lovesherman

It was always normal for us to have a great sex life, and I would go so far as to say it is the glue that keeps our marriage strong. Staying connected sexually helps us overcome resentments, petty quarrels, and bonds two very different people together.

We are a very good match emotionally--both have love languages of words of affirmation and touch, so it was never difficult to make each other feel loved in a way that we could appreciate.

My husband is very romantic, and I love mush, so we keep the fires burning that way. I admire and respect him, and he makes me a priority in his life. He knows how to show his affection with little gestures that mean so much to me. We are both passionate people, and love to express that to each other.

SimplyAmorous

I have always been a very Romantic - "wrapped up in my man"- life is about "togetherness" type woman.....For me.....living would be colorless without Romance in it ....I had to have my hearty slice of that....and we all know Romance inevitably leads to the deepest rushing feelings of desire, culminating in passionate SEX! There is no way I could ever hate sex -unless I got a brain injury.

Though, unfortunetly.... I did get side tracked in our marraige with kids & left him on the back burner for a time....

But even then.... I still craved sex terribly at least once a week ..... I was so "turned on" when we got into it, swimming in his kisses, it was over way too damn fast, we couldn't help it..I remember thinking there is no feeling on his earth to = this... the highest of the high........Looking back....we could have done so much more. My mind seemed to be going in 10 different directions back then or something. I consider myself HD, probably always was ....but the brain wasn't in touch with the vixen within.

I am absolutely sure the #1 reason I want to take my husband down all the time.....is because of how he treats me....I know he wants me too ().....plus I am addicted to orgasms. (who doesn't love pleasure ??!@#$%^&)

This would be quite the issue if my marraige sucked.. This is why I know I would never be able to remain with a LOW DRIVE man who rejected me, I would say "screw that" - I am leaving you!

On the other hand...I would feel sick, hollow, and desperately hurt if I questioned my husbands feelings for me.... He doesn't have to be perfect, we can have issues , some conflict, fight now & then....but the stars DO need to align ...in his LOVE for me, I need to know I am his one & only... we are in this together- whatever the H we might be dealing with.... he is not sleeping with me while thinking of a co-worker or an old flame, that sort of heart betrayal.

Couples can stay together for vows, play house & push themselves to please each other having sex ...but if the heart is filled with ugly emotions & has jumped over the fence to daydreaming about another...what is the "screw" worth...it is devoid of the emotional at that time.... Masterbating alone would be superior. How tragic when one starts to feel this way!

Any kind of difficult hard emotions not delt with can destroy a giving emotionally connected passion - with our spouse.

That's how I feel. It is that important.

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"Love Good Blog"

southbound

This thread has been an eye opener for me. As I said, I'm sure things like this have been mentioned in a round about way, but i just thought i would take it from a different angle; instead of "Why does my wife not want sex," I wondered, "Why do some wives want sex regularly and seem to have no problem with it?"

I can understand things temporarily putting a damper on sexual desire, like stress, being overworked, health issues, etc. I'm sure if one has the flu for three days and is bedridden, I'm sure sex could take a back seat. But I never understood how someone who is married, healthy, and leading a fairly typical life could not want sex on some kind of regular basis with their partner. How does one's body just shut down and not want sex?

I wasn't in a marriage where we had sex only once a year, but even after we married, she quickly got down to once a week, and down from there. She could often go 6 weeks without showing a sign of sexual needs. The weird part is that when we did do it, she acted like she really enjoyed it. She would even make a flirty comment about it the next morning, but that didn't seem to make her want it more often. I could count on one hand the times we did it two days in a row. She even acted like anyone wanting sex often was a bit weird. If we had sex on Monday, for example, especially if there was something a little above and beyond about it, she acted like that should satisfy me for a long time. If I was in the mood again Wednesday or Thursday she would say something like, "what's the matter with you, we just did it Monday." She did say that in a sweet way, but still.

Whenever she was in the mood, however, she didn't act like turning her down was an option. I was married to her for 18 years and never knew what turned her on, and yes, I asked. I know that sounds silly, but it's the truth. There were no things that was a sure fire turn on to her. She might suddenly be in the mood after we went to bed and might say, "I thought it was sweet when you said you liked my hair." I'm thinking, "I've told you a thousand time before that I liked your hair and it never got a reaction.

