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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-07-2012, 04:50 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husbands who no longer want sex from wife, please enter.

Okay... I'll bite.

I'm 33, married for 3 years but have always been LD. Part of it is depression issues that are just coming to light. However, I'm content with sex once a month or so (I went years in college). I go through masturbation porn phases, but can often go weeks/months without even masturbating.

However, at the end of the day there is always something else the exacerbates the LD. In our case, my W has gained a fair amount of weight, we had horrible communication issues and lots of resentment. This slowed things down immensely and I don't even want to have sex with her. The emotional and physical attraction has been totally poisoned. We are working with a MC, but it's tough.

Cheers
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Old 06-07-2012, 05:15 PM   #47 (permalink)
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That is a great post deejov. Maybe it makes me a bad person, I don't know, but I can really relate to not being able to use my wife for a simple physical release. Some girlfriends in the past, yes. But my wife? No. And I can't imagine that she would be receptive to that either.

I guess I'm just not willing to reduce my wife to a simple sex object to be used. I get the impression that some wives may be open to that as a small part of an overall good sex life, but for me I think it would be the beginning of the end for us.
Maybe you're a bad person because you CAN'T just use your wife for release? Hm.

This helps explain more why you don't want sex to just be a chore for your wife - you want it to mean something (?)
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Old 06-07-2012, 05:17 PM   #48 (permalink)
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J_3, while I appreciate you sharing, what are you working with an MC toward? you don't seem interested in continuing the relationship.
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Old 06-07-2012, 05:24 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Bad because my wife may have felt I wasn't attracted to her. The balance wasn't always so balanced.....in the past I had learned to be somewhat satisfied with just a physical release.
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Old 06-07-2012, 05:27 PM   #50 (permalink)
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J_3, while I appreciate you sharing, what are you working with an MC toward? you don't seem interested in continuing the relationship.
Agreed, I'm having a really down period in the relationship and it is probably coloring my opinion.

The point was more that LD does exist, but other circumstances are typically exacerbating the issue. Finding the root of those issues is how you would address it.
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Old 06-07-2012, 05:30 PM   #51 (permalink)
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That is a great post deejov. Maybe it makes me a bad person, I don't know, but I can really relate to not being able to use my wife for a simple physical release. Some girlfriends in the past, yes. But my wife? No. And I can't imagine that she would be receptive to that either.

I guess I'm just not willing to reduce my wife to a simple sex object to be used. I get the impression that some wives may be open to that as a small part of an overall good sex life, but for me I think it would be the beginning of the end for us.
This is where I think the LD/HD battle of wills starts... one is usually willing to give more, the other doesn't want it simply given... this used to be an issue with my dh and I. Just because I was not as horny as him, didn't mean I wasn't willing to take the time, to love him. Initially however (young and nieve) I resisted but then I was like I love him, I don't want him going somewhere else, etc, so I started giving more willingly... but then he started complaining about that, that I wasn't getting off, I was like well it was for you... not me, and I wasnt a fish, I participated for him! It was a no win situation for me, because either way he was pissed, say no he's pissed do it and not get into it myself he isn't happy and the tremendous amount of pressure was unreal so we went through a rough patch, except him because he always got off, whether he says it was the "type of sex" he wanted at the time or not... that's what I don't get about men... but in any case...
So then he agrees to meet me in the middle, to tone down his level and me amp mine up, but more on my own in my mind so that I am also happy with our sex life... so that goes on a while and things are good. Then, (hormones) my drive picks up, things are going along great, and BAM his drops out.... so now I see how it feels. It sucks. It sucks to just want some closeness and your spouse says no because they think something innocent means you want sex.... I would LOVE to see THOSE Men talk in here, not the same pissed off ones who refuse to compromise, or who have wives who refuse to compromise. For the record he is 35. Just over the last 10 months working out, dropped like 25 lbs, muscled up, looks great.... says he loves me, isn't interested in anyone else.... but then again some of the things I read on here, many men stay with their wives for their kids, and put on happy faces (I did at one point think he was interested in someone else)... We have been working on our relationship, but the desire just isn't there... (perfect example I come home today for lunch, we lay on the couch together he says I'm thinking... I said, oh about what? he said you naked and fell asleep about two minutes later) Nice huh... and I have lost weight too..... weigh less then I ever have since I met him (by a pound or two) so do I believe the one post on here that says he just doesn't want it with me? Because he is a man? He wants it somewhere? just not with me? I'm just curious because y'all are a curious bunch.... hard to understand and hard to figure out... and this is a crazy struggle.... he used to be so full of life, so touchy feely, even despite being turned down, never stopped him, he was groping, peeking tom in the shower, etc... now I barely get any of that... so the men who are not getting it from their wives under these types of circumstances, have they found it somewhere else? Clearly he is too young to have low T issues.
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Old 06-07-2012, 05:37 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Bad because my wife may have felt I wasn't attracted to her. The balance wasn't always so balanced.....in the past I had learned to be somewhat satisfied with just a physical release.
Ah...yes.
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:08 PM   #53 (permalink)
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My H has pretty much always been LD (for > 15 years ever since our very first hot dates together). I've always been HD but slightly less so as I age (we are in our 50's). I suspect my H might have low testosterone but I am still working up the nerve to ask him to get tested to find out for sure.

