Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
This is my first post here. I have been lurking for a while looking for some advice and decided to post my story to see if you kind people can offer me some advice.
I am 38 and I have been married for 6 years, known my husband for 15 years and we have two young children together. We get on well, very rarely argue but our sex life is non existent and to be honest has never been great. I have always lacked a lot of confidence in the way that I looked. My husband has never really done anything to boost my confidence. I am 5ft 7in, size 12 and have a curvy figure butI was always flat chested and think this is what led me to having no confidence in myself. When my husband and I did have sex he would never take my top off.
13 years ago I seriously considered getting a breast enlargement. I looked into it in great detail and decided to leave things as surgery carries major risk and if I did have children then my breast would hopefully increase in size then. As previously mentioned my husband and I didn't really a normal sex life. To conceive my children I had to tell him when I was ovulating so we could have sex. My husband also doesn't like having sex in the week as he is too tired.
After the birth of my son and around my 35th birthday I told my husband how unhappy I was about things, especially the lack of sex. He told me he didn't have time for me now but would have time for me when the children were older. I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. He is not a particularly affectionate man and never tells me he loves me or I look nice. I have asked him if he is having an affair or is gay, but honestly don't think this is the case as he very rarely goes out. His reply was no. I just don't think he is interested in sex. When I read on here how men can't go more than a few days without sex I do wonder what is wrong with him!
I know this is slightly different as it isn't a case of us ever having a good sex life and then it going downhill, it has never been great and part of me has accepted that I am never going to change him. However, a couple of years ago, after having my two children I decided to have a breast enlargment. My husband wasn't happy and refused to talk to me about it. He didn't agree with what I was doing and didn't want anything to do with it. I can honestly say that for me it is the best thing I have done and wish I had done it when I was 25. I felt much happier with my shape and felt that my body was finally in proprtion. Following the operation he never asked me what I thought, if I was happy with the result, could he have a look. It took him many weeks before he even saw me without any clothes on.
Following out chat about how unhappy I was, nothing has really changed. I just keep thinking that if it was the other way around and I knew how unhappy he was I would be doing something about it. I feel so lonely and unhappy in my marriage and in my heart know that if it wasn't for the children I would have left him. We have had sex 3 times this year and he tells me what we have is reality and I want the fairtale. Well after reading posts on here I know this isn't reality. I feel as if I have been robbed of a proper sex life and have a lot of catching up to do. I know this is my fault as I married him knowing that the sex wasn't great.
About 1 year ago I met somebody else. We are only friends and we get on brilliant but we are both very attracted to each other. I almost feel that I have met my soulmate. I would never do anything with him because of my husband but it is very hard as he is everything my husband isn't.
What I am asking is, do you think my husband is normal for being so dissinterested in sex? There is no history of sexual abuse, he would never agree to go to counselling as he doesn't see there being a problem. What can I do to change things? I feel as if we go around in circles and have given up. I just feel so disappointed with my marriage and everything I am missing out on. What can I do?
Thank you for reading, sorry it is long but wanted to give you some background.
Either that or he is a heavy porn user and like many married men has come to prefer porn and masturbation to partner sex.
Some medications will also kill libido, especially SSRI antidepressants.
If he ever suffered from any kind of sexual dysfunctions like losing his erection or being unable to ejaculate during sex this can turn a man off partner sex pretty fast.
Childhood trauma, abuse or being the child of an alcoholic parent can cause a fear of intimacy, sometimes subconscious, which makes sex unpleasant. Often this fear doesn't show itself at the beginning of a relationship but rather after it solidifies. Sometimes a wedding or the birth of a child can bring it on. This in itself can cause a man to suffer from sexual dysfunctions which are cause by sexual/intimacy anxiety.
Thanks for your replies. Yes, I have thought he probably has low testosterone but not sure how I can him to the doctors to get it checked. He doesn't seem to think there is a problem.
There is no evidence of any porn use, have checked the computer and nothing. Also when we do have sex it is very good and there are no problems with erections/premature ejaculation. From what I can see he had a happy childhood, both parents still married and he is close to them. He is not on any treatment and has no other medical problems.
I just think he has no interest in sex and don't see how I change this. Part of me is desperate for him to notice me, I take care of myself and am told that I am very attractive, I don't know what else to do. I find myself desperate for sex and to the point where if I am out and see a good looking man find myself imagining having sex with him!!! Sorry, I probably sound like a nutter.
You don't sound like a nutter -- you sound like a normal, and very frustrated, woman.
You can't change who he is. If you cannot convince him that this is a dealbreaker for your marriage, then I don't know what options you have. I'm really sorry.
Thanks for your replies. Yes, I have thought he probably has low testosterone but not sure how I can him to the doctors to get it checked. He doesn't seem to think there is a problem.
There is no evidence of any porn use, have checked the computer and nothing. Also when we do have sex it is very good and there are no problems with erections/premature ejaculation. From what I can see he had a happy childhood, both parents still married and he is close to them. He is not on any treatment and has no other medical problems.
I just think he has no interest in sex and don't see how I change this. Part of me is desperate for him to notice me, I take care of myself and am told that I am very attractive, I don't know what else to do. I find myself desperate for sex and to the point where if I am out and see a good looking man find myself imagining having sex with him!!! Sorry, I probably sound like a nutter.
Thanks for your replies
Was he ever interested in sex? When you were dating and first married (before kids), how was he? Did he persue then? If so, how did you react?
My H was not interested in sex for years. After reading on this site, I thought he might have low testosterone from the symptoms (other than lack of sexual desire) and went from the angle of him feeling better to approach him to see the doctor. yes, I was right. He just started shots and so far so good. He is also feeling better: able to keep his concentration and not feeling so tired in the afternoon and sleeping better.
Following out chat about how unhappy I was, nothing has really changed. I just keep thinking that if it was the other way around and I knew how unhappy he was I would be doing something about it. I feel so lonely and unhappy in my marriage and in my heart know that if it wasn't for the children I would have left him. We have had sex 3 times this year and he tells me what we have is reality and I want the fairtale. Well after reading posts on here I know this isn't reality. I feel as if I have been robbed of a proper sex life and have a lot of catching up to do. I know this is my fault as I married him knowing that the sex wasn't great.
About 1 year ago I met somebody else. We are only friends and we get on brilliant but we are both very attracted to each other. I almost feel that I have met my soulmate. I would never do anything with him because of my husband but it is very hard as he is everything my husband isn't.
What I am asking is, do you think my husband is normal for being so dissinterested in sex? There is no history of sexual abuse, he would never agree to go to counselling as he doesn't see there being a problem. What can I do to change things? I feel as if we go around in circles and have given up. I just feel so disappointed with my marriage and everything I am missing out on. What can I do?
First, I want to commend you for being honest. Let's start with some things you can do.
You are having an affair, and although I am sure you think it's harmless, it's an emotional affair. A lot of people here on TAM feel an emotional affair is worse than if you did something physically, which you said you would never do, yet you feel this other guy is your soulmate. That's pretty baaaad.
Your husband doesn't have a chance at this point, because everything the other guy does so different than your husband, will seem so much better. The other guy is perfect, your husband is flawed. Your husband could turn it up to 3 times a week, the other guy would do it 3 times a day.
Before we go further, this soulmate/other guy, that seems so perfect right now? 3% of affair relationships last after the affair is exposed and the spouse leaves for the other person. Do you want to know why? That other guy isn't going to be perfect, in fact, he will probably be a nightmare. You are bottom feeding and your low self esteem leaves you open for any type of man who will give you any type of attention. End that affair now.
If his sex drive was your biggest problem with the marriage before, it isn't now. The biggest problem now is your affair.
How long after you had your breast done did you meet this new guy? Did you already know him or was it a few years after? I notice you got it late in life, I am just wondering if this new boost also helped with creating this emotional affair.
Quote:
An "emotional affair" is an affair, which excludes physical intimacy but includes emotional intimacy and can begin as innocently as a friendship. It may also be called an affair of the heart. Where one partner is in a committed monogamous relationship, an emotional affair is a type of chaste nonmonogamy without consummation. When the affair breaches an agreement in the monogamous relationship of one of the partners to the affair, the term infidelity may be more apt.
This type of affair is often characterized by:
Inappropriate emotional intimacy. The partner being unfaithful may spend inappropriate or excessive time with someone of the opposite or same gender (time not shared with the faithful partner). He or she may confide more in their new “friend” than in their partner and may share more intimate emotional feelings and secrets with their new partner than with their existing spouse. Any time that an individual invests more emotionally into a relationship with someone besides their partner the existing partnership may suffer.
Deception and secrecy. Those involved may not tell their partners about the amount of time they spend with each other. An individual involved in this type of affair may, for example, tell his or her spouse that they are doing other activities when they are really meeting with someone else. Or the unfaithful spouse may exclude any mention of the other person while discussing the day’s activities to conceal the rendezvous. Even if no physical intimacy occurs, the deception clearly shows that those involved believe they are doing something wrong that undermines the existing relationship. In other words, if there was really no harm in meeting with a friend, both parties would feel comfortable telling their partners the truth about where they are meeting and what they are discussing.
Increased fighting. When a person becomes emotionally involved with a third party, they may view the new person as all good and their committed partner as all bad. This person may blame their interest in the third party on their committed partner, which will lead to increased fighting and strain on the relationship.
