Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I have read a lot of posts on "talk about marriage" regarding lack of sex or a spouse that is limited in sexual actions.
I feel that sex and all other marital duties (clean house, cook, mow lawn, etc...) are all of equal value.
So, what if... What if wife says "NO" to certain sexual actions (oral, anal, etc...), but the husband desires to perform those actions? What if the husband that is declined certain sexual acts says "NO" to the daily duties that the other spouse desires (help around the house, pay bills, etc...)? What if each time the wife requests a specific daily duty around the home to be performed...and the spouse says "NO" verbally the same way that the wife says "NO" in bed? What if the husband does the ultimate basics around the home?
Well, for one thing, sex is best if both people are into it, in my experience. If they're enjoying what they're doing, and what they're having done to them. Whereas the lawn doesn't really care if the person cutting it is enjoying it.
Plus things like anal and swallowing are off limits to people for whatever reason. Same with role playing, multiple partners, etc... Where does the line get drawn? You won't wash the dishes because your wife won't bring another woman into your bedroom?
My thoughts on goose/gander... Don't ask someone to do something you're not willing to do. If you're going to ask her for anal, you better be willing to take that dildo first. If you want to her to swallow, bring a shot glass to bed next time, and put your money (shot) where your mouth is. If you want to include another partner, be prepared to let her pick one first.
And I'm saying this as a guy, who's currently in a very adventurous relationship.
No. If my husband didn't perform oral on me, I wouldn't give him oral. If he didn't want to massage the clit, I wouldn't give him a handjob. Sex acts = sex acts. Dishes do NOT equal blowjobs! It would be more like if he doesn't do dishes, I don't do laundry. If he doesn't take out the trash, I don't vacuum... something like that. You don't get paid sex for doing household chores. They are in completely different brackets. To put them on the same level is ridiculous.
From much reading I have discovered that men feel loved through sex. Women often feel loved through listening, hugging, kissing, helping with chores, etc... So, the purpose is not to truly equal sex to chores...it is to take something away from the wife...that she finds as a message of love...just like bland sex/or declining certain acts takes the feeling of love and acceptance away from the husband. Let's take the oral/anal out of the equation. What if the husband simply wants passionate sex, but the wife lays there "like a knot on a log"? Then, would taking away something that she strongly desires be a message or equivalent act?
From much reading I have discovered that men feel loved through sex. Women often feel loved through listening, hugging, kissing, helping with chores, etc... So, the purpose is not to truly equal sex to chores...it is to take something away from the wife...that she finds as a message of love...just like bland sex/or declining certain acts takes the feeling of love and acceptance away from the husband. Let's take the oral/anal out of the equation. What if the husband simply wants passionate sex, but the wife lays there "like a knot on a log"? Then, would taking away something that she strongly desires be a message or equivalent act?
I think it would be more advantageous to find out WHY this is happening. And not every man sees sex as the way to show love, just as not every woman sees hugging, kissing, helping with chores, etc as the way to express love. For instance, mine is just about spending quality time together. Doesn't matter what is done. Fortunately, my husband doesn't see taking love away as a viable option to try to get love (or what SOME feel as love). Basically, if the wife is just going through the motions, they need to figure out why. If the husband is just going through the motions, they need to figure out why. This idea of "Well, if you won't give me what I want, then I'm not giving you what you want" could very easily escalate to pushing them further and further away, until they eventually split. And, what if they could have figured it out without all the retaliation? What if they could have learned the cause and dealt with it?
I totally agree...but when one spouse has a long list of limitations...and the sexual desires of the other spouse are not met...what do you do? What do you do when the issue has been discussed a million times...with no change? The key to these questions are to send a message...not to be childish. Some people only have an open ear when they experience the same hurt that the other person feels. What are your thoughts?
Exactly like Maricha said, if she's just going through the motions you need to figure out why instead of trying to force out her inner actress. The real question is: Why would you rather she fake it to please you, over finding out why she's not into it. sounds like you want to fix your problem and ignore hers. Kinda selfish huh?
Shot in the dark but maybe she isn't really into pleasing you because she feels you're not interested in pleasing her.
Oh and your thoughts on stopping certain chores you do for the household to hold out for sex acts is absolutely ridiculous to put it mildly. It blows my mind that you think it's a viable option.
Regarding long list of limitations: I had a long list at one time. But then, now that we have been married 12 years, I have become more adventurous. There are things I would like to try, but he just isn't ready/isn't comfortable with. But I am ok with that. Why? Because I love HIM. We have sex, we connect. But we connect in other ways than just in the bedroom. He knows my interests, and should he ever decide he wants to give them a shot, I am totally up for it. If not, I am ok with that as well.
And, I guess that answers the "what if they want only what they want?" huh? He doesn't want to do the more adventurous things (no, not threesomes. Neither of us would EVER allow another person into our bed), and I have no problem with that. I'm not going to go out and find someone who will do all those things. I had the opportunity twice, and I shut that guy down immediately. For me, it is enough that he finds me desirable. It is enough that he wants me, and only me. And, considering what he has been going though lately, he has had next to no interest in sex. Yes, I feel hurt by that...to a point. But it doesn't make me want to withhold any kind of expression of love from him. If anything, it makes me want to show MORE love. To show that, while sex is important to me, his health (physical and mental both) takes precedence and I am here no matter what.
