kingsfan

I think that marriage includes an expectation of sex. It seems from reading these boards that that is an agreed to statement, assuming no severe physical on other diabilities which would prevent that.

That being said, what type of sex is one allowed to expect in marriage?

For me, I think it's limited to vaginal sex, with all other forms being optional, and up to both partners to agree too. Reading these boards though, I sense that not all agree with that and may feel oral or even anal is expected.

Additionally, if is correct to 'expect' oral, anal, etc. if that was what was offered when dating and prior to being married, but that stopped at some point after marriage (once again, assuming no physical or other disabilities causing this issue). Does one partner have a right to expect the other to maintain what they had done prior to marriage?

PBear

I never "expected" anything other than vaginal and me giving my wife oral, as that's what we had prior to being married. I would have enjoyed more, and tried to encourage that, but it was no-go.

With my current GF, we do pretty much everything now. If our relationship continued and got more serious, I would "expect" that to continue, until there was some reason why not. Would I end the relationship because she suddenly stopped allowing anal? No, probably not. But I would expect a candid discussion rather than a decision on her part for it to stop.

C

lamaga

I'm in the Dan Savage camp, I think oral (both ways) is a basic sexual need.

Anal is a whole 'nother thing and has to be negotiated. Honestly, not all men want it, not all women want it.

StatusQuo

kingsfan

While I have never tried to Lamaga, I don't want it either. If I ever did try it, that might change, and I do have a very mild desire to see what it feel like, but if I never got it in my lietime I don't think I'd even pay it any mind.

tacoma

I expect what I married.

There are reasons why I married who I did and their sexual repertoire is one of those reasons.

If I was getting it prior to marriage I expect it to continue.

happylovingwife

I agree with others. What happened prior to the exchange of rings should continue after. I actually gave my husband less sex when we were simply living together and only engaged. That was my selfish stage when I was working.

Neither my husband nor I have much desire for anal. I'm a little bit curious about it but hubby thinks it's disgusting. I would never ask him for it because I"m only curious and dont' want him trying something he thinks is gross.

WorkingOnMe

I expect enthusiasm. I expect her to be into me.

lamaga

Well said, Working! Alas, it appears that that is too much for some.

Cookie99

Seriously

Rights and expectations are meaningless when it comes to relationships with humans in a marriage or any other relationhsip. It is what you experience is what you get period!

lamaga

I'd have to disagree with you, Cookie. I have the right to be treated with respect. I have the right to be safe in my own home. And I have certain expectations as to sex. Now, if I made a bad choice, I have to own that, but to say that people have no rights in human relationships?

I would have to strenuously disagree with that.

Sawney Beane

I would say this represents a reasonable level of expectation - that it will not manifestly worsen, outside of serious health / relationship issues.

I think expecting it to improve once you are married in terms of quality, through understanding and practice, is a reasonable expectation too.

However, reading these boards would lead me to believe that these are NOT in any way reasonable expectations.

There is a strong feeling that if you get married, you are entitled to a reasonable sex life. However, you are NOT permitted to hold any expectations whatsoever of what the frequency, quality, variety and delivery of that sex life will be. And if you do, you are holding "unreasonable" expectations.

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kingsfan

Essentially, this is where my question came from. It seems agreed to that people can expect sex in a marriage, but there isn't even a reasonable guideline on what type of sex, how often, when, etc.

I agree with the expectation to get what you got before marriage, to a degree, but even that leaves questions.

lamaga

You're right, Kings, but that all comes down to communication. Or more precisely, lack of communication, without which this board would not exist. It'd be good if people talked this out before marriage, but they don't. This is one reason that the wedding industry makes me nuts -- people spend more time discussing the color of napkins than they do their sexual expectations.

arbitrator

Whatever the physical norm has been either in the marital or the premarital relationship, in all reality, should continue.

All too often, when it doesn't continue that way, one or both partners may be using certain aspects of marital sex strictly as a ploy or even as a reward, per se, to manipulate the other partner into satisfying some element of a non-sexual need of theirs. Such behavior is often counterproductive and is detrimental to the welfare of the marital union and to the overall relationship.

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