An emotional triangle. One that may only be known to the unfaithful, who then struggles to keep the other two from knowing of the impact of one upon the other. Denial will likely characterize the unfaithful person's response to an invitation by their spouse to reflect on the competing demands of the relationship with the other person.
Sexual and emotional chemistry. Sexual and emotional chemistry can present itself based on a physical attraction one might feel for another person. In addition, it can also be related to an increase in dopamine, a hormone that produces feelings of pleasure, and norepinephrine, which is similar to adrenaline and causes an increase in excitement. This may or may not lead to physical intimacy, however, if nurtured it may present itself. The time between the first meeting and a first kiss can often be very lengthy, but the time between the first kiss and sexual intercourse may be very short. In most of these affairs, however, an unspoken attraction exists. A partner may spend extra time getting ready before seeing this "friend" or may buy new clothing or change their appearance in order to seem attractive to them. They may obsess anticipating phone calls, emails or text messages.
Denial. Denial of the presence of sexual behavior, sexuality or even of an atom of limerence. "Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person. It is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual." This denial can be exhibited by the cheating partner and/or the partner being cheated on, especially if the partner cheated on is male. If the cheating partner accepts that the element of sexual attraction exists, however, and physical contact starts, it can cause the current relationship to start collapsing.
Betrayal. There is an implicit betrayal of values, believed to have been shared, about the sanctity of a relationship based on love, of the idea of a soulmate and of being faithful to fundamental agreements underlying intimacy, that are perceived by the spouse not involved in the affair to be a core of their committed relationship and world view.
Also, I am sorry I do not have much to comment on about his lack of sex drive. It could be a number of issues but with the "fog" you are in right now, thinking another man could be your soulmate, it really just wouldn't matter. You say you have been reading this forum and notice you are really missing out on a proper sex life. Please go over to "coping with infidelity" and look at how many men and women are DESTROYED by emotional affairs.
First, I want to commend you for being honest. Let's start with some things you can do.
You are having an affair, and although I am sure you think it's harmless, it's an emotional affair. A lot of people here on TAM feel an emotional affair is worse than if you did something physically, which you said you would never do, yet you feel this other guy is your soulmate. That's pretty baaaad.
Your husband doesn't have a chance at this point, because everything the other guy does so different than your husband, will seem so much better. The other guy is perfect, your husband is flawed. Your husband could turn it up to 3 times a week, the other guy would do it 3 times a day.
Before we go further, this soulmate/other guy, that seems so perfect right now? 3% of affair relationships last after the affair is exposed and the spouse leaves for the other person. Do you want to know why? That other guy isn't going to be perfect, in fact, he will probably be a nightmare. You are bottom feeding and your low self esteem leaves you open for any type of man who will give you any type of attention. End that affair now.
If his sex drive was your biggest problem with the marriage before, it isn't now. The biggest problem now is your affair.
How long after you had your breast done did you meet this new guy? Did you already know him or was it a few years after? I notice you got it late in life, I am just wondering if this new boost also helped with creating this emotional affair.
I can't believe I missed that part of her post. These points are very good.
To the OP - a couple of things to consider:
You may be rewriting your history with your husband. In the fog of your EA, your are justifying your behavior by interpreting what happened before in a negative light, making things seem worse so that you current behavior is not as bad. Ending the EA is critical to allow you to truly evaluate your marriage.
Consider that your EA is effecting your husband's attraction to you. Your invovlement with this other man creates a distance from your husband that he may sense. If that is the case, he may not want to have sex with you for those reasons.
Again, ending the EA needs to be done immediately. If you can't, then be decent and end your marriage.
Thank you everybody for your replies, I really do appreciate every bit of help!
iheart- my husband is 41. I have seriously considered the porn theory but I haven't seen any evidence of it. I know this doesn't necessarily mean it's not happening. I am not very tech savy at all. What is inprivate browsing? My husband often spends time in his study watching tv. His back is to the door and screen faces the door, he usually wears headphones so doesn't hear me when I enter the room. I have never caught him watching anything dodgy. He does go on facebook but to my knowledge doesn't use chat rooms.
Tall average guy- no he has never really been interessted in sex. On our honeymoon we stayed in a 5 star luxury hotel in Mauritius, I think we had sex 3 times in 2 weeks.
Aristotle- I was really shocked to see my friendship described as an affair, I never saw it as that, to me he is just a friend. Although reading through the description that you have posted I can agree with some of these points and it has shocked me. I don't really see him very often, maybe once every 4-6 weeks. I don't see how ending this would make things better with my husband. Is stopping seeing him going to suddenly want my husband to want to have sex with me? Sorry to sound so thick.
I have know him for just over a year and this was after I had the breast enlargment done. I also know he isn't perfect and don't see any romantic future with us. I don't imagine leaving my husband for him. To me he is a good friend who I really get on with.
