EleGirl

Read "Mr G's" post above. He seems to think that he knows why men choose to use sex as a way to emotionally abuse their wives. I have a sneaky suspicion that he's telling us how he operates.

Take a close look at your husband. It is really worth feeling rejected all the time?

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7737

I can fully understand where RLD is coming from....

I dated my wife for about 4 years before marrying her 17 years ago. Whilst we were dating sex was never 'wild' but it was OK. After marriage and two children it dwindled.
I so wanted to have a 'normal' sex life with my wife....I wanted spontenous sex, I wanted to have long kissing sessions, I wanted to go down on her, I wanted to hold her hand on walks, I wanted her to txt me in the middle of the day to say she couldnt wait for me to come home...wink wink! I crave that 'spark'.

I really tried to make these things happen....despite working 10 hour shifts (night and day) I would do more than my fair share round the house, with our children, buy flowers, go on dates with her etc.

She turned my advances down more and more often....she refused to discuss our lack of sex accusing me of being sex mad (I wouldnt call wanting to make love to your wife 2-3 times a week excessive!)
over time I simply became conditioned not to want or expect sex.
It got to the point where I would have to make a specific effort (watching porn) to get turned on and masturbate simply to empty the tanks. If you dont have 'wet' dreams you need to empty the tanks or risk infections.

I really want to want my wife sexually...I want her to want me...sadly she makes virtually no effort....also she smokes (we both gave up 20 years ago, she started aagin about 2 years ago)....even if she hasnt had a cigarette for 6 hours and uses mouthwash etc her breath still smells simply repulsive...which doesn't help.
Her constant rejections over the years has also left me feeling resentful towards her...I have tried, and on the whole succeeded, in being a good husband and father yet she has denied me something that is very important not only to me but in any marriage.

So, like RLD I have been re-programmed. I am now at the stage where I want to re-program back to being sexually 'aware'.
I am 47.... I want to have a fulfilling sex life with someone I can really connect with...I want to give her mind blowing O's, I want her to want to do the same for me. As you get older you need more and more stimulation...I want to make the most of what I was given before it shrivels up and falls off!

So yes, I am sure there are lots of husbands who no longer want sex from their wives....because they have been programmed, by their wives, not to want it.

deejov

I don't think how you are as a person is bad or good... what matters is how your spouse perceives it. Communication. It gets more complicated if a guy thinks that way... and is also not able to just be affectionate without getting horny. So it's all or nothing.

I also think there is a tendency there to hold resentments or judgements. And draw a line in your head between emotional connection and intimacy.

deejov

I totally understand and relate to what you are saying.
However, I don't believe for one second that anyone has the ability to put 100% blame on their partner.

Marriage is about learning each other's love languages, needs, and compromising until you are both happy.
There is always a solution, I do believe that. Different personality types CAN learn how to live together, if they learn how to compliment each other instead of aggravating. Sometimes it's just too hard of a battle, though. And too much of a sacrifice to your own morals and beliefs.

So if you are true to yourself, stick to your beliefs, and have boundaries, you will have no one to blame. You will be proud of yourself.

7737

Deejov - thanks.... I hear what you are saying. Sure I'm not perfect....and I beleive in compromise, meeting half way. I do things I sometimes don't want to do...its life.
My wife has NEVER, and has sworn she never will, give me a BJ of any description. I even suggested I wore a flavoured condom...'Over my dead body'.

So whilst you can't place 100% blame on your partner, you can sometimes place 85-90%.

There are lots of women/wives out there, also some husbands/men though alot less, who simply arent interested in sex and won't even contemplate meeting their partner half way.

'I don't care what he wants...its gross, disgusting and I dont like it, so I'm not doing it. End of'.

(sorry for hijacking!)

kingsfan

You aren't a bad person. I view my fiancee the same way. If I ask her for sex, sometimes I'll get an "if you want to, I guess so," type of answer. I never take her up on it. I want her to want me too, not just be with me because she feels like 'yeah, it's been a while and he wants it so I guss so." My fiancee is not a sex object, she's the literally the other half of me when we make love. I don't want to sully that.

Maybe you should explain to your partner that in a relationship your problem is his problem and vice-versa. That's how a relationship works.

I had the exact same line used on me many times by my ex-wife. Any time I'd try to talk to her about sex, it'd last maybe 30 seconds and end with some comment along the lines of 'Well, I don't want it more. If you want it more, then go find someone else.'

Eventually, after I seperated from her, I did just that.

I learned that life is like driving a car towards a brick wall. Why drive into the wall you can see coming when you can go around it and keep going down life's road?

I hope you talk to him and explain how A) Your problems are his problems and helping you through them is what a good partner does, sex related or not, and B) The 'you deal with it' attitude is just driving a wedge between you.

kingsfan

Just to add one more comment to the thread about LD, explaining how the constant rejection makes you feel is key.