After we had children, they were rarely away from us. A few times when they were at grandma's or something at night, I thought that was a great opportunity for us. But she would rather watch tv or something and act like i was a nut for thinking we might have sex since the kids were gone.

It's refreshing to see that some women enjoy sex as a norm and it's not a chore and the husband doesn't have to be perfect.

lovesherman

Do you think that her desire for sex was determined by her cycle? Sounds like that would have been a very difficult thing to change.

SunnyT

Normal for me... and no, I don't understand LD women or LD men.

I'm 49, H is 55.... we have daily, mind-blowing sex... no complaints.

My ex (married 23 years) talked HD, but only delivered once a week. And the last years were only physical. So ya, I can go both ways.

Sex is NEVER a chore.... I know it will work for me, and I HOPE it works as well for him, and of course I try to make that happen everytime. I also don't understand women who use child care as an excuse not to have sex. To me, that is comparing apples and oranges.... being tired from chasing kids, sure.... unwinding and then getting wound up with sex is the cure!

I like sex when I'm tired, winds me down. I like sex when I wake up...gets me going. I like sex when I'm sad....comforts me. I like sex when I'm angry.... (ok, I can't remember the last time I was angry)...but it USED to just be fun to have rambunctious angry sex, like an outlet. I like it when I'm happy, headachey, mushy, ....whatever. Sounds very emotional... but I can still enjoy it without the emotional connection. It's just a different level.

kag123

I am at the mercy of my cycle. I don't know if it will always be this way, but I have been completely off BC for 2.5 years now. During my mid week, I want sex 3+ times a day. I don't really care what else is going on in my life or his, I need sex. The world could be exploding and I wouldn't let that stop us.

During all other weeks, I have a take-it-or-leave it drive. I keep it consistent for his benefit but its one of those things I have to write myself a post it note to do. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy it once we get started, but I wont have that spontaneous desire. During those times I can be affected by something going on in our relationship. If he's been an exceptional @ss that day, I will probably postpone sex until I am less angry. Its not about punishing him, its about not wanting to be close to someone who did something so ugly. Doesn't happen often (though it's been happening more lately...hit a rough patch).

I think you have to be truly HD to not let anything get in your way.

I can understand a LD viewpoint.
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Coffee Amore

I've read posts from female TAM posters who correlate getting help with housework with providing sex. I'm not one of those women who needs the dishes washed and the carpet vacuumed in order to have sex. Frankly, I don't see a connection between a clean home and sex. My mind doesn't work that way and I'm not making a value judgment about those who think that way. It's just not me. If I have sex it's because I'm turned on and I want it. I don't care if the house is messy.

Everyone has minor faults and shortcomings. I know I do. My H does. But if he gets me turned on, I'm good to go. He's so giving and generous in bed as he is in other parts of our shared lives that I don't deny him. Denying him would be shooting myself in the foot because I'd be depriving myself of a good time too. I don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

I can have sex for the physical enjoyment. However, I need to be emotionally connected to the person so I'm not one of those people who could have NSA sex or friends with benefits type sex. I need to be attracted to my H to have sex. He's strong in the areas where he needs to be and a nice guy in the areas where he needs to be. He's a good mix of alpha and beta. He's no pushover and I like that. I also like that he's not domineering and into playing mind games. It also helps greatly that he's fit. He's had pretty much the same weight as when I've met him. The physical attraction is a huge part of me wanting to have sex with him.

Like SA, there was a period in my life where I was in Super Mommy mode. Everything I did revolved around my role as a mom so I had little personal time for my husband. Gradually, I came to the realization, after some not so subtle hints from my H, that I was ignoring us as a couple. I realized we had gone from a couple centric marriage to a kid centric marriage. So I took it upon myself to change the dynamic in our marriage.

Enchantment

I've always been cyclical...mid-cycle and I can have spontaneous desire and it comes more easily. I think about it more, have a physical urge for it more, come after him more.

Outside of that time my physical desire drops off a lot (now in perimenopause the drop is really noticeable to me and can be very abrupt). During those times I think about it less, I don't have a physical urge for it, and I need a bit of help from him to start things.

I am also greatly affected by my physical condition - so fatigue, sleeplessness, illness - do a really bad number on my physical desire levels... and then it can take me some time to get back 'in to the groove' if I have gotten out of it.

I have noticed that for myself, the more consistently we do have sex, the better and easier it is. For me, the main driver is not physical, but mostly emotional. I crave that emotional connection with him and that drives me more than my body.