I'm very interested to hear what happens with Shiksa's husband, if he improves after he gets shots for a while. Hm, I wonder if SA's husband has ever tried testosterone shots - it would be so interesting if he ever does (in the name of science) to find out if he then started chasing SA around the house and talking dirty.

I'm guessing it is partly a matter of low T for my H, but also his basic personality. He isn't touchy-feely, he is reserved, is very self-controlled and self-disciplined (he does no impulse eating or spending) and ultra-responsible, has an unvarying daily routine (sex throws that off I guess), and is not a risk taker. He is not overly beta - I would say he is a good mix of alpha and beta - he is thoughtful but not a 'pleaser' and is more of a leader type than I. He is not naturally physically or emotionally affectionate, e.g. he wouldn't come up and hug me but but he does like it and respond well if I hug him.

He likes sex about once per 7-14 days. It is not unusual if a month goes by without him initiating. Until recently (we are currently trying to have sex more often now), I gave up initiating because I could tell he wasn't very into it and that hurt my feelings, so I decided to just wait until he let me know that he was. I have never said no to him and I enjoy giving him oral etc. (I would love to do any/all every day if I could). I ask him if he has any fantasies he'd like to try and he says 'I can't think of any'. I am the one who tries to spice things up, he would be just fine with the same vanilla sex in the dark (though he will go along with what I want).

He doesn't watch porn (he is almost never touches his computer or phone), not the affair type, doesn't seem gay, doesn't seem to masturbate (he wants to save his libido for me). He doesn't seem depressed or stressed or overworked, is healthy and fit (jogs daily almost without fail), and is not on meds. I am thin, and fairly good looking. We don't argue or have any tension between us that I'm aware of, but we seem mostly like household partners and co-parents as opposed to being sweethearts or lovers. I don't think I turn him on that much, but it is hard to imagine him being different with anyone else after the infatuation stage dies down.

I never brought up the subject that I'd like sex more often until just a few months ago. So recently I've been initiating again and he is responding somewhat well to it. I would say my H has 'responsive desire' as opposed to 'spontaneous desire'. When I initiate he sometimes seems a bit nervous, as if he is afraid he won't get aroused, and tells me 'maybe in a while, let's see what happens'. But then he always does get aroused if he comes back to me and lets me try.

He enjoys sex and is a considerate and gentle lover which is very nice. He is trying harder to initiate more often and that makes me happy. The only problem is that it is still not often enough for me and often it still slips to > 1 week in between.

When I initiate, it is very important to give him some time to mentally prepare. I can't just jump him. I have to say 'Could we spend some time together sometime today or later tonight?' and give him the chance to choose the exact moment to come back to me.

Most LD husbands are not going to be on this forum unless they are men who became LD only after their wife continually turned them down for years, cheated on them, or shot down their confidence. Most guys who have always been LD are fine with it and don't think there is a problem (except for their Ws complaining about it). I do think my husband has always sort of known he is LD and probably is a little embarrassed if he stops to think about it, but doesn't feel it is a big enough deal to ask for help. He probably thinks it's it is on the lower end of normal. And it would be just fine if I were LD also.
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:33 PM   #54 (permalink)
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As some have stated, not all husbands who do not want sex with their wives are LD. They just do not want sex with their wives.

When this happens, it if bothers the wife they the husband should be honest to the wife so she can leave the marriage. If he does not want to work on the marriage then just let her to stop wasting her time.
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Old 06-07-2012, 10:17 PM   #55 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by J_3 View Post
Okay... I'll bite.

I'm 33, married for 3 years but have always been LD. Part of it is depression issues that are just coming to light. However, I'm content with sex once a month or so (I went years in college). I go through masturbation porn phases, but can often go weeks/months without even masturbating.

However, at the end of the day there is always something else the exacerbates the LD. In our case, my W has gained a fair amount of weight, we had horrible communication issues and lots of resentment. This slowed things down immensely and I don't even want to have sex with her. The emotional and physical attraction has been totally poisoned. We are working with a MC, but it's tough.