In my current relationship, We had a period of about 2 years where sex was about once every two or three weeks. Not enough for me, not even close. I'm a 2-5 times a week guy, so that was driving me crazy.

I tried talking about it a few times, and was blown off a few times, about it. FInally, I said to my now fiancee that it really hurts when I offer her my body, mind and soul in a very loving way and she feels it's more important to play a game of cards on the computer than even give having sex with me a fleeting thought.

After explaining that to her and how really that was what she was doing night after night, she said she hadn't thought of it in that light before. We've upped our sex life noticably since then and in the 2-and-a-half years since, we've gone without sex for more than a week only once. It was eight days and she had a death in the family, so completely understandable.

I also said that our relationship had gone on for a length of time now that we needed to start dicsussing what we were going to do long-term, and explained that while I loved her, I wasn't prepared to commit long-term to a relationship in which a happy sex life wasn't available.

Between these two points, it was a bit of a wake up call for her and she was willing to discuss things more openly. It really made a huge difference.

I'm not saying that anyone needs to use these comments to get the sex life moving at a better pace (though you can if it is true by all means), I'm just stating that if you can find the right angle to approach a conversation with your LD spouse, it can be what you need to get the conversation flowing.

Runs like Dog

Not all dogs go to heaven. Sometimes the urban dance-off doesn't save the youth center. Not every problem is fixable.

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Mr B

Look... why the hell are you personalizing this? I am simply reporting on some of the things I have learned during years of research and years of therapy on the subject of sexless marriage. What I write has nothing to do with me personally and I neither agree or disagree with it....it is what it is. My situation is totally different and I never talk about it in any kind of detail online....ever.

michzz

I think this thread lumps together more than one thing.

There are people who have a low libido based on hormone/age/health issues.

there are other people who do not desire their wife specifically but have no libido problems generally.

There are others who have drug problems, mental problems, etc.

And I am sure there are other issues as well.

walkingwounded

Fascinating reading.

I have been posting about my problems with my "LD" H. Thing is, I have come to realize that my H ISN'T LD. I think on balance he is the same drive as he has ever been. It's just the perspective from me has changed.

For us there have been dynamics at play that a) I did not realize and b) could not have anticipated. I have realized that the frequency we have or do not have is not related precisely to how attractive he finds me but involves a handfull of different elements at play.

I feel like I am finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. For us, his "LD" factored in things including fear of pregnancy, tiredness from work, my correlation of how much sex we have = how attractive he finds me, my confidence and esteem issues after his EA and how he felt sex was more important to me than anything else. It has taken a little while to work all of this out.

So I think now the libido WAS allways there but often expressed in different ways : sometimes it was sex, other times masturbation, porn or other methods that involved "selfish" pleasure for him whilst denying me ( that is, selfish in the context of dysfunctional rather than partaking in those activities as part of a healthy sex life.)
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Cosmos

This sort of behaviour sounds most unhealthy and extremely abusive. If someone is simply no longer attracted to their partner, they should be honest and set them free so that they can find a more fulfilling relationship.

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lamaga

This is a public forum, so everyone can post, and hooray for that!

Having said that, I agree with Cosmos and others above, Mr. B's ideas are a bit unproductive.

(See? That was nice. Wasn't I nice?)

Feisty53

My 57 yo husband has had medical issues that have wiped out his sex drive. Prior to that however, about 80% of the time when I would initiate, he couldn't perform. at all. It was frustrating for both and I didn't want him to feel any worse than I knew he already did, so I just stopped initiating. now, with his zd, and I am asking, he throws the no initiating in my face. I don't know if that is a defense mechanism, or if he has always been upset about this, with brain injuries, it is hard to tell. It is extremely challenging to talk about sexual wants and needs.. to open yourself up to that, when, at a later date, your partner uses that information to hurt you. I am not domineering, but I am not a doormat, either. Thankfully, he finally has consented to see a psychologist that specializes in sexual dysfunction and neurological issues, so hopefully some of this can be resolved. I guess I can live without penetration, if I have to, (He suffers from ED as well, right now), it is the closeness, really, that I miss. We had a frank discussion, and I am in a lose-lose situation. If I initiate right now, he feels too much pressure, and if I don't, I get blamed because "why should he always have to start it?". It got left at this. I will never deny or stop any advance from him, he understands that I am a willing and waiting partner. I will actively participate, but let him lead the way. This may not be the right approach, but until a doc gets in his head, it is the only one we have at the moment

EleGirl

There is one time when I do put 100% (or the largest portion on blame on one partner)... when that partner refuses to do the work needed to improve the marriage.


We are all flawed. Everyone of us could do better. When one spouse is willing to work on fixing things and the other refuses then the blame for the marriage failure goes to the one who refuses.

I've seen this in so many marriages.

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Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters