 20 minutes.

To completion is special and hard work, imo.

However she doesn't mind us both 69 to completion, switch who is on top. Try that maybe?

And I am big on wives being unselfish when it comes to our needs, but I seen the big picture. Longevity.

7737

Aristotle- "I don't see how a wife couldn't give oral sex to show her love for her husband".

My wife (been together 21yrs, married 17) has NEVER given me oral in any way, shape or form. She simply refuses "its disgusting", she won't even talk about it but.....enjoys me going down on her. WTF?
I stopped doing it afew years ago...cuts both ways.

Does it mean she doesnt love me?.......???......???

Kingsfan - sorry to hijack your post!.... Although my wife never gave me oral...I would suspect (as do others on here) that once your wife 'snagged you' and you said 'I do', she had succeeded in her mission....the pressure was off. No need to make the effort.

EleGirl

When I really get into sex I enjoy giving oral. Don’t think about it. I don’t plan it. I just lose myself in the moment and do it. I love to make my guy feel that way. Whether it’s till the finish or not depends on the situation. So the men I’ve been with have always enjoyed a good amount of oral, almost any time we are having more than a quickie. Of course I love when I get it as well… the more often the better.

Keep in mind that I’ve always been HD. I’d have sex at least once a day most of the time if I had a partner who was interested in that much sex. So the guys I’ve been with have had lots of sex and plenty of oral.

With me the amount of oral increases in the relationship the more comfortable I am with a guy. I would never use any sex act to catch a guy. What a lousy thing to do to someone. It’s bait and switch.

I’ve had guys use wild sex (and oral) in a bait and switch manner. Then once they think by have me, they forget about foreplay, being playful and enjoying sex. It becomes wham-bam-thank-you-mam kind of sex… oh and don’t forget to do oral on them.. or they get angry. The relationship is dead and I’m out of there when it gets to this stage. Who needs this?

Yes sometimes oral can get to the point that my jaw hurts.
Switching between doing different ‘activities’ does not always alleviate that. If my jaw hurts I usually stop doing it and expect that the guy I’m with will be loving enough to accept it and would not want to me to anything that is hurting and thus not enjoyable any more.

I’ve been in a couple of relationships that became all about bj’s. That’s all the guy ended up wanting. No vaginal sex, noting but bj’s. When that happens IMHO the relationship is over. At that point it starts to feel demeaning and like I’m being used.

About the jaw hurting bit. Any guy who does not understand how uncomfortable it can be to have your jaw hurt and even start to lock up.. I challenge you to go get a cucumber about the same size as your member and try it for a while.

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EleGirl

Hm… why would you marry someone who told you that she is this manipulative? Have you considered what she’s only giving you right now until you are married?

In a good sexual relationships, the things a couple does increases with time. As they get more comfortable and trusting of each other sex should be wilder, fun/enjoyable, and more experimental.

These boards are filled with stories and women and men who completely change after marriage. They stop being sexual, caring, attentive, loving, etc once the rings are on.

My first marriage was like this. When we were dating and engaged we were together 24/7 and having great fun. The week after we married this changed. I hardly saw him after that and when I did our sex life was the last thing on his mind. The marriage did not last very long.

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Marvel212

I would have to agree with Ele girl. I do it because I crave it. It is strange but I get into giving my man bj's I love the reaction I get from him. I dont do it just for him and I'm glad that I dont doing it while not enjoying has to be noticeable on the guys end. About her changing sexually and your not even married. I wouldn't stick aound either. I was in a relationship like this. He only did things to get his way once he got it it stopped for me. Not only does it pertain to sex but a lot of other things as your relationship continues on. Are you really willing to marry this girl is she is already playing you like a puppet?

kingsfan

Thank you all for your feedback, I hope it continues to come in. It's very much appreciated.

I'd like to just address one thing I see in some of the replies, and that is the implication that I am being played or something to that affect.

After I got divorced, I made it a point of trying to step back from time to time and doing my best to objectively view things from the outside, seeing if there were arning signs' so to speak in our relationship. One thing that absolutely irked me after my divorce was that I had a lot of friends and family coming out of the woodwork saying things "yeah, we could see problems" or "we didn't think it would last" yet no one informed me of these concerns.

So now I try to be very objective and pay close attention to how things look, not just to me as the fiance in this relationship, but also if I was on the outside looking in as someone not involved.

All that said, I don't feel like I am suffering badly. I have a woman who I am very much in love with and who I know very much loves me. There is very few areas we don't agree on, and I'm very happy about this since I have made it a big point to also have a much stronger backbone in this relationship than I had with my ex-wife.

Very few things have any problem with me in this relationship, and oral sex is probably the biggest one. After reading some of your thoughts, I plan on sitting down and talking with her about it. It may not get me anywhere, but there's no harm in discussing things in my opinion, if done right.

