Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I feel that sex and all other marital duties (clean house, cook, mow lawn, etc...) are all of equal value.
The only way this would work is if both of you have this same mind-set...in otherwords a more transactional viewpoint of sex.
That's kind of sad, in a way, though, because a transactional view of sex means that you will miss the depth and beauty and intimacy that sex between two actively engaged (engaged as in the relationship and in giving to each other) partners is.
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Originally Posted by Clickclick
So, what if... What if wife says "NO" to certain sexual actions (oral, anal, etc...), but the husband desires to perform those actions? What if the husband that is declined certain sexual acts says "NO" to the daily duties that the other spouse desires (help around the house, pay bills, etc...)? What if each time the wife requests a specific daily duty around the home to be performed...and the spouse says "NO" verbally the same way that the wife says "NO" in bed? What if the husband does the ultimate basics around the home?
Wouldn't that be fair?
Firm no's, whether given by husband or wife, need to be accepted as such. You have to be very careful of the nature of the 'pull back' that you are espousing, as it can devolve into passive-aggressive tendencies that will get you nowhere. For instance, since both spouses live in the household, they should both be responsible for a certain amount of its upkeep.
Your better bet is to try and find out the reasons behind the 'no' and if there are actions that you can take on your part to help ameliorate the issues that you may be contributing to the situation.
Wow. Since when did sex become a tit for tat exercise? I understand your frustration, but I think that that attitude would backfire. If my husband felt like he wasn't getting enough sex, I hope he would communicate that to me instead of acting out like a child. Sex loses its beauty when it becomes all about meeting your needs and getting what you want out of it.
As TAG said, this type of action should be taken after discussions have failed (as they did in my case). My wife and I have had numerous talks, read books, counseling blah, blah, blah. Things got better for a while and then back to the same old same old.
I got some results by NOT doing some of the little things she enjoyed as noted earlier. Also, by not doing these things and intiating less, I've detached myself somewhat from the situation and feel less neglected because of it
I have tried for 20 years. We have talked. We have cried. I have ceased doing things she likes. I have put forth extra effort to talk, hug, kiss, pay her attention. We are actually going through a little mental/physical exercise right now...but still to no avail.
The real deal is...anal is not that important. Oral is fairly important. She gives no anal. She very seldom gives oral (due to physical issues)...maybe once every 6 months to a year. When she does...she does not complete the task. I have even suggested manual stimulation...and oral at the very end...but the answer is "no".
So, after 20 years...I thought maybe I would just like to see what the public has to say.
We have sex, but she is like a zombie. She does not participate...unless she is on top. Otherwise she either just lays there or bends over...and constantly says, "quit"..."stop"..."don't"..."that hurts"..."I don't like that"...to the simplest sexual jestures...or "come on and get it and get off". And she will not stimulate herself in any way.
I have tried for 20 years. We have talked. We have cried. I have ceased doing things she likes. I have put forth extra effort to talk, hug, kiss, pay her attention. We are actually going through a little mental/physical exercise right now...but still to no avail.
The real deal is...anal is not that important. Oral is fairly important. She gives no anal. She very seldom gives oral (due to physical issues)...maybe once every 6 months to a year. When she does...she does not complete the task. I have even suggested manual stimulation...and oral at the very end...but the answer is "no".
So, after 20 years...I thought maybe I would just like to see what the public has to say.
We have sex, but she is like a zombie. She does not participate...unless she is on top. Otherwise she either just lays there or bends over...and constantly says, "quit"..."stop"..."don't"..."that hurts"..."I don't like that"...to the simplest sexual jestures...or "come on and get it and get off". And she will not stimulate herself in any way.
That's low. I've admitted to being sexually selfish in my youth. However, I never behaved that disgustingly. I always tried to get into it and make it worth his time. I always enjoyed it. That's probably why my husband didn't put up too much of a stink. This one is just mean. I'm sorry.
I have tried for 20 years. We have talked. We have cried. I have ceased doing things she likes. I have put forth extra effort to talk, hug, kiss, pay her attention. We are actually going through a little mental/physical exercise right now...but still to no avail.
The real deal is...anal is not that important. Oral is fairly important. She gives no anal. She very seldom gives oral (due to physical issues)...maybe once every 6 months to a year. When she does...she does not complete the task. I have even suggested manual stimulation...and oral at the very end...but the answer is "no".
So, after 20 years...I thought maybe I would just like to see what the public has to say.
We have sex, but she is like a zombie. She does not participate...unless she is on top. Otherwise she either just lays there or bends over...and constantly says, "quit"..."stop"..."don't"..."that hurts"..."I don't like that"...to the simplest sexual jestures...or "come on and get it and get off". And she will not stimulate herself in any way.
I don't see how the whole barter thing is going to help you. Even if you get what you want, she's still not going to enjoy it, and apparently she's not a good actress. She's not enjoying sex, she doesn't want sex (with you)... My thoughts... Learn to live with it, or prepare yourself for finding another partner. Because the odds of getting what you want with this one is slim. If you can get her to talk to a sex therapist, maybe you have a chance. But to do that, she might have to understand you've reached a limit, and you're willing to leave because of it.
I've personally tried something like this once. Please trust me, it is not a good idea. The day after she refused me a bj I refused a (non chore, non essential) task that she wanted me to do. When I refused, I used the exact same words that she used to refuse me "I could, but I don't want to". That night, she gave me a great BJ. Really great, much more enthusiastic than usual. When she was done she said "don't ever blackmail me again, or that will be the last one you ever get". Not my finest moment. Not only did it scare the crap out of me, it made me feel, well I won't go there. Suffice to say I do not recommend this course of action.
Yeah, didn't read all of it so pardon me if I'm repeating what someone else said.
Dude.. When you're doing things because you're trying to be fair, it's only ever going to result in things not being done.
You want more sex, you need to figure out what it is about you that needs to change to make your wife have an instininctive reaction of wanting to make babies with you.
Chores are things that are rational tasks. Sex involves emotion and being in the mood. Don't make any connection, and don't try to rationalize yourself into sex because the only role for rationalization is getting yourself out of sex.
Rethink your situation in terms of whether you are making your wife horny enough to want to give you as much sex as you want to have with her.
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The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html
I agree PBear. I don't think the bartering will help either. I just wanted feedback.
Fair enough. I do wish you well... I wish I could have found the switch on my wife that would have turned things around, but we had enough other issues as well that I don't regret my decision. I do regret my affairs, though. They accomplished absolutely nothing, and I lost the ability to tell any prospective partner that I had never cheated.
Her response to you when she does have sex really sucks.
I it were me, I think I'd tell her that she either needs to get some serious sex counseling and try or you're outta there! You could also tell her that if she didn't want to have sex that it was OK but be sure she knows that you won't be celbate and will pursue other opportunities. She's welcome to keep living as your roommate and reap the rewards but you'll seek solace elsewhere
Married Man's Sex Life which is a book that you can also view with kindle through Amazon. The link in my signature takes you to my post about how it's turned around my marriage recently.
__________________
The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html
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Re: So what if... 
