What sex are you allowed to 'expect' in marriage?

kingsfan · 06-08-2012, 02:21 PM

As an engaged man who is already divorced, I plan on talking about everything, even what has been discussed several time over already. Our wedding date is just over two years away, and I set that date for a reason. Saving money was one, but communication is the other. And while sex is not my biggest priority, it is something which is a top five priority for me, so I want to make sure we are as in sync as we can be before the big day. I had a failed marriage once and I do not want to be that guy who is twice divorced. I know the stigma that comes with the label of being a 'divorcee', it seems 10 times worse as a double divorcee.

I plan on talking to her about everything from the color of the napkins to if she's willing to have sex on a tightrope, lol. Communication is the big key to anything, especially sex.

Sawney Beane · 06-08-2012, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kingsfan

Essentially, this is where my question came from. It seems agreed to that people can expect sex in a marriage, but there isn't even a reasonable guideline on what type of sex, how often, when, etc.

I agree with the expectation to get what you got before marriage, to a degree, but even that leaves questions.

Over here in the UK, there's an expression used when you are told you have a "choice" of things.

"You don't actually have a right to choose anything, but you are entitled to express a preference". It's a bit like that, it seems, for a lot of folks. You have a right to hope for certain things, sexually, in your marriage, but when it comes down to it "You'll have what you're given, and you'll like it".

Quote:

Originally Posted by lamaga

You're right, Kings, but that all comes down to communication. Or more precisely, lack of communication, without which this board would not exist. It'd be good if people talked this out before marriage, but they don't. This is one reason that the wedding industry makes me nuts -- people spend more time discussing the color of napkins than they do their sexual expectations.

Because people are expected to keep schtumm about any sexual expectations - in fact, you are expected to NOT have expectations. After all, expectations are putting pressure on your partner! Sex, it appears, should become perfect for both partners by luck, magic and osmosis, but certainly not by anything as base as discussion or expectation!

lamaga · 06-08-2012, 02:27 PM

"if she's willing to have sex on a tightrope"

I don't recommend it, Kings...there's the whole chafing issue

WishIknew5 · 06-08-2012, 02:27 PM

I wouldnt call it an expectation, but if you have pre-marital sex a certain way before then why should it stop after you say "i do". That would kinda make one beleive that type of sex was like ohh i just acted like because i wasnt married, but not that we are married I cant be like that anymore...why?

kingsfan · 06-08-2012, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lamaga

"if she's willing to have sex on a tightrope"

I don't recommend it, Kings...there's the whole chafing issue

Only one way to find out

livelaughlovenow · 06-08-2012, 02:31 PM

Oral is expected in my marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device

Sawney Beane · 06-08-2012, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WishIknew5

I wouldnt call it an expectation, but if you have pre-marital sex a certain way before then why should it stop after you say "i do". That would kinda make one beleive that type of sex was like ohh i just acted like because i wasnt married, but not that we are married I cant be like that anymore...why?

Because:

"Nice married people" don't do that sort of thing;
They never really liked it but felt they needed to do it in order to get their partner to marry them;
Now they're married it should just be "nice" without any effort;
They don't G.A.S.

etc, etc, etc. Read the messages - you'll find plenty of reasons from both men and women.

Sawney Beane · 06-08-2012, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kingsfan

I plan on talking to her about everything from the color of the napkins to if she's willing to have sex on a tightrope, lol. Communication is the big key to anything, especially sex.

And if she says "I don't want to talk about stuff like that..."

What are you going to do?

WishIknew5 · 06-08-2012, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sawney Beane

Because:

"Nice married people" don't do that sort of thing;
They never really liked it but felt they needed to do it in order to get their partner to marry them;
Now they're married it should just be "nice" without any effort;
They don't G.A.S.

etc, etc, etc. Read the messages - you'll find plenty of reasons from both men and women.

The why was out of frustration....not a question. But i agree with you. Its like wow...how did this happen all because we got married

tacoma · 06-08-2012, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cookie99

Seriously

Rights and expectations are meaningless when it comes to relationships with humans in a marriage or any other relationhsip. It is what you experience is what you get period!

Until you change your experience.

kingsfan · 06-08-2012, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sawney Beane

And if she says "I don't want to talk about stuff like that..."

What are you going to do?

If she never talks? Leave.

Marriage sucks in every area, not just sex, when communication isn't there. I have a 10 year relationship/marriage with my ex to prove it.

Toffer · 06-08-2012, 03:20 PM

Additionally, if is correct to 'expect' oral, anal, etc. if that was what was offered when dating and prior to being married, but that stopped at some point after marriage (once again, assuming no physical or other disabilities causing this issue). Does one partner have a right to expect the other to maintain what they had done prior to marriage?

Yes! This!

sandc · 06-08-2012, 03:30 PM

My wife would be willing to give me whatever I desired of her. I am willing to give her whatever she desires of me. If both partners are not willing to give full sexual access to the other partner, then they really shouldn't marry.

Now if something is hurtful or painful that's another matter. But a mere preference should not be enough of a reason to not do something sexually.

lamaga · 06-08-2012, 04:01 PM

Sandc, that's it exactly. If my H wants me to let him eat peanut butter off my knee, then I'm going to do that. It may not be what I'm into, but if it doesn't hurt or disgust me, then why not?

one_strange_otter · 06-08-2012, 04:09 PM

I agree and expected that whatever happened during dating should continue into the relationship. Otherwise you feel like it's a bait and switch. which unfortunately happens to lots of guys (and girls I'm sure).