I guess what I was really trying to guage out of this thread, aside from some input which is coming in, is just how often do woman do this (I like how Elegirl put it, "bait and switch") and why they do it. Is it simply just to "trap" a guy or is there something less manipulative behind it?

Aristotle

I have been very vocal on TAM about wive's bodys being no more important than a man's mind. If a husband is good and pays attention to you, actively takes part in your hobbies, and gives you the small things you want and enjoy, then do the same for him. Even if you feel your body is some sort of sacred temple and if you give it to him when your mind is not into it, then that some how that makes it "rape" or "torture". How can my husband enjoy raping or torturing me!!!!! Pleeaaaaaasse, get over yourself. We are not kids anymore, a woman's body in marriage is the same as a man's mind. Neither is more important, and men would look foolish saying, "Oh, she rapes my mind and asks me to pay attention. When I listen to her when I want to watch the ball game or do one of my own hobbies, it's like torture and I resent her now. How could she do this to me??????" Pleeeeease.

Anyway, with that being said, oral is a different beast all together. If my wife wanted me to go outside and rake the yard each day for 30-45 minutes, I'd have to question that need/want. That's fckn work. A blow job is not something I'd consider easy, at least for my wife. For me to get off, it's work for her. She will have her bangs and the hair on the back of her neck sweaty, slobber all over her face and chest, eyes red from gagging, and very obvious signs of her neck and jaw hurting (elbows and shoulders as well). It's not like making love and I feel guilty as hell, because I can't just orgasm immediately for her when she really really really tries. Do I enjoy it when she goes all out, yes. Do I expect that daily or even weekly? No. Do I think your wife doesn't love you, no. A blow job is a grey area in my opinion. Should a "good" wife at least lick, kiss, or play with a penis orally, yes. I can't imagine my wife thinking something on my body is "gross". That would be a huge turn off for me that would eventually snowball into an avalanche in my mind. Does it mean she doesn't love you? Not sure, but it definitely makes her a prude. You knew ahead of time she wasn't giving you oral, you were okay with it. At least she didn't "bait and switch" on you. Maybe she thinks you want her to go down on her until you cum. Oral doesn't have to be ugly (although I don't find cumming ugly). It can be a beautiful thing if done right.

GhostRydr

I am adding you to my EXTREMELY short list of women I admire.

happylovingwife

Hi. I'm new to the forum but have been lurking for awhile.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 6. When we first got together, we were very young and in college. We did everything but have sex because we were terrified of pregnancy. Needless to say the blowjobs were frequent along with handjobs as a quick release in inopportune situations.

Later, when we felt comfortable risking pregnancy and had more opportunities we moved to intercourse. So in my mind that made me feel like blow jobs were almost like kids stuff. They dropped off to none for years. Lately, after hitting the 30 mark and being off birth control and not pregnant nursing, I've hit a sexual awakening. As part of that and just chance, I started reading these type of forums. A lightbulb went off in my head that my husband would probably like this again. He was just too polite to ask (he's the type of guy that would never want to put me out).

So I started using it as foreplay again. He seemed to really like that and began to tell me that's what he wanted. It's almost like we regressed though because he didn't want me to swallow at first. He told me, "That's disgusting. Just finish me with your hand. You don't have to do that." Even though, years ago when we were teenagers I used to do that for him. So I thought it was odd that he would try to stop me. So then that made me think he would think less of me if I did. So I never bothered because I didn't want him to think I was gross (crazy huh for people together so long). Finally, one night when a bit tipsy, I refused to let him push me off him when he got close. I just did it anyway. The next few times he kept saying, "you don't have to do that" but he didn't try to push me away. Now, he doesn't bother bringing any tissues or clean up to bed when we do that because he knows I will finish. He seems to love it but would never tell me that. I wish he would tell me he likes it. It makes it more worth it but oh well.

My problem is that he now seems to like blow jobs more. He says no that he likes both, but he seems to request blow jobs more frequently than he ever did before. Have I created a monster? I think he's afraid of intercourse because we don't really have a good method of birth control going on so he pulls out. That worked successfully for 3 years, but it does make him nervous. Plus, I think pulling out ruins some of it for him (me too). So maybe he likes the blow job to completion because he gets the feeling throughout without any worries.

Sorry for rambling. I hope I didn't hijack too much. As to your original question, I think my story somewhat answers it. I love intercourse because it makes me feel so connected and it's much less effort. Feeling him inside me is just such a comfort and relief to me. I love oral sex as part of foreplay. It turns me on so much, but I worry he's only going to want that if I continue. I've had 2 kids so I'm worried I'm not as tight down there or something....that something's wrong with my performance...Maybe your wife has the same feelings.

WorkingOnMe

First, pulling out isn't really birth control.

But anyway, if it makes you all feel better, pull out and finish with oral. I can't think of anything better than that. Well, a wake up bj is close.