Cheers
It must be amazing to be free from this urge. I assume you have a great job, many degrees, and a lot of cool hobbies. Sometimes I will sit for hours thinking of what me and my wife did last night or what we will do tonight. It's almost a mental block that stops me from enjoying other things sometimes. I can be watching the greatest movie ever and if it's getting late, just want it to end so I can make love to my wife.
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Old 06-07-2012, 10:18 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Run like Dog, would you mind sharing your age?
Mid 50's ish
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Old 06-07-2012, 10:20 PM   #57 (permalink)
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Old 06-08-2012, 12:51 AM   #58 (permalink)
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As some have stated, not all husbands who do not want sex with their wives are LD. They just do not want sex with their wives.

When this happens, it if bothers the wife they the husband should be honest to the wife so she can leave the marriage. If he does not want to work on the marriage then just let her to stop wasting her time.
Just because he doesn't want sex doesn't mean he does not like being married to her or, at least being part of the family they have created together. And it certainly doesn't always mean he doesn't want to stay married to her. Often when the sex stops they have been married for years, maybe decades. So how to you tell your wife that you are no longer sexually attracted to her without hurting her deeply?

Many men don't know the answer to this so they either say nothing or make up something vague.

Often an excuse arises from the lack of sexual desire in that when he does try to have sex with her he suffers from sexual dysfunctions caused by a lack of desire and she only sees the dysfunction, not its cause, and so becomes focused on what she sees as a physical problem with no inkling of the root cause. This takes the heat off the husband as far as telling the truth goes because he can keep promising to go to the Doctor to get "checked out" but somehow never seems to find the time. Or, if he does go he gets a prescription for erection meds that he either never fills or doesn't take. Or, he says he has taken but they didn't work.

This obfuscation can end up going on for years and often the wife gets so frustrated and tired of nagging him to get his "problem" fixed that she just gives up. The husband, whose sex drive and erectile abilities are completely normal, can then carry on enjoying whatever sexual release he has come to prefer be it porn and masturbation, an affair or a buddy with benefits free from the pressure of a sexually unhappy wife.
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Old 06-08-2012, 02:29 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Just because he doesn't want sex doesn't mean he does not like being married to her or, at least being part of the family they have created together. And it certainly doesn't always mean he doesn't want to stay married to her. Often when the sex stops they have been married for years, maybe decades. So how to you tell your wife that you are no longer sexually attracted to her without hurting her deeply?
There are many cases where the husband does not want sex with his wife within a short time or within only a few years of marriage… when they are both young.
When the wife still wants to have an active sex life, and the husband refuses, he is already hurting her terribly.
Hurting her as badly as when a wife refuses to be intimate with her husband.

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Many men don't know the answer to this so they either say nothing or make up something vague.
Is this really supposed to be an acceptable excuse? So you have no problem with women who refuse to have sex with their husbands?
Sex is part of marriage. It’s emotional abuse for any spouse to unilaterally withhold sex from their spouse. Yes there are medical conditions, but there are ways to handle those and usually some solution can be found for even those.
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Often an excuse arises from the lack of sexual desire in that when he does try to have sex with her he suffers from sexual dysfunctions caused by a lack of desire and she only sees the dysfunction, not its cause, and so becomes focused on what she sees as a physical problem with no inkling of the root cause. This takes the heat off the husband as far as telling the truth goes because he can keep promising to go to the Doctor to get "checked out" but somehow never seems to find the time. Or, if he does go he gets a prescription for erection meds that he either never fills or doesn't take. Or, he says he has taken but they didn't work.
Are you really suggesting that this is ok for a man to handle things this way? You have got to be kidding!!!!
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This obfuscation can end up going on for years and often the wife gets so frustrated and tired of nagging him to get his "problem" fixed that she just gives up. The husband, whose sex drive and erectile abilities are completely normal, can then carry on enjoying whatever sexual release he has come to prefer be it porn and masturbation, an affair or a buddy with benefits free from the pressure of a sexually unhappy wife.
I can hardly believe that you are suggesting this as a solution that is acceptable. What a piece of work.

So you are advocating a man lying to his wife and cheating on her?

So what do you think of women who refuse sex with their husbands and then go out and have affairs? You ok with that as well?
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Old 06-08-2012, 02:52 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Maybe theres not many ld men on here because they don't see there is a problem.

My partner hates to even talk about sex but when i do get him too he will always say there is no problem with him its just my problem because he is happy with what we have.

He also says if i want more initiate more which i do to get turned down and end up feeling worse.

I don't think i am boring in bed i'm in to trying pretty much anything as long as it only involves the two of us.

I've put on a bit of weight but not loads and i am losing it again.

It is very hard tho when the one person in the world who i want don't want me as much.
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