But, it seems like keeping things consistent all the time from a purely physical perspective has been more difficult at the stage of life I am in ... so we 'go with the flow'. I have some months where I will feel that high physical desire all month long, and the next month ... nothing. So, I try to 'ignore' my body and its signals, or lack thereof, and instead focus more on him ... using my mind and emotions to propel my 'drive'.

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Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

southbound

You're comments are things that sound normal; maybe I've read too many RedBook articles while waiting in the doctor's office, but my wife was the opposite. Sex din't make things right for her, everything had to be right first. She didn't want to when she was tired, or sad, or with a slight headache. And I've heard people talk of "make-up" sex; she thought the idea of that was crazy. Her emotions and environment had to first be perfect before she could be in the mood.

That makes sense. It seems like with you there are times when you're not as "in the mood," but would still enjoy it once you were there. If I were a butt for a day, I could understand her not being in the mood, but I could realize it and make a point to be prince charming for a month and it didn't seem to help.

My x always seemed to enjoy sex when we were doing it, but getting her in the mood was the killer. I've had women tell me that there are times when they are not in the mood, but they are open to their husband trying to get them in the mood and seeing what happens, but not her. She was either "In the mood" or she wasn't. If she wasn't, no amount of anything was going to get her there.

I'm not trying to get people to diagnose my x, I just have a lot of personal examples of LD with her that i can offer. I hear some women say there are times when their body isn't in the mood, but in their mind, they want sex. I think my wife was satisfied in her mind that she was LD. She wasn't interested in trying to change anything.

Enchantment

There's a wide variety of sexual expression and sexual desire that's entirely normal, in my opinion. Women's desire, I believe, can be more complex than a man's. But, that also allows her to have the capability of having a much richer experience, imho. I tell my husband that what I wasn't given on the front-end, I have been blessed with on the back-end.

The following is a good article ... maybe your wife fit into the 'responsive' desire category... someone who responds more than being spontaneous. I think many women fit into this category.

The Truth about Female Desire | Psychology Today

I don't think you can look at female sexuality and 'judge' it by a male standard (and vice versa). They are just different. And many women, maybe like your wife, do judge themselves against that standard and if they are not spontaneously desirous they assume it's just a no-go because they aren't 'in the mood.' That's too bad she wasn't willing to try and GET 'in the mood' with you.

Ah, the joys of marriage for many is to try and overcome those differences, appreciate those differences, learn to 'work' those differences for the betterment of both.

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Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

dream_weaver

I have a HD & so did my ex but things changed & I stopped wanting sex with him when he stopped showering regularly & his personal hygeine took a nose dive.If he wanted sex he would have a shower at that time but was going days between showering I didn't even want to sleep next to him let alone be intimate.....

My new partner has much better hygeine so we can get it going on whenever without worrying about showers beforehand.....let me tell you that was a real killer in my marriage.

My new partner's wife had a LD so he didn't have much before me then he's like WHOAH when I came along....I like sex most days sometimes more than once & usually wake him up with a BJ.

lamaga

Late to the party -- I was fairly LD in my twenties because I had not dealt with some childhood sexual abuse. Oh, I thought I had, because I knew everything when I was 23, but I had not.

Fortunately it's all been uphill since then, and once I hit about 45, I turned into a 17-year old boy, sexually speaking. Now -- are there times when I'm not really in the mood? Occasionally, but mostly I find that once we get going I'm right there ready to rumble. If I'm not, I have a good enough marraige that I can just say, sorry, not tonight (or this morning, or whenever).

dream_weaver

Lamaga-similar story to you,I'm now in my 40's & feel the same but I thought it was just because of having a new partner...it is nice to find that my sex drive has come back...thought I was LD but it was what was going on with the ex obviously.Welcome to the naughty forties

lamaga

We're the lucky ones, dreamweaver! I hear about women completely losing their drive in their 40's etc, and I think....i'm so lucky!

Gaia

Of course there are.... lets see... am having my third baby in the course of four years.... (Getting the shot after this though lmao) and when not preggy.. I'm very HD so no matter what was going on, be i angry at hubby, depressed, ect... I could NOT go ONE day without jumping on his pogo stick! Not ONE. I'd be on him at LEAST once a day. This could be because i have some sort of hormonal overload though or something...