But, each couple is different. The dynamic works differently for everyone. Some women would have hightailed it out as soon as their husband was diagnosed with the problems my husband has. Same for some men. It really all depends on what you want from your relationship.
PBear...I could probably do all of the things you mentioned...
I wouldn't ask for a threesome (wife wouldn't want it)...so I wouldn't worry about having to take another guy in the bedroom...lol...
Maybe she does want a threesome with you and ol' Mike over there, but didn't want to raise the issue. But now that you brought it up, until you do that with her, she's going to stop doing your laundry. Or maybe her tastes run a little darker and deeper, and until you let her bend you over the couch and paddle your ass till you can't walk foe a week, she's going to stop taking the kids to soccer practice.
I'm more with Mavish. If she won't give you oral, then you shouldn't feel "obligated" to give it to her. But for me, that would be cutting off my nose to spite my face... I could (and did) live with not receiving oral for 17 years while cheerfully giving it virtually every time. And I didn't do it because she vacuumed that day, I did it because her pleasure turned me on, and I enjoyed the sights, sounds, scents, and taste.
I ended up deciding that I didn't want to be in what should have been an intimate relationship with someone who didn't want to be in one with me. I wouldn't have wanted her to lay there like a dead fish, letting me do her anally while she was just waiting for me to finish so I would go mow the lawn. But if that's how you want to approach it, knock yourself out. But I sure hope your wife is a good actress, cause if you start making this all transactional, it's STILL not making her like it any more. If anything, I foresee years of building resentment and frustrations.
If you want to do anything, start cutting back on the work you do around the house until you can get her to go to a sex therapist. Work on WHY she doesn't want to have sex with you.
To give my story (hopefully quickly). I was married for 17 years, and the intimacy was a big factor in the final breakdown. Once a week sex started stretching to once a month, the callouses on my right hand got thicker, to call our sex vanilla was an insult to pudding everywhere. She would never get close to finishing me orally, anal was never an option, although a finger or tongue at the right time was the trick to a toe cramping orgasm for her. If she missed having an orgasm more than 10 times throughout our sexual history, I'd be surprised. Yet sex was never on her priority list. And towards the end, she would deliberately avoid intimacy. Staying up till I was asleep, drinking to the point of passing out when we got home, refusing to go on holidays with just rhe two of us...
Eventually, I looked outside the marriage to have my intimacy needs met. I thought if I could fill that need, I could stay in the marriage till the kids were out of the house. I had two brief affairs over the span of about three months, and pretty quickly realized that this wasn't a solution, no matter how good the sex was. I'm very sorry I did that, and I'll always regret that. The end result was what I was trying to avoid anyway; the end of my marriage.
On the other hand, I've been seeing someone since shortly after my marriage ended, and we're very sexually compatible. The only hang up I've found with her in 16 moths is that I can't cum on her face (mouth and chin is fine, though) or in her hair. Anything else goes, and she wants sex with me as often as I do (daily is good), and as wild as we feel like. So there ARE women out there who are sexual. Heck, there's women in here that are just as cool. But I'd be willing to bet if you tried making it as transactional with someone like them as you describe in your original post, you'd get shut down so fast your head would spin.
Good luck on your relationship. I really mean that. I never found the magic button in mine, but maybe there isn't always one.
'Life' comes with responsibilities....as a person, a spouse and a mother.
Relevent to this thread are the responsibilities as a spouse...that means mowing the lawn, doing the laundry, earning money, being a taxi service for the children etc.
Both husband and wife can mow the lawn, do the laundry etc...it, INCLUDING having sex with each other is a marital 'responsibility'
If you don't accept and go along with the responibilities, don't get married, don't have children etc.
Sex is very important to a man.... If his wife does not have sex with him, I agree it is silly for the man to stop, say, mowing the lawn...but what can he do to actually get his wife to understand his needs?
There are many many women for whom sex is not an important part of marriage.
What is a reasonable (or not) request sex wise is up to the individual couple.
One hundred years ago oral sex was probably not the 'norm'....whereas anal sex was probably more 'frequent' due to the lack of reliable contraceptives.
Over time I suspect that anal became less 'popular' (availability of reliable contraceptives and STD's etc) and oral becam more popular. Attitudes towards anal and oral have changed over the years...just has attitudes towards male circumcision has changed.
Personally, I think requesting to receive or give oral sex is perfectly normal....anal??..well lets just say I can understand a wife having reservations it. But how can someone say they don't like something if they haven't tried it? I bet there are women here who were reluctant to try anal but then when they did thought WOW!
Is a husband wanting sex with his wife everyday unreasonable....possibly.... but a husband wanting sex twice a week?...Certainly not.
Harmony in the bedroom leads to harmony outside the bedroom.
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So what if... 