You and another poster talk about fog, what do you mean exactly? I don't see myself as not being able to think clearly because of my friendship, I certainly haven't rewritten any of the negatives with my husband.
My husband and I aren't particularly close and haven't been for a very long time. We almost live independent lives together if that makes sense. This hasn't happened since my friendship but for a good few years prior to it, at least. So I end this friendship and my husband is going to want to have more sex with me it that what you are saying?
This is exactly the kind of derailing that Amp and Halien were talking about on another thread. LittleMissSunshine came with a specific problem of an asexual husband, and a minor comment about a new friendship became the focus of some posters. Not good, guys. You don't have to project your issues on every single post.
Just a word regarding the emotional affair, since it seems like many others have touched on the bsis regarding your husband and sexual frequency.
Firstly, I don't think it matters if you think ending it with this other man will improve your sex life with your husband. If it's something you shouldn't be doing, and I'll leave it to you to define if you should or shouldn't, then stop. It isn't helping matters any, and there's always the risk it could go further. Even if you don't picture yourself leaving your husband for this man, that doesn't mean it can't change down the road. Or maybe this man develops feeling for you in that way and approaches you about it. Then what? You're in an awkward situation.
Additionally, is it possible your husband knows about this man, and has feelings of concern or resentment towards him? If so, that could be a road block as well.
When it comes to this other man, take a step back and reverse the view. If you husband was engaging another woman the exact same way you are engaging this man, how would you feel? If you can stomach it, then fine, but if not, perhaps that should be a signal to stop seeing him, or at least discuss it copletely with your husband.
My marriage ended for a variety of reasons, but the biggest issue was emotional affairs. My ex got involved in several of them over the 10 years we were together. I firmly believe they all started out as a friend as well, but rapidly grew from there. I'm not saying you'll act the same way, but there's always a risk in my opinion.
This is exactly the kind of derailing that Amp and Halien were talking about on another thread. LittleMissSunshine came with a specific problem of an asexual husband, and a minor comment about a new friendship became the focus of some posters. Not good, guys. You don't have to project your issues on every single post.
Not sure I see it that way. She describes her problem, and then in her own words and unprompted, adds mention of a new friendship that she describes as follows:
Quote:
We are only friends and we get on brilliant but we are both very attracted to each other. I almost feel that I have met my soulmate. I would never do anything with him because of my husband but it is very hard as he is everything my husband isn't.
Those are big red flags (and her own words) I think it is reasonable to question whether her husband is in fact asexual, or whether she is rewriting the history of her marriage.
To the OP - Search the fog in the Coping with Infidelity section. It discusses a spouse in an affair being in a fog, where they don't see things clearly, and where they rewrite their history.
With respect to sex early in the relationship, was he not interested, or did he just not push. That is, would he have been interested but you said or implied that you were not interested at that time. I am trying to figure out if he is resentful or has trained himself to not want sex anymore because he felt rejected by you, or if he is just a lower drive.
If he is lower drive than you, consider getting him to a doctor to get check his T levels and overall health. Also consider marriage counselling to address a need in the marriage that he is not meeting for you.
I do think you need to drop your friend. Despite you later post, you initially admitted that you are "very attracted" to him, that he is you "soulmate" and that "he is everything you husband is not." That is a dangerous relationship if you really want to fix your marriage.
Hey Sunshine...
my wife was a lot like your husband and still is. Up until very recently, we had very little sex. Part of it (for me) is not feeling desired. That is 75% of it. As far as my sex drive, for the first 18 years it kinda matched her drive. I knew she was never interested and I was too passive to push it. I know it is not me because she was a virgin at 25. It took a year for me to take her panties off. I was crazy enough to hang around that long.
It is different now... I let her know what I wanted. I talked a lot on how I felt. Sex went from 2-3 times a month which wasn't even good, until now at 3-4 times a week. My wife has come a long way and I know she is trying. For me... the more sex I have, the better it gets as far as my longevity.
In the past, I have gone several months without it and when the time came for sex... I really thought my junk wasn't working at all.
So I ALWAYS have to be the one to initiate. I gave up on the hugs... Not going to happen unles I am the one to hug my wife first. The words "I Love You" hasn't been uttered in way over a year. In the past, I was always the one to say it first. I don't remember her EVER saying it first.
I can understand it when somebody finds you desireable. It has happened to me. Deep down, I do not want to cheat. I know you don't either.
Try to be more assertive. Make him feel like a man. Give him back rubs. Try anything even if he doesn't respond sexually. You said it yourself... He has always lacked interest in sex. He is just very LD. it may take a lot of work on your part.
For me, I don't want to be the one begging for romance, a date night away from the kiddo, hugs, or my wife saying something goo about my body, especially now that I am working out and looking better.
So I am trying to find things to say to give her confidence in hopes she finds me desireable? Right!
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