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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-07-2012, 02:43 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husbands who no longer want sex from wife, please enter.

I dont want my husbands posting here and I have so Ill have to post from my perspective.

Im very high drive. Have always been.

Both of them are high drive, or at least were when we dated and in the first few years of the marriages.

Husband #1 - married 11 years, together 16, divorced in 1996 became more interested in other women. He also complained that I should do more to be more desirable to him. He would never say what that was that I could do. I admit I was tired and stressed out.
I owned an engineering consulting firm so I worked long hours. I was the major care take for our son. I arranged my office so I could have my son at work very often.

He was in medical school & residency through much of the marriage. I found out later that the issue was mainly that he had plenty of nurses and hospital staff (females) who were willing affair partners. And he had me to support him and take care of our child. Cake eater basically.

Husband #2 married in 2000, divorced in 2012 he decided on no sex 4-5 years ago. Says that he has ED. He will not go to doc to see about it. Hes not ED he prefers internet porn and sexting. Im smart enough to do the work to find this out. He has not worked in 10 years. So I'm the sole income earner for all those years and I raised our children, and did all the things it takes to take care of a household. He spends all day surfing the web, playing computer games and sexting when Im not here.

I have my faults. Like anyone Im not perfect. But a person cannot fix things if the other will not talk to them and will not work on things. So when the withhold spouse also refuses to talk about issues, refuses to work on issues and sneaks around to do things like cheat, sexting, etc.. they IMH own the responsibility for the problem.
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:40 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
For me, the direct asking is off-putting. But the subtle touching, or greeting me at the door in an apron...ya that totally works on me. With oral on her I'm in fairly new territory. It's only been in the last year or so that she's allowed it at all and I feel like I would be enthusiastic about doing it pretty much any and every time.
Just peeking in...can you guys explain why it's off-putting to just be directly asked? I am just curious if you could elaborate.
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:41 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Good question, Kag! My H loves it, because he spent many years in a virtually sexless marriage, plus he likes the whole contrast between my outer persona and my in-bed persona. But I wouldn't mind hearing more from the offput crowd.
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:44 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by kag123 View Post
Just peeking in...can you guys explain why it's off-putting to just be directly asked? I am just curious if you could elaborate.
I guess because by my wife's tone of voice, she could be asking me to pick up a gallon of milk on my way home. But in my case, as I think with Working, there's more to it than that. It's the general feeling of not being desired. That this is just another occassional chore she's checking off her list.
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:46 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Oh, OK, GTDad, I misunderstood, I thought you were offput by the directness of it, as if it wasn't demure enough or something.

I get what you are saying now. Working, was that what you meant as well?
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:50 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Aristotle View Post
It seems the LD males are lurkers or just unable to use the internet for whatever reason. Maybe they have a low internet drive as well. If you are a husband who no longer wants sex from his wife, or thinks your wife just wants too much sex, please come help us out. We have a lot of threads here where your opinion (no trolls - real husbands are needed) would really help. I'd like to understand was it years of rejection, is it the fact you are just not attracted to your wife, no longer interested in sex because she is boring in bed, maybe interested in another sex, porn addiction and prefer to masturbate or the drive for sex is just gone. I suppose I am more interested in a young to middle age guy that just has no sex drive. That seems to be the problem on the forums from some of these wives. No real reason, just no sex drive. If you could give us your age, that would definitely help some of us relate.

We seem to have HD wives, LD wives, and HD husbands on the forum, but the elusive LD husband is hard to find. Maybe because it's like being gay? Something they'd prefer to just NOT talk about?

Some of the threads here just completely blow my mind. I am not sure if the wives are exaggerating, leaving out a big piece of the puzzle, or just creating a problem from something they've created. I'd absolutely love to get some responses from the LD males.
I'm not sure my experience counts, but I think it's somewhat applicable and may explain how LD husbands operate.

Firstly, I'm not a LD man. I'm a HD and have been in all my relationships. However, in my first marriage, even though I was the one asking for it, I didn't really 'want' it. Rather it was more a case of having a need and only one source to meet that need. Just because I went to her for sex, doesn't mean it was a big thrill for me.

The reason I say my experience might be applicable is because if I had to go through what I went through in my marriage as a LD husband, I can guarantee the sex would have likely dried up completely.

I'm not going to get into long-winded details here, for sake of people skipping over it as a tl;dr post. But my ex-wife really turned me off sex as much as likely is possible with me.

Even though I am the kind of guy who would take sex daily or almost daily if I could, by the end of our relationship I could go a week without even thinking about having sex with me ex-wife. The reason for this is I think I felt very emasculated by the end of the relationship.

Now in hindsight I also let it happen, but in a very slow way, over the course of several years, my wife wore me down from being an outgoing guy who would hang with his friends and party to a guy who was almost afraid to not rush right home after work and would rehearse how my day went down to the last detail just so I was sure to be able to answer any question she had. If I was five minutes late getting home, I had better have a good excuse, or the argument would come.

So Aristotle, when you say "was it years of rejection, is it the fact you are just not attracted to your wife, no longer interested in sex because she is boring in bed, maybe interested in another sex, porn addiction and prefer to masturbate or the drive for sex is just gone," I can say yes to all of the above except for being interested in another sex. Never had gay or bi thoughts. My sex drive would come and go, and in hindsight I think it had a lot to do with being looked down on by my ex-wife. I was laughed at for masturbating, so I lied and said I never did that and just became good at hiding it. Porn was looked at as so-so when we were first dating and became completely taboo after.

I would say I lost my sex drive as much as I could lose it from the ages of 27 to 30, and we seperated when I was 30.

I know if I was a LD husband, all of the negativity she directed towards me would have pretty much destroyed my sex life completely early on. As it was, I'd say we had sex maybe once every two-three weeks over the last three years of our marriage, and that was only because I was a HD husband whose desire got the best of him and who had no other means of a release.

I think I stayed because I just assumed this is how marriage was and my family and friends didn't say much of anything. After we seperated, I was bombarded with a lot of "We figured your marriage wasn't good," comments, but no one really sat down with me and even asked if I was happy, and I felt like I had no right to complain because I genuienely thought this is how marriage was.

Thankfully, I've had a relationship and sexual 'awakening' since then and while I don't have an ideal sex life, I do have a decent one and I am constantly in the mood for my fiancee. My drive is as high as it's been in about 15 years, and while I am at times frustrated because I want more sex, I'm glad that I have the desire back to a level where I think it should be and I have the knowledge to know that what I want sexually and relationship wise is not out of left field. It's normal, healthy and justified. I'd love to be able to go to my ex, show her a site like this and just say "See, this is right, this is normal. I'm ok, not some weirdo creep."

I hope this helped and I hope I didn't distract from what you were trying to accomplish with this thread. Hopefully this thread will generate some answers for both men and women. Kudos to you for starting it.
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:51 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Not sure I can put it into words. Maybe it's that it feels like she's being dominant and controlling. When you're denied for a long time, then when you get it it's always on her terms it seems unbalanced. I want her to respond positively to me, not pick and choose when I get some. Also, her being direct like that is like telling me I should have initiated but I failed to.
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:51 PM   #38 (permalink)
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I found out when I married that my, now, ex-husband's sex drive was pretty well non-existent. I was a virgin when we married, so was clueless that foreplay would be the only thing on his agenda. He enjoyed arousing me, but apparently had little / no need for penetrative sex. I was told by a therapist that he was asexual.
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:58 PM   #39 (permalink)
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I dont want my husbands posting here and I have so Ill have to post from my perspective.

Im very high drive. Have always been.

Both of them are high drive, or at least were when we dated and in the first few years of the marriages.

Husband #1 - married 11 years, together 16, divorced in 1996 became more interested in other women. He also complained that I should do more to be more desirable to him. He would never say what that was that I could do. I admit I was tired and stressed out.
I owned an engineering consulting firm so I worked long hours. I was the major care take for our son. I arranged my office so I could have my son at work very often.

He was in medical school & residency through much of the marriage. I found out later that the issue was mainly that he had plenty of nurses and hospital staff (females) who were willing affair partners. And he had me to support him and take care of our child. Cake eater basically.

Husband #2 married in 2000, divorced in 2012 he decided on no sex 4-5 years ago. Says that he has ED. He will not go to doc to see about it. Hes not ED he prefers internet porn and sexting. Im smart enough to do the work to find this out. He has not worked in 10 years. So I'm the sole income earner for all those years and I raised our children, and did all the things it takes to take care of a household. He spends all day surfing the web, playing computer games and sexting when Im not here.

I have my faults. Like anyone Im not perfect. But a person cannot fix things if the other will not talk to them and will not work on things. So when the withhold spouse also refuses to talk about issues, refuses to work on issues and sneaks around to do things like cheat, sexting, etc.. they IMH own the responsibility for the problem.
I'm assuming by now you've looked at that Great Porn Experiment TED lecture if not on your own then via one of my various posts including it.

What jumped out at me (and daggeredheart's story bears this out) is that INTERNET COMPULSION / ADDICTION is a component of porn addiction. That it's the pointing and clicking at an every more rapid pace (several windows open at a time, fast-forwarding through the porn, etc.) that is at the heart of the issue. In other words, the two are so intertwined, they cannot be separated.
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:59 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Ah, Working, I do get that. Once again, context is all.
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Old 06-07-2012, 04:01 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Oh, OK, GTDad, I misunderstood, I thought you were offput by the directness of it, as if it wasn't demure enough or something.
Yeah, it's sort of complicated, but let's put it this way: if I thought she was truly into me, I'd have no issue if she came out with a "Let's f*ck!"
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Old 06-07-2012, 04:12 PM   #42 (permalink)
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^^Mavash, I think you are on to something here. I consider myself to be a fairly alpha, HD male who is pretty modern and open-minded in my thinking.

My wife went through a hormonal shift a few months back, and went from being pretty LD to being HD over the course of a few weeks. We are pretty sure it was hormonal, because in additional to her sex drive changes, her skin became oilier, her pubic hair grew thicker, and even though she had been working out regularly for a long time, she rapidly gained muscle and strength. I even think her clit got larger, but she doesn't think so (she doesn't see it as often as I do).

I found myself feeling like I couldn't keep up with her sexually during this time, and at times it made me feel inadequate. Like I said, I consider myself to be modern in my thinking about sex and gender roles, and I was having a hard time adjusting, I couldn't imagine how a less "enlightened" male might have felt.
Your's and Mavash's circumstances are not the major reason why most men who choose to stop having sex with their wives do so.

It does not explain why a man whose wife is HD and willing to give him alll the bj, all the hand jobs and anything else he wants just becomes disinterested in sex.

There are different issues that cause this.
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Old 06-07-2012, 04:26 PM   #43 (permalink)
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AS a wife who was denied sex for almost a year... I learned a lot along the way.

I'm the HD dominant type. Yup, I agree that being too overbearing or coming across like a "man" can kill things.

Men have egos and feelings (gasp!), They will harbor resentment just as much as women will, and if their ego (self esteem) is not really strong, they might drop sex if they are feeling "dissed". This flies in the face that men want sex, whenever. Not true.

Some men equate emotion with sex, and masturbation as physical release. they would never think of laying one out on their wife, they can't relate to their wife as a physical release. Some can. So if they are really stressed or not able to connect emotionally, masturbation is ALL they can manage.

The rest of the reasons? I quit looking. that was enough for me.
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Old 06-07-2012, 04:42 PM   #44 (permalink)
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"Maybe because it's like being gay? Something they'd prefer to just NOT talk about?"

Despite the obviously homophobic tone of the question the answer lies in the attitudes of non Refusers. Don't forget in a sexless marriage two people are not having sex and there are lots of men who don't want sex with their wives that would love to explain why and talk about it......but it isn't worth the grief.

So I doubt you are going to get very many male Refusers posting on here. The reason is simple, every time one does, whether it is here or especially over at the sexless marriage group on the Experience Project, they basically get crucified by the majority Refused. So don't hold your breath. I will say one thing though, this LD-HD stuff is not a good way to describe most of these men. Most refusing men in a sexless marriage have plenty of sex drive, just not for their wives. I suppose technically if you are talking just about the marriage then LD sort of describes it but the better way might be to call them NSIW- Not Sexually Interested in the Wife. Other women yes (whether or not they follow up with that) porn...often.....boredom...very common...lack of attraction definitely. But if you made a list of 20 reasons why some husbands don't want sex with their wives being a gay man trying to pass for straight in a marriage is #50.....unless he lives in some tiny redneck backwater somewhere down south and even then, in this day and age...........

Last edited by Mr B; 06-07-2012 at 08:51 PM.
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Old 06-07-2012, 04:42 PM   #45 (permalink)
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That is a great post deejov. Maybe it makes me a bad person, I don't know, but I can really relate to not being able to use my wife for a simple physical release. Some girlfriends in the past, yes. But my wife? No. And I can't imagine that she would be receptive to that either.

I guess I'm just not willing to reduce my wife to a simple sex object to be used. I get the impression that some wives may be open to that as a small part of an overall good sex life, but for me I think it would be the beginning of the end for us.
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